So Worth it!

I have learned so much about what people do not want to talk about.  This part of the journey is really up to each of us and we have to do it alone. As much as I want to share this with friends and loved ones, it is clear it is very hard for them.  Now I know, no one can do it for us or with us or even help us navigate it.  As much as they want to help, they just do not know. Although sometimes all I need is to have someone listen. I have also learned that fear is what controls most of how we approach this part of life and it can be so damaging and destructive.  But oh my! if you are willing to work through that raunchy fear, if you work yourself to the other side, this part of life can be the most freeing, joyful, celebration of life. I will confess there are still many times it can be frustrating as hell … but working through it….is so worth it.

"She is Not Afraid" One Direction

But We Do....

The world and I lost a guiding light.  Damn, she will be missed, but I am so happy that her amazing words will live on.  She will continue to inspire.  Thank you, Mary Oliver, you made more of a difference in my life than I think you might imagine…You were one of the few that knows the real conflict of exposing creativity, allowing others to give or take away the importance of creating.  Still…after all of this time most do not understand that art is about the process of creating…the “product” the art is not much more than evidence that creativity took place.  We really should not even care whether or not others like it….but we do.

"Maybe There's a World" Cat Stevens

I'm going to Nude NIte!

I am so eXcITeD!!!! Me and my girls (both of them) are going to Nude Nite! Feb. 14-15-16

This is the part of life where I seriously question my strengths and energy to continue to do some of the things I really love doing.  Creating is one of those things.  So much of who and what I am hinges on my ability to create. I am absolutely certain it is the main reason my heart continues to beat so strongly. Now Ed (the hospice nurse)  will tell you the meds may have something to do with it…but I KNOW.  

When I could no longer do the layered paper pastels (there was a serious breathing issue with all of the fixative) I had to do something and I began playing with the paper clay.  It has been inspiring, perplexing and incredibly challenging, but there is nothing and I do mean nothing that could possibly have felt better, given me artistic validation, and confirmed that I and my work do still have value than to have someone else in the arts industry recognize my work as being good enough to be a part of a National Show….even if it is limited to nudes!...and that is what makes it just a bit more fun than any old plain art exhibition!

"Naked" Lakshmi Devi

My own reflection...

And this is the beginning of my understanding!  

I think it is so much easier, less challenging, and takes so much less work to love a reflection of ourselves.  I know because I have systematically removed people that are aggressively different from me politically, however, in my own defense I do love having open intelligent political conversations and debates, it was only when the discussion included debasing  and humiliating others for not believing the same way they do that I began resolutely deleting people and comments.  I think loving my friends and family’s different characteristics of beliefs is a wonderful thing, until and unless it creates chaos and drama and begins impacting my own ability to achieve peace.  I will never be able to love everyone, or agree with them or fit them into “my reflection” nor will I fit in to theirs ….and it is ok.  I have not found my own reflection, yet.

"For Good" from "Wicked"

This is just so wrong!

 “Once upon a time”…

I suspect we all have “those” stories. And I did have 1 or 2 marvelous decadent up all nighters, but I really thought “adulting” was going to be full of those wild wanton nights! Who knew that once I did not have a job or kids and could stay up as late as I wanted to… I would not be able to anymore.  This is just so wrong!

"Born to be Wild" Steppenwolf

Sunday Morning and all is right in my world!

New Air Handler fits perfectly in old space!

I love it when a plan comes together….
Which very rarely happens!  But yesterday was like a well-oiled tornado of amazing workmen that knew just what they were doing!  The arrived at 8 AM and were done by 1PM installing a whole new system, both inside and out with all of the wiring, drains, electrical, etc…etc…without a hitch…it was amazing…and it works like a charm!  All that “prep” work paid off, having all of the drain and copper tubing exposed for them to get to really helped expedite the job!  And for as much as I have worn myself out and groused about, it sure does now feel great that I got those closets cleaned out and reorganized and now put back together….well almost…the studio is still not finished!  It is Sunday morning and all is right in my world!!

"I Just Want to Celebrate"  Rare Earth

All of the little things that I did not truly appreciate!

