or...maybe it is just me.

 Yes, I know…I have been silent recently, just happened, no particular plan.  There have been “things” going on with my heart that have required attention and sometimes that just takes over my life.  In the activities to normalize my heart function it was necessary to have someone with me all of the time and I am indeed grateful for my sisters and friends that are more than willing to do that for me, but I have also realized that even in the company of loved ones I am lonely….and lonely is not something that has ever really bothered me, in fact alone in the studio is wonderful.  It has been a strange week as I try to figure out why.  The Jung quote has kind of given me a start, not the part of holding certain inadmissible views, as an artist that is kind of part of the job.  I think it is communicating things that seem to be important.  As this disease becomes more a part of my life, it is difficult to talk about, even the professionals that are spectacular at providing physical care do not seem to have the time or ability to talk about the emotional side of dying.  For some reason, it feels like most feel like we should just lay down quietly, that at some point the diagnosis is an accepted fact.  The FACT is that it is a gross violent emotional swing between…. I cannot let this happen to me and I am tired and I just want it to stop. Somewhere in-between those 2 opposing feelings,

I need to comfort those that do come close to me.  It is crazy confusing and no one seems to recognize the frustration, or….maybe it is just me.

"Me" Paula Cole

Yes, I had the time...

 
And there comes a time when I realized how much of my life, I spent doing this.  It was not how I saw it at the time, I saw it as sharing my gift, not begging for your attention, admiration, and love.  I rolled up all of my inadequacies in a bubble of good helpful intentions, which should be a good thing.  But in covering up my shortfalls, I ignored my own authenticity. And the bill is now coming due....Not to mention Blogger is updating and changing the rules....AUGGHH!

You had time...

Annie DeFranco

Cannot explain it better!

I could not explain this better, so I will not even try!  

“When sudden death erupts into your life, your whole way of understanding the world is rocked. Previous interests – even things you loved – can seem futile.

For many people, year two is worse than the first: your systems begin to come back online, your gaze is just slightly lifted from your feet. You’re aware enough to know you aren’t where you want to be, and still broken-hearted enough to not be able to do anything about it.

That you want something different for yourself, even as you have no energy to find it – that is the beautiful place. That’s the place to lean on.

If there is any glimmer of interest, any spark of light or fascination, lean into it. Want that for yourself. Take notice of what draws you, right now, and follow it. One tiny little glimmer at a time.

And sometimes, there are no sparks. The world is empty and full of things that make you cry. You want it to be different. It isn’t different.

You can’t fake interest. At the same time, you don’t want to be this way. Being angry at your own broken-heart is such a tricky thing. It turns into this giant, escalating storm: tears. Then angry at tears. Then angry at yourself for being angry. And on and on it goes.

What this is is a broken heart inside a deeply changed human, still alive in a world that doesn’t make any sense.

The path here is to honor that, somehow. To allow it, to let it be okay that everything sucks and there is no point.

It isn’t easy. None of this is easy.

And you are here, still, now.

You deserve a life that is honest and true, even – or especially – when what is true is pain. When what is true is the blank space: the places that haven’t filled in.

The road here, the ‘what do to’ here, is to want love for yourself, even when you have no idea what that looks like.

I don’t know if it’s possible or if it will help.

But heave yourself in that direction. Turn yourself back toward love. Moment by brokenhearted, weepy, disinterested moment. As often as you can. Let love carry you.

How about you - How has your interest in life changed? Are there any glimmers of interest anywhere? If so, how do you follow them?” ~ Megan Devine

"Coming Around Again" Carly Simon

Carry on....

Many have heard me say so many positive things about hospice care, but it occurred to me that I have never really written about it.  I think I figured the longer most people did not know the details, the better off I would be….will not be the first time I have made a ridiculous assumption and fair warning…I am sure it will not be the last. But here is one of my new most favorite “ah-ha” discoveries.  As people you can divide us by gender, race, religion, hair color and this list can go on forever, but the reality is there are only 2 kinds of people…Alive ones and dead ones, and for the record, I am in the alive category and quite like it! The choice is not if we carry on, but how we chose to carry on.

