Why I like being alone!

So many think I would be absolutely normal if all I did was get out of my room, join a group like bingo or Rummikub. Maybe even attend one of the programs where they have “guest” singers with a boom box background.  I have heard from several residents that they were good. I have to consider the sources.

So for the next few days I am going to post this on my door.  Maybe that will help them understand!

Creativity Does Not Cancel Out Creativity

For the best part of my last few years I have been constantly coached to be happy, to live in the now, do not look back, and I believed them. I have tried desperately to let go of the past and make the best of what I have now. It is impossible! What I do, where I lived, the ones I loved, the people I admired were gone. 

I tried to appreciate what I have now.  It may be what most people feel is a good life. It is a safe and comfortable place to live. But it’s beige life. The food, the facility and most of the people are a smudgy shade of beige. It was then I realized that creativity could not cancel out my grief with a beige life. It just does not work like that. Creativity does not cancel out loss. I had laid down most of my creativity to be a part of an assisted living community. I failed at it and became even more miserable than I thought possible..

A friend brought me some of my old unsold art and other funky tidbits from my long gone glorious happy studio. Now I am looking back, I am embracing my failures, my losses and my successes they are what make me who I am.   I am looking back to recover my strength, my creativity and my ability to be alone in my little studio space. I have to look back if I want to be me. I have got a long way to go. But just figuring out this part is a huge first step!

...when no one is looking…

 

So, here is the deal: nobody here wants me or my art. I guess I was spoiled at the art shows where there were many positive comments and purchases. I live in a place where conformity is celebrated. I so dearly miss having artists and creatives regularly in my life. They inspire, cheer and even egg on the different ideas.. They thrive on creativity and eccentricities. They applaud audacity.  We will risk friendships, family and strangers that do not understand us but we will do it anyway.

Then, when no one is looking…

I think they wish they were more like us.

 

Think I will play my drum and think about it.

 Since I have been here I have felt like such a nothing.  Everything that defined me was left behind when our home and studio was stripped and sold. It seemed like the reasonable thing to do at the time. I was moved out to an assisted living apartment that I am still trying to adjust to.  I have tried so hard to leave that hurt behind me and begin again, but I have been exceptionally bad at it. It was the most wonderful sheltered part of my life and my love.

A friend of mine dashed in the house months ago and rescued the unsold prints and other studio tidbits some time ago and stored them. She brought them back to me today. It has felt like a big chunk of my life is mine again.

The djembe, rocks from the Zen water garden and my work bibs (although I still managed to get paint on just about everything) were among just a few of the things that were part of my everyday world when I was still Cheryl. They are memories of my amazing happy past and they are more precious to me than gold. I have no idea what I am going to do with all of the art right now, but I will play my (needs to be tuned) djembe drum while think about it and remember all of those amazing happy times.

Therefore.....

Coming off 2 successful and unique sewing projects, I immediately jumped into the next one. 

I was on an “I can do anything” high. Unfortunately, I ignored the “3 Strikes” rule.

The top was all cut out when I got anxious to see how awesome this design would look when I finished it. I laid all of the pieces out on my bed and                      

                                       It looked like SHIT!

The Secret of Surviving Assisted Living is..... DO NOT GET YOUR PANTIES IN A WAD!.

When you live in a place like this, finding like-minded people is next to impossible; you have to really ferret them out. But for the most part, I have been anointed the weird one. I know because I can hear them whispering behind my back. What they do not understand is that with their hearing aids, they have no idea how really loud they are. There are NO secrets here. Gossip is the number one activity here!

The best way for me to survive is to keep to myself, stay in my room and make stuff and give them the least amount of gossip material I can, but they always find some. 

Most of my days are spent “making” it does not matter what I am making just making something. However, in all fairness are days that I destroy stuff too, but not on purpose. I have even learned how to accept and even enjoy my failures.  Especially some of the clothes I have made. But those failures are great learning tools, too. The trick to assisted living is don’t get your panties in a wad about anything.

NOT about what they think......

 Most of my life, including my art career, I depended on what people thought of me.  If I was well-behaved enough, I was a good little girl. As I grew older, I struggled to be a popular teenager, a good wife and a successful mother. Even in my older years, I had to be a good artist so they would buy my work. Now, I have to follow facility rules, see docs, have tests, take meds, and never complain.  I never felt good enough when I was just me.

Following necessary rules is one thing, but years of mashing me into socially “normal” roles defined by others must end. Maybe it is time I quit complaining or caring what other people think.  It is time for me to just be me. The way I think…the way I do things is going to have to be enough to be beautiful from now on.

