life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Why?

I am very sad today, uncertain why today, although I think it has been coming on for some time. Perhaps the approaching appointment with the heart failure clinic is forcing me to acknowledge that I do not get to get better this time. I want desperately not to be sick. There is no real pain, so I think it easy to fool myself most of the time. An occasional tightness in my chest and some light-headedness are the only real symptoms. There are bouts of horrible forgetfulness followed by periods of emotional desperation that hurt more than the actual physical pain. Today I am so physically tired and asking myself why. I went on line looking for more information about how long this will last, and what I can do to make it stop. I found information about all the wonderful drugs (all the ones I take) that will prolong life. Today I am asking why I want to prolong the way I feel, tired, unproductive and useless. Why?

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