Outside my Comfort Zone

"Umbrellas"   2013 Leesburg Artist's Way Group Exhibition

I wish all of the answers were more clear, but maybe all I need to do right now is just keep putting me, my art and my creativity out into the Universe without any expectations.  

Facilitating the Artist's Way in Leesburg introduced me to a brand new group of artists.  This should not come as any news to me or anyone else for that matter.  However, I was quickly reminded after the first class that they were all new.  I cannot remember the last time I taught or facilitated a class that there was not at least one "repeater" and sometimes more.  It was comfortable for me to begin a new group with friendly recognizable faces.  This time they were all newbies, not one familiar face with approving nods as I work through the chapters each week. 

Tonight was wonderful and different, as this new Artist's Way Group installed their remarkable exhibition.  All of these new artists trusted and believed in me.  They followed my lead and created and reached way outside of their comfort zone. What they have created is genuinely remarkable!

They are teaching me that maybe outside of my own comfort zone is where I should consider spending  more of my own  time.

Do I have to decide NOW???

It is not hard enough to have one life situation that craves a decision, but several people, circumstances, and life all demanding I decide NOW.  

Who and what is creating all of this pressure to make these decisions? I will freely admit there is a possibility that a good part of it is coming, not from others, but from me. I am the one looking for the clean, simple, easy life, but there appear to be times that life is going to be messy no matter what I do.


What is worth my love, my heart and my life to try harder?  

When is it time to walk away, stand still or move forward?

in my heart...

Expectations & Reality

Expected a marvelous successful art show but the reality sucked!

There is no other way to describe it. All of the expenses, all of the preparation, combined with all of the physical and emotional investment needed to do an outdoor art festival are no guarantee for success.

Although it would be easier to point out the faults of the show organization, and the many egregious deficiencies that included, little if any marketing, lack of staff involvement, way to many and poor quality crafts and the inclusion of “buy sell” vendors, I must assume the responsibility. I have to step up to the plate and acknowledge my part in the failure and sincerely look for the lessons I need to learn.

First, I have to recognize that I chose to do this show. Years ago, after many failed local shows, I opted to move out of this market. It was a very successful and lucrative decision.  

Unfortunately the fear created by an old difficult experience of being hospitalized while out of town blinded me. I am afraid (and perhaps rightfully so) that it will happen again.  

I expected I could start new by continuing with my same old work, in an area I already knew was not going to work for me. My fear insisted that I stay close to home with work I knew would sell…. 

I failed anyway.

I have the experience and common sense to know better but fear of failure crept into my life and rational thinking disappeared.

I need to look at me realistically, what I can do, where I can do it, honor my life situations and make some big hard decisions about how and where I move forward with my art and my life.

And most of all I need to remember
I cannot move forward by repeating past successes.
I cannot move forward without RISK.

 

 

and...a fantastic Friday night!

The weekend is not over yet, but has already been full of ups and downs but Friday night was the bomb!

Art show tent set up was dicey at times, with the afternoon winds gusting to 20-25 mph.  A tent with all of that canvas is a square sail without a boat.  We had to keep the thing weighed down all through the "building" process, and those ugly unyielding weights ended up just being more crap to trip on and over! 

However, we gratefully escaped the forecasted rain.  The local news stations (all of them) predicted a 50% chance of heavy thunderstorms.  This is never an ideal situation for an outdoor art show and especially one that opens at night! 

Against all odds, the opening night was dry, calm and beautiful.  The lighted art tents were spectacular, the live jazz was across the lake (ummmm pond) which was great to listen to.  The music traveling over the water produced the most magnificent sound and at perfect volume.

Then I had a spectacular surprise.  A visit from a bevy of my greatest "art girls"  Tory had an early opening at Gallery 1350 West (which explains that "drop dead" gorgeous black dress and heals) and they all came from her gallery opening down to see me.  No way I could ever explain to anyone how excited and tickled I was to see them all!  Skip played bar tender pouring wine behind the tent and we celebrated ART like only we can do in the tent, well after the show officially closed!

Friday night was a phenomenal start to what I had hoped would be a fantastic weekend, but Saturday produced minimal crowds and no sales. I am discouraged but hoping tomorrow is much much better. 

Regardless of what happens next, no one can take away the joy of sharing art, dear friends and a fantastic Friday night!

Thank you all!

What the HELL is a spring chicken, anyway?

The last couple of weeks I have become disgustingly aware of the fact that I am just NOT a spring

chicken any more. Just not popping back up after being sick and to add injury to insult, I seem to have brewed up another totally aggravating situation. Whether it is age or HF or a combination there is no question about how much it sucks!  