Most of the time a friend or acquaintance will hear the word hospice, gasp, and assume I have one foot in the grave and death.  That’s a fair assumption.  In the beginning, is was what hospice was.  Allowing people to die and home with dignity, no tubes, no drama.  And they do still do that.

However, “palliative” care has been overlooked and the state of Florida discourages doctors from practicing palliative care except under the umbrella of hospice. Actually, I suspect this is more about the doctor’s liability and lawsuits for the insurance companies.  Palliative care does not try to cure what we all know is uncurable but helps us manage the symptoms and our other resources.

Palliative care is awesome.  The regular cardiologists were going to kill me and my savings account even with insurance with all of their chronic and quite frankly horribly invasive testing! Hospice care sends a nurse to me once a week (no more camping out in doctor’s waiting rooms and exam rooms for hours, my meds are mailed to me) they manage my symptoms ensuring that I have the best, most productive, painless life possible for me. 

There is no doubt in my mind that I would be unable to do one half of what I can do today without their help, guidance, and the constant changing and addition of symptom controlling meds.  But if I can leave one bit of wisdom with you, it would be… do not wait for the typical rule, which is waiting  for your doc to tell you there is only months or weeks to live before.  Hospice and palliative care can give you so so much more and I was so incredibly fortunate to meet with this man and spend a couple of hours with him before making any of my big decisions, I have never regretted it!

"Carry on" Croby, Stills, Nash, and Young

Who is in charge here?

This pretty much sums it up… ”The who is in charge here” dilemma is officially solved!  I woke up this morning with paws in my lower back and squished into one-quarter of the available width of a queen-sized bed and flipped back the covers.  “Not My Cat” has officially staked out his section of the bed.  We have had this “discussion” on several different occasions as I politely move him to the end or the other side of the bed.  He typically grouses but curls up and falls back to sleep.  This seems to be a new tactic.  Wait until I am good and asleep and then claim the territory unnoticeably inch by inch throughout the night. Cleary I am losing the battle.

                    "I'm a Loser"  The Beatles

Spoiler Alert....

This is going to be a long one, so sit back and get comfortable.  My dearest friend, Terry and I were talking, and although I was aware of the fact that I had just gotten another boost in the pain killers, I seemed to be a bit freer and gigglier than normal about talking about what my body was and was not doing as my organs begin to shut down.  The biggest and most hilarious part of the conversation had to deal with my intestinal track not operating correctly and the effect of egg salad has on that process, I will let you figure out the rest.  But the point I was making was this was not part of the fucking (excuse me) Heart failure comic book hand out (really, they are written like a comic book) they gave me one every single time I checked out of the hospital and I have many copies of the damn thing, believe me I know it by heart (no pun intended).  It has been a while since I have written in my blog, and Terry asked, “Why don’t you write about this?”  My answer was, I don’t know….who wants to read about egg salad farts?

Ya just got know you are headed for shit
when a black crow lands on your head.

It occurred to me that the one thing I have craved for the past few years was a tribe.  Not an artist or friend’s tribe although I loved them dearly because we share so many intimate and personal things, I need an "I am dying" tribe.  People that know the life, the love, and the fear of dying.  Now let me make myself clear, I am not looking for a “support” group, been to a few and they were full of whiners, whose main topic of conversation always centered around who had the biggest scar, the longest medicine list, the worst and the best cardiologist.  It was like a heart failure pecker contest!  Oh, there were a few knights in shining armor that were convinced they would fight this with diet, exercise, herbs, meditation etc. but they were only interested in showing all of us how much time and effort they were putting into not dying. Where are the people who accept what is happening to them?  The ones who are trying to live their best lives NOW, because that is what we have.  I want to be a part of the tribe that is not afraid to share the good, the bad, the philosophical, and the funny things that are happening to me on this journey.  In the beginning, I spent so much time and energy trying to convince everyone how “well” I was, regardless of how much energy it took.  When I could not do that anymore, I was ashamed. Certain that I brought this on myself and did not deserve any help or sympathy to combat the “monster” of my own creation I began stepping away from my own life.  Now it seems like it is time to tell the truth, the good the bad and the ugly, including the hysterically funny.  And please believe me there are some really funny things!  This will not be easy for me to write or you to read, but maybe, just maybe somewhere in my words, you might find a morsel of truth or comfort.  But then when this is all done and over with I promise you I will only be able to tell you the 2 things I know for sure...and I already know what they are now.

