Yes, I know…I have been silent recently, just happened, no
particular plan. There have been “things”
going on with my heart that have required attention and sometimes that just
takes over my life. In the activities to
normalize my heart function it was necessary to have someone with me all of the
time and I am indeed grateful for my sisters and friends that are more than
willing to do that for me, but I have also realized that even in the company of
loved ones I am lonely….and lonely is not something that has ever really bothered
me, in fact alone in the studio is wonderful.
It has been a strange week as I try to figure out why. The Jung quote has kind of given me a start,
not the part of holding certain inadmissible views, as an artist that is kind
of part of the job. I think it is
communicating things that seem to be important.
As this disease becomes more a part of my life, it is difficult to talk
about, even the professionals that are spectacular at providing physical care
do not seem to have the time or ability to talk about the emotional side of
dying. For some reason, it feels like
most feel like we should just lay down quietly, that at some point the diagnosis
is an accepted fact. The FACT is that it
is a gross violent emotional swing between…. I cannot let this happen to me and
I am tired and I just want it to stop. Somewhere in-between those 2 opposing
feelings,
I need to comfort those that do come close to me. It is crazy confusing and no one seems to recognize
the frustration, or….maybe it is just me.
"Me" Paula Cole
