but there is a definite possibility!

I have always chalked it up to my gypsy DNA, never really considered this could have been “wine” induced…. but there is a definite possibility!

There are no words that can describe how wonderful and exciting my years on the art festival circuit were, nor did I truly appreciate them until they were gone.  I have really thought about “why” they were so great because they were fraught with some of the most difficult physical work at the most ungodly hours.  I always wondered if there was any amount of money that was worth it.  This work, for what I am certain that if I added up the materials involved would have paid less than minimum wage. But as I look back…I only remember the challenge, opportunity, the adventure and lots of wine sipping.

And even if my work did not sell there were many people that would tell me how much they liked and appreciated my work!  I was validated as an artist regularly with words and dollars.  Sometimes the words were more valuable than the cash.  But make no mistake…every weekend was about seeing and spending time surrounded by the phenomenal works of art created by other artists, making new friends and sipping wine…. lots of wine!

"Spill the Wine" Eric Burden and the Animals

I miss my gypsy life!

Last night was an art opening and I ran into a couple of art friends I had not seen in years and years…and as all art conversations go, we began with “the last time I saw you…you were doing…”  And then a torrent of questions begin about how we did/survived the art show circuit and how they tried it and hated how much work was involved.  It was always hard and incredibly physical but somehow when you have a good show it is worth it!  And we had so many good shows, but that was because we rarely did anything in this area.  We learned early on to do the bigger shows (more possible patrons) and to do our “demographic” median income homework before submitting applications.  It made a huge difference and the hard work was always worth it!   I realized to be good at this, you truly need to be part gypsy and love the lifestyle, be ready and able to fix anything with rope, baling wire and/or duct tape.  Believe me, something will always break.  It was always a challenge and no one will ever really understand just how much I miss this life. Even with all of the blessings I still have and how hard I focus on gratitude, there are days that I would give anything to have my gypsy life back.  

"Gypsy Woman"  Brian Highland

That is the hard part!

Not so sure it is the anger that is hard to let go of, I feel like I am really quite good at releasing my anger….but the emotional exhaustion, hurt and pain caused by feeling, recognizing and dealing with that anger in the first place that wears me out, before I ever have a chance to let it go.  Is there some way of not experiencing the anger at all?
That is the hard part!


"Let it Be"  The Beatles

...but all of a sudden they are everywhere!

I do not intentionally collect angels but all of a sudden they are everywhere!  I can trace back the beginnings of this and many other of my own weirdness to my Mother.  Every Christmas she would include a wonderfully “tacky” angel as part of my gift.  I loved their irreverence so much that I kept them out all year and eventually they were incorporated into the “heart” mobile she made for me that hangs over my bed.  It just seemed appropriate that she, the angels and the hearts watch over me as I sleep. The other angels were gifts or I bought them and one I made.  As a card-carrying agnostic, I never intended to collect angels.  I do not ascribe to the religious existence of winged singing people that fly around making profound announcements.  However, I can wrap my heart around imaginary little beings that watch over me and spread smiles and love.  And the fact that they are all odd, unusual, and quirky makes them even more wonderful.  

"In the Arms of an Angel" Sarah McLachlan

YIKES! ... the angel post follows my swearing post...a little accidental ironic balance...

Swear wisely and with intention!

I remember the first time I swore…I was about 12 and I called Tommy Snyder a dumb ass!  He was trespassing on my favorite “kick the can” hiding place and would not get out!  I was so angry that it just came out of my mouth.  I expected a much more horrified reaction from him…but he just told me to shut up! I decided then and there it certainly did not get me the results I was looking for, and swearing was highly overrated and not worth getting punished over.

When my sons came home from the service, the Navy and the Air Force… I began to understand the saying “swore like a sailor”.  They were both horrible, and I became the language police! 

But then on occasion when I really wanted to make a point, I learned that a well placed swear word got the perfect attention I was looking for.  It was kind of like magic; the boys would literally stop what they were doing and cringe at the pure shock of that coming out of my mouth.  However, I need to warn you, if used too often it loses its shock value.  So... swear wisely and with intention…And I do!

Ah.....F#_k  It

I need some expiration dates!

Well, that is my stack of baggage!  I was mentally filing through them, trying to select the bag that held the most amount of my “damage” when I realized they all do!  How could I possibly pick just one or two of them?  In fact, I am still in awe of the theory (or fact) that we really can carry all of these negative feelings around all of our lives AND they continue to have such an effect on our behavior, even now!  Shouldn’t they have some kind of expiration date or just plain wear out after a while?  I mean, my head understands the who, where and why of most of my negative issues so I should be able to control them but somewhere inside of me those overwhelming feelings still exist and the buggars will erupt in the most unexpected ways and when least anticipated!  Is there a “totally unexpected” old shit suitcase?


"Unwritten" Natasha Bedingfield

I choose....

"Hold On I'm Coming"  Sam & Dave

The Medical System is broken!

I finally made it to Medicare!

