Brave enough to do the things I never thought I would have to...Damn it!

I had to increase my O2 through the night and it became intolerable to sleep with the noise and heat put out by “R2D2” …my name for the large O2 concentrator. I found on Amazon an O2 hose long enough that I could push that damn noisy O2 concentrator into Skip’s room with only the tubing in my room.  My mission was accomplished! Blissful, quiet, cool, sleep.  But on the second night of cool quiet sleep, I was rudely awoken in the middle of the night and quite frankly frightened by having the cannula jerked off of my face by an “unseen” force!  I have got to quit watching those ghost hunting shows!... It was not a ghost but Not My Cat in the hallway, wrestling with the O2 tubing on the floor like he had just discovered the best ever cat toy. A few Command Strip hooks later and some not so pretty but very effective engineering and I think the problem is solved!

Next week we will do handrails in the hall, a bit more bathroom modifications, and some adjustments in Skips room to accommodate a full-time care giver…if and when that becomes necessary.   The things that I have avoided for so long is now arriving…and although I hate it, it is not as bad as I thought it would be.

"Brave" Sarah Bareilles

Little by Little

It will soon be 1 year since I have been alone, and I still want to have all of these new changes feel right and normal, but many do not!  I am still “carving out a new life amid this weirdly devastated landscape” of widowhood, covid 19 and still working through advancing heart failure.  I am making so many mistakes!  New life still brings some of the crap of the old life. However, the overwhelming fear of the changes and reorganization of my hospice care has passed. I learned that I get to keep my primary nurse ED, who I adore and is a true advocate for me as a person rather than a set of diagnoses and symptoms and a new Doc that I met yesterday too, and I really like her…I am feeling very lucky about this!  So, if I could add anything to Megan’s quote it would be that “little by little pain and love and fear will find ways to coexist”.

"Nothing Stays the Same" Luke Singh

Learning, how to forgive me.

Learning, how to forgive me. The first thing is being honest with how I really feel.  Exposing myself, being vulnerable, and to quit being the “showman” pretending that I am much stronger than I really am.  It is not easy but if I want to really move forward, this journey of self-forgiveness has to begin.

"Shame on You" Indigo Girls

Our House is a very very fine house...

I found this picture with more cleaning.  When I tell people, this is the house that Skip and I built out of love and tears, good times and bad I also mean that we literally built it…well not the whole thing but the family room we built (everything but the trusses and roofing). It was such a struggle but we did it! We also built much of the furniture inside.  Then there is a good bunch of furniture that family heirlooms from booth my grandmother and his.  It is a little home where I am surrounded by memories and family, and it is all very good

….but I still miss him so very much and all we did together.


"Our House" Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

no obvious end in sight...

Another holiday without you, and the day before that horrific the day brings back happy memories and tears. I remember all of the 4^th of July days on the sailboat anchored in Lake Monroe, the water balloon fights followed later by the kids squealing as the fireworks literally burst over our heads.

As I move forward without you there are mixed emotions between being proud of myself for existing and going on living and then terrible guilt for simply going forward without you. I still do not know how to reconcile these 2 feelings and I wonder if this will ever go away.

The love, the guilt, the happy memories, the profound loss still, swirl around in my heart with

no obvious end in sight.


"Summer Song"  Chad & Jeremy