Impromptu Art

I had an interesting and very fun session this morning  in the studio with a bottle of blue paint that I knocked off the shelf.  Plan A.... was to get out of my sweaty gym clothes in the laundry room (on the other side of the studio) where they could be immediately washed then sprint directly to the shower.  In theory, the plan was flawless until I wiped out a bottle of blue acrylic paint as I streaked through the studio.  Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately in this case), you cannot get paint back in the bottle once it is out.  Having just finished a good walk I had admired how wonderfully strong my awesome heart has been recently, so it seemed appropriate to use the spilled paint on me, and so I painted a big “S” for Super Woman - Super heart on my chest.  Of course that meant deliberately breaking into some red and yellow paint,too, but it just had to be done!  I have a kick-butt awesome strong heart! Now if I could only find a cape!  (and NO I cannot post the picture here!)

So scary!

I have gotten a serious lesson about “putting it out there”.  The first time this past week, after I had put it out there, I had second thoughts, fear and doubt about how much of myself I was allowing strangers to see.  But before I could make changes I was considering, it was released.  I felt like I was standing naked in front of a host of unknowns, at my most vulnerable.  The wonderful thing is that I have gotten nothing but nice comments one piece has already sold a month before the show opens and literally a ba-zillion or at least my 2 gig bandwith transfer, the point where site goes down.   Holy Crap!
So I have screwed up my courage and put my true, OMG feelings out there again, without a clue about how they will be received.  This is so scary.

Got any idea how awesome this is?

Got any idea how awesome this is?

Tickets for "Pairings" went on sale today!  My first solo exhibition since….well  you know.  So many ugly days passed when  thought I was never going to be able have my art and my life back, but here it is!  Here it is!  Here it is!  Keep pushing-Keep pushing, I can never give up who I am and why I am here, ever again!

I get knocked down but I get up again, and I am dancing!

Marvelous Rhythm!

Life has a rhythm, and sometimes I need to pay more attention!  I let a dear artist friend slip out of my life several years ago.  Our paths seem to separate when his entire collection of art, more than 10 years of work was purchased by a major museum and his career took off on a course most artists can only dream about.  While I was still dragging my art and a tent all over the southeast, selling one piece at a time, he and his work were sky rocketing.   We lost touch and all of those wonderful conversations and shared experiences about art, creating and (augh….) art marketing slipped away. 

I did not realize how much I missed those brilliant exchanges. 

Then today, like no time had passed, our lives, art and awesome conversations began again, just like we had talked to each other last week.   We are both back in the studio, approaching the art from a new perspective, and learning how to say “no” to other people’s expectations of what art should or should not be. 

Marvelous rhythm!

find some way to break the rules...

“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady.  I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there.  And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.”    –Nora Ephron

I let fear and disgusting amount of “proper-ness” slip into my life.  It has taken the death of a phenomenal female writer/director to remind me that neither my life nor my work will be better served by following other people’s ideas.   This revelation is just in time, as I am getting ready to do some serious editing to my next exhibition.  

Mediocrity serves others, but never serves me or my work.

Debby, it is time for you to move on...

4 days of rain...
OK-OK
That is enough!
Please stop it!

Lots of Balls in the Air….

Whew…can I keep them all up?

Artist Way Group in full swing, and beginning to get the group exhibition A.K.A.  Celebration of Creativity off the ground.  Boxes of boxes delivered!  Black Foam Board on the way and a mess of creatives chomping at the bit!  Still lots and lots to do! 

LCA Music and Art Pairings exhibit is moving slower.   Some of it my fault, other issues from the frame supply wholesaler, what a disaster. Catalog just about ready for the printer.  Tons of framing still to do not to mention packing to ship.   I can see some last minute all-nighters in my future. And I still do not have a firm installation date, YIKES!

Feeling good about stepping back up into a full schedule, but will confess it is much much more physically difficult than I had planned.

The real trick is going to be..... keeping all of these balls in the air!

This one was just too good!

Because she chooses…

If you stacked my good choices against my bad choices, the bad choices would surely tower over the good ones!  My life has been ever so much more exciting because I have made so many “bad” choices!  Those bad choices, hold the best memories and the greatest lessons of my fantastic life!

I do not regret any of my choices!

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Should have this one tattooed to my fore head! 
Living from emotions and heart, not always a good idea. 
I just do not know how to do it any other way, and I am not sure I would if I could.  
The unbridled giggleing  is worth the hurt.

Revealing my Feelings….

This is harder than it seems, some days I am better at it than others.  It is not just the difficulty of discovering and then revealing feelings, but how and who to reveal them to.