It is new AC/Heater system replacement day!  My last few days have been in preparation for this….AUGH!  All closets that the pipes and tubes are cleaned out and ready…and when you live in the same place for over 40 years and closet cleaning is NOT one of my high priority jobs…there is a serious YUK factor!  I cannot complain, this system has served us well for over 30 years and I have been told that is well past the normal life span but I do not think there is ever a time that I would want to spend this much money or do this much cleaning.  I cannot wait to have this over with...but the dream of efficient air and heat and my kitchen and studio put back together is going to feel so great!  All of the little things that I did not really pay attention to or truly appreciate have become front and center….and oh how I do appreciate these conveniences now!

"Hammer & Nail"  Indigo Girls

Panties are optional!

Well let’s call it as I see it…it is not just coffee, smiling and panties but a back that is killing me, forearms that are again infested with hundreds of those little blood bruises and no desire to get out of this wonderful heated-vibrating recliner!  

After 2 days of tackling the studio closet, it is going to take much much more than this crummy “rah-rah” quote to get me motivated enough to tackle the kitchen “garbage”  closet!  Even if it is only 1 fourth the actual size of the studio closet…there is nothing fun in there…brooms, mops, cleaning supplies, bug spray…. etc. …all are of questionable origin and use! 

Another sip of coffee and I am resetting the chair remote heat massage for another 30 minutes….oh yea…there is the smile on my face and the sparkle in my eye... the panties are optional!...

"Get Up Off of That Thing"  James Brown

My own little retrospective!

The studio closet HAS to be cleaned out so the new AC/Heat system can be installed. There is absolutely no other reason I would take on this kind of lousy job!  The drain pipe and copper tubes run through the backs of this closet one other kitchen closet and the pantry.  If I ever find who came up with this “better idea” ... I may throttle them!

Aside from my exhaustion and grousing….It has been an interesting visual walk through my creative career.  For the first time ever, as all this old artwork that never sold, or I changed my media enough that I could no longer include it in my outdoor art show category was dragged out and reorganized to get ready for all of this AC/Heat construction. I got to see 30+ years of my art and how I have grown and changed.  It was interesting and something I had never really thought about or would have done for that purpose.

There was texture and dimension even in my early watercolor work, I did not realize what a big part of me and my work it is and apparently has been all along  Too actually see it be born and develop and now watching it morph and grow into 3D work with sculpture was really interesting.  But still there was a ton of shit that just needed to be pitched and I need to temporarily stash the other works somewhere in the studio until the work is done and I can put it all back…

It was like my own little “retrospective”!   

What is in the picture is not even close to all of it!  YIKES!!!

 

"You Have Lived"  Don McLean

Is this the something new?

They are photographically done…

that means a lot more finishing work and paint touch up…but for now, the images are good enough for photographs to be judged by the “Nude Nite” Jury to determine if I am good enough to exhibit this year.  

Looking back, I needed to spend more time but it was a deliberate choice I made (or a really great excuse if I am not selected)…. This time…putting the holidays and time with friends and family first.  I really thought I had made a reasonable compromise by NOT doing a large piece as one of my entries this year.  But is there ever enough time when there are deadlines?  Or am I and all artists searching for the answer we ask ourselves repeatedly....Am I good enough?

Regardless of this outcome….I have enjoyed being back in the studio, working in a newer medium that I (and my heart seem to tolerate a bit easier than the pastels).  This may be the beginning of the something new I have been reaching out for!

"Something New" Tom Fletcher

More of it!

Bases and backgrounds taking shape!

Part of being a creative…is to see past the lumps and the sticks and all of the ”broken” things and finally get to the images or artwork I had in my head.  Although I have to admit that more times than not, what finally erupts and is finished turns out being better than what was in my head. The trick for me is to just let the process go...following it, rather than directing it. 

