Pain is relative. No, I don’t mean those unannounced visits from your family. I mean that when I think about my heart, I become very aware of it beating, my breathing, and the pain.
But when I am creating, I am absolutely pain free for so long as I remember not to realize that I am not remembering that I have pain (as she takes breath) and thereby ruin the fact that I wasn’t aware that I had pain. Um…yeah.
So my latest practice is to try not to think about my heart and maybe I’ll be less focused on my symptoms.
Good luck, me!
life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings
.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Out of my Comfort Zone
Algebra...(I hope I pass, I hope I pass...)
Facilitating Artist's Way on line
Physical changes
I am way out there where the magic happens...Bring it!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Some days this works better than others…
When life appears to be totally out of control this becomes the mantra of a certified control freak. "Whatever may or may not be happening to me, I can choose to feel exactly the way I want to feel."
Some days this works better than others…
Some days this works better than others…
Saturday, March 12, 2011
How Are You Feeling?
How are you feeling?
More than a couple of people ask me that everyday and that is the reason I write…
I typically answer, fine but today I surprised myself and stopped. Today it was a tougher question. I wanted to say fine, because in a comparative way, I am. I truly have few complaints, but today I stopped short of fine because I am not. I have terminal heart failure, and although extremely grateful for my good days and all of the great health I have enjoyed I know what bubbles underneath is just like lava below the surface of my thin crusted well-being. So, I answer fine, even when it is not.
I am out of breath, swollen and tired all of the time. These are the parts of this disease that have become a part of my everyday life. Sometimes my chest hurts and is so heavy I think I am going to implode, but am afraid I can't tell the difference between my paranoid imagination and serious disease symptoms anymore. Then I wonder, does it really matter. It's terminal heart failure, it’s pointless to worry. And even though I don’t want to worry, I will worry just the same. Go figure @$%*@
I don’t know what condition my heart is in, because I don’t want to know, I'll only worry. Better or worse, good or bad, functioning at maximum capacity or not, I don’t want to know any more. I don't want any more degrading, toxic, invasive, nuclear exams that doctors deal out like a cheap deck of cards. Besides, a walk to the end of the block and a couple of glasses of pinot grigio and I can produce the same results as the high priced atom smashing machines. (There is a reason for those lead aprons!) Quite frankly, I’d rather get smashed by the pinot, then I'll send them my results and a bill.
Why do I need to know all of this information, I’m not sure I should…no, scratch that, I do NOT want to know. If God wanted me to have access to all of that information, I’d have a daily paper read-out spew from a bodily orifice somewhere.
So, instead of feeling sick, waiting for them to run tests to tell me I am not getting better or feeling well, waiting for them to tell I am still sick, I have decided to just be. I have discovered, without the aid of the medical industry, that the best way to feel better when I feel like crap is to force myself to get up and just create something. That’s one of the reasons I paint, draw and write this blog.
Now… who wants another pinot?
More than a couple of people ask me that everyday and that is the reason I write…
I typically answer, fine but today I surprised myself and stopped. Today it was a tougher question. I wanted to say fine, because in a comparative way, I am. I truly have few complaints, but today I stopped short of fine because I am not. I have terminal heart failure, and although extremely grateful for my good days and all of the great health I have enjoyed I know what bubbles underneath is just like lava below the surface of my thin crusted well-being. So, I answer fine, even when it is not.
I am out of breath, swollen and tired all of the time. These are the parts of this disease that have become a part of my everyday life. Sometimes my chest hurts and is so heavy I think I am going to implode, but am afraid I can't tell the difference between my paranoid imagination and serious disease symptoms anymore. Then I wonder, does it really matter. It's terminal heart failure, it’s pointless to worry. And even though I don’t want to worry, I will worry just the same. Go figure @$%*@
I don’t know what condition my heart is in, because I don’t want to know, I'll only worry. Better or worse, good or bad, functioning at maximum capacity or not, I don’t want to know any more. I don't want any more degrading, toxic, invasive, nuclear exams that doctors deal out like a cheap deck of cards. Besides, a walk to the end of the block and a couple of glasses of pinot grigio and I can produce the same results as the high priced atom smashing machines. (There is a reason for those lead aprons!) Quite frankly, I’d rather get smashed by the pinot, then I'll send them my results and a bill.
Why do I need to know all of this information, I’m not sure I should…no, scratch that, I do NOT want to know. If God wanted me to have access to all of that information, I’d have a daily paper read-out spew from a bodily orifice somewhere.
So, instead of feeling sick, waiting for them to run tests to tell me I am not getting better or feeling well, waiting for them to tell I am still sick, I have decided to just be. I have discovered, without the aid of the medical industry, that the best way to feel better when I feel like crap is to force myself to get up and just create something. That’s one of the reasons I paint, draw and write this blog.