A very few have the strength to listen, most are afraid and none will understand what this truly feels like until they have been here.  And I would not wish this on anyone. 

Revealing my feelings means risking relationships. 

Celebrating!

Celebrating a friend’s good news,  celebrating a perfectly beautiful day.  Celebrating how incredibly fortunate I am to have so many wonderful people in my life.  I spend so much time and energy trying to forget, and then one quick fleeting event opens that ugly door and reality floods in and it is overwhelming.   It is horribly overwhelming, and I forget to celebrate all that I have. 
   Not celebrating years, celebrating days,  every day, every day, every day!

thought Monday would never end....

It went on and on and on and every hour that passed brought on new sets of problems.  I felt like I was stomping out fires the whole day.  It was one of those days that there was NO forward movement, all energy expended did nothing but MAINTAN or repair existing….Makes me think just how much of this  is worth spending my time, money and energy on.

It's a Fat Feet Day

Fat feet do not hurt, although they feel really weird.
Fat feet do not hurt, but they look incredibly disgusting.
Fat feet do not hurt, but it is a crappy reminder that my heart is struggling.
Fat feet do not hurt!

The Life that is Waiting...

I have always held hard and firm to this kind of creative free thinking, but am finding if more and more difficult to walk away from the old familiar life and plans. 

When life is running smoothly “letting go of the life I had planned” was a very easy and seductive statement.  But when it turned upside down,  I found myself running straight for all of those unreliable things that I had already stepped away from. Security, acceptance, and approval …….from everyone, but myself.

In rare spurts of clarity I recover small pieces of the past me but it is coming so uncomfortably slow and in weak moments that  find myself gravitating back  towards depending on others  for my security, acceptance and approval.

I know that I must be willing to get rid of my old life to move forward, but I want, NO I need, to hold on to some of my old life.  The woman that was invincible against all odds.  The woman that was physically strong, the woman that was emotionally formidable, not caring what others thought.  She had total control of who and what she let into her heart. 

Or given the current situation, I have to wonder is this what broke my heart?

I wonder if I should be heading back to the hard impenetrable emotions of my past life, or continue to leave myself vulnerable,  stripped and wide open for pain,  doubt and uncertainty to walk in.

 What kind of life is waiting for me?

little girls cry, big girls say....

And I seem to be caught between the two….
I want to scream fuck…. just as soon as I finish crying.  All of the control I thought I had over my own life and emotions  have been seriously tested and I find myself in a ridiculous struggle with me.  This is not what I had planned and certainly not what I expected.

Damn!

I will not live in fear anymore!

I want a whole life.
not this stunted partial version of a life.
I will not live in fear anymore!

I am going to seize my days as fully as this heart and body permit,
I want passionate living to open me fully
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to open my heart until I become completely uninhibited,
free of doubt and worry.
I will not live in fear anymore.

I choose to risk my significance;
for a chance to experience a whole life,
full of unbridled strength, love and happiness.

I will not live in fear anymore!

Pay No Attention to the Woman Behind the Curtain

The other night among creative friends, we played an interesting card game.  It was more than a game and I have heard people talk about these kinds of cards, but never really felt compelled to participate in that kind of “tarot” like fortune telling.  As we went around the circle drawing cards and then reading and discussing the interpretation, I was absolutely astounded in how accurate the cards and the explanations seemed to be.

It was my turn, and I drew a right side up wolf.   The interpretation was a teacher, a teacher?  I thought that was interesting, but not so sure it was correct.  The truth is I do something that looks like teaching, but I never saw it as that.  For the most part I use Julia Cameron’s description of what I do, “facilitator”.  Facilitator made so much more sense.  I cannot teach anyone how to be creative, they already know .  I gently and safely facilitate their journey to the path of their own creativity and happiness.  I only help them see what is already there.  For the most part I feel like once a year we all go on a journey to the Wizard of OZ, where at the end Dorothy finds out all she had to do was click her heels and speak out loud what she wanted.  The power was within her all along.

Throughout the summer, new creatives will often compliment and thank me for what I do. Although I truly appreciate the accolades, my first reaction is like the exposed wizard in the movie hiding behind the curtain.  We are both desperately manipulating levers, and buttons frantically searching for the magic combination that will produce a big “ta-da” moment in life,  while sternly announcing,  “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”.

The wolf card says I am a teacher…
Julia Cameron calls it a facilitator;
I  just call it a creative.
I have the same fears and am just as scared as everyone else in class.  The only difference is I expose my fear and failures so others will see the grief and the joy of being an artist.  When I fail, when I succeed, it will give others the courage to do the same,
I just do it out loud.

