What do I need to heal?

I think I know the answer…it is in the mechanics of just how one goes about accomplishing it that I get fouled up. When I asked the question, I was met with a very quick answer, love yourself just like you love others, like my children or my husband.  REALLY???  That is the worst answer ever.  Not because I do not love them with all of my heart, but mostly because, when I look back 90% of my actions were based on what I was taught a good mother and wife and love should be…and I was so bad at it!  The house was always a mess, I could not keep the boys clean, the dirty laundry was stacked in mountains, and the clean laundry rarely made it into the drawers, the kitchen sink was always full of dirty dishes, and my list  reasons that screamed I was bad at this role as mother and wife were evident no matter how hard I tried.  I was always exhausted and felt like if they loved me they would see me failing… drowning…. finally, I went to work to do something…anything that others would see I could be good at.  I was good….and now that I am not working I am desperately looking for something anything to define myself as good…but this time I have to define “love me” without the aid or advice of anyone else. Now I have to really do the work!

"All We Are"  Matt Nathanson