Now… who wants another pinot?
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Love, Strength and Possibility
What if my limitations are illusions manufactured by my own fears?
What if my fear is not a circumstance of reality; but my own simple ugly pessimistic thinking.
Fear manipulates, controls, paralyzes.
Can fear continue to exist if I move my thoughts beyond it?
Can fear survive in the presence of love,strength and possibility?
....nope
What if my fear is not a circumstance of reality; but my own simple ugly pessimistic thinking.
Fear manipulates, controls, paralyzes.
Can fear continue to exist if I move my thoughts beyond it?
Can fear survive in the presence of love,strength and possibility?
....nope
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Here it is Again
I have the most wonderful heart,
It knows what to do
I trust
It knows what to do
I am grateful
It knows what to do
Monday, February 28, 2011
my peace
my peace will come when I understand i cannot fix this and let it be.
my peace will come when I recognize the circumstances I am in and let it be.
my peace will come when I accept people for what they are and let it be.
my peace is in every moment that is free of ego, judgment and control.
my peace is now,
if I can let it be.
my peace will come when I recognize the circumstances I am in and let it be.
my peace will come when I accept people for what they are and let it be.
my peace is in every moment that is free of ego, judgment and control.
my peace is now,
if I can let it be.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Stronger I Grow
I do not have to surrender to or fight for control;
I simply need to focus on the people and things that create positive influences.
The more positive energy I create and surround myself with, the stronger I grow.
The stronger I grow the more control I have to do away with all of my fear, hurt and chaos.
I simply need to focus on the people and things that create positive influences.
The more positive energy I create and surround myself with, the stronger I grow.
The stronger I grow the more control I have to do away with all of my fear, hurt and chaos.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Full Moons
No doctors or pills, can do anything near as amazing as a full moon,a bottle of wine, a blazing fire and the most marvelous creative friends. I am blessed to be on this path!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I'm Working On It....
Revelation #1
I have had a wonderfully simple and incredibly enjoyable DIY (do it yourself) life. I grew up in an extremely harsh and emotionally volatile environment but I grew up strong. For the most part, this has served me well as an adult. However, I am now realizing my definition of strong firmly incorporates the idea that asking for and accepting help is a patent sign of weakness. Combine this ingrained defense mechanism with an overpowering need to prevent this disease from consuming my independence and you have the perfect irrational inability to ask for and/or receive help.
Intellectually, I understand the problem I just do not have all the answers yet, but I am working on it!
Revelation #2
is not an all together new one, but it always bears further investigation.
There is a gigantic emotional support void between disease diagnosis and the end stages of life. There is some support at the onset and counseling available in the end but nothing for the in between. I am left out here on my own, twisting in the wind, desperately trying to make sense of this life while maintaining some meaningful purpose. The doctors are only interested in keeping me alive longer; I am only interested in being fully alive now and emotionally prepared for the end.
I know, as do most terminal patients, the gruesome details of how this will end but what I want right now and crave more than anything is some good old fashion “Slap my ass, it ain’t over yet, honey” information on how to capitalize on my existing strengths and to live fully, in the now. Not another lame relax, conserve your energy, avoid stress lecture. (Sorry, I got a little militant here. I am working on that, too)
Revelation #3
and the big finish!
I do not honor this incurable disease. I will not give it any more power over my life by extending how long it lasts.
I do want to live the rest of my life fully present with extreme purpose. I want tons of love and laughter (and no pity) regardless of the physical circumstances and/or consequences. I am stealing a quote from the movie Steel Magnolias, that says it best, “I’d rather have 10 minutes of wonderful than a whole life time of nothing special.”
You may have realized by now that I am really good at indentifying problems but not so great at immediately identifying a solution. Again, I am working on it!
I have had a wonderfully simple and incredibly enjoyable DIY (do it yourself) life. I grew up in an extremely harsh and emotionally volatile environment but I grew up strong. For the most part, this has served me well as an adult. However, I am now realizing my definition of strong firmly incorporates the idea that asking for and accepting help is a patent sign of weakness. Combine this ingrained defense mechanism with an overpowering need to prevent this disease from consuming my independence and you have the perfect irrational inability to ask for and/or receive help.
Intellectually, I understand the problem I just do not have all the answers yet, but I am working on it!
Revelation #2
is not an all together new one, but it always bears further investigation.
There is a gigantic emotional support void between disease diagnosis and the end stages of life. There is some support at the onset and counseling available in the end but nothing for the in between. I am left out here on my own, twisting in the wind, desperately trying to make sense of this life while maintaining some meaningful purpose. The doctors are only interested in keeping me alive longer; I am only interested in being fully alive now and emotionally prepared for the end.