Teacher?

Facilitator?

Pay no attention to the woman-teacher-facilitaror behind the curtain!
But watch the creative!

As the creative is carefully watching for her own teachers, past and present that will take her to that place in the world where  she is suppose to be.

Sunset and a Blue Moon...

Every once in a blue moon
the most phenomenal things can happen!

VoG Women Celebrations

It is seldom the big events of life that stick with me, but the small miracles and little celebrations that prove to be my life’s defining moments.

We have all walked together the past few years passing through unspeakable tragedies and remarkable successes.  Last night was like coming home to welcoming arms! 

Recently our friend had to move from her home she had loved and lived in for 17 years.  While she was there, she had shared the ownership with a special few, when she invited  us to come paint her fence and celebrate the creation of a new garden.   She is warm, loving, talented, supportive, honest, open, vulnerable and strong all wrapped up in a singular spectacular package.

She had to give up her little home and magnificent garden to make major life course corrections, and moved  into a small apartment,  bestowing  on those that loved her,  all of the treasures of that wonderful little garden that she could not take with her to the small gardenless apartment.  Her, bells, candles, plants, and precious ceramics all found new homes in each of our separate gardens and the memory of that special night that we painted her fence stayed alive in our hearts and imaginations.

It seemed so right that all of those garden gifts she shared with each of us return home to her as she begins this new part of her life in her brand new home with a brand new garden.   

And, so they did.   

I am reminded how lucky I am to have these extraordinary women to laugh with, grieve with, cry and celebrate life with.

Welcome home Elle, welcome home!

Outside the gates...

Do not tell me…

what I cannot do... This heart, this body is well suited for telling me what I can and cannot do and right now it is telling me to push harder than I (my family, my friends and the doctors) ever thought possible. It is telling me to live now, live every moment to its fullest and embrace every incredible miracle! My physical heart may have some limitations but my emotional heart and my life are limitless. I will not lie down and quit, I will not waste my life regretting what I did not do! Do not tell me what I cannot do….not now!

One

Life....

5 more things....

I am grateful for

1.        AMAZING creative friends!  Not only talented,  but an absolute blast to be around.  How did I get so flippin lucky!?

2.       SISTERS…..whew!  Can never have enough, and I have the best! 

3.       My little studio, crammed full of colors and fun stuff, memories of what I used to be and the promise of what can still be!

4.       A husband that does not expect crappy “wifey woman” stuff.   If house chores and cooking don't get done because I am in the studio working (or having a bad day) NO BIG DEAL….

5.       And again - and always….my incredible heart!

Screwing Up My Courage!

Knees are shaking, heart is pounding…
This year’s summer Artist’s Way group is about to begin and my first thought is to run like hell to a safe hide out.  I worry that I will not have enough breath to talk as much as I need to especially the first class, when it is all me. 
I wonder how many of the new members of the group, will notice. 
Or will they care?
Can I be as candid, outrageous and enthusiastic as I need to be?  Can I still dance, sing and laugh like I used to? 
Can I let go of all of my fears and ego to embrace my own creativity enough to guide them back to theirs?
I have mourned the loss of the life I knew waiting patiently for a new life to miraculously appear…
It has not….
I am the one that allowed heart failure to take them away from me and now I want them back! 
It is time for me to screw up my courage and go get my life!

My Imagination...

I want to run away, hide from the world, dance on the deck under a full moon, skinny dip at sunrise, read silly books in deep comfy chairs, make sweet passionate love, sip wine at sunset and let the real world pass me by without  knowing I am here.
                                                                                My once in a "blue moon"!  

A Week in the Studio...

The house is a mess, weeds have taken over the flower bed, I have not cooked a thing in days (this is a good thing!), folded clean laundry stacked, but not put away and it does not bother me one bit!

I have nasty methylcellulose (from the wet layered papers) stuck in places on my body it should never be, and a cloud of chalk dust that follows me around like Pig-Pen in the Charley Brown comic strips.

Between paper layers drying, I’ve sung and danced (badly) to The Beatles, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Van Morrison, Led Zeppelin, Chicago , etc. as it blasts through the house (surprised the neighbors have not complained…yet)

The studio smells like an industrial “haz-mat” area from all of the spray fixative

I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs to all of my doubt and fear.

“Look out world…...SHEEEEEEEES BACK!”

There is NO drug in this world that could give this life back to me!

I had to figure it out alone...It had to be me...It is me!

