Modified adventure is better than no adventure!

Been there….done that…both of them!  I will pick adventure every time.  However,  that adventure thing has to have a few modifications…and it almost becomes a just bit less than an adventure …is there such a thing??? I guess modified adventure is better than no adventure.  Because I am here to say the routine thing…it is definitely lethal!

"Boogie Shoes"  KC and the Sunshine Band

So....Why does it still scare me?

Because I am afraid.  Duh!!

As if it was not horrible enough to be regular afraid of things like…they will laugh at me, my art is not good enough, I am not good enough, I am too short, too fat, too old, not pretty enough….you understand this list could quite easily fill this page!  Oh, but these were just frivolous fears compared to the “Mother of all Fears” that took hold in the last few months.  It is the fear we all have and just will not talk about!  There are all kinds of different variations on this topic but they all dwell down to a similar theme “it might kill me”.  I remember in classes I facilitated, every now and again a creative would confess they were afraid they would die with all of their art, music, words still inside them.  And although it made great sense then, it makes even more sense now for me.  Unfortunately, that reason to move forward ran into another impermeable wall of my own building…just doing it will kill me.   That by merely participating in what I love will somehow impact my health and hasten my demise.  And so…what if it does? Live being who I am or a phony.  Thinking that being a quiet, still, do nothing person will prolong a life that I am not enjoying I will live longer….and the question I have been asking is...why?  I knew early on that I would not exchange quantity for the quality of my life.  So why…having embraced quality of life does it still scare me?

"Black Bird"  The Beatles

Taking firm hold on what I can control...

yes…. it does make perfect sense….. for normal people but if you are a certified “control freak” THIS is a big ass deal!  I am not sure exactly how I got this way.  I think it may be a little DNA, it may be that for most of my life I felt like I have had no control or so little that it made no difference to anyone. As I found little bits and pieces of things I can control...I tend to REALLY take control of it…and I do enjoy it!  I learned early on that creating my art was not much more than me taking control and I do mean total control. I decided what the image was and I could manipulate it with line and color and feeling at my own whim.  What a wonderful way to cut my “control freak” teeth on!  So for a while now…I have truly been out of control of my own life.  This heart has taken over my life, I realized it has taken control over all of me.  And now I feel like I have to fight my way back…the best way I know, the way that is comfortable for me, the way I have complete control of…through my art.  Yes, I am letting go of what I can’t control but I am living fully now by taking a firm hold of what I can control….my art.

"Vincent" Don McLean

I am doing it ...if they let me in!

And so…I think I have the opportunity to do one more art show…close to home…3 days…maybe not a lot of sales…but then again I really do not care.  It is all about me doing it one more time.  I can sit here and wish and grieve or I can get up and do. My heart is going to get worse anyway…The fact is, it will not get better by doing nothing.  I would much rather be doing something I love.  It is going to kill me doing nothing or doing what I love.  I want to be in love with my life!  I want to do and be surrounded with who and what I am. 

The local winery is having a 3-day jazz, wine, and chocolate festival, it has my name written all over it! 

I do not want to be stupid either, it will not be like in years past when it was week after week of pounding pavement, turning the work around, reloading and loading.  I have time…it is a one-time thing.  So the first move is to make sure all of the tent canvas is totally dry after the “flood”.  Yep…I am doing it…(if they let me in, that is). 

"Do it Again" Steely Day

The Irregular Reminder

Friday the 13^th is extremely superstitious for me, but not the way most think!  Friday the 13th comes at odd sporadic times through the year…you cannot count on them in any certain month and you really don’t expect or look forward to them.  They just arrive!

Amazing, wonderful, inspiring events arrive in my life the same way.  I cannot plan on it, but when I least expect them, they show up.  All I have to do to participate in these little miracles is keep my heart and my mind open enough to recognize these incredible gifts, and be willing to cooperate, move, interact and participate with them.  Allow them to ignite me!  That is what Friday the 13^th is for me…The irregular reminder that these gifts are coming and they will surprise and shock me.  I have the power to magnify the miracle of my gifts by simply recognizing, accepting,  and celebrating them!  Friday the 13^th is my irregular reminder!

"Superstition" Stevie Wonder

And they are STILL working on the music links....stand by...may be this time it will be repaired forever!!!....One can only hope!

Enter....the AIRY FAIRY!

This business about “that little voice in my head that comes out of me sounding like my parents or doctors, my husband, etc…….”, my “inner child” and the opposite my inner “critic” is still weird to me.  I am not sure I want all of these people in here with me!  

