Renaissance

"Play Me"

Ideas and work are exploding in my heart, head and studio.  For such a long time I have avoided going back to the layered paper pastel.  I did not want to fall back into the “it’s all about the marketing art production” and for all of the years I worked in the layered papers it required hours of standing on my feet.  I did not feel I like I would ever do this again.  My acts of creation have always been upright and active, I convinced myself that I could not do it any other way and grieved the loss.  How empowering to discover ….I can… still do it!


"You are the sun, I am the moon
You are the song, I am the tune,
Play me"             Neil Diamond

Blowing My Own Horn



"It's Complicated"

So much healing available to me when I am willing to look at my whole life, not just the “pretty”, “did it right” parts.  For the very first time ever, I am blowing my own horn and exposing the dark crooked places in my own heart, to me.

5 more things...

5 More Things I am Grateful for…

1.       My 2 wonderful sons, they have grown into such amazing men, and I am so proud of everything they are and will continue to accomplish in their lives.  Don’t know what I did to deserve the honor that brought them into my life, but I am so incredibly grateful!

2.       Another pile of dirty laundry (I hate laundry) but that pile of dirty clothes is a visual/physical reminder of the amazing living that was done this week, and I am grateful.

3.       My most magnificent heart, that even under the most difficult situations continues to do an awe-inspiring job of supporting my body and receiving glorious love.  I am grateful!

4.       The exciting new opportunity of an exhibition in August to create and show my art works.  That people still believe in me and my art work still has value.  I am grateful!

5.       My friends and family that love me, that I know are there to pick me up when I fall, but stand out of my way and let me fly.  There is no bigger gift they could give me and I am more grateful than any of them will ever know!

Next...

Just finished another semester,  the painted baby grand piano is finished and has had an exciting very successful unveiling with jazz singer Miss Jacqueline Jones, and the grand children have come and gone. 

The last 2 weeks were brutally busy!

What most people do not understand, and what no one tells you…. is how much unbridled energy comes from the doing! (NOT conserving my energy!)  Yes- it is hard….Yes-there were 4 times (that I will admit to) breaking down and crying that I just could not do this anymore, Yes-there were frustrating  times that I fell out and slept for hours in the middle of the day but the biggest YES of all….. I did it anyway!

Looking forward to summer and all of the exciting things I will be doing NEXT!

Wings & Pitch Forks

If an angel earns her wings every time a bell rings, Then I truly qualified for a pitchfork every time the text message signaled. Wicked wicked fun, the most I have laughed in years. The first time anyone has seen me as a real (not sick) person in what feels like forever. OMG…. I so needed this!

Holy Shit!

Fear is a Really Crappy Place

The hardest part about heart failure is….where I let the pain take my head.   Fear is a really crappy place.

I want her back

My well  worn  art show chair, a glass of pinot, a rising full moon, and a heart full of memories and my imagination should be soaring forward.  But, I am finding it is so much easier to drift backwards when I was confidently clear about who I was and where I was going.   Where is that Cheryl, I want her back!

That Cheryl  would never be afraid of teaching a new class; she would be reveling in anticipation.   I want her back.
   
That Cheryl would be dancing in moonlight celebrating a new exhibition opening  not second guessing herself, scared to death. 
I want her back!  Damn it, I want her back!

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Screwed up my courage and stepped on- or-over so many traditional boundaries yesterday that I have certainly set a record somewhere! 
It was terrific… 
So…. here is what I figured out in one afternoon
There is a huge amount of energy and power in doing what scares me. 
Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Nap Attack!!!

Getting to be a part of a dear creative friend’s  preparations to “launch” on to the art show circuit was a hoot!  Quite by coincidence, she bought a tent just like mine.  We had a tent virgin practice set up, in the front yard that involved wrestling  with “miles “ of canvas and retractable poles  not to mention all of the little tips and tricks  Skip and I have learned over the years including how to build the infamous Evans' Art Show Lanai….. so many grand stories happened behind our tent!   I had great fun watching them begin this adventure and for just a little while, I lived vicariously through them, but it also reminded me how much I loved and miss this life.

Could have been the belly laughs as we set that tent up for the first time or the bout of feeling sorry for myself  when they left or a combination of both,  but I was attacked by a nasty nap that snuck up on me …... I hate when that happens!

When the Past Catches Up....

For the most part, my past and the people that are in it, have followed me right through to the now.  No secrets, it is what it is.  But, through Facebook an old high school friend (actually much more than an old friend) and I have reconnected.  For a few minutes as I read or type, I feel like I am 16 again, with all of the memories and excitement of a giddy teenager.  As we exchange information about how our lives moved on, our parents, our children, spouses and jobs, I wonder are there rules about telling someone that you have a chronic terminal illness.  hmmmm?
Is it important?
Will it scare them?
Will I feel less than?
Do they care?
Is it too personal?
And….how the hell do you even start that conversation?????
Someone really does need to write a rule book on this! 

