life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Wednesday, March 23, 2016

"Deserve" is a loaded word.


“Deserve” is a loaded word.  I did not know that just being human meant I deserved love.  I did not get what I understood love to be, the kind of love most people experience without question as a child or a wife. The few times I screwed up enough courage to ask, even beg for it, I was told I was loved, I just did not know how to recognize the kind of love they gave me. I was selfish. I was self centered.  I needed to learn to quit expecting so much. I needed to learn to accept what I was given. It was my problem if I did not understand that.  I learned that love is not given freely; I had to perform to be good enough to earn and deserve love….. and I was never good enough. I was never good enough for the accepting, kind, patient, romantic and forgiving love.  Now, I find myself exploring the idea that perhaps I was good enough, that I am still good enough. It is OK for me to want to experience the kind of love and life my heart desires.  It may just be that I am not selfish…. that I do deserve.


"Better Off Now"  Trent Dabbs

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