life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Do Not Get Sick!!

Let's see, in the past 3 months I have been turned away by 4 doctors. 4 doctors that accept medicaid. I am not excited or proud that I have had to resort to medicaid for medical help, but in this economy it was all I had. In the beginning I felt extremely lucky to have gotten it. Now I am not so sure it was my best move. It is hard for me to determine whether I am being turned down because I have a terminal heart disease and am most certainly a liability to any doctor that takes me on as a patient or that this is just another casualty of the current economy. With uncertain political health care situations, I am beginning to feel like this may also factor into why so many doctors have turned me down.

Regardless of the reason, I am exhausted. I do not feel any better than a beggar on the street corner with a tin cup watching everyone pass me by in disgust.

I am not certain I knew what death and dying would feel like, but I had never factored in rejection and humulity as part of the process. I am really tired, physically because of my heart and today was the last rejection I think I can handle emotionally. This has been an awful experience and quite frankly I am finished with it. I remember a wonderful quote "no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission" (I am certain that is paraphrased incorrectly, but you get the point). My body is making me feel bad enough without my permission, I will be damned if I will let anyone else do that to me. So, no more doctors, no more being denied and rejected. Just me and what ever I have left.

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