life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Monday, March 21, 2016

Where is the fu(#!N@ instruction manual for this?

This body, my heart and even some errant cells keep hijacking my time, my thoughts, my energy, and my happiness!  Now,  I really understand that pitiful cliché “If you have your health, you have everything” although I am also certain that the ones that sling around this pathetic quote have never had a long term chronic disease.  I am caught somewhere between putting on a mask and acting like I am fine for others because they could never understand this or hiding away so no one sees the dismal down side of this body crapping out on me. Please believe me, wanting the people in my life that I love to understand this exasperation would be wonderful, but I know that it just cannot happen.  I know am totally capable of depressing a saint with my self pity! How do I make it stop?  Where is the fucking instruction manual for this?


"Fumbling Towards Ecstacy"  Sarah McLachlan

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