Medicare is mine and the government's joint funded health care program that has 4 basic component health insurance parts.  I have paid into Medicare Part A my entire working life through years of my Medicare withholding income taxes and there is no cost to me at this time for that one (it has already been paid for).  There are 3 other parts with out of pocket costs.  They offer higher and more specific health coverage.  Pretty easy concept…. right????   But as typical government red tape, they can confuse the hooey out of even the simplest concepts but throw in a mysterious Managed Medicare “middle man” and insecurity and chaos take over!

All of the sudden there was a massive inundation of unsolicited sales phone calls, mailed advertisements (2 and 3 a day for months), even salespeople knocking at my door (ala fuller brush salesmen) to “help” me make the “right” Medicare choice (theirs of course).  Every major health insurance company and many I never heard of were aggressively pursuing me and my Medicare business. I had to stop and ask myself why?  Some of these were the same companies that canceled my coverage and turned me down because of a preexisting condition.  Chronic advertisement, TV, mail, salesmen’s commissions, and other sophisticated marketing programs are huge business expenses.  They all tell you their service “costs you little or nothing”!   Why are they putting the “full court press” on me (or any 65 yr old) unless there was significant profit to be made over and above these costly marketing expenses?

So…. who is paying for their services?  How do they get paid?  There is no such thing as “something for nothing” and my suspicions kicked in. WHY are these companies pursuing me so aggressively?

Here is what I learned…and it scares me!  These Medicare management companies have negotiated with large healthcare service providers at a significantly reduced price.   Hospitals, doctors, independent testing facilities, outpatient surgical centers, etc. etc.  have agreed to accept lower fees for services.  These healthcare facilities are depending on the increased volume of patients and tests that are submitted through these specific Medicare management providers to make up the financial difference.  It is “wholesale” healthcare! There is a great deal of money to be made from medical testing, necessary or not.  Guess who keeps the difference in the 2 numbers (the payment the testing facility, doctor, etc. etc. has agreed to accept and the amount of money Medicare has agreed to pay)?  The answer is NOT the doctors, not the hospitals, or testing facilities, here is another hint…it is not me or you either.  It is your Medicare management company.   If you are of an age…and all of the sudden your “Managed Medicare Doctor” is recommending many more medical tests and smaller procedures… more than you have ever had.  It is probably not your health and/or welfare that they are concerned about, but now you need to begin paying for their services.   This is how the managed Medicare company is getting paid…at your health expense.

When we ask and complain about the price of healthcare, it is the managed care companies and insurance companies “in the middle” between you and the actual medical diagnosis and health care that are all making a profit from our health issues.  And since medical tests have the least amount of medical-legal “liability” to both medical and managed care companies, they become a financial bonanza and you will be getting a lot more of those.   This is how you pay for your managed Medicare services. Can you believe they are more concerned about your health or is it their profit margins?  The system is broken!

"Doctor My Eyes"  Jackson Browne

And it really does happen…

And it really does happen…it just never sticks! 

There are times that I suspect I understand what it might feel like to be bipolar!  I wish these quotes would also make mention of the fact that this is a great feeling but do not be discouraged when it fades….and it will fade…but it will return… if that is what I want.  

It’s a roller coaster ride.  

It isn’t easy, not always good, but always worth it.  

But then what part of life isn’t?

"More o' That"  Eric Bibb

Norris inspects!

Finally…the new door…Still…. more touchup painting, but for the most part, we have finished! 

What we thought would be a 2-day project took 4 days.  Obviously, we think we are much better, faster, smarter and younger than we are!  But with age comes out and out stubborn tenacity! And as it turns out, that is not always a bad thing! (Ed does not always agree with me on that one but it is who and what I am so I am going with it!)  To actually watch the things you imagined come to fruition is the best drug!  But, there are still "pounds" (not kidding) of sawdust everywhere.  I wipe it up...in a few hours, it settles again!

"It Don't Come Easy" George Harrison

...nothing is a standard size or square

Old, and I do mean old sliding glass doors are being replaced with amazing huge French doors!  Sliders had a very decorative, but highly functional lime green pool noodle as insulation between “the spoiled” kitty door and the sliding door.  That left about a 16” opening for people to get in and out!  We had to turn sideways to squeeze through the door…and god help you if you are carrying something!  

Of course, nothing like rehab construction…it does not matter how long you have lived somewhere there will always be surprises when you tear into an older house.  Like…nothing is a standard size or square.  What we thought might take us a couple of days is now approaching day #4, but we are beginning to see the possible end!  Age and endurance are definitely rearing their ugly heads!

Only another cat owner will understand how much time and expense we are willing to go to so that the kitties can go outside to do their “business”! But to go from 16” door opening to a 48” opening is crazy good!

"Our House"  Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young"

or....maybe just a hint

But wouldn’t it be nice if they came with a “note” that explains what we are supposed to learn up front…or maybe just a hint!  I think everyone is here in my life to accept me, love me, support me and so I get fooled a lot…you would think I would have learned by now.  But nope!  I am still working on it, but I do and always have understood that everyone that comes into my life will have something to teach me….from here on out can it just be really good and fun stuff…please?

