And He Still Is...

My father would not have been particularly proud of my recent behavior, but sometimes it feels good to break the rules and exhibit totally unlady like behavior!

At a recent art fundraiser, in my home town I was one of the special guests.  That is short for donating art work and then showing up to the event in hopes that my stuff will sell better and raise more money. (In this instance it worked!) 

During the course of the evening as I was introduced as the guest artist that I had indeed grown up here, one of the dinner patrons loudly interjected that I was also the daughter of one of the best architects Leesburg had ever known.  I raised my fork in the air and shouted back "and he still is." 

Not so much bad manners as a proud daughter!

Gratitude-less-ness

or

why I automatically “filter” out the marvelous blessings I experience everyday

I find it interesting, but mostly frustrating…that regardless of what or how much I have, I find myself focusing on the negativity of not enough and wanting more.

Why do I automatically “filter” out the marvelous blessings I experience everyday?
I do not think about the clothes I have on unless something pinches or I am not comfortable in them. Gotcha! I bet you weren’t even aware of what you were wearing until I just mentioned it? When the clothes fit physically and are suitable for what I am doing, I become totally oblivious and subconsciously unaware of what I have on. That is until there is some irritation or I see another really cute outfit I think is better. Then without my conscious permission my brain automatically begins to focus on the negativity, discomfort, and/or lack. The same seems to happen with my art, health, family, home, car, yard, and on and on and on.

I involuntarily screen out all of the absolutely wonderful things that are around me, in me, or on me and actively seek out the negatives I need to change, fix, optimize or rearrange. The “why” I continually did this was driving me nuts! Well hang on, here comes a huge AH-HA moment! There may be an anatomical answer for some of this "gratitude-less-ness".

WHEW! It’s not all my fault!

At the base of the brain, we all have a little screening device called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). I am not a scientist or doctor, so bare with me. The RAS is a group of cells at the base of our brains that allow us to tune out background noise when we are reading, to not really see billboards while we are driving, and not hear normal neighborhood noise as we fall asleep. In other words, without our RAS, we would be overwhelmed with input, and unable to function beyond simply processing our own environment.

I had no idea what the Reticular Activating System (RAS) was much less that I could have any concious influence in controling it. This tid-bit of critical information was not part of any science 101 class, or found in any of the bazillion self help books I have invested in, or any doctor’s office I have ever been to. I, like most of us equate brain function with stomach function. In other words I can control what goes in, but once it was there, the innate bodily functions take over and I have no conscious control of how the food or information is processed. So it came as quite a surprise, when I found out that simply being aware of the things this curious little group of RAS brain cells is normally blocking from my awareness could be a big part of why it takes such a conscious effort to be grateful. Just as mothers hear the slightest “peep” from their babies over many other louder sounds, can I choose to hear more gratitude and inspiration by simply over riding my RAS and allowing the good “noise” to rise to my conscious level?

It’s a Fine Line

Sometimes it is true, If you ignore it will go away, but here is the rub….It always comes back!

When I ignore the disease and function like a “normal person”, I get tired really fast and take more naps than I like, but in general I feel better about myself and my friends and family seem to be much more comfortable around me. However, the HF people worry and accuse me of denial. Believe me…I am disgustingly aware…I am not in denial!

Giving the disease free reign over my life constantly reminds me and others of my limitations. Modifying my activities does not always seem to “conserve my energy” as the nurses said it should. It just makes me feel like I really am sick and not whole… all of the time.

There is a fine line between thinking positively and ignoring the reality and I flirt with both sides on a regular basis.

Letting Go

I am learning to embrace the idea of letting go. Letting go of what no longer resonates with me, and nurturing the deeper "me" underneath all that, instead of trying to patch myself up in an attempt to become the new and improved old me.

Open Doors

There is a ton of evidence that supports Newton’s Law “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.

As some of my doors close….I am finding others are beginning to crack open. Thank you Leesburg Center for the Arts, Amy and Joyce, you will never know how much the chance to show my masks means to me.

The doors open, little by little, I just have to find the courage to keep walking through them.

whining......

The question I still cannot seem to find the answer to is, will I ever come to terms with the physical limitations and reoccurring illness imposed by a sick heart?
Will I ever really learn how not to surrender to the psychological effects?

Accepting the inevitable is easy when compared to living the every day details of a compromised life. I know and understand on an intellectual level that one of my biggest challenge is maintaining balance. I have learned that accepting limitations without becoming an invalid is a prickly crooked path. But, on days like today, it is so hard and incredibly lonely.

I Understand...

Frustrating only comes slightly close to describing how I feel right now, and I am obscenely aware of how much these feelings are most probably attributed to the amount of steroids I am now taking. 

I understand that I am whining!
I understand that I should be grateful for all of the awesome great days I have had.
        And I have certainly had more than my share!
I understand this is part of this and it is my challenge to live through it.
I need someone to understand how frustrating this is, I do not like it and I am so damn tired.

It has been a while!

Happy New Year!
It has been a while!
So easy to get caught up in the wonderful doings of  "day to day" during the holidays.  So I am guilty of not keeping up with the blog...ooops....

The New Year has had an exciting start, with an invitation to show some of my "Stick People" at a local art center. 

But have also gotten a swift kick in the ass, too.  Am slugging through another round of pneumonia!  I had the same problem last January.    hmm... there maybe a lesson here!  

