life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

"Deserve" is a loaded word.

“Deserve” is a loaded word.  I did not know that just being human meant I deserved love.  I did not get what I understood love to be, the kind of love most people experience without question as a child or a wife. The few times I screwed up enough courage to ask, even beg for it, I was told I was loved, I just did not know how to recognize the kind of love they gave me. I was selfish. I was self centered.  I needed to learn to quit expecting so much. I needed to learn to accept what I was given. It was my problem if I did not understand that.  I learned that love is not given freely; I had to perform to be good enough to earn and deserve love….. and I was never good enough. I was never good enough for the accepting, kind, patient, romantic and forgiving love.  Now, I find myself exploring the idea that perhaps I was good enough, that I am still good enough. It is OK for me to want to experience the kind of love and life my heart desires.  It may just be that I am not selfish…. that I do deserve.

"Better Off Now"  Trent Dabbs

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