"Help" Beatles

The “side effects” list...

All of these meds are a total pain in the ass!  Why don’t we have these or other magnificent side effects, that I am certain Big Pharma is capable of.  Why isn’t wrinkle reduction or spontaneous weight loss ever on the “side effects” list?  I would not be bitching so badly about the cost of drugs if we had some decent side effects!   Just add some amazing side effects and …Woo-hoo… most spectacular drug marketing strategy EVER.  I am waiting!!!!

"White Rabbit"  Jefferson Airplane

“I just haven’t yet!”

I do not write anything here about death and dying until I think I have it somewhat figured out or figured out my own perspective on it.  But about the time I think I’ve got it… something or someone blows through my brain (probably riding a broom) and whacks me up side of the head and says “you know nothing, bitch!”  That happens a whole lot more than you might think.  I am not smarter or more experienced.

I suspect all of these years of writing this blog do nothing more than placate what is left of my insatiable artist’s ego or allow me to think “out loud”.  I have no idea what I am doing, or even how to do it… I just bumble through “doing it” and there is a shit ton of stuff I have not figured out… “I just haven’t yet!” I suspect I never will.

 "I am Light"  Indie Arie

The new mantra has to be Whatever I am…It is enough.

And here is where things are really beginning to suck...Like there has not been enough already!  I am grossly aware of my body staging an out and out revolt, refusing to participate in some of the things, even some of the small things I want it to do.  And I swear, if I did not have Google on my phone, I might not have any memory at all!  I am not the Badass Warrior Queen I thought I was going to be, perfect was never a small part of the equation, but badass fearless was.  This is quite possibly the most difficult part I seem to have no choice and letting go is one of the most difficult things in life we all must do…I am not good at it!  The new mantra has to be Whatever I am…It is enough.

"Music in Me"  Paula Cole

In the words of Roseanne Roseannadana…”Never Mind”!

Or…it just is not a big deal!  I had a minor meltdown.  Heart failure has its share of crap and occasionally new symptoms will arrive, which I would like to mention with significant irritation, are NEVER mentioned in the standard Heart Failure Handbook.   When my body decides to do something really different or unusual it really does get my attention and immediately I go to the “Bad Place” in my head!

So, you can only imagine the dark thoughts I conjured up when I began having uncontrollable tremors in my right hand yesterday! 

AUGHHHHH!  The first instance lasted about a half an hour before it stopped… the second, third and fourth times were much shorter respectively.  When Skip got home, I told him about it…and his first question was….” Were you using your new electric vibrating orbital hand sander today? with your right hand?”   OOOOOOPS!  In the words of Roseanne Roseannadana…”Never Mind”!

"Hammer and Nail"  Indigo Girls

..maybe this is just part of it.

Yea…you have read this before… the absolute worst part of heart failure is the exhaustion, the frustration of not being able to do what I used to do and I am not talking about aerobics!  Just normal life stuff!

 

What I am learning is the only person this truly bothers is me.  They are right…the world goes on.  I am not sure if that is a comfort or not.  I would like to think I am extraordinarily important and life as we all know it will come to a grinding halt if I am not there.  The reality is exactly the opposite.  The world will go on, it has too.

So, if I do not finish until tomorrow or the next day or even the next week, I just need to focus on finishing.  But there are some things I just cannot forget or let go of… there are some deadlines that are still incredibly important to me! …and so the frustration continues, maybe this is just part of it.  Just like a head cold has a runny nose, heart failure is full of arrant frustration.

"You Had Time"  Annie DiFranco

I just want to fall in love with life again, every day!

I need to remember this every day, and I wonder why did not just make myself do it every day in my past!  Ego, stupidity, arrogance may explain some of it.  How could I know these days could be much more frustrating than anything I could have possibly imagined?  All of those times I fussed and fumed, for the most part, just were not that important and the sad reality is that it really did not change a damn thing.

I look back and wonder why.  What was I thinking? 

I just want to fall in love with life again, every day.

       "Every Day"  Dave Matthews

…and it still ain’t right…

"From the Broken Places"
48" x 10"

Still horribly new at this, I am trying so hard to keep my “sculptures” easy and simple…and what I am finding is that the “engineering” sculpture is a whole new animal!  And that animal is NOT in my barn!

This one just seemed like such a clever minimal assemblage of wood, clay, wire, glass, and sticks.  The idea should have been effortless, but getting everything drilled to be centered, stand up and hang straight was as frustrating as hell…and it still ain’t right…but it is in the ballpark….Going to Casselberry City Hall’s “Experience Contemporary” Exhibition.


"Satisfaction"  Rolling Stones

....whatever you do.

