Why?

I am very sad today, uncertain why today, although I think it has been coming on for some time. Perhaps the approaching appointment with the heart failure clinic is forcing me to acknowledge that I do not get to get better this time. I want desperately not to be sick. There is no real pain, so I think it easy to fool myself most of the time. An occasional tightness in my chest and some light-headedness are the only real symptoms. There are bouts of horrible forgetfulness followed by periods of emotional desperation that hurt more than the actual physical pain. Today I am so physically tired and asking myself why. I went on line looking for more information about how long this will last, and what I can do to make it stop. I found information about all the wonderful drugs (all the ones I take) that will prolong life. Today I am asking why I want to prolong the way I feel, tired, unproductive and useless. Why?