Where the cracks are....

Put your feet up…it’s going to be a long one! I have been consistently sidetracked with all of the political crap going on.  First of all, even I will admit it is easy to get caught up in the drama, and second, it is a great way to focus on anything other than my life, my heart and my art…and quite frankly they all kind of suck right now!

The “Sunday Morning” program day before yesterday had a segment on Gilda Radner’s documentary “Love, Gilda” and I was intrigued.  I always loved her on SNL roared at her characters Roseanne Roseannadana, Lisa Lubner, Emily Lutella , Judy and more.  She always stole the show!  I was overwhelmed by her death from ovarian cancer in the 80s and admired Gene Wilder’s tribute to her life and death by establishing Gilda’s Club but I never worked up the courage to read her book figuring it would just be too depressing…I cannot explain why the documentary was less threatening and depressing….but that is how I felt, so I rented it and watched. I realized quite by accident or design, I had used a Roseanne Roseannadana quote as part of my daily writing a few days ago. Sometimes the Universe just dumps lessons in my lap, and all I am required to do is listen and participate. It does not take much to recognize the big ones...all of the sudden it felt like "Gilda" was jumping up and down, wildly flailing her arms in the air screaming look at me...look at me!

Gilda journaled, recorded, photographed and left notes as she worked through her disease…and all of the sudden I loved her even more, not because she was funny but because she summoned up the courage to figure out why she was funny and how she protected herself with the humor.  She even used it to protect herself from cancer. Yes, I have written my way through most of this disease, but there was no way I would post all of the gory details she was brave enough to, and forget photos….although as I look back there are a few, and they are every bit as disgusting as I recalled they were or wonderfully edited so you only see what I want you to see.  Digging that deep, being that vulnerable takes more strength and courage than I think I will ever have.  I am afraid to look at my own steroid induced “moon face” in the mirror…as if I was not round enough as it was.  (Please do not think I am fishing for an “it’s not that bad” argument” …I am not) but I have through Gilda, figured out how and why I handle things the way I do.

Most people think I am so brave….I am ready to admit that I am not.  I am scared shitless!  But I am really good at getting out in front of it…in in front of you, the people I know and love…as well as strangers before anyone has a chance to criticize or assume I am less than, feel sorry for me or even think that I am any different from…. Then I realized I have done that my entire life. If I can stay ahead of the criticisms and can point out my failures and imperfections, laugh at myself first then no one else has a chance to.  I have been so desperate to protect myself that it has just become automatic, I did not even think about it.  It was the unconscious response to all difficult life situations and it has worked my entire life.  For the most part, it has been a wonderful way to move through life, but it is getting harder now…a lot harder.  It takes much more effort and energy and I am often frightened I will not be able to do it for much longer.  I am not ready to be this vulnerable…and so I will continue to maintain my “wall” the best way I know how…but now you know where the cracks are.

"Breaking Silence"  Janis Ian