Renaissance

"Play Me"

Ideas and work are exploding in my heart, head and studio.  For such a long time I have avoided going back to the layered paper pastel.  I did not want to fall back into the “it’s all about the marketing art production” and for all of the years I worked in the layered papers it required hours of standing on my feet.  I did not feel I like I would ever do this again.  My acts of creation have always been upright and active, I convinced myself that I could not do it any other way and grieved the loss.  How empowering to discover ….I can… still do it!


"You are the sun, I am the moon
You are the song, I am the tune,
Play me"             Neil Diamond

Blowing My Own Horn



"It's Complicated"

So much healing available to me when I am willing to look at my whole life, not just the “pretty”, “did it right” parts.  For the very first time ever, I am blowing my own horn and exposing the dark crooked places in my own heart, to me.

5 more things...

5 More Things I am Grateful for…

1.       My 2 wonderful sons, they have grown into such amazing men, and I am so proud of everything they are and will continue to accomplish in their lives.  Don’t know what I did to deserve the honor that brought them into my life, but I am so incredibly grateful!

2.       Another pile of dirty laundry (I hate laundry) but that pile of dirty clothes is a visual/physical reminder of the amazing living that was done this week, and I am grateful.

3.       My most magnificent heart, that even under the most difficult situations continues to do an awe-inspiring job of supporting my body and receiving glorious love.  I am grateful!

4.       The exciting new opportunity of an exhibition in August to create and show my art works.  That people still believe in me and my art work still has value.  I am grateful!

5.       My friends and family that love me, that I know are there to pick me up when I fall, but stand out of my way and let me fly.  There is no bigger gift they could give me and I am more grateful than any of them will ever know!

Next...

Just finished another semester,  the painted baby grand piano is finished and has had an exciting very successful unveiling with jazz singer Miss Jacqueline Jones, and the grand children have come and gone. 

The last 2 weeks were brutally busy!

What most people do not understand, and what no one tells you…. is how much unbridled energy comes from the doing! (NOT conserving my energy!)  Yes- it is hard….Yes-there were 4 times (that I will admit to) breaking down and crying that I just could not do this anymore, Yes-there were frustrating  times that I fell out and slept for hours in the middle of the day but the biggest YES of all….. I did it anyway!

Looking forward to summer and all of the exciting things I will be doing NEXT!

Wings & Pitch Forks

If an angel earns her wings every time a bell rings, Then I truly qualified for a pitchfork every time the text message signaled. Wicked wicked fun, the most I have laughed in years. The first time anyone has seen me as a real (not sick) person in what feels like forever. OMG…. I so needed this!

Holy Shit!

Fear is a Really Crappy Place

The hardest part about heart failure is….where I let the pain take my head.   Fear is a really crappy place.

I want her back

My well  worn  art show chair, a glass of pinot, a rising full moon, and a heart full of memories and my imagination should be soaring forward.  But, I am finding it is so much easier to drift backwards when I was confidently clear about who I was and where I was going.   Where is that Cheryl, I want her back!

That Cheryl  would never be afraid of teaching a new class; she would be reveling in anticipation.   I want her back.
   
That Cheryl would be dancing in moonlight celebrating a new exhibition opening  not second guessing herself, scared to death. 
I want her back!  Damn it, I want her back!

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Screwed up my courage and stepped on- or-over so many traditional boundaries yesterday that I have certainly set a record somewhere! 
It was terrific… 
So…. here is what I figured out in one afternoon
There is a huge amount of energy and power in doing what scares me. 
Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Nap Attack!!!

Getting to be a part of a dear creative friend’s  preparations to “launch” on to the art show circuit was a hoot!  Quite by coincidence, she bought a tent just like mine.  We had a tent virgin practice set up, in the front yard that involved wrestling  with “miles “ of canvas and retractable poles  not to mention all of the little tips and tricks  Skip and I have learned over the years including how to build the infamous Evans' Art Show Lanai….. so many grand stories happened behind our tent!   I had great fun watching them begin this adventure and for just a little while, I lived vicariously through them, but it also reminded me how much I loved and miss this life.

Could have been the belly laughs as we set that tent up for the first time or the bout of feeling sorry for myself  when they left or a combination of both,  but I was attacked by a nasty nap that snuck up on me …... I hate when that happens!

When the Past Catches Up....

