So my life plans went up in smoke years ago and when I didn’t have a plan B or plan C or even a plan fricking Z. I reach the end of every year both grateful and angry because the holiday season and New Year’s strategies are stories of hope, victories and winning against the odds that I want to be a part of but realistically no longer not apply to my life. Another year has passed and I did not accomplish the miracle “heal yourself” again. It feels like a horrible reflection on me that I was unable to find the magical new cure or a new strategy, it is still unknown. Sometimes the unknown and incurable scare me. Even in my “Google” world, I have to be OK with there are some questions that have no answers.
So maybe it is OK that I do not have the answers….
Maybe it is OK that I have become a kick-ass chameleon, a fearlessly flexible force to be reckoned with. I get so frustrated when I struggle with little every day things like how do I reach that dish in the top of the cabinet but then I forget that I deal with big-ass life health changes the way other people change their socks. It is going to have to be OK that I don’t have all or any of the answers.
I recognize the changes in me that are far beyond just the physical and the practical. My level of empathy for others, their agonizing choices to live in and uplift the negative, my inability to tolerate other people’s BS, my faith and spirituality, even my politics. And that’s OK.
I am learning is that it is not OK to keep trying to desperately cling on to the old me, the person I can no longer be, but I am almost afraid to become the person I could be, maybe it’s time I just let go of the old me….but that is the person I know…yikes!
"No Time" Guess Who
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