Sweet-Sweet Good Days!

Whew!  I was way over due for a good day and got a spectacular one today!  A delightful meeting with an art center about teaching! 

Delivered an original piece to its’ new owner.

Delivered I hi-res scan of the Great White Heron that is going to be used for the Leesburg Art Festival poster in March 2013.

Oh how nice to be coming out of that nasty funk!  I understand the ugly days are a necessary part of life.  How would we recognize the good days, if we did not have the bad ones?  Those nasty, ugly, bad days sure do make the good days sweet!

Head vs. Heart

I am just now learning how to “step outside of myself” to look at life and situations from a different, less emotional perspective. When handling difficult circumstances or making important decisions it is the most valuable emotional “ tool” in my box. Working from a strict “head” position has some serious advantages!

It is interesting that in today’s world so much of the media, marketing, medical and political industry are counting on me working strictly from my heart and fear. Fear (heart) is how we are controlled, thinking and common sense (head) is how we stop this.

In a recent medical situation, when I stepped beyond my emotions, and pragmatically looked at what was being done and why, it was grossly evident that these actions were not about my health needs but the desires of the financial and legal liability of others.

Using my head allowed me to take my power back, to listen, to hear and to make an intelligent decision without struggling with my fear and emotions. However, regardless of how much control I have of a situation, I often feel my heart creeping in to complicate the issue.

My heart, my emotions are mine, they are personal, they give me the ability to love, they give me the power to create, they define who I am. I cannot allow them to be used against me, so I will not behave in ways that others feel are appropriate or for their personal or financial gain. Allowing others into my heart gives them power over my head.   It is a war.

Loosing Ground

I had to stop, re-group and remember this one, because I am angry and I want desperately to “throw dirt” at the medical industry.  

It is more business and less care. Fashioned after a corporate manufacturing business that produces immediate results, efficiency and profits, they have forgotten at its roots it should be about people. In emergency health situations, immediate results are easy to identify but in long-term chronic illnesses, they are truly in need of work.  

The medical industry plugs every health situation into a standard rubric to come up with the logical (you will be cured) conclusion. They have not figured out that chronic illness and our lives already have a “standard” conclusion, but it will not fit into the, “you will be cured” rubric. Trying to mash me into that rubric makes me (and the medical industry) feel like a failure. 

Nobody wins! 

It does not have to be like this! 

It should not be like this!


i am just pooped...

Pity party ALERT

There are days that this is really really hard. More than the physical issues, the emotional part of this makes it so grueling. There are days it just does not seem worth the struggle. Some days my heart hurts, but my head keeps me together. Other days my head is exhausted but I am so grateful that my wonderful heart is still working, and then there are days like today, when my head and my heart crap out at the same time. It is overwhelming and I begin to wonder why I am doing this. I am very tired. I know I should be grateful, but have to wonder when this will all be over? I am so ready for it to be done. I am just pooped…

saving my heart...



AMA again....

A day at the hospital was absolutely horrible.  I have been poked, prodded and pushed and the only answer was... that they wanted me to stay for a day or 2 longer in the cardiac unit, so they can do more. I cannot do more! Why can’t they understand, I cannot do more emotionally!  I cannot do more financially!  I cannot do hospitals.  I do not want to be sick, I do not want be around sick people and places.  I do not need molecular, enzymatic, nuclear electrical answers, to everything?  Just make this stop. I cannot stay in a hospital while they just look around and do test after test to tell me what I already know. I have another hospital black mark on my name and I have checked out AMA again. Why won't they understand?  Why don't they understand? 
Never again...
Never again!

The Razor's Edge

Sometimes, I think too hard.
Should I damn the torpedoes (or the feelings of others) just make myself happy with all the art and passion, I can get, while I can?

Should I “not rock the boat” maintain the status quo, be the good girl, make everyone else happy?

Should I aspire to the higher good, leave a lasting mark on the world?

Every day I wake up with a different focus and a limited amount of time.  I should be able to choose and focus on at least one of the above, but cannot settle on one or the other.
Is there some way I can do it all? 
Is this the razor's edge I am trying to avoid by NOT chosing?

Time

You can always tell when school has started; my time is stretched to its limit. Creating art and writing are the first activities to take a hit! And I am feeling it! 

Time is inexplicable, there is always too much or too little.  

My one-woman exhibit came down today, and it was bitter sweet. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful it has been and as it turns out it has been magnificently lucrative, too. I was pushed physically and creatively and although I got very close to my breaking point, I did not! I rushed so to get the art finished and framed , I dashed back and forth to Leesburg to the events, but looking back I wish I had taken more time to just stand back, look at what I had accomplished and truly enjoy it.  



Time to figure out what I need to do next.  But this time I want to pay more attention to the "doing" and less concern about the time!

