The Cape is NOT working for me!

Oh God, I hate these days!!!  Nothing hurts but,  everything, everything, everything, takes 4x more energy to accomplish.  Unload dishwasher, sit for 10 minutes, make up my bed and half way through out of breath, sit again, water the plants on the porch, exhausted…God damned I hate days like these….go away please…please, please, please go away…. or give me the right kind of cape because this “lazy cape” is not working for me!

"The Lazy Song"  Bruno Mars

Moderation is a concept....

I want this coffee cup…It could be my “un” official way of officially notifying the Universe….that enough is enough….Clearly, I do not seem to be able to make that call on my own!  The days that I feel so good do not come as often as they used to and when they do I just feel full of energy and life and have an insatiable need to move.  Four loads of laundry, vacuumed, made home made yogurt and cooked a dinner then cleaned up the outrageous mess I made in the kitchen then all of the sudden BOOM.  Like somebody said that’s enough bitch….you are soooooo done.  Made it back to my room, into a night gown and down I went…one big horizontal wet noodle…Moderation is a concept I have not yet grasped….maybe because I do not want to…a magnificent hot shower and home made yogurt for breakfast this morning….it ain’t all bad! I am good to go!  Bring it on!

"Everyday" Dave Mattews Band

What comes next...

Sometimes it is not about what is over, but what is beginning.  Letting go of the things that I do well, that others recognize and appreciate are hard to do.  At any other time in my life, I would be holding on to those things like crazy. They are the very things that I and other people have defined who and what I am. But my heart knows it is time to let it go now, to focus on what comes next, to be fully open to what comes next.  There are so many parts of me, so many other things I have had to let go of this past year.   But every time I have let go, it has opened me up to see and accept my other gifts.  Time for some more exciting and surprising new beginnings, ideas, and energy to arrive in my life!

"Nothing Stays the Same" Luke Sital Singh"

Shine on!

Whoa…that one jumped out and bit me on the ass! It does happen, with or without my permission.  But, I guess the opposite might have to be considered the same way.  If I chase exhilarations and allow that to define me, I may be setting myself up for chronic failure and perhaps an identity that is just as damaging. Somewhere between struggle and exhilaration is the balance.  But I have to wonder if the if the profound struggles do not magnify the intensity of the magnificent exhilarations…and is it a good thing or a bad thing?  As I look at my last Artist’s Way class and taking down this last exhibition there is an overwhelming feeling of both loss and accomplishment and the fear of an overpowering life change!  I find this feeling of nagging unrest grabbing me as I let go of this part of my life that has defined me for such a long time. Time to move on to the next chapter, find the balance…maybe it is the struggle that pushes me forward....on to the exhilaration? Maybe it is just time to easily and effortlessly move forward, no big splashes just time to shine on!

"Shine On"  Eric Bibb

The next day...

I learned something important last night. Maybe I shouldn’t try to stop some things from happening. Maybe sometimes I am supposed to feel awkward, sad, confused and ashamed.
Maybe it is ok to be vulnerable in front of other people.
Maybe it is a necessary part of me getting to the next part of myself, the next day….


"Morning Girl"The Neon Philharmonic

Today I just need to do fearless!

I know it is in there….I know how strong it can be.  I have to really really really dig deep this time!  I absolutely refuse to let this part of me go…I do not care how long or how hard I have to dig for it.   I have made my decisions the last 4 years based on “Desire Mapping” these are the 4 feelings ( one or all) I want to have every single day of my life.  Connected, excited, fearless, and passionate,  today I just need to do fearless!  The other feelings will come!

"Wild Thing" Troggs

There...I said it....

I cannot claim to be a wise woman, but sometimes I am frustrated and angry enough to just want to scream.  I want to know why me?  Aren’t I good enough?  What did I do to deserve this?  I want to live happily ever after, too!  I want to be a crazy old artist lady that surprises and embarrasses everyone.  I want to laugh so hard that I cry every day! I often get frustrated with people that create their own problems and then wallow in them. I want…I want…I want my life back!  I want to scream at the top of my lungs “fuck this shit” I don’t deserve it! I don't want to die...There I said it!

"Mad World" Gary Jules

Allowing new things to arrive!

I suspect my grown sons might not agree with this, but I think after all of these years they are getting used to it!  As I really begin this new part of my life, I am struggling to NOT allow myself to become old and sick!  The teaching and facilitating was good for me, and I am going to continue that, but only once a month!  Then I think I might want to continue something like the VoG’s.  (Please do not ask me to describe what that is, it is far too difficult to explain)…but you know it involves creatives, wine, chocolate, and fire.  I want and need to open my life and my heart so ALL the gifts, love, happiness, and creativity in this life can arrive!  I have to confess, it already seems to be working…it really is a remarkable thing and   I wonder if this might be the Universe telling me not to be afraid to say no…sometimes no is a very good thing and letting go of comfortable things is truly

allowing new things to arrive!

"Goodmorning Starshine"  Oliver

The best gift ever!

