Put your feet up…it’s going to be a long one! I have been consistently sidetracked with all of the political crap going on. First of all, even I will admit it is easy to get caught up in the drama, and second, it is a great way to focus on anything other than my life, my heart and my art…and quite frankly they all kind of suck right now!
The “Sunday Morning” program day before yesterday had a segment on Gilda Radner’s documentary “Love, Gilda” and I was intrigued. I always loved her on SNL roared at her characters Roseanne Roseannadana, Lisa Lubner, Emily Lutella , Judy and more. She always stole the show! I was overwhelmed by her death from ovarian cancer in the 80s and admired Gene Wilder’s tribute to her life and death by establishing Gilda’s Club but I never worked up the courage to read her book figuring it would just be too depressing…I cannot explain why the documentary was less threatening and depressing….but that is how I felt, so I rented it and watched. I realized quite by accident or design, I had used a Roseanne Roseannadana quote as part of my daily writing a few days ago. Sometimes the Universe just dumps lessons in my lap, and all I am required to do is listen and participate. It does not take much to recognize the big ones...all of the sudden it felt like "Gilda" was jumping up and down, wildly flailing her arms in the air screaming look at me...look at me!
Gilda journaled, recorded, photographed and left notes as she worked through her disease…and all of the sudden I loved her even more, not because she was funny but because she summoned up the courage to figure out why she was funny and how she protected herself with the humor. She even used it to protect herself from cancer. Yes, I have written my way through most of this disease, but there was no way I would post all of the gory details she was brave enough to, and forget photos….although as I look back there are a few, and they are every bit as disgusting as I recalled they were or wonderfully edited so you only see what I want you to see. Digging that deep, being that vulnerable takes more strength and courage than I think I will ever have. I am afraid to look at my own steroid induced “moon face” in the mirror…as if I was not round enough as it was. (Please do not think I am fishing for an “it’s not that bad” argument” …I am not) but I have through Gilda, figured out how and why I handle things the way I do.
Most people think I am so brave….I am ready to admit that I am not. I am scared shitless! But I am really good at getting out in front of it…in in front of you, the people I know and love…as well as strangers before anyone has a chance to criticize or assume I am less than, feel sorry for me or even think that I am any different from…. Then I realized I have done that my entire life. If I can stay ahead of the criticisms and can point out my failures and imperfections, laugh at myself first then no one else has a chance to. I have been so desperate to protect myself that it has just become automatic, I did not even think about it. It was the unconscious response to all difficult life situations and it has worked my entire life. For the most part, it has been a wonderful way to move through life, but it is getting harder now…a lot harder. It takes much more effort and energy and I am often frightened I will not be able to do it for much longer. I am not ready to be this vulnerable…and so I will continue to maintain my “wall” the best way I know how…but now you know where the cracks are.
"Breaking Silence" Janis Ian
I will not vote for one single Republican, because every single Republican voted against me (except one, and unfortunately he died).
I have recycled this one from my FB page...but thought it was worth posting again....
Quite frankly, it took about all I had to screw up my courage and unfriend then post like yesterday. I really do want to be the one that everybody likes! 
The things, whatever the hell they are, fly into my life, out of left field, kick my feet out from under me and while I am still laying on the floor wondering what the hell just happened, those damn things disappear and I am left in a rumpled mess of fear and pain. And believe it or not…it is not the mess, the fear or the pain that makes it so bad, it is the least expected feeling of overwhelming exhaustion that it leaves behind that hits me the hardest. 
I have no idea about what that specific magic shit is…I just know somewhere in my heart I am supposed to do it. And to make it worse I do not know magic! All I know is that I am compelled to keep writing about this. I always thought it was more about me, getting things out of my head and seeing my thoughts become tangible in written words. Almost makes it easier to figure out really difficult thoughts and problems! It used to be, that I did not share this blog with anyone, I mean it was on the internet but I did not announce it….and a lot of people found it anyway. It is much easier now.
The first thing you all need to know is that I am scared to death of heights! Not long ago I spent a very scary few days on one of the top floors of a downtown hospital recovering from open heart surgery. It was definitely not a “stress-free” environment as far as I was concerned and my entire focus was to get out of there. Out of my very high and very huge picture window, I could see most of Orlando and way out to I-Drive. A great view…unless you are afraid of heights, which meant I stayed on my side of the room, never getting close to that damn window! From my safe side of the room, I spent quite a bit of time watching this thing turning slowly and muttering to myself….who the hell in their right mind would pay to get on that thing? 
This is my favorite picture of my mother, not just because in my eyes she is so beautiful, but because for years of my life it was the only image of her I got to see. Every summer I looked forward to spending a week with my grandmother and my Pierce family but what I really looked forward to most of all, was seeing this picture of my mother that sat on the top of the corner bookshelf in her living room. It was always in the same place. 
This was another one of those statements that would come up regularly in class and I find that even though I am not teaching now, I feel like I still need to remind myself! 
Yea…and it gets even worse…I get excited about new dishwasher
soap pods, staying awake past 10 PM or any delivery from Amazon. I see a recital of TV commercials that promise
to erase wrinkles, improve memory, and increase joint strength…and yet… there
is nothing for maintaining my cool.
However, even I will confess, I am not entirely sure how much “cool” I
had in the first place or that it can be enlarged, augmented, boosted or
amplified …but my “cool” is desperately drooping and I am absolutely certain I
do not want to give up
Passionately curious is a trait I find in almost every artist. In my classes, I often explained that anyone can be taught the techniques of drawing, painting, sculpture, etc. What makes an artist great is the ability to “see”, to really see an object, situation or feeling and then give it a fresh new form or interpretation. It is curiosity that propels the desire and ability to look at how one shape influences another, where one line lies in relationship to another, or how color varies with light. It is seeing the many independent parts that make up the whole. That visual information is internalized, digested and mixed with the artist's emotions and then re-emerges as an image, a story, a dance, a piece of music… curiosity is at the root of every creation. I have had the interesting opportunity to watch that same intensity of creative curiosity wrap around the current political climate. Artists/creatives seem to use that same level of intense study and observation in forming their own political opinions. I know that every artist’s opinion is a product of “seeing” from many sides of the situation. When I engage in a political discussion and ask, why, there is no hesitation. Creatives know and can verbalize precisely what they have seen, and how it produces the opinions they have developed. They never try to convince me that their opinion is right, only appreciative that they can share their thoughts. In contrast, the most politically vehement expend all of their energy by becoming louder, ruder and more belligerent, in an attempt to prove they and they alone are right. They assume loud repetitive defensive positions without the facts or even logical assumptions to support them. They deny themselves the opportunity to “see” another point of view and so the important conversations…just stop.
Yesterday and today, and perhaps the next few days I am watching an embarrassing display of this country’s congressional dysfunction. What screamed loud and clear is that my country is run by temper tamper throwing privileged white men with a president that has not only provided a horrific role model but has sanctioned appalling, crude, unacceptable, and misogynist behavior that is typical of bullies. Our Democracy is broken and the men we chose to defend it are now using it to their own personal political and financial advantage. They have abandoned the constituents and the constitution they swore to uphold. They now serve themselves and a political party over us…the people. It is clear that the executive and legislative branch of our government and the checks and balances instituted by our forefathers are failing us and one of our last functioning hopes of re-establishing a democracy that we hold dear …is our judicial system. Yesterday was the obvious and blatant attempt to overtake the third and final check of our constitutional rights as Americans by distorting the Supreme Court. 