(For the record, I have decided not to, because at least in one person’s eyes, I am still whole and….I like that!)

New Batch of Stick People!

Problem With Perfection

Perfection is a standard that other people set. 
A standard that insures the rest of us feel inferior.

There will always be those who work hard to create images of perfection.  They become thinner, smarter, richer, and more successful, not because they need to be more perfect, but they need others to feel less perfect.  

Exploiting my imperfection is how some will exert power and control over me.

I can be “not” perfect without giving away my power.
I am not perfect and it is OK!

I Am NOT a Patient...

Even Webster knows...
Patient-(noun) a person who is under medical care or treatment.
Patient-(adjective) bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.

I am NOT a patient;

I am a person that is no longer patient with today’s medical industry!

I am a unique impatient person with a happy secret! 

If only my docs and nurses knew,

I am not a patient!

Crash Test Dummy!

I have a squeaky clean driving record, my friends have been accusing me of driving like an old grandma, long before I really was an old grandma! I typically respond to this accusation by snapping back, oh yea…how many tickets/accidents do you have. Not too witty, but it makes my point.

I was in an accident yesterday, I am not hurt, neither is the other guy. By the way…I was at a stop light, stopped when the guy hit me, from the back! What I need to grouse about is the police/insurance aftermath (and we are not to the repairs yet).

The accident happened less than 2 blocks from the police station, I could see their building from the location where we pulled off the road to wait their arrival. It still took 20 minutes for them to arrive, hummmmm? OK-OK there could have been more serious business for them to take care of somewhere else but then 3 different cops show up, whaaaaat? One writes up the accident report the other 2 are very busy on their cell phones…..it was NOT police business. An hour and a half later he has meticulously filled in the police report, by the way he does have excellent penmanship, he has typed both of our license numbers into a laptop mounted on his motorcycle, to make certain we were not convicted felons on the lamb. An hour and a half????

The insurance company has been another eye-opening experience; every word I have said to them has been recorded. I have no idea what I am getting into. The other guy was ticketed for careless driving, but the insurance company says that “fault” has not yet been officially determined. Huh????? After the last couple of days, I am beginning to feel like I was the one at fault.

I am beginning to really feel like a crash test dummy.

5 things I am grateful for...

1. Some very scary, bad and raunchy pain is going away, whew!
2. I am finishing the last load of laundry…I know that does not seem to exciting, but last week I felt like crap and the dryer broke (I hate spending money to fix appliances that I would rather NOT be using at all). Skip & I were able to fix it ourselves and it works! And I am feeling good enough to DO laundry!
3. I am wearing a new-old shirt. I threw this shirt in the trash yesterday, I did not like it because it just did not look or feel good on me. Then I saw a Pinterest pin on how to recycle an old button down shirt, and I fished the shirt out of the trash and tried it! It worked!
4. I finished my anthropology essay on time and now I have a week of school off…Spring Break!
5. Could the weather be any better!

reality...

Pain is not a "thing" in itself; it is a sensation, which I have labeled as bad.  I think the hurting has been more emotional than physical; I have had such a wonderful few months full of energy and hope.  I was certain that I was going to be the only one to beat this.  Ugly sensations usher in reality and I am afraid.

An art show- is an art show- is an art show

Here we go, it's like dipping my big toe back in the pool. 
Although it is not really an  outdoor art show, it is outdoors and it is an art show and....
(here's the rub) it requires hauling a ton "of stuff". 
Loading very slowly about 1 heavy thing an hour....

but my stick people....are so much easier to carry than the old framed art!

Creativity

ALWAYS FINDS A WAY!

OK-OK.... If WE Get Caught-Here is the Story!

Embracing the Pain

I never question or avoid the positive experiences of my life that bring me joy and happiness, what if I did the same for the other emotions I fear so much, like pain, fear, anger, and loneliness?”


Emotions, whether they are uplifting and joyful, or sorrowful and scary—come to teach me. Once I began to surrender and embraced all of life and the lessons, I was able to let go of my tendency to seek someone to blame. The cycle of being the victim is slowly disappearing, and being replaced with my own growth and healing.

I am learning to embrace the darkness within my soul, all the while shining a light on it,

I can better see the depth and darkness of my pain.

It shows me where the source of my suffering resides: It was in me all along.

I am going with the flow that life offers.

I am learning a new way of coping, and I let myself feel the course of life.

I am embracing the pain and suddenly it isn’t so painful.