life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Thursday, March 25, 2010

Wrong Answers

Waiting and whining and the answer is no. I left a hospital with the knowledge this was bad, and most probably would not have a happy ending, and as goofy as it sounds, I was ok with that. Maybe the reality had not sunk in, or maybe it was before hope took hold.

Hope took hold. It was like a little light at the end of a long tunnel, all I had to do was be strong, keep working and keep hoping. As it turns out hope is like a rainbow, it is pretty but as soon as you get close to it, it vanishes.

This is the last no. I have wasted the last 6 months of my life chasing a rainbow and avoiding the shadows. The shadows had all of the answers that I knew in my heart, but would not look at.

I am not sure what happens next, I have been excluded from stem cell research, and declined for surgery. It is time for the roller coaster to stop. The hope has to stop, so acceptance and living can go on.

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