life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I am very sad today, uncertain why today, although I think it has been coming on for some time. Perhaps the approaching appointment with the heart failure clinic is forcing me to acknowledge that I do not get to get better this time. I want desperately not to be sick. There is no real pain, so I think it easy to fool myself most of the time. An occasional tightness in my chest and some light-headedness are the only real symptoms. There are bouts of horrible forgetfulness followed by periods of emotional desperation that hurt more than the actual physical pain. Today I am so physically tired and asking myself why. I went on line looking for more information about how long this will last, and what I can do to make it stop. I found information about all the wonderful drugs (all the ones I take) that will prolong life. Today I am asking why I want to prolong the way I feel, tired, unproductive and useless. Why?

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