 

SPOILER ALERT:  #1 Nothing stays the same, EVERYTHING changes and 

#2 Everything dies.

"Iris"  The Goo Goo Dolls

Woodstock

I know it has been a while.....been a really rough couple of weeks, but I still needed to pay homage to my generation
and then marvel how much things change...they do still stay the same.

Then I was reminded by FB friend  

"We are stardust
We are golden
And we've got to get ourselves
Back to the garden"

"Woodstock"  Crosby Stills Nash and Young 

His death anniversary came and went......

His death anniversary came and went.  It was hard, but made a little easier with some medications.  It was a day of overwhelming grief and a day of equal and opposite memories and joy.  Most of the day spent alone in our space and part of the day spent with family.  It seemed only right and part of closing the circle the other people that were thrown into that horrible day (Darren & Jill) had a chance to spend some of that day together again.  The most profound thing that happened was the young man at work that Skip had developed more than a coworker relationship but a true mutual admiration, the young man that was with Skip as he died.  I have always been so grateful that Skip was not alone but with someone he knew and cared deeply about. This young man called yesterday to check on me, which was so sweet and kind, he confessed that he had a difficult time of dealing with the fact that he thought he should have been able to do something.  I had totally forgotten what a trauma that must have been for him, too.  I am so glad he could share that grief and healing that I had no idea had such an impact on him with me.  I did help continue the healing. And then….this beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived from my sisters.  It is a new day and a new year.

Auld Lang Syne.....

Brave enough to do the things I never thought I would have to...Damn it!

I had to increase my O2 through the night and it became intolerable to sleep with the noise and heat put out by “R2D2” …my name for the large O2 concentrator. I found on Amazon an O2 hose long enough that I could push that damn noisy O2 concentrator into Skip’s room with only the tubing in my room.  My mission was accomplished! Blissful, quiet, cool, sleep.  But on the second night of cool quiet sleep, I was rudely awoken in the middle of the night and quite frankly frightened by having the cannula jerked off of my face by an “unseen” force!  I have got to quit watching those ghost hunting shows!... It was not a ghost but Not My Cat in the hallway, wrestling with the O2 tubing on the floor like he had just discovered the best ever cat toy. A few Command Strip hooks later and some not so pretty but very effective engineering and I think the problem is solved!

Next week we will do handrails in the hall, a bit more bathroom modifications, and some adjustments in Skips room to accommodate a full-time care giver…if and when that becomes necessary.   The things that I have avoided for so long is now arriving…and although I hate it, it is not as bad as I thought it would be.

"Brave" Sarah Bareilles

Little by Little

It will soon be 1 year since I have been alone, and I still want to have all of these new changes feel right and normal, but many do not!  I am still “carving out a new life amid this weirdly devastated landscape” of widowhood, covid 19 and still working through advancing heart failure.  I am making so many mistakes!  New life still brings some of the crap of the old life. However, the overwhelming fear of the changes and reorganization of my hospice care has passed. I learned that I get to keep my primary nurse ED, who I adore and is a true advocate for me as a person rather than a set of diagnoses and symptoms and a new Doc that I met yesterday too, and I really like her…I am feeling very lucky about this!  So, if I could add anything to Megan’s quote it would be that “little by little pain and love and fear will find ways to coexist”.

"Nothing Stays the Same" Luke Singh

Learning, how to forgive me.

Learning, how to forgive me. The first thing is being honest with how I really feel.  Exposing myself, being vulnerable, and to quit being the “showman” pretending that I am much stronger than I really am.  It is not easy but if I want to really move forward, this journey of self-forgiveness has to begin.

"Shame on You" Indigo Girls

Our House is a very very fine house...

I found this picture with more cleaning.  When I tell people, this is the house that Skip and I built out of love and tears, good times and bad I also mean that we literally built it…well not the whole thing but the family room we built (everything but the trusses and roofing). It was such a struggle but we did it! We also built much of the furniture inside.  Then there is a good bunch of furniture that family heirlooms from booth my grandmother and his.  It is a little home where I am surrounded by memories and family, and it is all very good

….but I still miss him so very much and all we did together.


