or...maybe it is just me.

 Yes, I know…I have been silent recently, just happened, no particular plan.  There have been “things” going on with my heart that have required attention and sometimes that just takes over my life.  In the activities to normalize my heart function it was necessary to have someone with me all of the time and I am indeed grateful for my sisters and friends that are more than willing to do that for me, but I have also realized that even in the company of loved ones I am lonely….and lonely is not something that has ever really bothered me, in fact alone in the studio is wonderful.  It has been a strange week as I try to figure out why.  The Jung quote has kind of given me a start, not the part of holding certain inadmissible views, as an artist that is kind of part of the job.  I think it is communicating things that seem to be important.  As this disease becomes more a part of my life, it is difficult to talk about, even the professionals that are spectacular at providing physical care do not seem to have the time or ability to talk about the emotional side of dying.  For some reason, it feels like most feel like we should just lay down quietly, that at some point the diagnosis is an accepted fact.  The FACT is that it is a gross violent emotional swing between…. I cannot let this happen to me and I am tired and I just want it to stop. Somewhere in-between those 2 opposing feelings,

I need to comfort those that do come close to me.  It is crazy confusing and no one seems to recognize the frustration, or….maybe it is just me.

"Me" Paula Cole