All I need to do....

Yesterday was a “come Jesus moment”…I have known, lived and been party to the fact that heart failure is terminal, I even had what amounted to a back room confession from a PA some time ago that my prognosis was about 6 years.  Although I wanted to know how long, when I got it, it was like waving a red flag in front of a bull, I am going to beat this!  Yesterday, 2 months short of my 6 years, and after a year of absolute hellish surgeries and long miserable recoveries, they suspect something is going bad...again.... and have scheduled ugly tests.  It was like I was socked in the gut….hard… Now all I need to figure out why “I HAVE to” keep doing this. 

"Connected"  Eric Bibb

Just a side note….Religion, Church and/or Jesus have nothing to do with this, there is no magic… but my connections to the universe, connections to life, love, friends, family, creativity and the mysteries of life and death do. Those are my connections, those are my reasons, there is my why! 

Being an artist means....

I took a lesson from Neil Gaiman….

“And when things get tough, this is what you should do.

Make good art...

I'm serious. Husband runs off with a politician? Make good art.

Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor? Make good art.

IRS on your trail? Make good art.

Cat exploded in the microwave? Make good art.

Somebody online thinks what you do is stupid or evil or it's all been done before? Make good art.

Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn't matter. Do what only you do best. Make good art......Make it on the good days too.”

So...Did it make things any better...no…

but I lived through it, and I will keep living through it, until I don’t.  

"Heal Yourself"   Ruthie Foster

Pushing....(healing in the studio)

Sketching….kind of...but the point is I would like to do some sculpture that hangs on the wall….and not base relief. I want life in 3-D. So canvas with an extra bar on the back will hold a small shelf that I can mount the work on….New tools...new-ish medium...the wire and aluminum foil armature and the clay goes on. Pushing past my comfort zone...into the new or back to who I used to be.

"When Angels Cry"  Janis Ian
She is still on her temporary mount but I think I am pleased with her finish.  Time for me to quit before I screw it up!

Head vs. Heart

My heart is broken, but it is still strong and healing. It is my head that I need to worry about. My head is where I have stashed all of the memories that still hurt me, they are the ones that cut through me like a razor blade.
My head keeps me awake all night, makes me cry and destroys me over and over and over again.  I just need to convince my head to let go, because my heart already knows how to heal.

"We Don't Care"  Eric Bibb

How this story ends!

Rumbling with the truth is wearing my ass out!  “Yes, this is what happened, this is my truth & I will choose how this story ends."  But there are others that do not like my story.  There are others that have control over how and what the rest of my life looks like and we are not on the same page in this story, in fact we are not even in the same book.  They don't know!!!

"They Know"  Eric Bibb

or....maybe it is just the heat....

Inner strength is one thing, and it is a great thing, but there is another necessary part that really is best when mixed with it….and that is the physical strength and ability to do what I want/need to do!  I know most think I do a lot, but no one really sees how much I sit in front of this computer or read or sit day dreaming about art projects. Exhaustion is like a heavy black cape that just covers me after the smallest activity.  Simple everyday life and house chores, which granted, I never enjoyed doing now take so much longer and exhaust me I mean, really really wear me out.  I am frustrated that I am working so hard to find and hold on to my emotional inner strength while my physical strength is seems to continue slipping away from me. I am afraid this is how this disease works…and I HATE it!  DAMN! ( or.... maybe it just the summer heat!)                

  

"More o' that"  Eric Bibb

Thank you!

 Champagne Toast & Confetti

There are times that all of this is really all worth it!  But the secret is you have to make it happen for yourself!  If I had one thing I could pass down through the ages that would be it!  I do not mean for this to sound selfish or self-centered, if anything it is exactly the opposite.  Selfish is expecting others to get for you, do for you and pay attention to you….all of the time.   Doing for yourself means not needing anyone or anything. It is a concept I try to live by, but difficult to explain to others. I know I don’t do it very well. 

I do not want to expect anything from anyone. I have such problems asking for help.  I know that I am often thought of as a control freak, but there are times it is hard to explain what I need, and needing help feels like I am conceding and giving into this disease.  I do not want to need, but am learning the hard way that perhaps I do, it is difficult!