"Our House" Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

no obvious end in sight...

Another holiday without you, and the day before that horrific the day brings back happy memories and tears. I remember all of the 4^th of July days on the sailboat anchored in Lake Monroe, the water balloon fights followed later by the kids squealing as the fireworks literally burst over our heads.

As I move forward without you there are mixed emotions between being proud of myself for existing and going on living and then terrible guilt for simply going forward without you. I still do not know how to reconcile these 2 feelings and I wonder if this will ever go away.

The love, the guilt, the happy memories, the profound loss still, swirl around in my heart with

no obvious end in sight.


"Summer Song"  Chad & Jeremy

The Magic Place

Not fighting to stay, not sure it is time to move on yet either, I am still learning the lessons on how to trust myself.  This moment, right here right now in the little house where I have loved and cried, laughed and hurt, brought babies home from the hospital, and mourned the loss of the love of my life.  It is my magic place, where the past, present, and maybe even the future exist in the same place.  For now…this is right where I belong.

"Heal Yourself"  Ruthie Foster

I would WIN!

After last month's attempted break-in, I replaced all of my cheaper front and back door cameras with RING cameras.  The older cheaper ones were so slow at connecting to the internet and then to the cell phone, that by the time the light came on and they ran, the cameras did not catch them….Damn it!

The new RINGS go directly to the internet and my Amazon “Show” Screen currently parked on my bedside dresser.

 

The old cameras are strategically placed where I can see blind placed in the front and back yard…they not be fast but if a “bad guy” lingers I will get them on video!

I now feel like the neighborhood Gladys Kravits! 

"I Can See Clearly Now"  Johnny Nash

...if you allow it.

Such a wonderful meaningful concept.  So very easy to say, so damn hard to actually do.  Seems like the natural “go-to” for human emotion is negativity and fear.  If I have to blame something, I guess I can blame that on the limpic brain function.

There seems to be a fine line between recognizing, addressing and solving a problem and allowing it to become the long term focus of my attention.

Don’t get stuck in the negative! Stay positive, recognize and solve problems then move on and stay happy!

"Happy" Pharell Williams

Fathers' Day

It is still those little moments that sneak into your heart that still hurt the worst.  Yesterday was a double-edged sword.  I got to spent time with my own wonderful father, my son who is also a great father...but there was one very obvious father missing. It is still hard!


"Daughters"  John Mayer

Plan A...

And that is plan A…

All of the (well most of it) picture framing equipment is gone, the laundry room is opened up, the storage room has been razed and of all the half-finished projects, unused and broken tools, and a host of leftovers or “I will get to it’s  someday” have been hauled away.

Holding on to the stuff was my sad and failing attempt to hold on to Skip and my old normal life.  It takes courage to admit that, it takes more courage to actually do it. I am ready for good things to come into my life!

"Music in Me"  Paula Cole

I chose....

I hate fear!  It is the one thing that has kept me from doing more than any other thing in my life.  As much as I have tried to blame it on situations, people,  and/or negative experiences. I chose to allow the fear to control my life decisions.  

…the reality is I chose to keep it.


"Doing the Things You Want To"  Lou Reed

God's Creativity....

This one caught my attention!  And know most of you that know me are saying under your breath, but you don’t believe in God.  So right off the bat, let me clarify what I do and do not believe. I do not believe in the Christian version of God, but embrace that all religions have got some of it right, but no one yet, really gets it, it is still "beyond all of our understanding". 
~Episcoplian prayer.

So what you all may call God is shorthand to me to for the Universe, Higher Power, and several other non-religion associated names. 

I thought this one protest sign was significantly thought-provoking!  Maybe it is my attention to creativity that I related to immediately.  It is time we all respect each other’s culture, skin color, and beliefs even when they may be uncomfortable for our own personal beliefs.  That and we all need to understand that “bad” people exist in all of these groups and we can no longer define everyone by the actions of a few!

"Got to do Better"  Eric Bibb

Changes....

Everything is different now. The life I expected to unfold disappeared: the good and the bad. Right now there's nothing "ordinary" about my world inside or outside.