For the most part, my past and the people that are in it, have followed me right through to the now.  No secrets, it is what it is.  But, through Facebook an old high school friend (actually much more than an old friend) and I have reconnected.  For a few minutes as I read or type, I feel like I am 16 again, with all of the memories and excitement of a giddy teenager.  As we exchange information about how our lives moved on, our parents, our children, spouses and jobs, I wonder are there rules about telling someone that you have a chronic terminal illness.  hmmmm?
Is it important?
Will it scare them?
Will I feel less than?
Do they care?
Is it too personal?
And….how the hell do you even start that conversation?????
Someone really does need to write a rule book on this! 

(For the record, I have decided not to, because at least in one person’s eyes, I am still whole and….I like that!)

New Batch of Stick People!

Problem With Perfection

Perfection is a standard that other people set. 
A standard that insures the rest of us feel inferior.

There will always be those who work hard to create images of perfection.  They become thinner, smarter, richer, and more successful, not because they need to be more perfect, but they need others to feel less perfect.  

Exploiting my imperfection is how some will exert power and control over me.

I can be “not” perfect without giving away my power.
I am not perfect and it is OK!

I Am NOT a Patient...

Even Webster knows...
Patient-(noun) a person who is under medical care or treatment.
Patient-(adjective) bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.

I am NOT a patient;

I am a person that is no longer patient with today’s medical industry!

I am a unique impatient person with a happy secret! 

If only my docs and nurses knew,

I am not a patient!

Crash Test Dummy!

I have a squeaky clean driving record, my friends have been accusing me of driving like an old grandma, long before I really was an old grandma! I typically respond to this accusation by snapping back, oh yea…how many tickets/accidents do you have. Not too witty, but it makes my point.

I was in an accident yesterday, I am not hurt, neither is the other guy. By the way…I was at a stop light, stopped when the guy hit me, from the back! What I need to grouse about is the police/insurance aftermath (and we are not to the repairs yet).

The accident happened less than 2 blocks from the police station, I could see their building from the location where we pulled off the road to wait their arrival. It still took 20 minutes for them to arrive, hummmmm? OK-OK there could have been more serious business for them to take care of somewhere else but then 3 different cops show up, whaaaaat? One writes up the accident report the other 2 are very busy on their cell phones…..it was NOT police business. An hour and a half later he has meticulously filled in the police report, by the way he does have excellent penmanship, he has typed both of our license numbers into a laptop mounted on his motorcycle, to make certain we were not convicted felons on the lamb. An hour and a half????

The insurance company has been another eye-opening experience; every word I have said to them has been recorded. I have no idea what I am getting into. The other guy was ticketed for careless driving, but the insurance company says that “fault” has not yet been officially determined. Huh????? After the last couple of days, I am beginning to feel like I was the one at fault.

I am beginning to really feel like a crash test dummy.

5 things I am grateful for...

1. Some very scary, bad and raunchy pain is going away, whew!
2. I am finishing the last load of laundry…I know that does not seem to exciting, but last week I felt like crap and the dryer broke (I hate spending money to fix appliances that I would rather NOT be using at all). Skip & I were able to fix it ourselves and it works! And I am feeling good enough to DO laundry!
3. I am wearing a new-old shirt. I threw this shirt in the trash yesterday, I did not like it because it just did not look or feel good on me. Then I saw a Pinterest pin on how to recycle an old button down shirt, and I fished the shirt out of the trash and tried it! It worked!
4. I finished my anthropology essay on time and now I have a week of school off…Spring Break!
5. Could the weather be any better!

reality...

Pain is not a "thing" in itself; it is a sensation, which I have labeled as bad.  I think the hurting has been more emotional than physical; I have had such a wonderful few months full of energy and hope.  I was certain that I was going to be the only one to beat this.  Ugly sensations usher in reality and I am afraid.

An art show- is an art show- is an art show

Here we go, it's like dipping my big toe back in the pool. 
Although it is not really an  outdoor art show, it is outdoors and it is an art show and....
(here's the rub) it requires hauling a ton "of stuff". 
Loading very slowly about 1 heavy thing an hour....

but my stick people....are so much easier to carry than the old framed art!

Creativity

ALWAYS FINDS A WAY!

OK-OK.... If WE Get Caught-Here is the Story!

Embracing the Pain

I never question or avoid the positive experiences of my life that bring me joy and happiness, what if I did the same for the other emotions I fear so much, like pain, fear, anger, and loneliness?”


Emotions, whether they are uplifting and joyful, or sorrowful and scary—come to teach me. Once I began to surrender and embraced all of life and the lessons, I was able to let go of my tendency to seek someone to blame. The cycle of being the victim is slowly disappearing, and being replaced with my own growth and healing.