I really did need to get a grip on anything that had this much power over my decision-making process.  One word caught my attention!  POWER!  Through every situation, I found I did not have the power to control how I reacted, or how I felt, that those negative feelings seemed to come automatically without any input from me and I hated it. I continue to spend time understanding how these things influence me and my decisions on a daily basis.  I find by sitting still…taking a breath and observing a situation from the outside, I can separate from all of those pre-programmed things in my head.  I give whatever you want to call it God, Energy, the Universe, Light, Vibes a chance to enter the situation and give me the power to make the choice that is right for me, regardless of what those others think.

Enter my POWER…..the Airy Fairy!  I love her!

"I Wonder What She is Doing Tonight"  Boyce and Hart

it does seem to help....

Here is the good news-bad news…The good news is I rarely have much physical pain.  I mean there is the pain but not the horrible got to have pain meds kind of pain. I am so so incredibly grateful I do not have that kind of pain.

The kind of pain that invades my life is emotional pain.  That is the pain that doctors do not want to see and they never want to talk about, although they know it occurs and are happy to prescribe Prozac the moment you mention it.  I knew early on…medicated and emotionally handcuffed was not how I wanted to do this. Believe me, this is definitely not the easy way, but for me, it is the best way. I want to do this bare-fisted, celebrating fully in my accomplishments, the people and things I love dearly and grieving, too!  I do grieve the life I will not have.  I am learning that, I have to grieve that alone, it is very difficult to find someone that really understands that, and until you have your own future compromised by a terminal disease I think it is a very hard thing to do.  Friends and family that want so badly to help often get caught up in their own pending grief.  It is not their fault, it is just how it is.

I have learned when I focus on today and celebrate the life I have had…. I can just about beat the pain, but I have to accept it too! So, I like spending time alone, I take each day as it comes, push my limits, celebrate my accomplishments, and remind myself daily that I cannot change the past…. and the future cannot hurt me, not right now, anyway…I have things to do.  I think I will always have to acknowledge and accept the pain, it does seem to help.

"If You Could Read My Mind"  Gordon Lightfoot

But #3...I've got that one!

This all sounds so good and although I have made really good attempts at numbers 1 thru 6, the only one I can truly check off as done it….is  #7…Question Everything.

Here is the rub….questioning does not get me any closer to the answers. Although I will confess that it does separate me from “herd mentality” thinking.  1 thru 6  are all good. I appreciate the good advice, and I agree with every one of them…but other than #6 reading…I would appreciate some specific actions to help me accomplish them. 

But #3…I’ve got that one!

"Hammer & Nails" Indigo Girls

Yes, yes and yes....

Yes, yes and yes….
I choose! 

I could not have said it better so I am not even going to try!

                  

"Fight Song"  Rachel Patten

Selenophile!

Oh…this explains it!  I am a selenophile!  I have always had what I feel like is more than a normal relationship with the moon, especially when it is full.  I feel stronger, in tune with my own body, more energy, more creative, more assertive, more in touch with whatever that little voice is inside of me is.  I am not sure I can explain it any better.  It is not an overwhelming feeling…I am not going crazy and heading out and howl at the moon, but it is a definite shift in positive energy and I like it.  I am kind of sad this month, it has been overcast and cloudy for the past few days and although I can feel it, I have not been able to see the October Harvest full moon but I will be dancing anyway!

"Dancing in the Moonlight"  King Harvest

Time just does not make it go away/...

I miss you more than words can begin to express.
You made me crazy at times, you made me laugh, you showed me the world and the most incredible art I have ever seen. A day does not go by that I do not think of you...or an evening at about 8 after your evening wine....I still wait for for the phone to ring.

I thought that as time went by it would not hurt as much and then this day comes around and I am overwhelmed with love and grief...I still miss you so very much!

                   "By Your Side"   Ben Taylor

Keep Breathing......

We owned a sailboat for over 25 years, it was always equipped with a bilge pump…it was a just in case thing…just in case the boat started taking on water we would not sink.  We never had to use it…but I wish I still had it….This morning at 5 AM I woke up to Skip screeching…..CHERYL !!!!….a pipe burst in the laundry room sometime in the night, and probably early in the evening, judging by the 4” of standing water in the studio, laundry room, and front storage room he was standing in.  It has been a day but I will win…..eventually! Just Keep Breathing!

"Keep Breathing"  Ingrid Michaelson

It is time for a "First Time"!

I suspect this may be one of the big secrets of life!  Not always doing the same thing over and over until it is perfected, but having the guts to unapologetically go out and try new things with the knowledge that failing miserably is a distinct possibility!  It is time for “a first time”!

"The Secret of Life"  James Taylor

But I Get What I Need...

Sometimes the same themes tend to arise and repeat themselves,  as silly as it might seem….I see that as the universe trying to get my attention.  It always works! In the last few weeks, I have had several great things happen to me.  Some I had wanted and had totally given up on, others I was hoping and hoping but fairly certain would never happen.  I am learning that putting my intentions into the world does not always give me just what I want, but in these cases, it was not just what I wanted but what I needed!  Thank you, Universe!

