life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Saturday, July 16, 2011


How many of my expectations and reactions are actually mine, and how many of them are preprogrammed emotional responses from parents, church, school and generational social standards?

There are big issues in my life that have made me grossly aware of pre-programming but they have also provoked some serious thinking and major changes. Unfortunately, no matter how aware I am of pre-programmed negativity, there are still times that little bits of bizarre behavior or snap judgments continue to slip through. Every now and again, I find myself reacting to a situation or drawing a conclusion based on ugly pre-programmed information from my past. After the situation has unfolded I realize that my reaction was not how I would consciously choose to react and it is very scary!

Simply being aware of this does not always seem to be the best way to control the pre-programmed negativity that creeps into my consciousness without my permission!

For now, the best I can do is be aware of my unrealistic expectations and reactions, take the time to investigate where these feelings are coming from, and then decide are these feelings really mine.

Am I mimicking others reactions because it easier to do than coming up with my own?

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