So even though I cannot ask, and sometimes appear frustrated when others step in to pick up my slack, I appreciate more than words can say the ones around me that step in and help me.  Thank you all!  You allow me to keep going, keep creating and most of all to keep celebrating my life and creativity.

"Thank You"  Alanis Morissette

When I expose myself....

Always an honor and so exciting to celebrate creativity of the awesome Artist’s Way creatives that have been on a 12 week journey of exploration and recovery.  The last minute preparations for Saturday’s opening are well under way.  In years past I grieved about the “production”, you know, hanging the art works, is there going to be enough food and wine, can I find enough linens without wine or paint stains on them, will it rain, etc…etc….  The past couple of groups I have found myself on my own creative journey and recovery right along with them.  Not so much the facilitator as just part of the group and a recovering creative.….putting my new hopes, dreams, explorations out into the world for the first time.  All of the sudden the worries about the “production” is fading, but the nerves that erupt when I expose myself through the art work are rampant!

"What She's Doing Tonight"  Boyce & Hart

By George I think she’s got it!

All is well in “sparky” land!  This is what is implanted in my chest….More like a “hockey puck” in my left boob!  But it is working!  Yesterday’s S-ICD data download went very well!  No “events” ….Pulse generator at 94% and NO adjustments!  My device is working just like it is supposed to!  Does not get any better than that as far as I am concerned!  Me and my  S-ICD are part of a clinical trial so all of this gets sent to some unknown muckity-mucks as well as my round house of docs and clinicians.  I will get the official report next week when all of “team” has a chance to look  over all of the downloaded info and decide……what’s next.  This has become a fairly routine (every 9 to 12 weeks) but the first time since this thing was implanted 7 months ago that there has not been some kind of glitch or problem…technical or medical….Woo-Hoo …By George I think she’s got it!

"Faith of the Heart" Rod Stewart

In that moment....

Comparing movies with a friend and “The Bridges of Madison County” was mentioned.  I had not seen it, I remember all of the talk about it sometime ago, but I never saw it, not even on VHS or DVD.  How did that happen?  I looked up the year it came out….oh…. 1995.  That explains it,  two teenage boys, running my own business, a barely there husband,   testosterone was literally dripping off  the walls.  I would not dare to bring a romance movie into the house.  There was such an incident after I brought in “Steel Magnolias” Then there was an out and out mutiny when I brought home “The Princess Bride”.  I had to swear within an inch of my life that there were fights and swords, kings and trolls.  I was exonerated.  But I knew better than to even attempt another romance movie and for years I didn’t.

So with the boys long gone, the living room empty and I am in absolute total control of the remote, I searched Amazon and rented it for the evening, then curled up in my chair with a glass of Reisling and watched. OMG….I recognized so much in the story, in the main character Francesca, her life, her frustrations, her sacrifices and most of all, her heart!  I kept having to stop and replay some of the magnificent dialog.  Some of the passages burned me like a hot poker others my heart recognized immediately …. I cried like a baby at the end and then...... watched the movie all over again!

“And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before.”

Robert James Waller, The Bridges of Madison County

"Backbird"  The Beatles

There won’t be any gifts or parties, but I will be celebrating!

This Saturday will be my 1 year anniversary.  Most likely, I am the only one that will even remember.   1 year ago I underwent some pretty risky open heart surgery to re-vascularize “hibernating” cardiac tissue.  It was one of the hardest thing I have ever done, It was an incredible disappointing failure of the procedure (the hibernating tissue did not “wake up” and My EF is still dances in the 25% range) I suffered from a post op TIA and kidney failure and even more surgery as soon as this healed.   It was a rough couple of weeks months, year!   But I am still here, still living, still creating, still teaching, still laughing, still loving  and I bought myself and my heart a gift to celebrate.  I commissioned the most magnificent jewelry artist to create this for me and it was delivered today.  Made of 3 different metals that represent my mind, body and spirit, the 4 big pieces of my life, my family and the rest is pretty evident and tells my story better than a thousand words.  I am proud…I survived…I am moving forward!