Toxic people, crazy-makers, chaos creators….the ones that control through confusion and turmoil.  This felt like a variation on the theme, but I recognized the situations in my own life as soon as I read this.  I do not remember now what hurt worst…whether it was the original unfair misinformation, or that others I cared about and trusted believed it.  But I have to admit, if you can stay disconnected emotionally, or as it was said….stay above it… they will come around and see the truth.  The part that sucks is that it will hurt like hell for a while, whatever you do.

"Wonderwall"  Ryan Adams

Not from my Pain....

What a great way and reason to put sadness and pain to good work!

 

I love the statement ….” from my heart, not my pain”!  And it is so simple to understand and do.  No long-winded psycho-babble explaining the rhyme and the reason. Just the very simple idea…

not from my pain!

"Faith of the Heart"  Rod Stewart

without guilt....

I am beginning to sound so very selfish, but I am learning….I am learning…I do get frustrated that this kind of learning is coming so late in my life…but grateful that I may be finally getting it.  I am no longer required to like/love because of who or what they are, based on the labels that associate them to me.  I have a choice! I read a NY Times article about how divided we are now…that families and friends have stopped talking to one another because of the current attitude of divisiveness.  I was feeling rather guilty and ashamed of myself…but then I remembered that I do have many family and friends that I have serious religious and political differences with…We either have wonderful open sharing discussions about our differences or we do not talk about them at all. It does not affect our relationship, we respect each other.  It is only the ones that do not honor or respect my feelings and continue to disperse negative “my way” “you are wrong” only messages that I have to learn to put aside without guilt.

"A World Without Love"  Peter & Gordon

The "move on" part of the program!

And after all of this time, all of the personal introspection, all of the “come to Jesus” revelations….yea, I still want to be liked and loved by everyone!  How sick is that?  Every time I stand up for me, defend my right to have personal and different opinions there is a voice in the back of my head that is jumping up and down screaming….stop that!.....shhhhh!....people are going to talk….what if you are wrong?.... You are wrong a lot…if you want to be liked you have to be like them…don't make waves…sure you can have a different opinion but just keep it to yourself…Are you beginning to get the picture?  I am a whiny wishy-washy peacemaker when I really want to be a strong opinionated woman! 

And for the record, I do have a “fuck it bucket” at the bottom of this page, but maybe it is time for me to work on the “move on” part of the program

"My Grace is Gone"  Dave Matthews

Doctrine and Dogma not needed!

I do not want to offend—but….

Yesterday was another run-in with a self-professed, holier than thou Christian on Facebook.  It is like Facebook is the place that they can do and be everything their religion preaches against.  I wonder if Facebook has become the  Christian equivalent of making it to “Home Plate” SAFE…Anything can be said or done… SAFE….they are not responsible for upholding any of their religious doctrines… SAFE. 

I received a negative political cartoon, asking me to like and share…a negative post about political figures that I happen to admire and respect. I reacted by asking them to please not post this type of negativity on my page and deleted that post.  (I do that a lot these days) A couple of hours later another sarcastic remark….” so this is your page…?”

Yes, I know you cannot judge everyone that professes Christian values by the bad behavior of the few…but it feels like the “the few” are growing in numbers and their job appears to be browbeating, making fun of, chastising, belittling, and berating others with different opinions in public (or at least on Facebook).  The only explanation I can come up with is, they are showing all of their Christian friends that they are “upholding” the faith with these crude remarks.

It does not change my mind and it does just the opposite for me. 

#1 Unfriend, I do not need the negativity in my life! 

#2 I am even more secure in my own Agnosticism, I neither believe nor disbelieve in a god or religious doctrine. Agnostics assert that it’s impossible at this point in history, for human beings to know all there is about how the universe was created and if divine beings exist. And as a recovering Christian, I am more certain than ever that they truly have no idea what the basic tenets of Christianity are.

#3 I am reminded that we all are allowed to practice our own spiritual beliefs as long as it does not hurt another, and in my world, that means physically and emotionally.  (This is the part that a goodly number of Christians have missed out on…some how they feel it is their duty to point out everyone else’s faults as they are perceived by their religion)

#4 I appreciate my Christian friends that accept me as I am without needing to point out my faults or judging!

I do not need the doctrine or dogma to be a good person. I am who and what I am.

"Imagine" John Lennon

In some ways more exciting....

So, I get this great idea…it starts to percolate in my dreams and I know just what it should look like.  In my waking hours, I take that vision and try to figure out what “materials” might “do” what I want them to do. And so now there is this pile of stuff that has been mashed, fired, sanded and still waiting for painting and assembling.  I am so hoping it will come close to what was in my head …this process is very very different from the 2D work but in some ways,

it is more exciting or maybe it is because I am still so new to this medium!

"Catch the Wind"  Donovan

But sometimes I just need to scream at the top of my lungs….stop it!

