As an artist, I proudly strutted my instant gratification. How many people in this world really have the joy of seeing and experiencing the tangible proof of their labor?
As an art business owner, it was not just the instant gratification of creating, it was a necessity if you want to get paid! I was doing what I loved, seeing it come to fruition, having others admire it AND getting paid for it! How amazing is that? However, as a mother, wife, and homeowner, it was a different story. I tried but it was hard, every time I cleaned, folded, vacuumed, scrubbed, cooked, mowed, pulled weeds, took out the garbage etc., etc. it was undone by the end of the week (or the day), no one admired (they expected and never said thank you) and I did not get paid either! …So, I focused on my art and business…I liked the instant gratification and it was so much more lucrative and personally rewarding. It is where my own damaged ability to have a sense of value and self-worth was finally born.
I bring all of these beliefs to my current compromised life which is not exactly what I had planned on. I am at home 24/7 with all of the same mother, wife, homeowner chores that have to be done week after week but one big change, no more little people to immediately undo all I have done. But I still crave the tangible accomplishments from my old life. I have and overwhelming need to hang on to my self-worth and that amazing instant gratification junkie high is how I did it all of this time! I think this may be one huge component of my current “energy management”/"self-worth" frustration.
This body no longer allows me to set schedules or finish “my projects” (art, home, yard) in a manner that I get my instant gratification…in fact it robs me of any joy of my achievements. I end up berating myself for having such simple little things take me such a friggen’ long time all while I am advised by hospice and family to slow down, I am doing too much! I feel like I rarely finish anything in a reasonable amount of time, how the hell do I slow down from that without literally sitting down and doing nothing? I rattle off to Skip (and myself) every evening when he gets home, the list of everything I did that day trying to convince him... and me... that I still have value.
This overwhelming struggle I am having with “energy management” I now suspect is irrefutably connected to my instant gratification junkie addiction! If you are waiting for my big ah-ha moment…here it is…I have a horrible instant gratification addiction...and I like it! After all of this time and overwhelming frustration with my personal energy management I am just now beginning to identify some of the problem..But, I have absolutely no idea what the answer will be!
"I'm Here, I'm Not Here" Julia Stone
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