"How Can You Mend an Open Heart"  Al Green & Joss Stone

Define Nothing....

Oh if I only could!  It seems like I am always looking for ways to let go of “what it should be” to jettison all of those “prior rules”.  The same prior rules that have brought me great comfort have managed to also leave me with an enduring pain and regret.  I like Bob Dylan’s idea, from now on I am defining nothing….

"Waiting for My New Life to Begin"  Colin Hay

If that ends...

Every, every, every time I go into the studio, every time before an opening, every time before beginning a new class, every time I show my own work to anyone for the first time. I am petrified!

When I confess this to others they are surprised, they seem to think I am full of confidence, when the reality is, I am scared to death they are going to figure out that I have no idea what I am doing. I am a giant fraud with a smidgen of talent, or at least enough to fool most people.  Yes there are some things I do rather well, because I have done them over and over and over again, but most parts of my life and art…. I am just sliding in by the seat of my pants. What I do think I know is, the only way to real accomplishment as a person or an artist is to constantly and continually pass through that fear, panic and trepidation. If the fear ends so does my creativity.

"Me"  Paula Cole

That explains the wine stains.....

Mornings after always come with their very own set of “issues”!  

Last night’s Wine Pairings Dinner was such great fun!  But I have to tell you  how nerve racking it is when “I” am on the auction block (for the art center fund raising) as an evening of painting with the artist (wine and paint included)….it could have been horribly embarrassing!  What if nobody bid on me…a big fat ZERO .....Holy Crap!

I am happy to report that the bidding opened at 100.00 and finally closed at 350.00….whew!  That may explain the wine stains!


"All Right Now"  Free

Itty-bitty abstracts

I recently and seriously began fooling around with abstracts and although I am loving the freedom of them, as you can see I am still struggling with the structure.  I seem to really need structure.  It is hard to see in the images, but all of those straight lines are not paint but “built” small pieces of balsa wood and dowels. Adding some real dimension and tension to the unstructured texture it is sitting on.  More ideas seem to be blooming in my head regularly and I am so excited to be creating, sewing, painting and soon to be sculpting again. I did not understand how easy it was to have my attention (SQUIRRELL!!!)  and limited energy led into uncreative destructive areas of my life.  It will not happen again I cannot allow myself to need anything but the work that keeps me alive.  This….this is who and what I am and I am coming back to life!                 "Upwards Always" 16 x 16            "Releasing  Dark" 16 x 16

"Back to Life"  EnVogue

How does he continue to get away with it?

I would not put this on my FB page, Holy Crap, not after last week, I would be crucified!  BUT this is my blog, not as public as Face Book… my place to spew, dump and celebrate without fear of retribution. Many have groused that it is technically difficult to make comments on the posts and I should look into what that problem is.  Nope…it is working just fine for me! 

I cannot imagine any image being more appropriate!  How does he continue to get away with it??? No tax returns, over 3000 lawsuits (and he shouts “lock her up”), he is a name calling bully (my children had their mouths washed out with soap for that).  This list can go on and on and on, but the mystery for me continues to be He disregards and disrespects anything that threatens his ability to win. “How does he get away with it?”

Has the “dumbing down” of America finally reached the place where this kind of behavior and activity has become acceptable?

"NO"  Meghan Trainor

Energy saving mode

I am not sure who, if anyone sees when I “fall down” but it always feels like everyone is watching.  At times I think they are even laughing, pointing fingers and saying “I told you so”.  My art demons, become heart failure demons, whispering in my head….”Who do you think you are?  Did you really think you were better than everyone else and were not going experience physical heart failure like the rest of us? You were told, and you just ignored it, now….look at you?” Physical pain and overwhelming lethargy invite such ugly thoughts into my life.  This is not a decline….this is just my energy saving mode….It is so hot, everything was just so heavy, I just did too much and now I am paying for it.