I have no idea why I think I need to maintain quasi-family relationships with those I really do not know and have opposing political opinions. When I get frustrated and angry with them… some sideline “do-gooder” pleads, “but they are family”.  Because they are family, I should relinquish all of my feelings and be subjected to their insulting political memes?  I appreciate everyone’s opinion, in fact, I love hearing/reading them even if I do not agree, but reposting asinine memes takes no time, or thought which and is exactly how I feel when I get sent another negative Republican meme.  If it is not worth your time or thought to develop your own opinion, it lets me know right away, it is not worth my time to read, “click like” and “share”!  I have a delete button, and I use it aggressively!  But sometimes I just need to scream at the top of my lungs….stop it!

"No No No" Paolo Nutini

...sober without Sisters...what was I thinking?

Dying is not for sissies!  And I am not talking about the being sick part, the legal part is just as, if not more overwhelming at times than the illness itself.  I guess the good news is once it is done, it is done, unlike the illness. It is another one of those things, filing things like a Power of Attorney and a Quit Claim Deed at the county courthouse make perfect business sense. I understand these are the responsible things to do.  It will protect my assets (such that they are) and make the business of death so much easier for those that will be left with the actual business.  Every book I have read even the Hospice social worker recommended these things be done, they even said I would feel much better knowing my "affairs were in order". Bullshit, not one of them gave me any indication that there would be an unexpected emotional kick in the ass in the process.  The last time I had to do ugly stuff like this I had my sisters and a good bottle of wine.  What in the world made me think I was tough enough to do this on my own, sober without sisters???  And then there was the “Gimp” pass and my ability to drive. I had to go to another Doctor to evaluate and authenticate…by the way…I will still be driving for a little while and short distances anyway.  (Hospice will not sign for these kinds of things…who knew?) This has all come on the heels of a huge Medicare snafu on Friday… and that is a whole other, I want to hit someone, story! 

"Drive My Car"  The Beatles

...and then there is this....again... DAMN

And as quickly as it goes away…it comes again and the ugly continues…

".....with dignity"  Sufjan Steven

A smoking hot body....

Yes…I know how tacky this is…but sometimes ya’ just got to laugh.  After spending the day preparing legal papers to be filed on Monday.  I am just “over” it.  The business of death and dying is full of files and forms and contracts and certificates and downloads and a shit load of other things I don’t even know exist yet, but I am sure I will be smacked up side of the head with a few more….they do not teach this in school!  This is truly “seat of the pants” life experience!  A smoking hot body would sure make me feel better about all of it!

"Strip Me" Natasha Bedingfield

Confessions of an Instant Gratification Junkie...

As an artist, I  proudly strutted my instant gratification.  How many people in this world really have the joy of seeing and experiencing the tangible proof of their labor?   

As an art business owner, it was not just the instant gratification of creating, it was a necessity if you want to get paid! I was doing what I loved, seeing it come to fruition, having others admire it AND getting paid for it!  How amazing is that?  However, as a mother, wife, and homeowner, it was a different story. I tried but it was hard, every time I cleaned, folded, vacuumed, scrubbed, cooked, mowed, pulled weeds, took out the garbage etc., etc. it was undone by the end of the week (or the day), no one admired (they expected and never said thank you) and I did not get paid either! …So, I focused on my art and business…I liked the instant gratification and it was so much more lucrative and personally rewarding. It is where my own damaged ability to have a sense of value and self-worth was finally born.

I bring all of these beliefs to my current compromised life which is not exactly what I had planned on. I am at home 24/7 with all of the same mother, wife, homeowner chores that have to be done week after week but one big change, no more little people to immediately undo all I have done. But I still crave the tangible accomplishments from my old life. I have and overwhelming need to hang on to my self-worth and that amazing instant gratification junkie high is how I did it all of this time!  I think this may be one huge component of my current “energy management”/"self-worth"  frustration.  

This body no longer allows me to set schedules or finish “my projects” (art, home, yard) in a manner that I get my instant gratification…in fact it robs me of any joy of my achievements.   I end up berating myself for having such simple little things take me such a friggen’ long time all while I am advised by hospice and family to slow down, I am doing too much!  I feel like I rarely finish anything in a reasonable amount of time, how the hell do I slow down from that without literally sitting down and doing nothing?  I rattle off to Skip (and myself) every evening when he gets home, the list of everything I did that day trying to convince him... and me... that I still have value. 

This overwhelming struggle I am having with “energy management” I now suspect is irrefutably connected to my instant gratification junkie addiction!  If you are waiting for my big ah-ha moment…here it is…I have a horrible instant gratification addiction...and I like it!   After all of this time and overwhelming frustration with my personal energy management I am just now beginning to identify some of the problem..But, I have absolutely no idea what the answer will be!     

"I'm Here, I'm Not Here"  Julia Stone

What the fuck is “too much”?