Today I am grateful for: friends that are helping me sell my stuff, Luda, the housekeeper that takes care of my apartment, the good med-techs I have (but there are many more incompetent, disagreeable ones)

New Things from Old Things

I like trying new things; I like them even better when they work! Sewing is something I have always enjoyed. However, for every success, there seem to be quite a few failures. While emotionally, I am learning to embrace my failures, financially, failure is another issue. Sewing fabric, like art supplies, is not cheap and is getting harder to find. I am on a really tight budget…So, please do not tell anyone I swiped a tablecloth from the dining room for this art/sewing project.

I got my blue circles appliqued on, but it is missing something, so I am trying some markers out to see how the pigment holds up when washed.  The thin line seems to hold up after washing but the thick line is bleeding.  Here’s the fabulous surprise! The thick line bleeds out to a dk blue.  Still waiting for it to dry to see what happens before I mess up another table cloth!

Today I am grateful for: great friends, a safe place to live and and a great “supply” of fabric!

Oh yes this is better!

Not a fashionista...but not an old lady either!

Digging through “stuff,” I found this great pin that I bought years ago in a folk art gallery. It was and still so much fun….I think it is time to create some kind of top that I can show her off on. I love the red hair, and I wish mine still was! 

I am not a fashionista, but I have comments about how “different” my clothes are. I am not exactly sure what that means, but if it is, and I do not look like everyone else in here I will take it as a compliment! I have had a great time focusing my sewing towards more fun artistic creativity. I am even making my own patterns (I cannot afford or find real store bought patterns) There have been some colossal failures. But the good ones I can wear and smile, and for sure NOT have the old lady style!

NO KINGS

 

It is not bad enough that I live in Florida, home of the retired Trumpers.  But living in an assisted living facility is a whole new level of political unawareness. They do not know what they do not know. This is a FOX network dreamland. 

I cannot physically protest anymore, but I get tickled when I ruffle some feathers around here. Perhaps get someone to think for themselves just a little.

I posted this sign on my door and someone just stuck their head in

to ask. "What does it mean, NO KINGS?"

Start...Stop...Wait...What!

I could be the only person to fail a medical test before I have it.  I was scheduled to have some cardiac tests by one doctor, but another doctor felt my heart may not be strong enough for that(cardiac stress). They canceled them….Wait…What?  I am usually the one turning down repetitive tests and exams that tell us the same thing over and over again. My heart is broken; they cannot fix it. Why keep spending money and getting my hopes up to find out “How broken is it now?” 

I let my guard down and was excited about this earlier in the week. There was a possibility, they would show I could have new/different meds to increase my quality of life. Unfortunately, it feels like I missed that boat. I have been here before and for a really really long time…I know how this works.  I should have known better. I get a little dose of hope and “this might help” thoughts and I am ready to go for it again. I should have known better.

(and just in case you missed it, I have not figured out how to embed music on my posts, however, I have had 2 spectacular failures!)

Technical Time Warps

I got lost in a technical time warp.  I am not tooting my own horn, but I used to be quite proficient on my computer. I made web pages, wrote blogs (that is fairly obvious), created videos, downloaded music (most of it legitimate) and was just stubborn enough, with the aide Google and YouTube to figure how to do anything I needed or wanted to do.  I will admit that it was not necessarily the best way but worked for me.

And then…my brain and my heart staged a bilateral coupe. No sense in going into details but quite some time has passed and technology kept on moving fast while my recovery went slow. If you look back on my blog post index you will see big holes in the timeline…Now you know why I am way behind.  Most of the programs on my computer are still here and have been able to easily update their software, but the software glitches in my head have not.  My blog no longer supports prewritten html players to embed on posts.  WHAT!!!  I love listening to music while writing and I enjoy sharing with the blog post. 
However, there are people out there on the internet that know how to do it, and they have uploaded the info.  Cross your fingers I am digging into a little code writing and getting my music back!  

Here I Go Again....Kind of...

 

So, it has been a long time since I have blogged about my heart or anything else for that matter. I had so many ugly things going on in my life that my blog would be nothing more than a magnifying glass focusing on all of my failures. But I am getting back in the habit…and liking it!

I want to be as energetic as I can be, while I can be. I want to squeeze out every bit of fun, functioning laughing, creating and living. I have seen people that have wasted time and money trying to live longer. They end up here slumped over in a wheel chair sitting for hours. I will not do that.  Ed, my most favorite ever hospice nurse taught me that. 

Against everything I thought I believed in, I have agreed with my cardiologist to do one more set of tests to see how much and where the damage has progressed. There are now some crappy thigs happening that are screwing up my ability to do what I want to do.

There are some new meds that might help me if I am not too broken now. I have outlasted most of the forecasted mortality statistics already. For that reason I have agreed to the tests but not without first wagging my finger at the cardiologist and sternly announcing meds are OK but I will not agree to any more surgery.  He laughed and said that I am such a lousy risk that surgery would not even be considered. Such good news!!! I have had more than my share of surgery and gross invasive tests I cannot do that anymore! I am so thrilled to have a real live cardiologist that really understands palliative care.