But I do direct! Maybe not in the specific art…but most definitely how I present it!  Not many people understand including artists that a lot of time and money is spent on framing or presenting artworks well.  Artists (for lack of funds, time or talent) tend to want the galleries, museums and/or buyers to do this…I have always disagreed. Perhaps I spend too much time in the presentation, but I have seen what people can do to my work when left to their own devices.  In my opinion, the presentation becomes part of the work.  Other than the work itself, it is the most influential part. So I am sure most people did not understand yesterday’s panic when the black paint I was using for the bases and canvas was drying semi-gloss-ish.  I think perhaps in a day or 2 (crossing my fingers) you will understand how important it was for me to have a flat finish behind the antiquated finish of my girls.

What I will say without hesitation, being back in the studio, has been close to magic.  I know part of it is the excitement and the hoping the “Nude Nite” jurors will see my vision and allow me into the February exhibition.  There is magic and healing power in just plain simple creativity that so many people are going to live and die without ever having truly experienced. Every day I am grateful for this magnificent gift and I need to promise myself to do more of it!

"More of That"  Eric Bibb

Fantastic Mistakes!

Well, this is one I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with!  Working on a hard deadline is not the time to find out the “flat” latex paint is NOT the same as “flat” acrylic.  After doing a second coat on the bases for the “girls” the damn paint is like a semi-gloss….there is a definite shine.  Even after sitting overnight just to make sure it was not just a little wet, and the damn stuff is still shiny.  Still, have to build the gallery wrapped canvas backing with braces to support the bases and sculptures and they all need to be painted FLAT black too!   AUGHHHHHH!   This can be considered a FANTASTIC mistake! 

"Red Wine, Mistakes, Mythology" Jack Johnson

Big Old Fat Creative ife!

I am one of the lucky ones!  I figured it out late, but I did figure it out!  If I did not break the “rules” I would never have been able to become the person I was put on this earth to be. I have lost friends and family love, but it was partly my choice to no longer “play the people pleasing games”. I already let them break my heart once, now it is all on me I will not let it happen again!  Even if I scare them, they do not agree, or they think I am wrong. I will not ever forget or be afraid again to have a big old fat juicy creative life!

"Something to Talk About"  Bonnie Rait

My heart knew...all along.

"Ave Maria" Guy Farley

Shoving the box!

I spent so much life trying to make others love me.  I wanted so badly to fit into the box.  It just never worked. I always felt like I was begging to be noticed and never good enough, much less loved.  This past year, I have finally learned (and am still learning) how to let go of needing to be loved and agreed with.  It is a work in progress, but it is all good!  Afraid to disagree with anyone, I pushed my feelings down because I was sure people might not like me, ignore me and leave me, and some did! However, in all honesty, I have learned how to walk away, too. As I learn how to love me, the need for others to love and/or like me seems to dissolve.  The peace is very nice.

This late in life I am still learning how to love and respect me and my peace.  In some ways, it is much harder than I imagined it would be, and other ways easier…but it is always worth it!  I will be doing much more box shoving this year!

"Let it Go"  Micheal Franti

…..wish I had done this all of my life!

I cannot speak for everyone, but for myself, I can definitely say my entire life was spent making decisions based on fear and what should not happen.  Like I should not look like I do not know what I am doing, I should not look like I do not know everything I need to know, I should not look like I do not know how to dress, raise children, decorate my home, balance my checkbook perfectly (every month), plant the perfect garden, be the all-knowing artist….and the list goes on and on and on!

And THEN, I had to deal with the medical industry….whoosh…that is the quintessential place where making decisions is always based on fear and how much money they can separate you from.  They will never let you decide to walk away from a test, medication or procedure.  And if you disagree, you get labeled non-compliant, which I suspect does nothing more than relieve them and their insurance company of all malpractice liability.  

Through, horrible medically self-serving advice, old age, and hospice I am learning that I have made decisions all wrong my entire life!  Now everything is based on NO FEAR, what I want to happen and how I want to feel!  …..wish I had done this all of my life!

"Bitch" Meridith Brooks (acoustic) 

...and the studio is alive again

....and the studio is alive again!  I am loving the unexpected emotional tension that erupts while creating contemporary antiquities.  The challenge of engineering my very first horizontal armature was a bit more challenging than anticipated, and to be honest…still not sure…it was one of those “seat of my pants” operations, but then the seat of my pants has produced some of my best works.  Managing not just the technical support but the single point of balance…yikes…and that center of balance will be lower when she gets mounted on her “real” base…this one is very very temporary! There is so much “finishing” that is still waiting.  Then she will be mounted again on a custom canvas with extra structure and bracing that will support the sculpture and the base.  3-D on the wall…and not base relief!

