life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Saturday, November 5, 2011

Self Worth Comes from Within…

Well, that’s what the self help gurus say. What they fail to mention is how to go within and get it! They offer up gratuitous examples of how we lost our self worth, but no lessons or models of how to get it back. I chronically hear their eloquent declarations that it “comes from within” with the typical recommendation to regurgitate painful past experiences along with affirmations then reach up in there and whip out some self worth on command. They make it sound like it is as easy as finding a set of misplaced car keys with an electronic buzzer. Clap your hands, listen for the buzz, and follow the sound to the misplaced keys.
Self worth is not that easy.

In my case, mix some long term self worth issues, a terminal disease with the current bureaucratic red tape of the medical/Medicaid system and it creates the perfect no self worth storm. On the other hand, the only thing that I am absolutely certain of is that compared to what some other’s deal with on a day to day basis, my self worth issues are no more than a spit in the wind.

Self worth is just not important anymore.
I have opted for gratitude.
I am grateful for all that I have, all that I have had and all the wonderful opportunities to come. Gratitude does not require an excruciating walk through past painful experiences or chronic repetition of affirmations. I really do not want to waste anymore of my amazing life in a desperate pursuit of the egotistical concept of self worth when my heart is full of gratitude now?

I prefer, gratitude, simple gratitude.
Gratitude is easy.
Thank you!

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