I am learning to embrace the darkness within my soul, all the while shining a light on it,

I can better see the depth and darkness of my pain.

It shows me where the source of my suffering resides: It was in me all along.

I am going with the flow that life offers.

I am learning a new way of coping, and I let myself feel the course of life.

I am embracing the pain and suddenly it isn’t so painful.

And He Still Is...

My father would not have been particularly proud of my recent behavior, but sometimes it feels good to break the rules and exhibit totally unlady like behavior!

At a recent art fundraiser, in my home town I was one of the special guests.  That is short for donating art work and then showing up to the event in hopes that my stuff will sell better and raise more money. (In this instance it worked!) 

During the course of the evening as I was introduced as the guest artist that I had indeed grown up here, one of the dinner patrons loudly interjected that I was also the daughter of one of the best architects Leesburg had ever known.  I raised my fork in the air and shouted back "and he still is." 

Not so much bad manners as a proud daughter!

Gratitude-less-ness

or

why I automatically “filter” out the marvelous blessings I experience everyday

I find it interesting, but mostly frustrating…that regardless of what or how much I have, I find myself focusing on the negativity of not enough and wanting more.

Why do I automatically “filter” out the marvelous blessings I experience everyday?
I do not think about the clothes I have on unless something pinches or I am not comfortable in them. Gotcha! I bet you weren’t even aware of what you were wearing until I just mentioned it? When the clothes fit physically and are suitable for what I am doing, I become totally oblivious and subconsciously unaware of what I have on. That is until there is some irritation or I see another really cute outfit I think is better. Then without my conscious permission my brain automatically begins to focus on the negativity, discomfort, and/or lack. The same seems to happen with my art, health, family, home, car, yard, and on and on and on.

I involuntarily screen out all of the absolutely wonderful things that are around me, in me, or on me and actively seek out the negatives I need to change, fix, optimize or rearrange. The “why” I continually did this was driving me nuts! Well hang on, here comes a huge AH-HA moment! There may be an anatomical answer for some of this "gratitude-less-ness".

WHEW! It’s not all my fault!

At the base of the brain, we all have a little screening device called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). I am not a scientist or doctor, so bare with me. The RAS is a group of cells at the base of our brains that allow us to tune out background noise when we are reading, to not really see billboards while we are driving, and not hear normal neighborhood noise as we fall asleep. In other words, without our RAS, we would be overwhelmed with input, and unable to function beyond simply processing our own environment.

I had no idea what the Reticular Activating System (RAS) was much less that I could have any concious influence in controling it. This tid-bit of critical information was not part of any science 101 class, or found in any of the bazillion self help books I have invested in, or any doctor’s office I have ever been to. I, like most of us equate brain function with stomach function. In other words I can control what goes in, but once it was there, the innate bodily functions take over and I have no conscious control of how the food or information is processed. So it came as quite a surprise, when I found out that simply being aware of the things this curious little group of RAS brain cells is normally blocking from my awareness could be a big part of why it takes such a conscious effort to be grateful. Just as mothers hear the slightest “peep” from their babies over many other louder sounds, can I choose to hear more gratitude and inspiration by simply over riding my RAS and allowing the good “noise” to rise to my conscious level?

It’s a Fine Line

Sometimes it is true, If you ignore it will go away, but here is the rub….It always comes back!

When I ignore the disease and function like a “normal person”, I get tired really fast and take more naps than I like, but in general I feel better about myself and my friends and family seem to be much more comfortable around me. However, the HF people worry and accuse me of denial. Believe me…I am disgustingly aware…I am not in denial!

Giving the disease free reign over my life constantly reminds me and others of my limitations. Modifying my activities does not always seem to “conserve my energy” as the nurses said it should. It just makes me feel like I really am sick and not whole… all of the time.

There is a fine line between thinking positively and ignoring the reality and I flirt with both sides on a regular basis.

Letting Go

I am learning to embrace the idea of letting go. Letting go of what no longer resonates with me, and nurturing the deeper "me" underneath all that, instead of trying to patch myself up in an attempt to become the new and improved old me.

Open Doors

There is a ton of evidence that supports Newton’s Law “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.

As some of my doors close….I am finding others are beginning to crack open. Thank you Leesburg Center for the Arts, Amy and Joyce, you will never know how much the chance to show my masks means to me.

The doors open, little by little, I just have to find the courage to keep walking through them.

whining......

The question I still cannot seem to find the answer to is, will I ever come to terms with the physical limitations and reoccurring illness imposed by a sick heart?
Will I ever really learn how not to surrender to the psychological effects?