Had my weekly checkup yesterday and the “yuk” of the past couple of weeks have either settled into my new normal and/or have gone away (the crappy cold I caught)!  I count that as a good!  But no visit from my nurse seems to be complete without my weekly finger-wagging speech about doing too much.  Under my breath, the question is always… what the fuck is “too much”?  If I can do it, is it too much?  I mean...the alternative seems to be to sit quietly, do nothing and hope like hell it will help me live longer!  I am who I am!  I have already given up Art Festivals and teaching because I understood and had serious physical symptoms that keep me from doing them.  It is not that I am not aware of what this heart and body can do...hell I have to live in it!

I am not giving into this disease.  It is going to do what it is going to do.  I cannot fight or beat heart failure but I can choose not to lay down and allow it to take over my entire life...it has robbed me of enough already!   I am not stupid I know how to be careful, but I am still living my life! 

"I would rather have 2 weeks of wonderful than a whole life of nothing special.” Steel Magnolias

"Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" The Beatles

Does it really matter where I get my “feel good” as long as it feels good?

Got the IKEA organizing “bars & buckets” up.  Quite frankly I cannot pronounce what they are officially called in the catalog, but they were inexpensive and they already look and work great!  Getting all of the boxes of sewing paraphernalia off of the desktop

and adding another light…aughh…is there ever enough light anymore?

Yes, I know, oodles of wonderful rehabbing, updating, organizing, repainting the house, replacing the chimney, …one of my dear friends ratted me out when she knew exactly what I was doing, “getting my house in order”…and she is right about that. I understand that when my insides feel so crappy there is a great deal of need to “fix” the outsides, but it works, and it does feel so much better.  Does it really matter where I get my “feel good” as long as it feels good?"

"Fumbling Towards Ecstacy" Sarah McLachlan

Wonderfully Empowering!

Little “jewels” like this one slip into my life, of course, there are a lot more and more often with the advent of the internet!  But I am grateful for each of the little pearls.  I am never sure exactly which ones are really based in fact, but most of them are worth thinking about!

This one was surprising, and perhaps even answered a ton of my own questions.  This is not to say I am blaming my parents for my own shortcomings.  I suspect they did what they felt they needed to do.  Although I will confess the focus of their attention was rarely on the children. A very unhealthy mother that left me when I was young followed by a second round of parenting that only doled out attention when it benefitted their social standing, or we had misbehaved.  I was personally accused of breaking up my family, not being pretty enough, too fat, and constantly told I was to do nothing but be quiet and stay out of the way, I had caused way too many problems for them already.  All may have been true, but in today’s world what I endured may have been classified as emotional abuse.  I have battled self-worth my entire life, but not absolutely certain that most of us do not have some form of that “demon” working in our backgrounds! 

The long and the short of this quote may be just recognizing where my raging lack of self-worth may have come from, realizing there is nothing that can be done to undo it and finding the courage to live in the NOW and celebrate all of the good I have accomplished on my own.  I think we all may be, to a certain degree, products of our pasts…but realizing we can do something about it is wonderfully empowering!

"More-o-That"  Eric Bibb

That is what the storms are about!

The storms….AUGHHHH!  The storms used to be occasional and unexpected, now they are almost predictable!  The biggest issue I have to face on a fairly regular basis is “Am I willing to physically pay for my choices?”  Sometimes the answer is unequivocal…YES!  And so…. I cannot complain about how my body is revolting to last week’s amazing Nude Nite.  Used to be I would have a 50/50 shot of coming through unscathed, now not so much! On the backside of a BP "lockdown" spike which does seem to be sliding back down into “my” normal range but still nursing a nasty cold that came on precisely at the 7 to 10 day viral incubation period that apparently is the result of the steroids compromising my immune system. So, some shake their heads and ask why would I risk it?  Because it is who and what I am, and Nude Nite is an amazing annual celebration of the human body and I might not get another chance to be a part of it.  Some things are worth the storms, they make me stronger by reminding me of who and what I am.  That is what the storms are about!   

  "Beauty in the World" Macy Gray

Lockdown

I do admit that it is a bit melodramatic, but when I am confined to the house and little or no activity, I might as well be in lockdown.  The hardest part of this disease is not knowing.  I know that sounds ridiculous and it is hard to explain.  As I have said a bazillion times I am so lucky that heart failure has little pain (not like cancer).  What it does have is overwhelming and frustrating exhaustion!  And to make it even more difficult this fatigue is not constant.   What is not functioning today, may function tomorrow and vice versa.  There is no early warning system. So, I had the most phenomenal 3 nights at the Nude Nite Exhibition, would not have missed them for anything, loved them, had a great time but apparently, the “payment” has come due.  The heart numbers “ratted” me out on the weekly nurse visit, although in my own defense I had no idea.  I knew I was a little “tired-er” but not to this point.  The question that is a constant swirl in my head, as well as nurse Ed’s is what and when is “living” well?  Lockdown is precariously close to my quality of life red line!  The lockdown good news...I got the income taxes done!

"Shake Me Like a Monkey"  Dave Matthews Band

Never too late!

This pretty much sums it up.  I am very aware of how many people just do not get me and it really is ok…well it is now. 

