life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

.
Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Friday, June 4, 2010

Celebrating Meaning & Purpose

Heart disease seems to have a dynamic life of its own, completely independent of logic and my wishes. It operates like a spoiled or cranky young child that I have little control over. There are good days and bad for no obvious or predictable reason. There are periods of time I feel like I have it figured how to balance and optimize my energy levels and then as quickly as I find the formula for organizing and maintaining, it slips away for no reason.

I am beginning to question if my frustration stems from how blessed I have been in the past. Although I have certainly endured my share of life’s pain and grief, for the most part, it has been a wonderfully successful and happy life. If I did not have such a magnificent life, would these current life changes be so frustrating?

Instead of mourning my current life style losses, perhaps I should begin truly celebrating those things that I had. I do not fear dying anywhere near as much as I am afraid of not being able to celebrate the rest of my life with the meaning and purpose I have known.

I wonder if my friends and family understand this.

1 comment:

  1. I think that I do understand, Cheryl, I think I do. I'll have to ponder on it some to see how what you said applies to my life. I am mourning my current life style losses and I do fear dying. I don't so much fear being dead as I do leaving Ernie, our friends and family behind. I don't feel sad so much for me as especially for Ernie. I have been reassured by my counselor that he will do okay, that she will help him along with our friends, but I just feel so sad for him. I try to tell myself that without me he will still have plenty of time left to have a "normal" life. Not sure that's what he wants, but he'll at least have the opportunity. I console myself by remembering that we have had 15+ years together, something not very common for relationships in which one person has cystic fibrosis.

    I know that reading about how you are coping, or some days not, is helping me so very much! I admire you for blogging about it, Cheryl. I feel honored to have met you and gotten to know you.Thank you Cheryl, for putting it out there. You've helped me so very much!

    ReplyDelete