Accepting the inevitable is easy when compared to living the every day details of a compromised life. I know and understand on an intellectual level that one of my biggest challenge is maintaining balance. I have learned that accepting limitations without becoming an invalid is a prickly crooked path. But, on days like today, it is so hard and incredibly lonely.

I Understand...

Frustrating only comes slightly close to describing how I feel right now, and I am obscenely aware of how much these feelings are most probably attributed to the amount of steroids I am now taking. 

I understand that I am whining!
I understand that I should be grateful for all of the awesome great days I have had.
        And I have certainly had more than my share!
I understand this is part of this and it is my challenge to live through it.
I need someone to understand how frustrating this is, I do not like it and I am so damn tired.

It has been a while!

Happy New Year!
It has been a while!
So easy to get caught up in the wonderful doings of  "day to day" during the holidays.  So I am guilty of not keeping up with the blog...ooops....

The New Year has had an exciting start, with an invitation to show some of my "Stick People" at a local art center. 

But have also gotten a swift kick in the ass, too.  Am slugging through another round of pneumonia!  I had the same problem last January.    hmm... there maybe a lesson here!  

This time I was able to negotiate myself out of a hospital stay, the last time hospital made me sicker rather than better so I am most hopeful for a much quicker recovery!  Crossing my fingers and taking my medicine. 

So...between the holidays, being sick and making new art I really have not found the time for any serious soul searching or writing.  Ah-Ha.......another lesson! 

Damn

Who is and Who is Not in Denial

They claim I am not accepting the reality of the situation. The nurses/doctors have politely accused me of denial. I have made some difficult choices and clearly spoken my choices over a great period of time, they just do not want to hear….Leading me to wonder exactly who is and who is not in denial.

move through it...

My Greatest Good!

I am on a magnificent journey! Joy, pain, love, and fear all bring me closer to achieving a life of meaning and I receive them all with open arms.
Everything happens for my greatest good!

Letting go of Ego

There is so much peace in letting go.
The more I let go, the more energy seems to be available to me!
I sure wish I had learned to do this a long time ago.
I am not letting go of life, I am letting go of a parasitic ego,
and seeking the abundant happiness and wisdom that has always been here waiting for me.

Being Busy...It is a Wonderful Thing!

Black Tails & Tennis Shoes (who but one of my sons?)
Between end of semester research papers and making hundreds and hundreds of handmade paper flowers for Jason and Stephanie's wedding, I just have not had much time to write! Is'nt it great! Most of the pictures in the video were taken by my most awesome 8 year old grandson, Oliver. He did a fantastic job! The song "100 years" was chosen by Jason for the Mother of the Groom/Groom dance and I cried like a baby! Stephanie's father is not with us and she chose instead for her first dance to be with all 4 of their children to the "Banana Splits"!
What a wonderful happy day!

There Will Be NO Cooking!

When I turn on the TV there is at least one cooking show on every minute of every day on some channel and it is portrayed as a fun and fulfilling experience that can satisfy your need to be creative and keep the family well fed and healthy.

My response to this latest entertainment trend is BULL $#!+! Where is the cooking program for the “I Hate to Cook” people? Where is the station that promotes the 3 ingredients or less recipes?

This year I am not celebrating Thanksgiving in the traditional way! I will indeed be giving thanks, but not by using every pot & pan in my tiny kitchen, cooking bad food all day, washing, soaking and scraping all night, then stuffing a refrigerator full of leftovers that will probably spoil before they are eaten and eventually be thrown out. And of course the worst part, the incredible guilt I feel because by the end of Thanksgiving Day I have truly hated the entire experience, and am anything but thankful.

This year I will be celebrating Thanksgiving with what ever family (or friends) are interested in spending time together, eating convenience foods and being grateful for all the blessings of this life.

There may be creative conversation, or funny stories, or painting, or parade and football watching.
But....there will be no cooking!

Important Things

Maybe I scare them?
One day...
I suspect they will see
How silly most of this life is and
How simple it really was to focus
on the important things.

Without Permission…

Taking my power back has been the most significant healing thing I have ever done for myself. Taking power back may be a new and difficult concept for some, but once you have it, it is a great thing that you will never let go of!

In the past I felt like I did make up my own mind, but I have learned that realistically I was so afraid of making the wrong choices that I culled opinions, listened to doctors/nurses and pled my case for public consensus before making a decision. I critically weighed all input, (seldom listening to my own heart) before making any major decision. In most cases I went with popular opinion or what the “biggest” expert recommended, and then grieved and doubted my decision. Each little choice kept me questioning myself and my own judgment wondering it I have done the right thing, and what will happen if I didn’t.