Now, it would be way too easy to get all the tests done in 3 or 4 days but NO it is going to be 4 weeks to get them all scheduled and done. So stay tuned on the next chapter of this saga due to arrive July 25^th when all of the results are in. Good thing I was not in a hurry, but when Medicare is paying for everything….I can wait!

Operator Error (again)

 

I have had a shit storm of tech failure in the past few days, but I also have the most amazing tech smart son. He was able to fix both my phone and computer within one hour, He did spend some time this afternoon installing a new hard drive.  Now I do have to confess that a good part of the problems may be attributed to operator error. 

He is so smart and I am so very very lucky!

Whoa!!!! WEARABLE Art

 

I know creating art should be about the process, but putting it out into the world is important to artists , also. 

I have heard of wearable art. The first thing that pops into my head is T-shirts, you know the ones you can purchase everywhere at any event. Then I saw all of the jewelers out on the art festival circuit, and their beautiful works of art were truly art that could be worn. Next, I noticed some ladies at crafty events who were dyeing fabric and making beautiful scarves, tops, and dresses. I realized wearable art can be just about anything!  Wearable art comes in all different mediums, so why not paint ON my clothes? I have been accidentally painting on my clothes my whole life. Why not paint on them intentionally? Creative, challenging, fun, inspirational, totally original me and wearable. It just does not get any better!

The first top I tried came out OK. I learned some things to do and not to do. After I finished it I ordered coordinating fabric and made a pair of pants to go with. It feels really incredible to paint, sew clothes and then wear them! How could it get any better?

The purple one is still underway, but I like where this is headed.

Inviting Creativty

I have spent the last few days re-reading some of the books I downloaded years ago when I was running back and forth to Leesburg to facilitate the "Artist's Way" and spend time (that means sip wine) with my dearest friend. I stumbled back on "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert and her words are beginning to inspire the creative part of me that I had long since thought was lost. It seems to be returning in spits and spurts.  I suspect that is solely based on my own fear and serious lack of inspiration. I am more than ready to invite creativity back into my life and this quote  made me giggle and look at my life from a different point of view.  I am ready to invite creativity back into my life.

“Dearest Fear: 

Creativity and I are about to go on a road trip together. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that you take your job seriously. Apparently your job is to induce complete panic whenever I’m about to do anything interesting—and, may I say, you are superb at your job. So by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must. But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. And Creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still—your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to touch the road maps; you’re not allowed to suggest detours; you’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you’re not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.”

Learn and Unlearn

 

I am learning and unlearning everything they say I can and cannot do. Living in this kind of place is an asylum-type experience. I have the most fun I can have breaking house rules and breaking some art rules here in my room. They seem to be fine with it as long as I do not burn up anything, and I have been told that painting on the walls is seriously frowned upon.

But honestly, I have really had a good time trying and learning new things that I never had time (or was healthy enough) to try. This week has been fun and perhaps unique. I painted my shirt, not canvas, using the wrong paint! It still needs hemming and buttons, but I am close enough to think it will be fun to wear.

I have even ordered fabric to make pants to match. I won't try painting those.  I got up the nerve to paint on cotton, but I think I need to experiment more before trying other types of man-made fiber fabrics.

The staff, on the other hand, often crabs about me being in my room too much.  There are some things here  I absolutely cannot do, 3x a week bingo, monthly Debbie the butterfly lady visits, and other activities geared towards older retired people, I am technically one of them. I am just not ready for that kind of stuff.  I do go down to the dining room once a day, but they say that is not enough. I have managed to still gain weight. That seems to be one of my unsung talents. This one I seriously need to "UNLEARN"!

 

I used to write almost daily. It was part of who I was.  Looking back, I Suspect it became the best tool I had to cope.  Cope with life, art, politics, things I loved and even things that drove me crazy.  I had several huge life changes, including losing my husband and having to sell my house, neither were planned and I certainly was not prepared for them. I guess I had somewhat of a breakdown or I was just plain overmedicated. My family placed  me in a memory care facility, and that was all about being like everyone else.  Something I have never been good, but after several months, I was deemed worthy to be sent to "regular population". In this assisted living facility, it was the 3rd floor with my own one-bedroom apartment, with a person who makes sure I take all my meds on time.  I tried desperately to participate and fit in but I was really bad at it and I was a miserable failure. It had been more than a year now and after so much effort I have adapted, but not their way...My Way...  They all seem to be ok with it, and I am learning to become one of the community but I am still doing it my way.  I hope to keep up my writing this time and continue some kind of life that includes my art and the old Cheryl.  I will tell you more but I just felt like I needed to give this another try!

"Shame on You" Indigo Girls"

Well it seems like they have changed the way to add music to a post and I got to figure it out.  That will take some and new unused brain cells.  Stay tuned