There used to be a time where I felt like I needed 100% approval from 100% of all the people all of the time.  When I first accepted the premise, “no one would like me all of the time” it should have been very freeing, but I felt part of my personal growth process was to learn why they did not like me. I spent hours of my life examining them, examining me and the hopes I could fix it. But the best I could come up with is we were different. No one needed to be "fixed".  None of us are all bad or all good (well maybe every now and again I would run up on an all bad, in that case, you just run like hell in the other direction). There is no such thing as 100% anything! Every now and again there may be a fleeting moment of it, that is only if we are lucky enough to recognize it when it zips by, but it will not stay.  Husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, friends, and neighbors will never agree or understand each other all of the time.  The only thing I have to understand is if and when the relationship becomes hurtful and toxic for me I need to hold it at arm’s length.  But I will never let go totally. I can never give up on the possibility that love can turn everything around at any moment…it is never too late!

"Never too Late"  Michael Franti

I think it is my superpower....wicked and grateful at the same time!

3+ glorious nights and days of Nude Nite have come and gone!  And my celebration of I can do it, creativity, a wonderful smidgen of naughty, and art of every possible medium, but with a single theme, has now entered into recovery mode with yesterday’s full day nap!

Thanks to all of my friends and family that truly understand how important this part of my life is and facilitated all of my desires to be a part of it again!  I am so grateful! I think that is my superpower....wicked and grateful at the same time!

"Good Girl" Julian Moon

"F#(k" Heart Failure

Where else but Nude Nite….. could you be a part of an interactive installation?  A couple of years ago there was the most irreverently awesome confessional! I did NOT participate in that one…I just watched and strained to hear what was being said behind the curtains of the artistic confessionals (and that is exactly why I did NOT confess) I was not the only one listening!  This “unburdening” was much more anonymous but not at the same time.  We wrote on then tore out “Funk and Wagnalls” Encyclopedia pages and threw them in the coffin to be burned on Sunday! I had not seen or heard of Funk and Wagnalls since the 70’s! I need for the"universe" to know and to see this disease is not going to destroy my spirit, I get that it will eventually claim my body and I have no choice about that…but my spirit and my love…that is MY CHOICE....Heart Failure cannot take those from me …although it tries to on a regular basis…Fuck Heart Failure, you will not win this one!

"The Secret of Life" James Taylor

First Night-Nude Nite 2019

  The art and the people there is just nothing like it....there is more coming this is just the first night!

....horrible paralyzing fear is always going to be a part of my journey

Delivery Day is like all of the bubble gum I have stuffed in the cracks of my life are beginning to give way!

The drive to the “Nude Nite” venue feels like a slow walk to the gallows. A litany of questions unravels inside my head, as I get closer and closer.

“Do I belong here?

"They must have made a mistake."

"My work is not good enough!"

"If I turn around now and run, they will never know it was me.”

At the venue….Without emotion or approval, they ask my name, have me sign the legal documents, and hand me a brown manila envelope with my name on it, it contains a lanyard and comp. tickets.  I gather up the paperwork and artwork and walk into the gallery area where no one notices me, it is a simple matter of fact business transaction of dropping off art.  The curators will make the decisions later where and how all of this artwork hangs and the Installers will set about the job of building pop up gallery walls, gallery lights and hangover 200 pieces of art for opening night in less than

36 hours. It is an amazing feat!

I go to the empty spot I was directed to and stand long enough to take a deep breath, before setting my work down.  I feel everyone in the room is watching and knows that I am just plain not good enough to be here! After I set my work down and unwrap it, I finally feel brave enough to lift my eyes and look around.  All of a sudden it is not about me anymore! I am surrounded by the energy of incredible artists, artwork, massive amounts of glorious unimaginable talent, images that take my breath away and a feeling of incredible satisfaction and belonging envelopes me. I am surrounded by magnificent creatives and their work and energy.  Like storm clouds clearing, my breathing slows and my heart calms. At that precise moment, I know this is exactly what I am meant to do.  This moment is what makes all of the fear worth it…It is that fleeting but so very real moment that I feel the universe wrap its arms around me and lovingly tell me…this is who and what you are. I am embraced in the "knowing" like a big warm hug. This is why I am alive.

This horrible paralyzing fear is always going to be a part of the journey.  I do not think I will ever get used to it. I just have to know it will be there every time I deliver artwork for an exhibition.  I have to do the work, show up and move through the fear.  For this, I am rewarded with the unquestionable understanding that this is who and what I am in the world.  This is the amazing gift of being an artist that I do not think most people will ever have the opportunity to understand….

"Naked" Lakshmi

Letting Go of Cetainties

And so do a whole bunch of other things…I am just now figuring this out!  I have been measuring my accomplishments, my worthiness and everything about me based on the certainties of how and what I used to be and what this body would do.

I get that creativity requires the courage to “let go” but I confess, there are very few of my works that have not been created without some of that certainty.  It could be the colors, the subject, the presentation that is created for the sheer need to be certain it will be liked. Even when I am pleased with my work, I stand back and wonder how much better it could have been if I did not care whether others liked it or would buy it or not.