 

I concede that there is nothing I can do about the outside world. I wear a mask and keep my social distance, that is about it right now.  So, I have turned a great deal of my energy into controlling my inside world. Cleaning out and sorting through the storage room, reorganizing, having my framing equipment and moulding, glass, etc. (vestiges of who and what I was) hauled away.  It goes very slow because that is who and what I am now, but I am finding some contentment in the organization.  I am finding some peace in the changes, and that, quite frankly is surprising even me!

"Waiting for the World to Change" John Mayer

This is a stellar recommendation with a fatal flaw…

This is a stellar recommendation with a fatal flaw….At the time… I think it is really worth my energy.  That information of whether it was or was not, does not typically become apparent…until after the fact and when it is too late.  

I am trying very hard to figure it out and it becomes more and more critical as my energy really begins to fail me.  Here is a lesson I have recently learned, another one of those “better late that nevers”…

There are many people that get away with massive amounts of just plain attention-grabbing, control clutching drama, under the guise of being emotional, intuitive, or empathic.

Not sure this helps me with MY energy, but I figured it would be a good start to just steer clear of the negative energy.

"Go Down Swinging" Michelle Chaumel

Accepting the Pain...maybe...

Every 5^th of the month, his death anniversary, I gird my loins, adopt this philosophy and head into the day, determined to have a normal and relatively productive day!  And for the most part, I can do that, but there is always sometime during this day, usually in the quiet evenings, that my strength and resolve break down and I find myself in a sniveling hovel of human flesh. Yes, if I accept the pain it cannot hurt physically hurt me, most of the time….but then there are times it will still take my ass down to a raw emotional nub!


"If Only"  Dave Matthews Band

My Mantra!

I think when I finally realized this, much later in life then I would have liked, it began to empower me as an artist and a woman.  

Then when I became sick, it became my greatest coping tool.  

Now as I move through life on my own, it is my mantra!

"Love Me or Love Me Not"  Michael Franti

When things sneak up and bite me on the butt....

About the time I feel like I’ve got this under control, something comes up and bites me on the butt and I realize, I got nothing under control! Those normal, unexpected, ordinary, run of the mill everyday things that literally sneak up on me from behind bite me, chew me up and spit me out!

An old friend of Skip’s drops by for an unannounced visit…I mean an old friend back from the Boy Scouts, Little League days, of course, he was shocked to hear Skip had died, I was embarrassed that I had not gotten touch with him earlier, but after that first few weeks how do you make that phone call? Repeating what happened was not difficult, but dredged up all of the out of control grief and fear that Monday morning.

Then Monday was junk hauling day, it was a two-fer ass biting event. Watching my picture framing equipment loaded into the back of the junk truck felt like I was losing the definition of who I was, who I am, and where my strength was, and then up into the storage aka Skip’s workbench space and again I was overcome by grief that I was letting go of the things that were part of him.

I know these things are necessary for my life to move forward, but no one explains how emotionally grueling it is!

"Details in the Fabric"  Jason Mraz

I have said them...

And…that about says it all.  Sometimes I read back on my own writings and roll my own eyes, with no one here so see my embarrassment.  However, in my own defense…to have this place to vent anger, express love, overcome difficulties, and yes even express grief and death has been a grand starting point for healing.  It is the place I can scream into the universe my pain and my needs; it is also the place that I can show my gratitude or ask why? It is how I begin my emotional processing.  When I look back I see a great swath of time after Skip’s death that I did not write at all and realize that was pure overwhelming grief, I was incapable of emotionally processing anything!...So the fact that I am writing again is a tremendous signal to me and the universe that I am getting better.

"Things We Said Today"  Beatles

It’s the little things…or in this case the super mega ultra-strong!

In days like these, I have been grossly reminded of how many things I have truly taken advantage of.  The availability of toilet paper has never been at the top of my priority list but had always been readily accessible to me and now it was GONE. 

Almost 2 ½ months of gloving and masking up to stalk the dollar store the moment it opened, hoping to score 1 of the 3 miserable packages of 4 for a dollar 80 grit TP they put out each morning then having relatives box up rolls and ship them to me in plain brown boxes finally came to an end. 