Gifts

Some gifts come in boxes covered in pretty paper and tied in ribbon. They are fun and easily recognized but the gifts that life delivers are not always so easy to identify. Sometimes gifts are life lessons that come packaged in fear, heartache and hurt. But they are gifts nonetheless. I have to wade through the grief, before these situations reveal their rewards and point out what is important, where my power is, how to be strong, what to let go of, what to hang on to and how to move through difficult situations with strength and grace.

I am beginning to recognize all of the gifts and lessons I am receiving and I am learning to accept what comes next with dignity, strength and grace. I still have a long, long way to go.

Bitch… Moan… Whine…

Monday has lapped right on into Tuesday!   Not that Tuesday was anything special.  Tuesday’s only real claim to fame is that it is not Monday. 

The “logic” class I am taking is anything but logical.  After struggling for days with the beginning semantics I find that a big part of my problem is that in logic “valid” does NOT mean true, or factual or any other word I thought all of my life it meant.  Perhaps it does mean those things in regular life but NOT in logic.  Is that logical?

City advisory board meeting tonight, nuff said!

Heart Failure Clinic appointment at the butt crack of dawn in the morning....and again, could we please call this office something-anything else?  Hate the place, hate going, intensely dislike everything about it.  It is always an embarrassing, humiliating, frustrating, horrible experience.  YIKES!   Hate-Hate-Hate it. 

I know I should be grateful for all of my wonderful gifts, and I want to,  but sometimes I just need to be gross, ugly, outrageously offensive and just let it rip!  Bitch....Moan...Whine.....

Wonky and a Cheeseburger

I really needed this reminder today! 

Been dragging my ass because things have changed and I am not able to live up to the expectations I have for what a normal should be or look like. 

Sometimes I get so caught up in the appearance of normal and perfection that I cannot see at all. 

There are some days that I am physically exhausted for no reason, and most times that can be fixed with a short rest,  but the worst days are the ones I am emotionally exhausted,

there is nothing that can fix that,

except a little wonky

and a cheeseburger!

As it Turns Out

As it turns out….What they say I can do, and what I am actually able to do are wonderfully different!  I do not exactly understand where the energy comes from but I gladly receive every ounce of it and have learned to squeeze the most out of every moment.  This has truly been one of the best summers of my life, and I am so very very grateful!

No Expectations

One of my mantras in life is no expectations.  

I have found my past expectations of people and/or situations have typically created the most unhappiness in my life. If I approach life without expectations, then every situation/person offers the opportunity to authentically experience reality, good or bad. No expectations mean I am open to all of the marvelous opportunities and possibilities.   

All of this being said, I find that expectations creep into my life anyway. When my preconceived expectations, intentional or not, bump into reality, it is almost always followed by pain.

Expectations have done it again.

hOLy cRAp.....another one!

Holy Crap!!!! Another article...Woo-Hoo...Who says you cannot go back home?
I'll be back home with bells on for the Sept. 8th "Meet the Artist"!

 

 

Lessons, lessons, and more lessons!

 It seems very appropriate that as my summer winds down and another semester begins (whew) that I am more aware of lessons and how they come into my life and what they teach me.  I have had a boatload of lessons recently, some good, some bad, but one specifically reminded me how important it is to take care of my own heart. “Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.”-Buz Luhrmann 
I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life!

The Price

The last couple of weeks have been like a dream come true, and the most exciting part of all of it is that I did it!  Two openings in two weeks, one as one-woman show and the other the Artist’s Way Group exhibition. Each of them had their own set of incredible but different challenges.

I have facilitated, created, framed, delivered, planned, installed, marketed, danced, ate, and drank. I have given 100% of my body and soul; it is all I know how to do when it comes to the art. It was my first step back into the life I once had. However, reality has also spoken up and rudely reminded me that it has come at a physical price.  

A price that I have willingly paid, and would happily pay again it the opportunity comes, because this is my life, it is what I do, it is what gives my life meaning.

Now the choice is mine.

All of the pushing, the fretting, and the carrying back and forth is over and I could not have asked for more perfect!  The Artist’s Way Celebration of Creativity was awesome, well attended, everyone had fun and the artwork is fantastic!  I can say the very same thing about Pairings in Leesburg, one week later, but this one was all my work!

There were times, especially last week, that I was not certain I would make it.  But I did.  I have been reminded what my life used to look like, I have been given the opportunity to show the world and me what I can do. 

Now the choice is mine...

Pairings set up

Do NOT crap out on me now!

Body has stepped up and announced loudly “ENOUGH BITCH”.   So…. that there is absolutely no misunderstanding …. this is NOT what I wanted and it is NOT so much better!What I have accomplished in the past few weeks is phenomenal, what it has done to me sucks!
Please-Please incredible wonderful, beautiful strong  heart do not crap out on me now!