Damn! 
So easily said but there are times that it feels so
impossible. A huge part of my own
personal “perfect imperfections” is to not only do and be sure about what I
want, (and by the way I am still working on that) but to be able to accomplish
that on my own. I know….I know…there are
those that love me, that want me to be able to ask for help, and oh my how I
have tried, but it is difficult, uncomfortable and inevitably results in my
giving away my power. I have got to be
able to do it on my own, to not have to depend on anyone or anything else. Success and/or failure are unapologetically
mine and mine alone….it is my own beautiful , rare, strong, perfect imperfection!
The part I hate worst about this…..is my body’s inability to
tolerate “real life”. It is not that I
go full tilt a whole lot, but every now and again, it is a good thing! It seems that my body is railing against even
the “every now and again”! And I hate
it! Granted…..a 3 night big art opening
is a bit excessive, but I was home every night before 11, limiting my drinks to
1 each evening, and perhaps one night of serious misbehaving. But is it fair that that adds up to diminished
kidney function and pneumonia? How am I
supposed to know what my limits are? I
felt great while I was misbehaving! And
here is the big question I have to ask myself (and answer) if I knew what the
limits were and I still wanted to do “it” bad enough, would I? It is one thing to take care of myself, but
when does that cross the boundary line and the illness takes over the joy and
fun of my life? That boundary line is sneaky…
There are many geological and astronomical things
that happen in this world. In the past,
earthquake, volcano, tidal wave, eclipse and other events were seen as sacred.
Sometimes things just drift into my life, unsolicited, but
they seem to be directed right at me and speak to my life and my heart. As I re-start my creative life, after a year
of physical struggle, this just seemed to have my name written all over it.
And…that is a good thing, especially on Monday
mornings! I bet this will not be what
you expect! Monday mornings are
not a bad thing for me….they are spectacular!
I have had the past few years of learning how to be alone! According to all of the “rules” alone is a
bad thing, unhealthy, damaging, unnatural, and anti-social behavior. Bull Shit!
It is not that I do not like people, I adore crowds at art exhibitions,
festivals, and teaching but, for short periods of time and then I need time to recover! I have
wonderful swaths of alone time to create
really stupid stuff, dance in my PJ’s,
sing really really bad and loud and to write about it…. with no one watching.... peppered with large, lots of people, creative events. When
the big events get too much I can leave and when I am lonely…technology has
given me the ability to reach out and have creative conversations. But Monday mornings, regardless of whether it
was just having another body in the house all weekend, or big events, I get to return
to alone and “me”(and it is a wild thing you just will not see it!).
Other than this blog,
I have been pretty silent about my heart. Recently I mounted an art exhibition
exposing women’s heart disease, and just posted this on FB. I think perhaps this may be part of why I am
here, my purpose in life. It is time I
speak out. Women’s heart disease cannot be about being old, feeling guilty, not
good enough, and unable to participate
in anything in life that I want to. I do not want to be ashamed of it any
more.
I have been at this for over 5 years now….you would think I had the program down by now. The most insidious thing about heart failure is that it always changes, and I do not mean long term expected downward changes but the daily roller coaster ride….not knowing if my heart is going to support my body and what I have planned for that day. Damn it is so friggen’ frustrating. But I am a survivor, and