It finally happened!  I received 6 Charmin mega rolls with my regular weekly Walmart Grocery order delivery Woo-Hoo!  

Between the stalking, masking, negotiating, shipping and receiving I was beginning to feel like a class A smuggler in training!

"Smugglers Blues" Don Henley

Trust the Timing...Not Yet!

Really?  Loosing a spouse regardless of timing is lousy!  More than lousy, worse than any of my worst dreams! I did not just loose the love of my life I immediately lost half of our income, half of my identity, half of my courage, 90% of my conversations and just about the time I think I have made a fair assessment of the losses and beginning plowing through the efforts to rebuild, another thing happens and a vile amount of vulnerability is exposed.  Trust the timing? NOT YET!

"No Such Thing"  John Mayer

The next 8....

OK…I will start this list…for me

 #1 is…ouch… pain!  Even when it is pretty much under control with meds, when the pain begins it stops all of my efforts to do anything, it stops whatever I am doing, and wait for the meds to kick in.  As it turns out it does not matter what I am doing, this will bring it to a grinding halt!

#2 I am pooped, just out of energy.  I am learning how to generate, spend, and reserve it.  It is my most precious “commodity” and gift.  I will stop anyone that attempts to draw me into an energy-wasting effort.

So…if I could get #1 and #2 whipped, I think I would really have the next 8 under control!

"I'm No Superman"  Lazlo Bane

Goals....

Ah…this one has been around for a while, but I need to re-remind myself what it all means every now and again.  Those 4 words came from a book group study.  “Desire Mapping” by Danielle LaPorte.  The subject was about goal setting, but it came at it from a whole new perspective!  Instead of setting long term goals that may or not be achieved and regardless of which it is, both of those possible outcomes present the obvious question "What next?" or beating myself up emotionally because I did not achieve it.   This book got me to rethink goals in terms of how I want to feel EVERY DAY.  These are my goals for how I want to feel every single day I am here.  Everything else will fall into place if I can keep these 4 feelings in front of my daily existence. Life and shit happens! I have had my share of both, as I am sure most of us have.  Long term desires and goals get sidelined.  But my daily emotional goals get me through it all! excited, fearless, connected, passionate....yes!

"The Life I Know"  India Arie

More Confessions from a Control Freak.

For someone that had so much control of my own life in most areas, there were clear and obvious areas that I did not! The overwhelming changes in my life the last couple of years have truly pointed this out, along with gross amounts of fear and vulnerabilities that are now ever-present.  I am giving up and have no desire to control anything that has the power to “talk back”.  I am enjoying “Not My Cat”, working on much overdue house projects, dotted with small sewing or garden projects.  Yes….I am still a control freak, but I am choosing more carefully the areas of life that I have a small shot at having some control of!

"All Star" OrtoPilot

The Junk Man Cometh!

It has taken a while to get this far, but here I am!  Made an appointment with “Got Junk?” to root out the old picture frame equipment, picture frame molding AND the front storage room….whew! I have been watching too many episodes of “Hoarders”! The last thing on my list of “need to get done” is a plumber to fix the studio bathroom toilet…Finally I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!

"Closer to Fine" Indigo Girls

Even when what is true is pain...

“When sudden death erupts into your life, your whole way of understanding the world is rocked. Previous interests – even things you loved – can seem futile.

You aren’t the person you were before. This experience of love that you’re living has knocked you off course. When you gain your footing again – and that takes the time it takes – you’re going to be facing a different direction. You’ll have to find out how you fit here now, who you are in this new place.” ~Megan Devine

As I began to “re-enter” my life, I realize how much it has changed.  I am not sure if it is me, or everyone else.  I suspect it is me.  When I had an idea, a plan, or a problem Skip and I talked it over, figured it out, made a plan.  Then we moved forward, we did not care what other people thought. Then we would celebrate or fail together, carrying the brunt of responsibility together.  Now it is all on me.  All of the self-help books tell me to get out there, make connections, but it just is not working out.  I am uncomfortable, the creators I always felt were like me risk-takers, trailblazers, rule-breakers the lovers of different, the pushers of the envelope are frozen by fear.  I am still here, I still have so much learning to do…but I have to be careful about how I fill in the blank spaces.  Fear cannot be a part of my life.  I have to learn to make my own decisions, own my own failures and successes.