"Sitting on the Dock of the Bay"  Ottis Redding

How can I know when it is real....

Some days are just really hard!  The pain can be wicked but it is the fucking fear that pushes it over the edge.  Fear has its own horrible voice, and it does not matter how “real” it is when fear and pain wrap themselves in each other… they become overwhelming! They tell me I can’t, it is too much, you are not strong enough, I am l not going make it this time…but then my over analytical mind kicks in, saying this could be nothing and I am acting like a hysterical fool.  The terror, anxiety and panic of fear are making everything…and I mean everything seem worse! How can I know what is real and what is not?

"Undun"  The Guess Who

Umbrellas are up!

Whew! Installations are great fun but oh my, they are getting more and more exhausting! Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the lugging, lifting and hanging but one thing for sure, I could not do it at all without the help of terrific creative help and support. I am blessed to be surrounded by amazing creatives.
"Not much rain...but the UMBRELLAS are up! The 2016 Summer Artist's Way Group came together last night, with food, wine, a little 60's soul music, art and lots and lots of amazing creative self expression! Art and Umbrellas opened at the Casselberry Art House....this is just a small taste of the creative "wonderful-ness" there! The Celebration of Creativity is Aug 13 at 7:00 PM where those amazing hand painted umbrellas will be auctioned (silent) off....maybe it will be raining then!!!"

"Hold on, I'm Coming"  Sam & Dave

Never a Reason

I live in a world where most people believe it is safest to follow the herd.  I see them everywhere. They will never step outside the norm or think on their own or express original thoughts. Worst of all they seem to go out of their way to bring me "back into the fold". Don't they see.... I celebrate and want nothing more than to keep the crazies in my life.  They make me think…They remind me to celebrate life…They show me there is always a different and maybe better way of doing it. 

Because that is how everyone else does it or I have always done it is never a reason.

"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood

They'll keep doing it....

There are things you just know deep down are right and then promptly forget.  Or for some reason I think that for some people, like dear old friends, it will be different. 

In light of the current political climate, I have deleted FB posts that were rude, ugly, dumb and/or negative but this morning there were so many I was overwhelmed and posted some constitutional facts with respect and dignity even a little “School House Rock” humor, hoping to thwart some negativity or even inspire some critical thinking. That is not what I got back, a reply full of incorrect and irrelevant accusations that truly had no bearing on the conversation that was started.  I responded respectfully with relevant facts and received yet another post filled with even more extraneous and unsubstantiated claims.  Clearly my reaction regardless of what it is, only provokes.

              "Put a Little Love in Your Heart"  Jackie DeShannon

And just because it is another point of view and really funny....

I am Glorious with It!

Maybe it just is not necessary for anyone else to understand my wants, my loves, and my wishes.  Sometimes I feel like I am talking until I am blue in face, just trying to get them to understand why I am.  For now…all they need to know is that I am glorious with it and when no one is looking I will be dancing with the GrooGux king.

"Why I am"  Dave Matthews Band

Grey Street....my favorite!

And I have missed it....

for the first time in years....
I have missed it...

I am so hurt and angry at

my fucking body.

"Done is Better than Good" ~Elizabeth Gilbert

OK-OK…painting umbrellas may not be a good career move for me!  But maybe it will make some money at the umbrella auction. At the risk of trying hard not to get too complicated on a surface that is neither flat or stable…I may have gone a little too simple…it gave all of the negative monsters in my head an  easy opening and they ran in to make their appearances! 

Monster #1- REALLY????

Monster #2- A kid could have done that!

Monster #3-  You did something so simple and still there are mistakes!

Monster #4- And you are the teacher, leader?  

Monster #5 #6 #7 #8….oh believe me….they were running in!!

And then, out of self perservation I reach back to Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Big Magic” take in a deep breath and repeat after her “Done is better than good”…. just do it and it is done!

"What's New Pussy Cat/"  Tom Jones

Emotional life saver....

4 trash cans

32 feet of PVC pipe

80 pounds of Plaster of Paris

Cut, lifted, tugged and been up to my elbows in plaster of paris , making ugly things that make no sense….until my creative friends begin adding their umbrellas.  Then….oh boy….. then it will all be worth it! These will come alive with color, creativity and purpose!

