life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Friday, June 4, 2010

Celebrating Meaning & Purpose

Heart disease seems to have a dynamic life of its own, completely independent of logic and my wishes. It operates like a spoiled or cranky young child that I have little control over. There are good days and bad for no obvious or predictable reason. There are periods of time I feel like I have it figured how to balance and optimize my energy levels and then as quickly as I find the formula for organizing and maintaining, it slips away for no reason.

I am beginning to question if my frustration stems from how blessed I have been in the past. Although I have certainly endured my share of life’s pain and grief, for the most part, it has been a wonderfully successful and happy life. If I did not have such a magnificent life, would these current life changes be so frustrating?

Instead of mourning my current life style losses, perhaps I should begin truly celebrating those things that I had. I do not fear dying anywhere near as much as I am afraid of not being able to celebrate the rest of my life with the meaning and purpose I have known.

I wonder if my friends and family understand this.

1 comment:

  1. I think that I do understand, Cheryl, I think I do. I'll have to ponder on it some to see how what you said applies to my life. I am mourning my current life style losses and I do fear dying. I don't so much fear being dead as I do leaving Ernie, our friends and family behind. I don't feel sad so much for me as especially for Ernie. I have been reassured by my counselor that he will do okay, that she will help him along with our friends, but I just feel so sad for him. I try to tell myself that without me he will still have plenty of time left to have a "normal" life. Not sure that's what he wants, but he'll at least have the opportunity. I console myself by remembering that we have had 15+ years together, something not very common for relationships in which one person has cystic fibrosis.

    I know that reading about how you are coping, or some days not, is helping me so very much! I admire you for blogging about it, Cheryl. I feel honored to have met you and gotten to know you.Thank you Cheryl, for putting it out there. You've helped me so very much!