        "Obeah Woman" Nina Simone

The voice of my soul....

Even when my heart is broken and dying it sings to me!  Yesterday I got to spend the whole day in the studio and all of the sudden while my hands were immersed in thick yummy clay I began to feel my heart coming alive and singing.  It gave me the courage to try something I had not done before and the audacity to move outside my comfort zone.  The need to move into and through my fear was both frightening and exhilarating as I nervously wait for the work to make it through the firing process, praying that it does not crack or break!

Another wonderful opportunity to thank my amazing heart!  Regardless of what is going on physically…it never fails me! It keeps moving me toward my soul and my destiny!

"You and Your Heart"  Jack Johnson

And the choice is mine!

It is kind of a “Come to Jesus” moment! This one kind of follows the “if you build it, they will come “ passage, which I reinterpreted into “if I plan it, it will happen”   Well, I can tell you all now….they are pretty much both BS. 

Now, the part about this quote that gives me all of the “after the fact” power I have found is absolutely truthful.  But if you bought into “The Secret”, “What the Bleep”  and vibrational attraction….I know…I know it really was a thing 20 years ago (and it seemed reasonably new age-y)  you may be screwed.

I expect good things always, I allow for the fact that things can (and do) go horribly wrong.  But just in case I try to be prepared to slog through the fallout.  In my opinion, real power comes from how I choose to survive or get to the other side. 

It is so very true, the only thing in this world we have control over is how I act and react.  So if that is all I’ve got, I think it is worth a whole lot more of my attention!  And then I really get to be the queen of my world!                                                                                                                                    

"Give Peace a Chance"  The Beatles

Yes, No, Never Mind...it might just be the assholes!

Maybe it was not me!!! Maybe it was those around me!!!  Maybe it is seeing an end in sight, maybe it is just getting older and hopefully a little smarter, or maybe it just does not matter so much anymore.   But I will confess, I think what is bothering most people, and me for a great deal of my life are the really silly things.  They were the things that blew smoke up my skirt, frustrating me, making me crazy, that made me afraid or angry… and for the most part just kind of stupid!  I am not questioning how REAL those things feel at the time, believe me, I have lived a lifetime doing just that, and every now and again I get dragged back into the bad habit, but I am reminding myself not to spend too much energy on what I might feel  is really important now, because I know the time will come when I ask myself, why it bothered me so much.  I will also fess up that I still have a list of things that can drive me nuts for no reason…but as they come up, I am beginning to see them through a whole new set of eyes. 

I suspect some of my friends and family maybe feeling that I am becoming distant and less able to empathize but the choices just seem to be so much clearer now without the perfunctory obligations to do the “research”.

 

Quite simply…  There seem to be the same 3 distinct and Universal answers to every question. 

#1 YES…with all of the commitments and responsibilities knowing that…. yes is a promise, all in, no complaints, show up, follow the instructions,  spend the money,  follow through your agreements, Yes means no complaining, discussing or fearing something that only I can change. As Nike says….Just do it!

#2 NO…drop it, walk away, “no” means I do not get to drag around my or others “no” (or failures) for the rest of my life.  It may or may not impact my life, but I do not want to spend any more of my energy trying to change the feelings or beliefs about it…and I am not so sure I want to waste any of my time and energy having others try to convince me I am wrong (even though I may very well be).

# 3 NEVER MIND I have changed my mind!  (Or  the “cousin” ….do not really care) I believe there is a time and place that this is totally acceptable IF and only IF I have not spent hours, days, years of my life whining and complaining about a situation that I am not willing or able to do anything to change. it’s over…it’s done. 

I do have to remind you….#3 is a dangerous choice and once evoked must be immediately followed by a firm yes or no…Lingering in “Never mind” is dangerous! I know I spent way too much of my life right there, complaining, unwilling and afraid to commit to yes or no!

"All We Are"  Matt Nathanson