Yesterday I pushed harder, stood longer and lifted much more that I should have, and although physically pooped I am emotionally more alive than I can explain.  And then I realized…it is the act of creating!  It does not matter what I am creating as long as it makes me think, is new, different and challenging that is what jump starts my heart….every time!

While smiling and chipping hardened chunks of plaster of paris off of me…… I knew all of this worrying about my “style” of art drifting into new areas of exploration and abstraction will not be  “art sales suicide”,  it will be my “emotional life saver”!

"There She Goes"  OrtoPilot

I am still waiting....

My todays often feel like reflections of the joy, the love, the energy that I used to have. There is so much still to learn about how this life, my love and this body works.  There are times I feel at odds with it, frustrated and angry when it refuses to cooperate with me. What happened to the life that I did not even have to think about these things?  There are days that  I do  wake up feeling magnificent, full of energy and ready to tackle my life but long before I am done, I find my body failing even though my head, my creativity, my excitement is still so strong and wanting. This level of exasperation is maddening. How do I find the elusive balance I need?  Does it even exist? Somewhere between not giving up and having a spectacular life there just has to be a sweet spot! What do I have to do to find it?  I want to be friends with my heart, my body….I am still waiting ...I am still waiting...How do I do this?

"Reflections"  Dianna Ross & The Supremes

When the hell did that happen?

Found out I could hide my heart surgery scar by simply tying the beach cover-up sarong in the front rather than the side.  A strategically placed knot was the secret cover!  But from another point of view….and take notes PLEASE….never ever ever take a selfie from the bottom looking  up!  Necks and noses take on a whole new level of “OMG” when the hell did that happen???? 

What I am is what I am....kind of weird when I think about it, Scars, noses and necks, is that really who I am?

  Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians

The Summer place

Each year I spend a week of peace, playing, resting and soul searching at our special summer place at Flagler Beach, One more summer come and gone. 

The beach and family are magnificent and painful at the same time.  I am learning that wanting the shape of the shore line, tides, and weather to be the same as years past is just as ridiculous as wanting me, family, children, and grands to be the same. It cannot.  I can however patiently stand back, observe, listen, love, admire and be more than wonderfully grateful for the opportunity to be a small part of the greatness they have created. These or any other days like it will never happen again, The only thing that stays the same is the love.  That is always the same and will always be.

"Theme from a Summer Place" Percy Faith

Something extra special....

In addition to just loving the hell out of being at the beach there is something extra special about the place we stay, other than the marvelous Peggy who runs the place! There is everything you could need within walking distance.  And I do not mean the typical beach town “touristy” crap.  Just very small Mom & Pop independently owned small shops and restaurants.  I have not noticed one chain store within a mile of us either way.  It is magnificent! The local 7-11-“ish” is not air conditioned, carries only the essentials that means 50% is dedicated to beer and wine, is less than ½ block away (no-gas) and is no bigger than an 8’ x 10’ bedroom. The owner and whoever is there hangs out just outside the door in beach chairs chatting about what was caught down at the pier yesterday or whatever else comes up as long as it is not politics!  Next door is “Beach Belly Bob’s” a breakfast/lunch kitchen, not enough room for tables and chairs inside, unless you want to sit in one of the 3 stools at the counter, otherwise  you sit outdoors under his tarp that he added this past year.  And yes...the only employee is indeed Beach Belly Bob himself, the name is appropriate. And then there is the “fancy” restaurant, that means there is a full bar and menus! You can sit inside in the AC…but my question is why the hell you would?  Everything tastes better outside on the beach with a beer!  The characters and the “flavors” here are spectacular!

"Good Vibrations"  The Beach Boys

Come Go with Me!

