life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Sunday, April 25, 2010

Where Are the Rules???

Stumbling through this has been an eye opening experience. I am beginning to think the emotions I am traveling through are just part of the grieving process, described by Elizabeth Kubler Ross in her book on death and dying. Is this what is happening to me? Am I ready? Was working so hard to get medical help just part of my personal denial process? I have thousands of questions and no one to help me find the answers. Shouldn't there be help and counseling out there or is this something we all must do on our own?

Where are the rules on how to do this?
Am reading a new book on living fully through the last stages of life, stay tuned, maybe the answers are in this book.


  1. I would love to know what the book is that you are reading as I have been going through some rather emotional stuff myself. I had sunk into a deep depression and just didn't care. Today was the worst. I went to my counselor and just started crying once I got through the door. With her help and the help of my wonderful husband, I walked out of there feeling so much better. I was ready to be hospitalized for depression, I felt so bad. Tonight, however, I am still amazed at the difference.

    You should be able to find a counselor to help you with these feelings, Cheryl. And there is nothing to be ashamed of about Medicaid. It's there, use it. As far as the doctors, perhaps it's just the type of doctors your are seeing. I have wonderful doctors. I have the most wonderful cardiologist, that thankfully I don't have to see anymore, Dr. Go. She is awesome!! I prefer female physicians whenever possible. I don't know if she takes Medicaid or not, but she was one of the nicest physicians I've ever met. It might be worth a try to see if she takes Medicaid. There may come a time when you really need a doctor and it would be nice to have one that you are at least familiar with. To get one that you like would be awesome. I don't believe that the universe brought you this far just to say, okay, finding a decent doctor is impossible.
    Perhaps I have a different perspective because I have always been sick. I'm used to being humiliated and the like. I've never really liked doctors, though that has begun to change, finally. It is rather daunting when you are new to the whole medical profession. Perhaps if you can look at it from what might be their perspective it might make a difference. They are overworked, underpaid in some cases, and perhaps not overjoyed at taking on a new, complicated patient, especially one, that you have said yourself is terminal. Though, quite frankly, we're all terminal. I'm not saying that excuses them, I'm just saying perhaps you can look at it from the other side. They are, after all, people first and foremost, though some of them don't think so.

  2. Cheryl, I am always available if you want to talk. I have been experiencing some of the same issues with death and dying myself and find it hard to talk about with most people. I guess if I weren't isolating so much, it might be easier. However, I am working to get out of the isolation. This isn't something that anyone should have to go through alone. It's scary, it's not fair, I didn't get to do all the things I wanted, I can't do things that I want to do now. There are just so many emotions running rampant. It's hard because it seems like no one talks about it. Then again, until you've reached this point, or something close, most people can't really identify. And that adds isolation to the mix. I've been struggling with this myself for a couple of months now. It's funny because I never planned to live this long and now that I have, I find that it's not been long enough.
    By the way, this is Cathy Phelps. I posted the comment above as well. I didn't realize that it wouldn't show my name when I posted. I will try to call or send you an email later today, as it is already Wednesday morning. I do believe it's time for me to head to bed. Hang in there, Cheryl. You've got a lot of wonderful people pulling for you! God bless!