I am more exhausted, frustrated and for the most part angry at this body. My body has developed a nasty habit of having its own exclusive agenda that is not known (or accepted) by my head. And herein lies the biggest problem I have right now…my head makes plans that my body will not carry out and in the past week has outright revolted! You would think it might be easy to make the appropriate adjustments, but it is so much harder than all of you think. One of the big reasons is…I do not want it to be like this…denial used to work so much better. In the past, fear has always been my most aggressive personal adversary. I am used to plowing through a problem mostly by convincing myself I am worth it, that the fear is not real, just a negative thought and most of the time I could wheedle through it, if for no other reason than to fool all of you and by osmosis fool myself. Heart failure is now at the stage that it does not care if I am worth it. Maybe…figuring this out is part of the disease is my “despite everything I can still grow” lesson and maybe eventually I will be proud of it…but I am not there yet!
"Let it be Me" Indigo Girls
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