The photographs do not begin to show how magnificent last night’s moon rise was!  Cell phone camera just cannot get the job done!  Rats!....
But it was the closest thing to a “Joe vs the Volcano” moon I have ever seen and even required the official Joe vs the Volcano raft dance!  Everything about being on the beach reminds me of how really small and insignificant I am.  It also reminds me how incredible it is to have the opportunity to be a part of all of this and I am dancing!

"Come Go with Me"  The Dell Vikings

Atta' girl!

What a wonderful few moments of life!  To be on the beach walking in the early morning, watching the full moon set at the top of the stairs and then turn around and watch the sun rise at the same time.  I have never seen anything like it in my life and it truly was a unique and spectacular moment.  This time last year it was the week  before my open heart surgery….I was nervous, scared not sure what life was going to look like in the next few weeks.  Now, almost a year later….and here I am in the same place with my boys, their wives and all of the grands and the universe was telling me this morning…..Atta’ girl!

"Here Comes the Sun"  The Beatles

Perspective

One of the greatest things about Flagler beach is there are no big high rises, very few hotels/motels.  That means my early morning sunrise walks really are spectacular!  There are not many times in my life, being a city girl that I get to be outdoors in this big of a space without one other person in sight!  The feeling of being this alone in the gray early morning watching the sunrise is breathtaking and in so many ways puts my world and my life in perspective!

"Beautiful World"  Colin Hay

That is where I am headed!

Wish I understood exactly what happens to my body and my mind at the beach, all I can say for sure is that there is a definite shift, and it is all good.  Maybe it is the constancy of the tides, and the waves the come in and go out regardless of the weather or my overall disposition.  Maybe it is the healing power of saltwater or maybe it is just as simple as sweat and tears.  But it is all there at the beach…. and that is where I am headed!

"Summer Breeze"  Jason Maraz

Before it is too late....

I have waited all of my life for someone to tell me I was important enough.  I cannot wait anymore; I cannot.  What is the worst that can happen to me now if I speak up?

What will happen if I quit wearing the “masks” others want to see?  Not taking life so seriously !  How grateful I am to realize this and have the resources, before it is too late! Now I have to do something about it!


"King of Anything"  Sara Bareilles

Let's Get Started....

…..but I am going to start my shit-kicking by taking a week off!  NO…Really…I will be building up my strength before I begin.  Just like last year around this time when I was in the gym building up my physical strength, getting ready to take on the biggest physical fight of my life this year I will be building  my emotional strength to take on this next part of my life.

I will be surrounded by the contagious energy created by playing with my grandsons, and the calm focus created by constant sea breezes and ocean waves. 

It will be a week of releasing the grief and pain of things I cannot change, a week of clearly assessing my talents, weaknesses, strengths and looking at how to make the most meaningful life possible with what I have.  

Of course there will also be lots of crab legs and beer, late nights, cheap grocery store wine and bad jokes.  I can hardly wait! Let’s get started!   

"In My Mind"  Amanda Palmer

and now Nice....

You might say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one...



"Imagine"    Playing for Change

I am Exposed!

Excited because I am about to begin a weeks’ vacation at the beach, scared because for the first time my chest and open heart surgery scar will be exposed.  I have gone to great lengths kept it covered, although recently I have worn shirts that are a bit open at the neck line that have revealed a little bit of this scar.  But now….at the beach…it will be unavoidably visible to family, friends, and strangers.  Are they going to stare, see that I have been broken, and feel sorry for me?  I hate all of those feelings!

After tears and fears...I am going, I am playing with my 4 grandsons, swimming in the ocean, volleyball in the pool, kites from the dunes and wine coolers (everywhere) and it is going to show.  I have been and still am so vulnerable, but I cannot let it keep me from living!  I am exposed!

"You and Your Heart"  Jack Johnson

A new Rain Dance!

Yes…. I know it is hot, I know it is Florida….but Holy crap!!!  The heat index has been in triple digits more often and not and there has been no rain …not a drop of rain here! It usually rains every afternoon this time of year….And that seems to be the case everywhere but here!   It rains and storms 5 miles down the road….BUT not here!  Clearly time for a new front yard “rain dance”, the neighbors are beginning to complain about the old one!