And just for the record….. What the HELL is a spring chicken, anyway?

I am pretty close now!

Another round of pneumonia, another bad experience with the medical industry. Eventually I am going to learn how to do this by myself, and I am pretty close now!

Oh, if there was some way I could I just have 1 ounce of their energy

                                                                                                                                                               

Having spent the most marvelous, active, energetic, busy, never a dull moment weekend with all 4 of my grandsons (ages 5-9) I can honestly say, OMG.....! Even though they are extremely well behaved boys, they are after all, little boys. There are no words that can begin to express how truly blessed I am to be close enough in both distance and emotions to spend vacation weekends with my children their wives and the next generation of Evans’s (even if they are all boys!) Wonderful, cannot hold still for one minute, little boys. Oh, if there was some way I could I just have 1 ounce of their energy.

I found it!

Several weeks ago, while madly rushing and framing for an art festival my tinker bell disappeared. It is an interesting piece of jewelry. A sterling silver ball that fits in a cradle that hangs on a chain around my neck. The ball has some kind of mechanism inside that makes the most wonderful sweet sound. It is a unique piece that not only functions as jewelry but keeps my nitro and med-alert tag hanging around on the backside of my neck. I don’t have be reminded or look at it or hear it wrangle around my neck unless I need it.

It was a gift from a dear sweet friend and my business partner for many years. We closed our business many years ago when she was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease and I continued with the picture framing business on my own. After 3 agonizing years she died. 

The tinker bell has been a constant and chronic reminder of how strong she was, and in the past few years the sweet sound reminds me that I too can be that strong.   

When I lost it, I was crushed. Finally, I gave up the search and accepted that maybe it was just how it was supposed to be. Maybe it was time to let go of old difficult memories. It was time to move on, move into the future and let go of the past, the loss and the pain. And, when I gave up looking for it, it appeared!

I missed having it around my neck, and I am so happy to have it back. Thank you Universe, I need her strength, I need her to remind me how strong I am going to have to be.

They Can Live in my Heart, but Not in My Life....

I have ruined many pieces of art overworking them, because I could not let go, I wanted it to look, feel and be different than it was.

So many times in my life, I could not let go of the way I think life, love, friends, siblings and relationships should fit into my life.  Mashing, coloring and reconfiguring them into something I could relate to while ignoring the truth of our situations.

Finally, I am beginning to see the harm I cause myself when I cannot let go of my own distorted views of reality.   I work too hard to make parts of life fit into what I think they should be rather than seeing and accepting them for what they truly are.  I cannot force others to see and share what is in my heart, or to honor what I see as important in my life.
 
The time has come to honor and acknowledge the wonderful experiences I have had, be grateful that I had them, then let go and move forward.  

They can and will be wonderful memories that will live forever in my heart, but not in my life.

Building the New

In the past few years, friends and family will tell me how wonderful I look, I always assume that means that I do not look sick. I am also grossly aware of when I am not looking so good, because those same incredible wonderful friends and family will not say anything at all. I suspect that falls under the heading “If you can’t say anything nice….”   

On the good days (and there are many more of those) I want to explain and justify why I am doing so much better than even the doctors and nurses expected, especially since most of the time I elect not to follow their instructions and medication. I am certainly not recommending this for anyone else, and I do not ignore them all of the time, but my body has been really good at letting me know when things are and are not working.   

It has been a journey and I will freely admit there have been wrong turns along the way. It has been hard to follow my “heart” (excuse the pun) against professional advice, but it has been the best thing I could have possibly done and it all boils down to one central idea that I have struggled to put into words. Then this morning a Socrates quote showed up on my FB page. His quote sang to my heart and it is the perfect explanation for my own magnificent healing!

Leesburg Art Festival is finished!!

-It was wonderful to return to the art festival circuit! 
-Packing was a bit awkward, but we figured it out.
-Tent went up relatively well, not as stiff or dusty as one might expect after being in storage for 4 years. 
-It was wicked cold and windy, but our tent held firm, and there were many artists with tents that did not.

-I got to sign the posters that had the image of my Heron on them, when people bought them.  I really felt like a movie star signing autographs. 
-I saw lots of old high school and neighborhood friends, was supported and cheered on by my Orlando art friends, and made new art friends.  Does it get any better???
-Moorings was selected for judging, but it did not win anything.  I was so tickled to have it picked up!
-All in all I sold 4 originals, (Dinghy, Great White Heron (after the show) Sax and Violin) and about a dozen prints. 
-It was hard, I was grossly tired, and I would (and will) do it again in a heart beat!!!
-I loved every minute!!!