I know, as do most terminal patients, the gruesome details of how this will end but what I want right now and crave more than anything is some good old fashion “Slap my ass, it ain’t over yet, honey” information on how to capitalize on my existing strengths and to live fully, in the now. Not another lame relax, conserve your energy, avoid stress lecture. (Sorry, I got a little militant here. I am working on that, too)
Revelation #3
and the big finish!
I do not honor this incurable disease. I will not give it any more power over my life by extending how long it lasts.
I do want to live the rest of my life fully present with extreme purpose. I want tons of love and laughter (and no pity) regardless of the physical circumstances and/or consequences. I am stealing a quote from the movie Steel Magnolias, that says it best, “I’d rather have 10 minutes of wonderful than a whole life time of nothing special.”
You may have realized by now that I am really good at indentifying problems but not so great at immediately identifying a solution. Again, I am working on it!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Listen but Do Not Hear
They listen but do not hear.
Opinions ignored
Agreements broken
Secrets kept
Hurt disguised as a good intention still hurts
I take responsibility for allowing myself to be hurt.
I have learned a hard lesson.
Next time,
I will listen and I will hear.
Opinions ignored
Agreements broken
Secrets kept
Hurt disguised as a good intention still hurts
I take responsibility for allowing myself to be hurt.
I have learned a hard lesson.
Next time,
I will listen and I will hear.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Tell Your Heart
“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.” ~ Paulo Coelho
I could not say that any better, so I won't even try. However, Me and my heart will continue searching for my dream!
I could not say that any better, so I won't even try. However, Me and my heart will continue searching for my dream!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Nap
Wow...I was just VICIOUSLY attacked by a nap. Sneaky little dickens came out of nowhere and took me down before I could yell for help!
Whew! I made it through!
Whew! I made it through!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Filling the Well
to restore my heart…
A day with my three wonderful grandsons! They have so much energy it seeps out of them and gets into and on everything, they get close to. All I have to do is be near them to absorb some of that magnificent energy!
A perfect lunch full of the most delicious and incredibly decadent foods, celebrating our 82 year old (and still very handsome) Dad’s birthday with and my incredibly supportive sisters.
An evening in the company of the most creative women I have ever known, as we attended our dear friend’s first public poetry reading. She was magnificent!
My well is full!
A day with my three wonderful grandsons! They have so much energy it seeps out of them and gets into and on everything, they get close to. All I have to do is be near them to absorb some of that magnificent energy!
A perfect lunch full of the most delicious and incredibly decadent foods, celebrating our 82 year old (and still very handsome) Dad’s birthday with and my incredibly supportive sisters.
An evening in the company of the most creative women I have ever known, as we attended our dear friend’s first public poetry reading. She was magnificent!
My well is full!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Making Significant Progress
“When you encounter much difficulty and resistance, it is because you're in the process of making significant progress.”
Wise words tweeted at me this week.
I think I like the idea that all the crap I have had to deal recently is the universe giving me the heads up and saying, “Get ready girl-really good stuff is on the way”!
Wise words tweeted at me this week.
I think I like the idea that all the crap I have had to deal recently is the universe giving me the heads up and saying, “Get ready girl-really good stuff is on the way”!
Monday, January 24, 2011
I Do Not Know What That Is
Desperately searching for all the things I want to accomplish, while I still can, I have learned that I have no idea what I am doing. There never have been any long-term directions or distinguishing themes to my life. I always managed to rise to the typical expectations, but nothing more.
I am feeling desperate to achieve that marvelous life that will fulfill me.
I am feeling more overwhelmed and worthless than I have ever been.
How do I be everything I want to be, even when I do not know what that is?
I am feeling desperate to achieve that marvelous life that will fulfill me.
I am feeling more overwhelmed and worthless than I have ever been.
How do I be everything I want to be, even when I do not know what that is?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Powerful New Ways to be Strong
In the New Year 2011, I planned a big renaissance for my life, my art and career…
I got pneumonia. Obviously, reinventing my life has not gotten off to a great start.
I freely admit that I do not know how to (nor did I really want to) experience life from a less than perfect point of view. So this past year while experiencing rather magnificent health for someone with heart failure, I reformulated what I was capable of and for all intensive purposes, it did not include limitations.
Limitations have made an ugly and abrupt arrival.
My lesson is to become honestly aware of my physical weaknesses and limitations.
In so doing so I will find powerful new ways to be strong.
I got pneumonia. Obviously, reinventing my life has not gotten off to a great start.
I freely admit that I do not know how to (nor did I really want to) experience life from a less than perfect point of view. So this past year while experiencing rather magnificent health for someone with heart failure, I reformulated what I was capable of and for all intensive purposes, it did not include limitations.
Limitations have made an ugly and abrupt arrival.
My lesson is to become honestly aware of my physical weaknesses and limitations.
In so doing so I will find powerful new ways to be strong.
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