life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

NOW... is the time....

I have noticed large amounts of grousing here lately. This is not an apology, I am not sorry but it is perhaps an explanation. Grousing and writing is how I process the anger and frustration I have when this crappy heart failure snatches life and profoundly influences my days, my decisions, and my happiness.

I look at myself in the mirror and I look deceptively well. I work at it! I want  me and you to believe I am normal but the fact is I struggle everyday. I have to struggle for normal every "effin" day!

Heart failure is the inability of the heart muscle to pump enough blood to meet my body's needs. Heart failure creates a nasty mess of symptoms, and every one of them piss me off, severe loss of energy, chest pain, shortness of breath, coughing, dizziness, confusion, fat feet, swollen stomach, and extreme exhaustion at the drop of a hat. What I once did with little thought or effort is now a flipping monumental undertaking. And when I do them any way (and most of the time it is so worth it!) I am out of commission for several days afterward. My entire body, organs, tissues, and brain are starving and screaming desperately for the blood that is being denied to them. Heart failure sucks, it is debilitating, and gets progressively worse with time.

Today is as good as it gets, 

it does not get better.
what EVER I have wanted to do
NOW is the time!

" I Haven't Got Time for the Pain"  Carly Simon

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