This time I was able to negotiate myself out of a hospital stay, the last time hospital made me sicker rather than better so I am most hopeful for a much quicker recovery!  Crossing my fingers and taking my medicine. 

So...between the holidays, being sick and making new art I really have not found the time for any serious soul searching or writing.  Ah-Ha.......another lesson! 

Damn

Who is and Who is Not in Denial

They claim I am not accepting the reality of the situation. The nurses/doctors have politely accused me of denial. I have made some difficult choices and clearly spoken my choices over a great period of time, they just do not want to hear….Leading me to wonder exactly who is and who is not in denial.

move through it...

My Greatest Good!

I am on a magnificent journey! Joy, pain, love, and fear all bring me closer to achieving a life of meaning and I receive them all with open arms.
Everything happens for my greatest good!

Letting go of Ego

There is so much peace in letting go.
The more I let go, the more energy seems to be available to me!
I sure wish I had learned to do this a long time ago.
I am not letting go of life, I am letting go of a parasitic ego,
and seeking the abundant happiness and wisdom that has always been here waiting for me.

Being Busy...It is a Wonderful Thing!

Black Tails & Tennis Shoes (who but one of my sons?)
Between end of semester research papers and making hundreds and hundreds of handmade paper flowers for Jason and Stephanie's wedding, I just have not had much time to write! Is'nt it great! Most of the pictures in the video were taken by my most awesome 8 year old grandson, Oliver. He did a fantastic job! The song "100 years" was chosen by Jason for the Mother of the Groom/Groom dance and I cried like a baby! Stephanie's father is not with us and she chose instead for her first dance to be with all 4 of their children to the "Banana Splits"!
What a wonderful happy day!

There Will Be NO Cooking!

When I turn on the TV there is at least one cooking show on every minute of every day on some channel and it is portrayed as a fun and fulfilling experience that can satisfy your need to be creative and keep the family well fed and healthy.

My response to this latest entertainment trend is BULL $#!+! Where is the cooking program for the “I Hate to Cook” people? Where is the station that promotes the 3 ingredients or less recipes?

This year I am not celebrating Thanksgiving in the traditional way! I will indeed be giving thanks, but not by using every pot & pan in my tiny kitchen, cooking bad food all day, washing, soaking and scraping all night, then stuffing a refrigerator full of leftovers that will probably spoil before they are eaten and eventually be thrown out. And of course the worst part, the incredible guilt I feel because by the end of Thanksgiving Day I have truly hated the entire experience, and am anything but thankful.

This year I will be celebrating Thanksgiving with what ever family (or friends) are interested in spending time together, eating convenience foods and being grateful for all the blessings of this life.

There may be creative conversation, or funny stories, or painting, or parade and football watching.
But....there will be no cooking!

Important Things

Maybe I scare them?
One day...
I suspect they will see
How silly most of this life is and
How simple it really was to focus
on the important things.

Without Permission…

Taking my power back has been the most significant healing thing I have ever done for myself. Taking power back may be a new and difficult concept for some, but once you have it, it is a great thing that you will never let go of!

In the past I felt like I did make up my own mind, but I have learned that realistically I was so afraid of making the wrong choices that I culled opinions, listened to doctors/nurses and pled my case for public consensus before making a decision. I critically weighed all input, (seldom listening to my own heart) before making any major decision. In most cases I went with popular opinion or what the “biggest” expert recommended, and then grieved and doubted my decision. Each little choice kept me questioning myself and my own judgment wondering it I have done the right thing, and what will happen if I didn’t.

Not once did it occur to me that my real power comes only from listening to my own heart and my body.

I trust myself, I am perfectly willing to make mistakes and learn from the consequences associated with my decisions.

I am taking my power back, without permission!

strength...

Self Worth Comes from Within…

Well, that’s what the self help gurus say. What they fail to mention is how to go within and get it! They offer up gratuitous examples of how we lost our self worth, but no lessons or models of how to get it back. I chronically hear their eloquent declarations that it “comes from within” with the typical recommendation to regurgitate painful past experiences along with affirmations then reach up in there and whip out some self worth on command. They make it sound like it is as easy as finding a set of misplaced car keys with an electronic buzzer. Clap your hands, listen for the buzz, and follow the sound to the misplaced keys.
Self worth is not that easy.

In my case, mix some long term self worth issues, a terminal disease with the current bureaucratic red tape of the medical/Medicaid system and it creates the perfect no self worth storm. On the other hand, the only thing that I am absolutely certain of is that compared to what some other’s deal with on a day to day basis, my self worth issues are no more than a spit in the wind.

Self worth is just not important anymore.
I have opted for gratitude.
I am grateful for all that I have, all that I have had and all the wonderful opportunities to come. Gratitude does not require an excruciating walk through past painful experiences or chronic repetition of affirmations. I really do not want to waste anymore of my amazing life in a desperate pursuit of the egotistical concept of self worth when my heart is full of gratitude now?

I prefer, gratitude, simple gratitude.
Gratitude is easy.
Thank you!

augh......

set backs really suck!

Miss You Dearly...

It is a sad evening, and I just cannot seem to hold back tears any more as I feel 2 people that I know and love slip out of my life, one by choice and one loosing a long battle at the end of a wonderful life. As much as I hurt and want to go back in time, I know that cannot happen. I hope they will know how much more wonderful my life has been because they have been in it. I am grateful and wish you well on your next journey. I love you and will miss you dearly.