Still Standing....

to all my cardiac docs.....HA!!!
doing what I love doing is the best medicine....EVER! 

waving red flags and snickering at me

…a few minutes to myself, before I march back into the studio, finally getting these last 3 pieces in their frames and wrapped for traveling.  All of the fear, nerves and self-doubt have shown up in mass, marching around me waving red flags and snickering at me.

I am not “needy” I am “wanty”..... there is a big difference!

What a phenomenal few nights! 
Physically exhausted and emotionally challenged!

There have been so many incredible experiences that I could not begin to communicate them at this point, it will be days of “processing” before I can begin to get them in to perspective!

One thing that I have learned without question is that I am in pursuit of Life. That is capital “ L”  Life!  A full, outrageous creative life filled with joy, laughter, and experiences that push me to the edge.

I love having friends and family but I am strong enough to do this alone.  So you can just imagine how incredibly blessed I am to have amazing open hearted (and open minded) people in my life that want to and willingly share my life as well as support my (rarely sensible, slightly outrageous) ideas. 

For the first time in my life, I am ok with living LIFE on my own terms.   It is an amazing and extraordinarily freeing feeling! 

I do not need anything…. Everything I need for a most extraordinary creative life, I already have.

I  do want ……to go anywhere and everywhere my creative heart takes me.  No boundaries!

I am not “needy” I am “wanty”...there is a big difference!

Nude Nite 2013....I did it!

 

Took a Walk on the Wild Side.....and I liked it!!!

this is exactly what I am meant to do...

The ride downtown felt like a slow walk to the gallows. A tenacious litany of questions unraveled inside my head, as I got closer. Do I belong here? They must have made a mistake. My work is not good enough! Why did they select this piece? This piece is not big or impressive enough. If I turn around now, and go home, I am certain no one will even realize I am not there. I pulled into the parking lot with about dozen other cars and artists, wondering if the same list of ugly thoughts was playing in their heads?  

I climbed down out of the van and started the long walk toward the line of artists checking in. I approached the check-in table with my image turned in and clutched to my chest I did not want anyone to see it, keeping my option open to turn and run the other way. Finally, it was my turn. They asked my name, had me sign in, handed me a brown manila envelope with my lanyard and comp. tickets then pointed me into the gallery area with further instructions. No one made any faces, turned their heads, or made any comment what so ever, it was a simple matter of fact business transaction. I mustered up every ounce of courage I could find and made my way to the area where I was to unwrap and leave my work. 

I got to the empty spot and stood long enough to take in a deep breath and look around me , really look around me. I wanted to feel and see everything happening to me, inside and out. All of that incredible art work, massive amounts of glorious talent, and images that took my breath away. A feeling of incredible satisfaction enveloped me. I was surrounded by the most phenomenal art and magnificent creatives and like magic, my breathing slowed and my heart calmed. At that precise moment, I knew this is exactly what I am meant to do.

Fearless

What a wonderful day...
 art, friends, food!

Could it possibly get any better?

Taking my life back…


FEARLESS

 

fAt FeEt dAYs

I hate fat feet days. Fat Feet do not hurt but they do feel little weird. “Snausage” toes are the reminder “things just ain’t right”. It is a benign but ugly warning that my heart is struggling and fluid is building.  These are the days that I am grateful for flip-flops!

I find that I do best and am the happiest when I do not focus on or give this disease any attention, when I continue my life doing what I want and can do. Then just about the time I have convinced myself that I have this mess whipped....BAMM…fat feet!! Like my heart is talking back to me and saying....Oh no BITCH you are not going to do that!!

Heart failure does not have symptoms that anyone can see, so I CAN  fool most of the people…most of the time. The only one I cannot fool is me, and these damn fat feet. Some days I am still afraid.  Some days fat feet just plain scare me.

Can I still do it....

It’s CRUNCH time….

Four on the boards, some better than others, but all better than the 2 I blew a couple of weeks ago. I still find my biggest problem is OVER WORKING them. This is an ongoing problem I not only have with my art, but I find this issue showing up in my life, too. Trying so very hard to let go of all things that do not move me back into the life I loved and…… then let go of this obsession to over work everything that is in my life now.  

Three weeks to my first outdoor art show in 4 years. My stomach is in knots, the work is so-so and I am wondering if I can still do it??????