"It Never Rains in California"  Albert Hammond                     (or Casselberry FL!)

It's Beginning to Feel a lot Like Creativity!

Twice a year I get to facilitate The Artist’s Way and watch the stunning artistic breakthroughs of the creatives that have been on a 12 week journey together.  There is nothing quite as tingly and exciting as watching the pieces and parts of the exhibit begin to come cohesively together.  The artists are furiously painting their umbrellas, the invitation cards were delivered today and it is really beginning to look like a creative celebration!

"Smile"  Uncle Kracker

Risk takers

There are those that are perfectly happy being safe, not taking any risks and following all of the rules.  I do not begrudge them any of their happiness.  But there will always be a bunch that just has to stretch outside of the norm and take risks.  Thank goodness they do….where would we all be without Edison, Einstein, Da Vinci, and the list goes on and on.  

Life does serve risk takers, giving us the courage to move on when it feels like all hope is gone then rewarding us with the spectacular results of incredible self-satisfaction and enduring courage to risk even more!  I was never able to find any happiness in being safe, I need to take risks!

                        "Don't You Worry 'bout a Thing"  Stevie Wonder

What I should have said...

I am one of those, that is capable of coming up with wonderful witty responses, unfortunately they come about 30 minutes after the fact.  And so it was after an interview last week.

Apparently, there is to be an article in a local magazine about local arts groups and we (The Artist’s Way Group) were considered one of those groups, hence the interview. I must say, albeit a bit late…. that we are very very different kind of art group!

Most art groups are focused on the making and selling art and there is nothing wrong with that….but 

“we are focused on making creative lives"   

Artists, musicians, performers and writers that are wholehearted, fully functioning, wildly creative and marvelously supportive of all of our creative intimates.Yes that might mean being financially successful, but if not, we are still artists and we will still create!  That is what I should have said!

"A Way With Your Words"  Imaginary Cities

Aware....

Sometimes I wonder if being aware is one of the huge secrets of life!  It is another one of those magic life lessons that no one ever talks about!  I thought being aware and paying attention were the same thing. I can remember as a child teachers scolding me. “You do not pay attention”, but that was in school and for the most part it was boring and for the geeky kids...I wanted to so badly to be cool!  I do not think anyone ever told me exactly what being AWARE was and that it was not just about paying attention to facts, figures, rules or situations although that can be a big part of it. Mindful, alert, conscious, awake….all of those words are how I experienced aware, never joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely!  Now I am coming to understand it can be so much more!  According to the dictionary aware is “knowing that something exists because you notice it or realize that it is happening”.  I want to notice joy, and happiness, and compassion, and wonderful color, and amazing people and the list goes on and on.  I was never taught how to be aware of the things in life I wanted to be aware of.   I am learning that choosing what I want to be aware of (NOT what others think I should be aware of) can change me …change my life! I want to be aware of the magic, the secrets, the incredible gifts and the mysteries of my life!

"Shine"  Jason Mraz

I choose to make some trouble....

Nora, you are my hero!  The only thing I have to figure out is how! 

When my body changes all I have to do is figure out other ways to make some trouble.  It cannot stop me, I just have to figure out another way!


"Evolve"  Ani DeFranco

Find me.....

Desperately looking for my wings today! 

Maybe it is time to hold still, slow down for a bit and let my beautiful and invincible strength have a chance to “find” me.

"Sunshine"  Johnathan Edwards

Fear Slips in....

Fear slips in!
I ignore it, I fight it, I discount it….I do everything I know how to do to keep it at bay.  I spend massive amounts of my own energy controlling it and hiding it.  Then just one day, a few scary episodes and the fucking fear floods in and takes over…..everything!

The idea of my most exciting dreams and my most gut wrenching fears existing in the same place somehow gives me a look at it from a little different perspective and please please please make it just a little more tolerable!  I can do this….I can do this….I can do this!

"We May never Pass this Way Again" Seals & Croft

Something real is here....