Not once did it occur to me that my real power comes only from listening to my own heart and my body.

I trust myself, I am perfectly willing to make mistakes and learn from the consequences associated with my decisions.

I am taking my power back, without permission!

strength...

Self Worth Comes from Within…

Well, that’s what the self help gurus say. What they fail to mention is how to go within and get it! They offer up gratuitous examples of how we lost our self worth, but no lessons or models of how to get it back. I chronically hear their eloquent declarations that it “comes from within” with the typical recommendation to regurgitate painful past experiences along with affirmations then reach up in there and whip out some self worth on command. They make it sound like it is as easy as finding a set of misplaced car keys with an electronic buzzer. Clap your hands, listen for the buzz, and follow the sound to the misplaced keys.
Self worth is not that easy.

In my case, mix some long term self worth issues, a terminal disease with the current bureaucratic red tape of the medical/Medicaid system and it creates the perfect no self worth storm. On the other hand, the only thing that I am absolutely certain of is that compared to what some other’s deal with on a day to day basis, my self worth issues are no more than a spit in the wind.

Self worth is just not important anymore.
I have opted for gratitude.
I am grateful for all that I have, all that I have had and all the wonderful opportunities to come. Gratitude does not require an excruciating walk through past painful experiences or chronic repetition of affirmations. I really do not want to waste anymore of my amazing life in a desperate pursuit of the egotistical concept of self worth when my heart is full of gratitude now?

I prefer, gratitude, simple gratitude.
Gratitude is easy.
Thank you!

augh......

set backs really suck!

Miss You Dearly...

It is a sad evening, and I just cannot seem to hold back tears any more as I feel 2 people that I know and love slip out of my life, one by choice and one loosing a long battle at the end of a wonderful life. As much as I hurt and want to go back in time, I know that cannot happen. I hope they will know how much more wonderful my life has been because they have been in it. I am grateful and wish you well on your next journey. I love you and will miss you dearly.

I want to...

I want to really really live.
I want to laugh til my stomach tightens and my face cheeks ache.
I want to cry from my heart and let the tears wash me to where I need to go.
I want to feel the music and dance wildly.
I want to love so deeply that even my cells quiver.
I want to know that I'm worthy
i want to leave fear way behind me.
I want to fall to my knees in gratitude for this gift of life I have been given.
...I know what a gift it truly is.

If I Could Trust

I have been afraid for so long now,
the idea of trusting myself seems foreign....
if I could trust...
if I can just trust myself and my body-
I just might learn how truly powerful I can be!

See me?

Why can’t I see me?
Why am I still chasing my purpose and asking why am I here?
Why can others see me more clearly than I can see myself?

Recognizing My Strengths!

How many times have I almost crumbled to the ground? It is time to stop, I am looking at how far I have traveled and all it has taken to get here, and recognize my strength. The strengths I have always had inside and the strength I’ve gained along the way. I am standing up, standing tall, facing forward, and gratefully continuing on.

Now

Now.... it is time to let go of fear and embrace my strength!

With My Whole Heart

Golda Meir said “those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either.”

I keep reminding myself that this is a balancing act. Surely the bad scary days will be equalized by great, full, and wonderfully creative days.

I have already cried….

the most authentic thing...

This one was so good I just had to re-post it here!

If I Ignore Fear?

I have an abundance of fear.
It is always hanging around me.

I’m grossly aware of it,
its heaviness,
its constancy.

There’s something in it that forces me, on what may be a spiritual level to consider that maybe, just maybe, it is a gateway to breakthrough, to blinding beauty, to realities yet un-imagined.

If I ignore fear, convince myself that it is irrational, pay no attention to its power, its message, its beckoning, will I miss something important; something true?

Could fear be what grounds me and draws me into the raw truth of life?
Can fear be not only important, but worthwhile?

Unexpectedly Weird

Unexpectedly weird is being blindsided by an emotion I never saw coming. Today I got one of those awesome “parking passes” you know the one? The blue tags that hang from the rear view mirror and let me park close to the grocery store door. Those are the parking spaces I have coveted all of my life, so I thought I would be absolutely ecstatic, finally I get the good spots!

The lady at the tag office pushes the parking pass across the counter, I loose my breath and all I can see is those huge horrible big white letters screaming at me (disabled). No grouping of letters has ever been this unexpectedly offensive to me.

Hoping the primo parking spaces will make up for nasty label I feel like I am now wearing.