life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Do Not Get Sick!!

Let's see, in the past 3 months I have been turned away by 4 doctors. 4 doctors that accept medicaid. I am not excited or proud that I have had to resort to medicaid for medical help, but in this economy it was all I had. In the beginning I felt extremely lucky to have gotten it. Now I am not so sure it was my best move. It is hard for me to determine whether I am being turned down because I have a terminal heart disease and am most certainly a liability to any doctor that takes me on as a patient or that this is just another casualty of the current economy. With uncertain political health care situations, I am beginning to feel like this may also factor into why so many doctors have turned me down.

Regardless of the reason, I am exhausted. I do not feel any better than a beggar on the street corner with a tin cup watching everyone pass me by in disgust.

I am not certain I knew what death and dying would feel like, but I had never factored in rejection and humulity as part of the process. I am really tired, physically because of my heart and today was the last rejection I think I can handle emotionally. This has been an awful experience and quite frankly I am finished with it. I remember a wonderful quote "no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission" (I am certain that is paraphrased incorrectly, but you get the point). My body is making me feel bad enough without my permission, I will be damned if I will let anyone else do that to me. So, no more doctors, no more being denied and rejected. Just me and what ever I have left.

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