I always knew I was stronger than “the average bear”.  Perhaps being a red head, I had a built in reputation of fiery, opinionated and being strong willed to live up to. Or maybe I deliberately put myself in a situation that the only way I could survive was to use and hone those skills.

 Regardless of the circumstances and who or why they were created what developed was a woman with strength.  Although I often wasted that strength trying to please and control others, I did develop it!  Never in a million years did I imagine that I would have to direct the strength I had created at myself.  And yes maybe I am a bit crazy, it would not be the first time I had been accused of that, but I have this nagging feeling there is something inside of me that is important, that someone or a lot of someones are looking for. Something that is going to take an unimaginable amount of strength to realize. I have no idea what it is, but I have this feeling there is something real here that the world needs.

"This Feeling"  Alabama Shakes

Not allowing old expectations....

I am learning that all “calls” or experiences that fall into my lap are worth my attention.  I think it is the choices I make that define who I am.  I do not think all “calls” should be accepted and brought into my life, but they all should be explored and considered!

When I rely on my own or other people’s knowledge and experience I may be inadvertently rejecting spectacular life experiences.  There have been several times in my life I have moved outside the expected norm. (Keep in mind that my norm is already a little left of center already!)  Each time I welcomed an unexpected situation good or bad into my life and released my expectations I have grown! My lesson is not to allow my old expectations to keep me from any new experience that excites my spirit.

"The Skye Boat Song" Kathryn Jones_Raya Yarbrough

"Sing me a song of a lass that is gone   Say, could that lass be I?

Merry of soul she sailed on a day   Over the sea to Skye

Mull was astern, Rùm on the port, Eigg on the starboard bow

Glory of youth glowed in her soul Where is that glory now?

Give me again all that was there   Give me the sun that shone

Give me the eyes, give me the soul    Give me the lass that's gone

Sing me a song of a lass that is gone   Say, could that lass be I?

Merry of soul she sailed on a day  Over the sea to Skye

Billow and breeze, islands and seas    Mountains of rain and sun

All that was good, all that was fair   All that was me is gone."

Bear McCreary

"The way it stops and starts."

Is my heart physically broken because I refused to acknowledge that hunger?  In an effort to be good, righteous, well mannered, and respectable did I kill off the passions in my heart?  Did I do this to myself?  Can I undo it? Or….is this way it is supposed to be?  Are most people afraid to acknowledge it?

I have known about the biological function of my heart from school lessons but no one ever taught me anything about my amazing passionate heart. How it loves, how it celebrates, how it hurts and how it heals. I am beginning to feel that it is a good thing that I figure this out by myself, the full effects of all of its power and all of the marvelous intentions of my heart! What my heart wants, what it gets, what it longs for.  Maybe my heart is supposed to start and stop! 

"Good Intent"  Kimba

those parts of me can no longer exist......

I am not what I once was. I know that I need to release the past. The pain of my childhood prejudices, family complications, my marital dysfunction, and the thousands upon thousands of my own disappointments, failures and the little lies I tell myself. I have been looking to release events, people, and memories of my past. I am not saying that they do not need to be let go of, there is no doubt in my mind that hanging on to them would be horribly damaging…….but I need to let go of parts of me.  Embrace the idea that I have changed, I am not who I once was.

Who and what I am now is not what I used to be. For me to go on and face the life ahead of me, as the person I “was”, is a sure recipe for my own miserable demise.  I am not who I was in the past, I do not need to know how this turns out I just know I have to change. I have to let go of what I embodied in the past, those parts of me can no longer exist!

"So Beautiful or So What?"  Paul Simon

If you recognize yourself, take one step forward...

I have to confess that my “tea party” has been pretty safe, boring and by in large…..unoriginal.  It has been dotted here and there with some spectacular, new and inspiring experiences but for the most part….it has been a pretty boring!

I have spent far too much of my life worrying about what I think about myself through other people’s eyes….I know….I know….You have to think about that one for a while.  But time is running short and I am feeling like it is time to get “this” party started…So if you recognize yourself in the invitation, you are my kind of people!  Take one step forward and let’s go!

"Belly Belly Nice"  Dave Matthews