Spoiler Alert....

This is going to be a long one, so sit back and get comfortable.  My dearest friend, Terry and I were talking, and although I was aware of the fact that I had just gotten another boost in the pain killers, I seemed to be a bit freer and gigglier than normal about talking about what my body was and was not doing as my organs begin to shut down.  The biggest and most hilarious part of the conversation had to deal with my intestinal track not operating correctly and the effect of egg salad has on that process, I will let you figure out the rest.  But the point I was making was this was not part of the fucking (excuse me) Heart failure comic book hand out (really, they are written like a comic book) they gave me one every single time I checked out of the hospital and I have many copies of the damn thing, believe me I know it by heart (no pun intended).  It has been a while since I have written in my blog, and Terry asked, “Why don’t you write about this?”  My answer was, I don’t know….who wants to read about egg salad farts?

Ya just got know you are headed for shit
when a black crow lands on your head.

It occurred to me that the one thing I have craved for the past few years was a tribe.  Not an artist or friend’s tribe although I loved them dearly because we share so many intimate and personal things, I need an "I am dying" tribe.  People that know the life, the love, and the fear of dying.  Now let me make myself clear, I am not looking for a “support” group, been to a few and they were full of whiners, whose main topic of conversation always centered around who had the biggest scar, the longest medicine list, the worst and the best cardiologist.  It was like a heart failure pecker contest!  Oh, there were a few knights in shining armor that were convinced they would fight this with diet, exercise, herbs, meditation etc. but they were only interested in showing all of us how much time and effort they were putting into not dying. Where are the people who accept what is happening to them?  The ones who are trying to live their best lives NOW, because that is what we have.  I want to be a part of the tribe that is not afraid to share the good, the bad, the philosophical, and the funny things that are happening to me on this journey.  In the beginning, I spent so much time and energy trying to convince everyone how “well” I was, regardless of how much energy it took.  When I could not do that anymore, I was ashamed. Certain that I brought this on myself and did not deserve any help or sympathy to combat the “monster” of my own creation I began stepping away from my own life.  Now it seems like it is time to tell the truth, the good the bad and the ugly, including the hysterically funny.  And please believe me there are some really funny things!  This will not be easy for me to write or you to read, but maybe, just maybe somewhere in my words, you might find a morsel of truth or comfort.  But then when this is all done and over with I promise you I will only be able to tell you the 2 things I know for sure...and I already know what they are now.

 

SPOILER ALERT:  #1 Nothing stays the same, EVERYTHING changes and 

#2 Everything dies.

"Iris"  The Goo Goo Dolls