This should not come as a surprise

I wonder sometimes what we mean when we say "healing."  In this culture, we tend to think of healing as being as good as new, fixed, it's no longer bothering you. You've gone back to normal. 

Everything is OK.

No.  ~Megan Devine

It means I am learning to integrate my grief into my life.  I am learning people that love me and really want to help just do not really understand that what they say is like stabbing me over and over again.  The worst thing I have been told, many many times, but always with love and to help me accept the death, was that Skip would have never been able to cope with life after I died  I know that was meant to be comforting but what I heard is that I was responsible for his death because I am terminal, that if I was not sick he would not have died.  My head knows that is not what they meant, but it is was my heart heard.  

Grief does not go away, I will never heal but I will learn how to integrate the pain into my life. I will learn that I will not fit in a culture that avoids grief, wants me to heal, be fixed, get through it, be normal again.  I never really fit into linear thinking anyway, so this should not come as a surprise.

"You Have Lived"  Don McLean