life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Saturday, October 11, 2014

Some Things Never Change!

A week ago today I was at my Mother’s home taking turns with siblings, sitting at her bedside, she died the following day.   My younger sister began to write her obituary and the cell phone blew up with questions.  Some I had the answers for, others I had known the answer and had chosen to forget, but most  of her questions brought about feelings of hurt and pain I thought I had let go of long ago.  But here they are again, this time swirled around and mixed in with grief.  Then I found this photo, going through old albums and records, and all of the sudden laughter became a part of this toxic mixture of grief, hurt and pain.

She is dead,  And although I am 60  years old the thought of living the rest of my life without her still makes me feel stripped, naked and vulnerable. But now a little smile will slip through, remembering how I laughed hysterically when I found this picture she took. A reminder that that life is about birth, death and changes, but at the same time I realized some things will never change. I would like to believe that 57 or so years ago, she knew one day, when I most needed it, I would absolutely roar laughing at this picture.
Thank you Mother, I needed this today. Thank you!
"Thank You"  Dido

1 comment:

  1. I am sorry for your loss, Chery. My mom passed 2 years ago November. Though our relationship was complicated and we did not live near each other, you still hurt-and it comes back at unexpected times-then you will laugh at a pleasant memory.
    I am sending you a big bear hug and a giant belly laugh.