I could not explain this better, so I will not even try!
“When sudden death erupts into your life, your whole way of
understanding the world is rocked. Previous interests – even things you loved –
can seem futile.
For many people, year two is worse than the first: your
systems begin to come back online, your gaze is just slightly lifted from your
feet. You’re aware enough to know you aren’t where you want to be, and still
broken-hearted enough to not be able to do anything about it.
That you want something different for yourself, even as you
have no energy to find it – that is the beautiful place. That’s the place to
lean on.
If there is any glimmer of interest, any spark of light or
fascination, lean into it. Want that for yourself. Take notice of what draws
you, right now, and follow it. One tiny little glimmer at a time.
And sometimes, there are no sparks. The world is empty and
full of things that make you cry. You want it to be different. It isn’t
different.
You can’t fake interest. At the same time, you don’t want to
be this way. Being angry at your own broken-heart is such a tricky thing. It
turns into this giant, escalating storm: tears. Then angry at tears. Then angry
at yourself for being angry. And on and on it goes.
What this is is a broken heart inside a deeply changed
human, still alive in a world that doesn’t make any sense.
The path here is to honor that, somehow. To allow it, to let
it be okay that everything sucks and there is no point.
It isn’t easy. None of this is easy.
And you are here, still, now.
You deserve a life that is honest and true, even – or
especially – when what is true is pain. When what is true is the blank space:
the places that haven’t filled in.
The road here, the ‘what do to’ here, is to want love for
yourself, even when you have no idea what that looks like.
I don’t know if it’s possible or if it will help.
But heave yourself in that direction. Turn yourself back
toward love. Moment by brokenhearted, weepy, disinterested moment. As often as
you can. Let love carry you.
How about you - How has your interest in life changed? Are there any glimmers of interest anywhere? If so, how do you follow them?” ~ Megan Devine
