I Am NOT a Patient...

Even Webster knows...
Patient-(noun) a person who is under medical care or treatment.
Patient-(adjective) bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.

I am NOT a patient;

I am a person that is no longer patient with today’s medical industry!

I am a unique impatient person with a happy secret! 

If only my docs and nurses knew,

I am not a patient!

Crash Test Dummy!

I have a squeaky clean driving record, my friends have been accusing me of driving like an old grandma, long before I really was an old grandma! I typically respond to this accusation by snapping back, oh yea…how many tickets/accidents do you have. Not too witty, but it makes my point.

I was in an accident yesterday, I am not hurt, neither is the other guy. By the way…I was at a stop light, stopped when the guy hit me, from the back! What I need to grouse about is the police/insurance aftermath (and we are not to the repairs yet).

The accident happened less than 2 blocks from the police station, I could see their building from the location where we pulled off the road to wait their arrival. It still took 20 minutes for them to arrive, hummmmm? OK-OK there could have been more serious business for them to take care of somewhere else but then 3 different cops show up, whaaaaat? One writes up the accident report the other 2 are very busy on their cell phones…..it was NOT police business. An hour and a half later he has meticulously filled in the police report, by the way he does have excellent penmanship, he has typed both of our license numbers into a laptop mounted on his motorcycle, to make certain we were not convicted felons on the lamb. An hour and a half????

The insurance company has been another eye-opening experience; every word I have said to them has been recorded. I have no idea what I am getting into. The other guy was ticketed for careless driving, but the insurance company says that “fault” has not yet been officially determined. Huh????? After the last couple of days, I am beginning to feel like I was the one at fault.

I am beginning to really feel like a crash test dummy.

5 things I am grateful for...

1. Some very scary, bad and raunchy pain is going away, whew!
2. I am finishing the last load of laundry…I know that does not seem to exciting, but last week I felt like crap and the dryer broke (I hate spending money to fix appliances that I would rather NOT be using at all). Skip & I were able to fix it ourselves and it works! And I am feeling good enough to DO laundry!
3. I am wearing a new-old shirt. I threw this shirt in the trash yesterday, I did not like it because it just did not look or feel good on me. Then I saw a Pinterest pin on how to recycle an old button down shirt, and I fished the shirt out of the trash and tried it! It worked!
4. I finished my anthropology essay on time and now I have a week of school off…Spring Break!
5. Could the weather be any better!

reality...

Pain is not a "thing" in itself; it is a sensation, which I have labeled as bad.  I think the hurting has been more emotional than physical; I have had such a wonderful few months full of energy and hope.  I was certain that I was going to be the only one to beat this.  Ugly sensations usher in reality and I am afraid.

An art show- is an art show- is an art show

Here we go, it's like dipping my big toe back in the pool. 
Although it is not really an  outdoor art show, it is outdoors and it is an art show and....
(here's the rub) it requires hauling a ton "of stuff". 
Loading very slowly about 1 heavy thing an hour....

but my stick people....are so much easier to carry than the old framed art!

Creativity

ALWAYS FINDS A WAY!

OK-OK.... If WE Get Caught-Here is the Story!

Embracing the Pain

I never question or avoid the positive experiences of my life that bring me joy and happiness, what if I did the same for the other emotions I fear so much, like pain, fear, anger, and loneliness?”


Emotions, whether they are uplifting and joyful, or sorrowful and scary—come to teach me. Once I began to surrender and embraced all of life and the lessons, I was able to let go of my tendency to seek someone to blame. The cycle of being the victim is slowly disappearing, and being replaced with my own growth and healing.

I am learning to embrace the darkness within my soul, all the while shining a light on it,

I can better see the depth and darkness of my pain.

It shows me where the source of my suffering resides: It was in me all along.

I am going with the flow that life offers.

I am learning a new way of coping, and I let myself feel the course of life.

I am embracing the pain and suddenly it isn’t so painful.

And He Still Is...

My father would not have been particularly proud of my recent behavior, but sometimes it feels good to break the rules and exhibit totally unlady like behavior!

At a recent art fundraiser, in my home town I was one of the special guests.  That is short for donating art work and then showing up to the event in hopes that my stuff will sell better and raise more money. (In this instance it worked!) 

During the course of the evening as I was introduced as the guest artist that I had indeed grown up here, one of the dinner patrons loudly interjected that I was also the daughter of one of the best architects Leesburg had ever known.  I raised my fork in the air and shouted back "and he still is." 

Not so much bad manners as a proud daughter!

Gratitude-less-ness

or

why I automatically “filter” out the marvelous blessings I experience everyday

I find it interesting, but mostly frustrating…that regardless of what or how much I have, I find myself focusing on the negativity of not enough and wanting more.

Why do I automatically “filter” out the marvelous blessings I experience everyday?
I do not think about the clothes I have on unless something pinches or I am not comfortable in them. Gotcha! I bet you weren’t even aware of what you were wearing until I just mentioned it? When the clothes fit physically and are suitable for what I am doing, I become totally oblivious and subconsciously unaware of what I have on. That is until there is some irritation or I see another really cute outfit I think is better. Then without my conscious permission my brain automatically begins to focus on the negativity, discomfort, and/or lack. The same seems to happen with my art, health, family, home, car, yard, and on and on and on.

I involuntarily screen out all of the absolutely wonderful things that are around me, in me, or on me and actively seek out the negatives I need to change, fix, optimize or rearrange. The “why” I continually did this was driving me nuts! Well hang on, here comes a huge AH-HA moment! There may be an anatomical answer for some of this "gratitude-less-ness".