"I am Here, I am not Here" Julia Stone

This Box has to go!

But I am running into lots of people that sure do like their boxes!  I do not want to waste a moment of life and those boxes that other people have created for the rest of us to live in…suck.  Yes, there are some “boxes” that we must work in…. Like traffic rules, the IRS, laws, city codes, and a few others but most of the boxes are created out of our own fear.  I was up all night last night….panicked and afraid!  Afraid because 2 people knocked on my door and when I had Alexa turn on the light, they ducked under the camera and ran.  They were probably kids…. but I could not climb out of that “fear” box.  I was up and down all night afraid they would come back. I cannot let fear creep into my life. Not now!                                             This BOX has to go!

"Fear" Jazmine Sulivan

...and a new bed spread!

It has been an ugly week of being a grown-up  Possum catching, AC fixing, water main breaking, and a doctor’s appointment on top of the regular nurse visit.  It was nice to get chocolates for Mother’s Day and I bought myself a new bedspread.  It has not been all bad! But this “adulting” thing….more chocolate please!

.


"All You Need is Love"  The Beatles

The Buggar Thinks he has Won!

I have been beaten by a possum….and yes, I know I spelled it wrong…on some level I am claiming it as a victory because every other way he/she has won and I have had to contact a professional.  The buggar thinks he has won, but I have pulled out the big guns and my wallet!

I understand what these creatures are docile and a good thing for the environment, but…they are a BAD thing for my attic and my cat.  Two rather expensive trips to the vet's office, treating Not My Cat for bites and scratches created by most certainly “something than another cat” combined with my sighting of a possum in the back yard, a torn soffit vent screen, and my son actually seeing possum poop in the attic has confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a “freeloader” wreaking havoc at my house!  And then the possum catcher said there is a chance the possum urine may seep through the insulation and the ceiling drywall.  GROSSSSSS!!!  As it turns out…attic possum catchers may fall right under plumbers and electricians when it comes to the cost of service.  But here I am in the middle of possum remediation, including animal removal, sanitation, mitigation, and securing all possible entry points.  My only hope at this point is that my empty wallet will equal an empty attic!  I really hate being a grown-up sometimes! Nobody ever explained this part of living alone!

"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood

Showing too much

Every time I write here, I feel like I am whining, complaining, exposing, being too personal, or being everything, I was taught I should not do…showing too much of myself, but here I am…doing it almost every day.  I am certain that on some mental-emotional level it is the best thing I can do for myself.  It is the best way for anyone that really wants to know me, and how I am surviving life and death, Skip’s and my own, I am leaving a record.  I am also leaving written evidence of how much I hate being a grown-up!  I hope like hell, that Neil Gaiman is right and maybe I am starting to get this right!

"The Secret of Life"  James Taylor

Scotch in the waiting room...

I am not a believer in heaven where we all live happily ever after in the bosom of your family after death, but it was hard to deny the smile that crawled across my face today, as imagined Skip and my Mother together.  

Much earlier in our married life, I had one hell of a battle with my kidneys. Seven major operations in 2 years…followed by 5 more in the next few years. It was a struggle for newlyweds and a new family. Skip and my Mother had established a surgical waiting room ritual that involved a flask of scotch. They developed a relationship over the hours of waiting and that flask that I would never really be a part of, but clearly, something very special between a mother in law and son in law was born. There is some unexplainable feeling of comfort today as I ridiculously imagine the 2 of them in some waiting room, telling each other stories, assuring each other I would be fine, laughing with their scotch, waiting for me. I will finally get to know their scotch, secrets, and stories!

 

"Into the Mystic" Van Morrison

Next to the last first....

This first year is not over yet but what it is full of is “firsts without you” Halloween, Thanksgiving,  45th wedding anniversary, Christmas, New year’s, Valentine's, and the list goes on.  Each one is like another stab through my heart, but each one I survive.  As your 69^th birthday arrives, I realize this may be the “last FIRST” until the anniversary of your death in Aug.

From then on, my heart will know what to expect, it will no longer be an overwhelming and debilitating  loss of emotional control but it will always be the source of memories and love and loss.