This letting go of “certainties” is what I need to do a lot more of!  It is not like it worked that great in the past…why do I think I need it now???

"I Can't Make You Love Me"  Adelle

I do not even have to get a running start!

From day one I have had a “love-hate” affair with the “stuff” that identifies me as “sick”. Love...love…love when it helps me breathe, park closer, see who is at the door without getting up, stay longer-drink more at gallery openings.  Hate...hate...hate that I need them and that they identify me as weaker than.

There is another one...CRAP...  A ramp at the front door…NOT for me but for grocery wagon.  Trying to get in and out of the front doorstep

had gotten to be such a production.  Trying to muscle that wagon full of groceries over that step was a hysterical joke!!  Now I can go up, over and in and I do not even have to get a running start! Maybe it is not all bad, sometimes maybe even a little bit good...but just a little bit.

"All That We Let In"  Indigo Girls

...but I really liked my old software!

Pre-emptive computer crash…. First of all, I would like to make a declaration!  I am not a computer geek although I do know how to do a bunch of things.  I have a slow learning curve but once I’ve got it…I have got it.  This means that a 6-year-old laptop I have just now gotten a good handle on how, what, where, when to use it…FINALLY!  And then the son of a bitch begins to slow down, crash intermittently…all signs that the end is coming!  The rush is on to find an affordable replacement before I lose all of my files.  With the help of my amazing techno son. The new extremely affordable refurbished machine has arrived but apparently, I have no choice but to be forced into the world of updated software…but I really liked my old software and I knew how to use it! This is going to take another 6 years….at least!

 "Got to Get You into My Life"  Beatles

Pay Attention!!!

I have always adored Brian Andreas’s  “Story People”.  They/he just seem to know how to communicate simple and profound messages wrapped in non-threatening whimsy. This was a big one that dropped onto my FaceBook page.

#1  Yes my real life really SUCKS right now!

#2  I know complaining does not help…but sometimes…

#3  And…because I am a big believer in “synchronicity” what is happening has really smacked me upside the head!

So 3 does seem to be the magic number.

  

#1  Two of my small sculptures were juried into the Nude Nite Exhibition,

#2  I was asked to participate on the city’s Art House Expansion Planning Board (including a dedicated 3D building)

#3  A VOG art sister calls and says the Sculpture Guild has had a renaissance I should come check it out.

I think the universe maybe SCREAMING at me.  Pay Attention! "You cannot have what you used to have, that is gone forever, but here...here is a gift...physically "doable" new...different...challenging...creative...what more could  you possibly want?

 
"Carry On"  Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

a short leash....

Sometimes it can be just this simple.  As for me, I was always waiting for the time to be right,  until I had enough money...until the kids were older...until I was thin/pretty enough... until I was SURE I could not fail.  This was long before I learned there is no such thing as NOT failing. I made an almost full-time job out of concocting ways to not be perfect enough to be anything other than plain, unexceptional, and commonplace.  It was what I was taught to strive for, a life filled with no chance of failure.

All I have to do now is be brave enough which is pretty easy when you have nothing left to lose. So if failure and imperfection bother or offend you, you might want to step back, I have some time to make up for and I am on a short leash!

"In My Mind"  Amanda Palmer

Becoming "reversible"!

It is Monday morning, which really is not an excuse, but since it is available I will throw it out there as an underlying reason for this morning's conundrum.

After getting dressed this morning it took about a half an hour before I realized my pants were on backward!  My first horrified thought was how did my front side and back side become interchangeable?  AUGHHHH! However, In my own defense, there are a few extenuating circumstances, they are the “stretchy” variety of jeans and sometimes it is just easier to do the pull 'em up dance rather than engage with the zipper and button to get them on and off. But it is quite a shock when there comes a time when you truly need and expect to “engage” with your zipper and it is not there.  

I had to face the horrible truths.  And I am not sure which is worse, Am I just forgetting how to dress myself, or is my body truly becoming “reversible”?

"Ride This Out" Imaginary Cities

It’s a conundrum…but probably NOT what you think?

It’s a conundrum…but probably NOT what you think?  

I have decided it may be my last Nude Nite, and feel that a particularly outrageous outfit is in order!  I am not particularly wild about the style, it is rather ho-hum, but love the print of this quasi-coat.  I ordered it …from China…it did not come…it did not come…I emailed the company, the email was returned as undeliverable…. And I was broken hearted but it is why I use PayPal. I lodged a complaint, they intervened and I was awarded a full refund…I was so sad, but happy that I got my money back and the lesson to NOT order stuff directly from China!  

Then yesterday this arrived…from California..not China…no invoice, no return address!  WHAT!!!!  Have an email into PayPal to figure out what to do now…but I am itching to get at it with my scissors and sewing machine!

               "Details in the Fabric" Jason Mraz