     "You Can't Always Get What You Want"  Ituana

Roling Stones Cover

not protecting your rights....

The NRA is not protecting your rights ! They are nothing more than a money-grubbing gun manufacturer lobby that is using fear that you might lose your gun.  Is your gun worth the innocent lives? Is it worth it? Are you going to bow your head one more time and do nothing?


"For What it's Worth"  Buffalo Springfield

"do it with a heart wide open"

Just seems appropriate for a Monday morning….whatever it is….”do it with a heart wide open”!  When I heard this the first time I thought I knew what it meant…then I was not sure. For me, I think it physically took a broken heart before my heart could open.  It becomes a little clearer as I move forward. I think a “heart wide open” is one that accepts failures not as catastrophes but as lessons to move forward. Even the most amazing successes are nothing more than lessons…life is the lessons we learn...the goal is not to have the most money, stuff, kids, friends, or love…but how much you gave of yourself to the world.  If I give what I love the most...even if it is just a little at a time, I will be fulfilling my purpose in this life.  It is what we contribute to the world the thing that brings us the most joy when we give ourselves, our gifts back to the world.  Art, music, building, taking care of others, teaching, and the list of life’s gifts goes on and on.  It is truly unlimited, and each of us, every single one of us has a gift.  How we use it (or not)…. is based on what we think or what we were taught to think by those, even though they love us dearly,  did not understand this concept.  If we are lucky our soul, our source, the universe, the higher power or whatever you believe is the source of that little voice in each of us will insist that we each search for it on our own and find it…We have to find it……and then give it away.  Searching is part of the journey. Most organized religions want to be responsible for your searching and your journey and have a preprogrammed destination.  But in my opinion they got it backward; they said we should give to receive. That feels like it sets up the giving with the expectation of getting something in return. True gifts are given without expectation. The reality is until we have searched and received…we have nothing to give. From this inside out thinking a fulfilled happy life becomes as simple as the balance and experience of searching, finding and then giving away “with our hearts wide open”. 

"Say"  John Mayer

The Waters Rise....

On the way home from St. Augustine we came down A1A…it was a stormy day and there was no hurry. It is always such a nice drive along the beach even on a rainy day.  I expected to see some of the areas of A1A that had been repaired after last year’s Hurricane Matthew washed it away.  I was anxious to ride by and see if my favorite Flagler Beach “haunts” are still there.  There had been no reports of  A1A damage from Irma although I was sure there might be some but not like Matthew, which was not that surprising since that storm came from another direction. But there was damage and unbelievable beach erosion south of Flagler. All of the seawall and all of the dunes have been flattened….This was high tide, and the water was so close to the road A1A!  In all of the years of driving this road…I have never seen anything like this. It was heartbreaking. The waters rise....everything changes, I just did not expect this much….

"Waters of Babylon" Don McLean

Individualist...What the hell is that?

So according to this highly scientific (cough-cough) Facebook personality trait test….and of course, all of the “quizzes” on Facebook are totally true “take it to the bank” accurate. I am an “individualist”…So for just a few moments, indulge me, and allow me to live and revel in the fantasy!

Your Enneagram personality type is the Individualist. 

You're creative, very intelligent and fiercely independent. You're driven by the desire to live true to yourself and you're willing to stand out from everyone else in the process. When unbalanced you tend to be melancholy and envious of others, but if you trust your inner voice you have an impressive imagination that can change the world. You may feel like a rebel without a cause, but when you're in touch with your inner drive, your unique voice can take you far. Be yourself, never compromise on your vision, and find creative ways to express your reality. You have the potential to be one of history's  greatests!                         

"Good Girl" Julian Moon

Sometimes...someone else says it so much better!

Oh... how I love her words!!!

Experience. Dream. Risk.

Close your eyes and jump. Enjoy the freefall.

Choose exhilaration over comfort. Choose magic over predictability.

Choose potential over safety. Wake up to the magic of everyday life.

Make friends with your intuition. Trust your gut.

Discover the beauty of uncertainty. Know yourself fully before you make promises to another.

Make millions of mistakes so that you will know how to choose what you really need.

Know when to hold on and when to let go.

Love hard and often and without reservation. Seek knowledge.

Open yourself to possibility. Keep your heart open, your head high and your spirit free.

Embrace your darkness along with your light.

Be wrong everyday once in a while, and don't be afraid to admit it.

Awaken to the brilliance in ordinary moments.

Tell the truth about yourself no matter what the cost. Own your reality without apology.

See goodness in the world. Be Bold. Be Fierce. Be Grateful.

Be Wild, Crazy and Gloriously Free. Be You.

Go now, and live.

― Jeanette LeBlanc

"A Way With Your Words" Imaginary Cities