" I will"  Ben Taylor

Your Bell...

Your bell still rings all day and all night.  I cannot see you or touch you anymore, but I can hear you and feel you, I know you are here with me, in our little house waiting for us to be together again.  I am trying to make you proud of me and be a strong woman you made me, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do…I miss you so very much!

"Till There was You"  The Beatles

What I Give Power to, has Power Over me....

I did not plan for any of this…a widow with terminal and end-stage heart failure. It sucks.  And yes, there are times when it hurts like hell, there are days, if I had a choice, I would throw my hands up and scream “I Quit” doing this alone only seems to compound the fear and loss...or maybe not, since I have only seen this from this one perspective.  But I am learning daily that I do have the power to find and control a good part of this. It actually falls into what I have always felt but somehow could not apply to my own situations.  “I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it”.   It does all begin and end in my own mind…

"Walk the Walk"  Eric Bibb

Brain Farts...

And thank goodness for Alexa!  I am not sure I could function at all without her constantly prompting me when to take meds, use the nebulizer, where I need to be, meetings, and now I have Alexa in the car too.  I still lose words in the middle of a sentence, that I laughingly refer to as “brain farts” and the probably the biggest reason I knew it was time to quit teaching. Alexa, cheat sheets, and a watch that sends me notes…. I will do and use anything to convince you and myself that I am just fine!

" I Got This"

A New Definition of Self...

Some 5ths are harder than others.  Just about the time, I am ready to proclaim to the world…it is better….I can do this…my heart and my body scream…not yet bitch!  Grief is not done with you yet!  Maybe is it a Monday and a 5^th back to back, or one of a thousand other possible “triggers” who knows what or why maybe it was the trauma and shock of that morning, maybe this is what PTSD feels like, I just do not know, but I do know is that it forces me to make alterations and redefine who and what I am, and apparently as much as I have gotten myself together there is still so much more I do not know or understand!

"Me" Paula Cole

"The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can't be cheered out of.

You don't need solutions. You don't need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold you hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life.

Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.

There is so much work to do to change this grief-averse culture. We need a whole bunch of tools to help grieving people feel supported, and let friends & family know how to give their support. " ~Megan Devine

Back to Life...

I recall vividly and still see it on my bad days, the look and the unsaid words by those that want to grab me by the short hairs and scream, “You aren’t over this yet?”  Under my breath…I answer No…you asshole I will never be over this….but some days are better than others. Skip’s death blew a giant crater in me, my life, and my family.  At first, I immediately went to work filling the whole, only to find out it was a bottomless pit.  The more love, emotion, and care that I put in it exactly… that much would leach out.  I was taught that this hole can never be filled in or covered up or ignored.  It is love, pure love, and that never goes away.  I am learning to honor and respect my damage and scars but to also begin building a life on the edge of the crater.  I cannot go backward, I cannot do it the way I used to, I am not who I used to be…and that is ok.

"Back to Life"  EnVogue

What's New Pussy Cat?

Guess who got a new kitty…and is totally in love?

"What's New Pussy Cat?"  Tom Jones

Finding Grace.....

Grace was always defined for me, now I am embarrassingly having to find it for myself.  I know, I know, I ask myself constantly how did I let this happen??? The year has been filled with more grief and pain than I thought I would ever experience, much less survive, and the thought of even growing, moving forward was beyond all comprehension.  But…there are times that I see cracks in the grief.  The one thing they all have in common is that it takes time and my “want” to regain those parts of myself that were good, recover my strengths and talents, and move forward. I want to enjoy life, I want to love (even though I now know how much pain can be attached to that love). I am embracing a new set of skills in taking care of me because quite frankly, it is just me now!  Yesterday I got for myself new snazzy headphones, Bluetooth, memory card, FM radio, and computer.  It was a gift from me to me just because I wanted them, could afford them (they were not that much) and I am learning that living without is not a sign of great character and responsibility, although there have been parts of my life that sacrifice for the family was necessary and it was expected and honored as being good and selfless, it does not really matter anymore.  So…I am learning…I am learning to find my own worth, my own grace.

"Grace is Gone" Dave Matthews Band