life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure. I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"


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Sunday, April 5, 2020

...it means acknowledging my reality, pain, love and loss.


It is the 5th…again. And as hard as I try, the memories of that morning roar back into my heart. My head and rational thinking cannot stop or control the grief and pain. I remember it like it was yesterday and am still afraid it will happen again, even though I know it is impossible.
 
Darren called and told me Jill was on her way to pick me up, he was at the hospital, Skip had been brought it by the ambulance.  We arrived and they took us straight back to a small (not patient room). A nurse came in and said Skip appeared to have had an aortic aneurism and they were working hard.  Less than 2 min. later a doctor arrived and told us he did not make it.  I did not understand what “did not make it” meant and asked if we wanted to see him…Of course, I did, I still could not grasp what he meant “did not make it”. I was a normal Monday morning we had had coffee together and I had just waved goodbye when he left for work 2 hours ago.

I still cannot explain that first the look at him, the confusion and devastation of that moment. I see it my dreams every night, but on the 5th of every month it feels like I re-live it…and it is really hard.  It is the one memory I want desperately to let go of…and I just cannot seem to do it and I do not understand why.
"Won't last a day" Carpenters
I know this is sappy, but sometimes it just is what it is

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