WHEW! It’s not all my fault!

At the base of the brain, we all have a little screening device called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). I am not a scientist or doctor, so bare with me. The RAS is a group of cells at the base of our brains that allow us to tune out background noise when we are reading, to not really see billboards while we are driving, and not hear normal neighborhood noise as we fall asleep. In other words, without our RAS, we would be overwhelmed with input, and unable to function beyond simply processing our own environment.

I had no idea what the Reticular Activating System (RAS) was much less that I could have any concious influence in controling it. This tid-bit of critical information was not part of any science 101 class, or found in any of the bazillion self help books I have invested in, or any doctor’s office I have ever been to. I, like most of us equate brain function with stomach function. In other words I can control what goes in, but once it was there, the innate bodily functions take over and I have no conscious control of how the food or information is processed. So it came as quite a surprise, when I found out that simply being aware of the things this curious little group of RAS brain cells is normally blocking from my awareness could be a big part of why it takes such a conscious effort to be grateful. Just as mothers hear the slightest “peep” from their babies over many other louder sounds, can I choose to hear more gratitude and inspiration by simply over riding my RAS and allowing the good “noise” to rise to my conscious level?

It’s a Fine Line

Sometimes it is true, If you ignore it will go away, but here is the rub….It always comes back!

When I ignore the disease and function like a “normal person”, I get tired really fast and take more naps than I like, but in general I feel better about myself and my friends and family seem to be much more comfortable around me. However, the HF people worry and accuse me of denial. Believe me…I am disgustingly aware…I am not in denial!

Giving the disease free reign over my life constantly reminds me and others of my limitations. Modifying my activities does not always seem to “conserve my energy” as the nurses said it should. It just makes me feel like I really am sick and not whole… all of the time.

There is a fine line between thinking positively and ignoring the reality and I flirt with both sides on a regular basis.

Letting Go

I am learning to embrace the idea of letting go. Letting go of what no longer resonates with me, and nurturing the deeper "me" underneath all that, instead of trying to patch myself up in an attempt to become the new and improved old me.

Open Doors

There is a ton of evidence that supports Newton’s Law “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.

As some of my doors close….I am finding others are beginning to crack open. Thank you Leesburg Center for the Arts, Amy and Joyce, you will never know how much the chance to show my masks means to me.

The doors open, little by little, I just have to find the courage to keep walking through them.

whining......

The question I still cannot seem to find the answer to is, will I ever come to terms with the physical limitations and reoccurring illness imposed by a sick heart?
Will I ever really learn how not to surrender to the psychological effects?

Accepting the inevitable is easy when compared to living the every day details of a compromised life. I know and understand on an intellectual level that one of my biggest challenge is maintaining balance. I have learned that accepting limitations without becoming an invalid is a prickly crooked path. But, on days like today, it is so hard and incredibly lonely.

I Understand...

Frustrating only comes slightly close to describing how I feel right now, and I am obscenely aware of how much these feelings are most probably attributed to the amount of steroids I am now taking. 

I understand that I am whining!
I understand that I should be grateful for all of the awesome great days I have had.
        And I have certainly had more than my share!
I understand this is part of this and it is my challenge to live through it.
I need someone to understand how frustrating this is, I do not like it and I am so damn tired.

It has been a while!

Happy New Year!
It has been a while!
So easy to get caught up in the wonderful doings of  "day to day" during the holidays.  So I am guilty of not keeping up with the blog...ooops....

The New Year has had an exciting start, with an invitation to show some of my "Stick People" at a local art center. 

But have also gotten a swift kick in the ass, too.  Am slugging through another round of pneumonia!  I had the same problem last January.    hmm... there maybe a lesson here!  

This time I was able to negotiate myself out of a hospital stay, the last time hospital made me sicker rather than better so I am most hopeful for a much quicker recovery!  Crossing my fingers and taking my medicine. 

So...between the holidays, being sick and making new art I really have not found the time for any serious soul searching or writing.  Ah-Ha.......another lesson! 

Damn

Who is and Who is Not in Denial

They claim I am not accepting the reality of the situation. The nurses/doctors have politely accused me of denial. I have made some difficult choices and clearly spoken my choices over a great period of time, they just do not want to hear….Leading me to wonder exactly who is and who is not in denial.

move through it...

My Greatest Good!

I am on a magnificent journey! Joy, pain, love, and fear all bring me closer to achieving a life of meaning and I receive them all with open arms.
Everything happens for my greatest good!

Letting go of Ego

There is so much peace in letting go.
The more I let go, the more energy seems to be available to me!
I sure wish I had learned to do this a long time ago.
I am not letting go of life, I am letting go of a parasitic ego,
and seeking the abundant happiness and wisdom that has always been here waiting for me.

Being Busy...It is a Wonderful Thing!

Black Tails & Tennis Shoes (who but one of my sons?)
Between end of semester research papers and making hundreds and hundreds of handmade paper flowers for Jason and Stephanie's wedding, I just have not had much time to write! Is'nt it great! Most of the pictures in the video were taken by my most awesome 8 year old grandson, Oliver. He did a fantastic job! The song "100 years" was chosen by Jason for the Mother of the Groom/Groom dance and I cried like a baby! Stephanie's father is not with us and she chose instead for her first dance to be with all 4 of their children to the "Banana Splits"!
What a wonderful happy day!