life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Genuine Me

I, and I suspect most of us, have spent a good part of our lives living up to other peoples expectations. I was so busy molding my life into a functioning and publicly acceptable product that I never really became a genuine me.

As this disease unfolded, I found myself looking to others for the correct acceptable role to play. A few soap opera characters popped up right away the martyr, the poor young thing and the tower of strength. All of these personas worked for a little while, but I found that at the end of the day I was emotionally exhausted from wearing a mask that was not me.

This disease is making me search for the genuine me. I am learning move closer to my fear, make friends with myself and trust that my broken heart will lead the way to the genuine me.

But...be on guard my soap opera characters often pop out uninvited when I am confused and do not know what to do or how to act.

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