life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Healing my Heart

The family calendar (my sister publishes every year) is completely void of anything Cheryl, no birthday, no anniversary, or admission that I am alive.
I do not exist.

The same holds true for my brother, without the tangible calendar evidence.
I do not exist.

There are no discussions, we do not argue or fight.
We do not owe each other money or property.
We simply did not agree with each other at sometime in the past.

I need all of my heart, to heal my heart,
I acknowledge the damaging blockade in my heart created by the pain I ignored.
I am letting go all hope of having a loving relationship in the future or a chance to repair the damage from the past.

I release my resentment and hurt.
I allow myself to grieve.
I forgive.
I exist.

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