2011 Resolution

In 2011,

I will look to my own heart as my compass;

I trust it will help me see more clearly which direction to go to create an inspirational life.

I am grateful that I am on a path that will bring me closer to my purpose in life!

The Greatest Gifts Do Not Fit Under the Tree!

A most awesome fun visit! Of all the gifts under the tree, these little guys are the real gifts of Christmas. My heart breaks for them every day!

The Heart May Open

“Close the door of words that the window of the heart may open.” Rumi

This season brings out the best and the worst!
Mixed in with the random acts of kindness are massive amounts of vulgar ego.

I am just now learning how to open up and depend upon my heart.

It Makes Anything Possible!

The Christmas season and anticipation of a brand new year fill my heart with positive thoughts, forgiveness and hope. The disappointments in the past cannot equal the power of love that gives my heart and soul all of the energy I could possibly need. It makes anything possible!

Listen to Your Heart

Listen to your heart when it asks you to act with kindness. Your heart knows what truly fulfills you.
Listen to your heart when it suggests that you be patient. Your heart knows how real and lasting value is created.

Listen to your heart when it calls you to live this moment with joy. Your heart knows what makes you the most effective.

Listen to your heart when it urges you to see profound beauty in the most ordinary things. Your heart knows where your real strength comes from.

Listen to your heart when it reminds you to feel hopeful. Your heart knows about possibilities that your mind has not yet considered.

Whether you're up or you're down, whether you're confident or unsure, listen to your heart. For your heart knows why you're here.

- Ralph Marston

No Matter What the Circumstances

I am not my problems and they are not me. I choose to express my unique value no matter what the circumstances.

Great Joy

Pain is part of life.
Accepting the hurt and moving forward anyway is the secret of happiness.
When you encounter great difficulty and resistance, it means you are on the verge of great joy.

Abstract Medicine

Ab-strakt (adjective) emotionally detached or distanced from something Encarta Dictionary: English (North American)

The idea of empathy, sincerity and caring about another human being as part of medicine is abstract.

Like a painter participates in a process that includes a relationship with the paint and the canvas, I wonder why my doctors cannot participate in the process that includes a relationship with medicine and me.

I am learning to make peace with the fact that in the eyes of most of today's medical industry I (and others) are nothing more than a billable disease.

"....9 out of 10 doctors think you should get well immediately, the 10th doctor thinks you have a few bucks left". (posted by my brother in-law Alan, fellow heart patient)

I DO NOT give permission!

I DO NOT give my permission for doctors, hospitals and drug companies to exploit this disease and my fear for their their financial gain. And, quite frankly I do not have the resources for them to be that interested.

The Real Loss

Life entrenched in material comfort without purpose, can be misery.
Life surrounded with purpose is sweet and fulfilling, even when there are obstacles, questions and pain.

Some how, I was convinced to spend far too much of my life working toward a concept that society defined as successful.

I was convinced that my heart and soul’s purpose could not be enough to create a happy life. I always needed to be more, or better.

Please, believe me when I tell you that every moment of my life
that I was NOT pursuing my purpose
is the real loss that I grieve.

Turkey Birthdays

The wonderful opportunity to spend the day with all of my boys!
1 husband, 2 sons, 3 grandsons (and a partridge in a pear tree!) for Thanksgiving and Jason's and Oliver's birthday was a huge gift.
This was a most wonderful day and I am incredibly grateful!

Full Moon Fridays

There is absolutely nothing better than being outdoors on a crisp fall evening around an open fire, under a full moon with a hand full of marvelous creative women. (A little wine and chocolate don’t hurt either!) The most open, honest, authentic creative inspiration appears on full moon Fridays! Thank you!

Art, Heart & Healing

Art Journaling class! (on line) So much Fun!

Here & Now Music by Jana Stanfield

Almost Perfectly Wonderful!

Had an adventurous purposeful day!
Was able to keep up as we walked the school corridors and see at the most creative art works you could imagine!
Had an impeccable lunch on the patio with Herbie Hancock,the resident rooster.
Concealed the exhaustion in the bookstore stacks then slept for 3 hours.
But there are no words that will be able to express how tickled and grateful I am to have an almost perfectly wonderful day with absolutely perfectly wonderful friends!

Don't Talk Like That!

I come to this blog to squeeze fear out of my life
I can expose and work through the parts of this disease
that I (and most everybody) do not want to look at or talk about.

I can come here and write about fear.
I can explore my fear before anyone can say “don't talk like that.”

I can work through the ugly questions...

Do I give the medical industry permission to exploit my fears because I have been too afraid to accept death as part of life?

How could I allow the pharmaceutical industry to define my life when I know their only interest in me is a means to generate profits?

Why don't they ever ask me what I think or what I want?

All Hallow's Eve

Two vampires
A witch
A ninja
A ghost
How fun!
I missed halloween last year,
not missing this year!
Here comes another ghost and
an e-mail from University of Miami
stem cell research....

I Wonder if He Knows.

Gauguin inscribed on one of his pieces,
“Where do we come from?"
"What are we?"
"Where are we going?”
If he were still alive,
I would answer him.

I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.

I wonder if he knows now?

The official list of "I Hate It When’s"

So, in the interest of my sanity, and my one year anniversary and since this is the forum to express myself; not the doctor’s office, I will keep this short and pithy…

I hate it when, I am forced to think about breathing or my heart beating.

I hate it when, my heart flip-flops and scares the be-Jesus out of me.

I hate it when my toes look and feel like "Snausages" doggie treats.

I hate it when, I have to tell Skip I don’t feel good —again.

I hate it when, I feel like death warmed over.

I hate it when, the nurse takes my blood while fighting with her boyfriend on a cell phone crooked in her neck.

I hate it when, I think of doctors (but I suspect they hate thinking about me, too)... We’re even!

I hate it when, doctors toss pills around like candy and....oh hell, I'm not going there....

I hate it when, my chest hurts and feels so full, I would not be surprised if the next moment looked like a scene from "Alien".

But...
I love that I am still here and I can come to this blog, and be myself, whatever myself is that day.

OOOOH...That felt good!

Happy Anniversary Heart, You are doing a great job!

Options

Acceptance is the foundation of emotional options.
If you are not accepting the facts,
nothing else will work.
That’s all!

The ability to exercise my emotional options rests on a foundation of acceptance.
Acceptance is the absolute prerequisite to beginning,
NOT ENDING!
A year ago, the beginnings of this stage of my life were fear, despair, shame, fear, guilt, resentment and fear.
Oh, Did I forget to mention fear?
All of these starting points had one thing in common.
They are all rooted in giving up all of my other emotional options.

I have a second chance to begin again by celebrating life, choosing acceptance and exercising all of my emotional options!

PS..these are the flowers and the second installments to "MY HEART" book that wonderful creative friends gave me, and Terry got me a totem and soap. It was like Christmas!

Don't I have some kick-butt friends?