Sometimes the best gifts from the Universe arrive at the most wonderful times!  If ever I have needed some kind of sign I am making smart, good choices with all of the difficult decisions that seem to be running at me...  it was the most amazing confirmation, that it is going to be ok!  Yesterday while continuing to clean the porch, re-pot sad plants and in general repaint, replant and freshen up the porch I got such a surprise! 

I was putting away garden tools up in the front room…..aka…a very scary storage room!  A small flat box had fallen from a shelf and was on the floor partially open. I could see a set of non-descript brand new wind chimes in it.  I did not recognize the box, I did not remember when or where I might have bought them or was given them or by whom…. I drew a total blank. This in itself is not all that surprising; it seems to be happening more and more now days.  I was incredibly curious about where they came from and why they were on the floor as I picked them up. Again they were nothing special but since I was in the process of rearranging the porch I thought I would take them out there and see if I could find a spot to hang them.  Out on the porch, I began unwrapping them and as I pulled off the plastic I saw these words on the small wood panel designed to catch the wind

“Let the sound of the wind gently remind you, I am here.  All my love, Mom.”

With tears literally streaming down my cheeks, I read it.
Thank you, Mom…you have no idea how much I needed to hear you!

And now I can hear her whenever I need to.  When I least expected it...I got the best gift....ever!

                             "Mother's Chimes"

They were meant to be something else...

An old plastic red square salad bowl (what was I thinking when I bought that??) that I cut a big hole in the bottom and some black and white tape is now a planter for an umbrella pole.  Quite frankly I could not afford the ones they were selling on Amazon. And while I am confessing, it really is not an umbrella anymore, but a candle chandelier made from an umbrella pole and a bentwood hat rack.  Maybe when I bought those things they were meant to be something else. Maybe I am supposed to be something else. Maybe time to find out!

So much wine and creativity has been shared around this incredible second-hand table on the porch.  Celebrating such a great place is good for my heart!  Red Wine (and much more), Mistakes and Mythology have gone round and round this table....we have laughed and we have cried, and I am so much better for it!

                                    "Red Wine, Mistakes, Mythology"  Jack Johnson

Moon Shadow 2017 Eclipse Day

I am pretty much a card carrying selenophile  (n. person who loves the moon).  I am not sure exactly when that began officially, but I suspect it has been building all of my life.  I began to notice on days and nights when it was a full moon I felt more courageous, more creative just plain stronger in all most every way possible!  In the beginning, there were very slight inklings.  Now they are big shifts in consciousness! And it is wonderful!  Today the moon is literally going to block the biggest producer of light and energy in our galaxy.  The moon at such an infinitesimal fraction of the size and energy of the sun has the power to impact the world. It is a powerful silent reminder that my tiny influence can and will someday have an impactful meaning to the world.

"Moonshadow" Cat Stevens

Lights On!

I love red!  Spray painted an old garage sale find from years ago, and have solar lights that will fit in the candle sockets that are in the process of their first charging.  I cannot wait to see what it looks like at night!  Learning to use my creativity for me, learning how to really enjoy it, not just the process but the product too!... Not having to worry anymore about whether or not it is saleable, just that I like it and will enjoy it!

                "Light On" Mark Ballas

Just loved this poem...and I want to read it over and over and over again!

Breakfast of Champions!

Homemade yogurt, spiked with a teaspoon of salted caramel Skinny Syrup…is my breakfast of champions!  Yogurt supports my “gut” and helps my immunity, which is already sorely compromised and the salted caramel skinny syrup makes it feel like I am having ice cream for breakfast…It does not get any better than this…YUM!  Yea-yea I know that skinny syrup is most likely chucked full of chemicals, but do I need to say it again…ice cream (and coffee) for breakfast…big smile!

"It's a Beautiful Morning"  The Rascals

Remembering how good it felt to do it different and break the the rules!

No.... it is not NEW news….It is old news!  And yes Leesburg is just a small town….but it was the first time that my whole body of work was displayed in one place…besides in a 10’ x 10’ tent outside.  After all the years of being the featured artist at gallery shows and outdoor art festival, it was the first time I was the ONLY artist exhibited.  It was overwhelming!  And I can remember being absolutely panicked after saying yes I would do it….without thinking through the title of the show…”Pairings”…it was the wine and dinner pairings fundraiser for the art center.  They had seen a few of my food still lives, but that was it…a few.  The rest of the work was all over the place subject wise.  How was I going to make this show about pairings???  That is the week I came up with “pairing” art with music, via a mini MP3 player and headsets….mounted by the works giving people a glimpse into the music that inspired that piece. It worked! When this popped up on the FB feed this morning it filled me with memories and it made me smile.  It reminded me of how wonderful it feels to do it different how good it felt to break the rules!

"Let it be Me"  Indigo Girls

so others will think....

Taking care of myself is a difficult concept for me.  I was infused with the “good mother, good wife, good woman” always puts others first mentality.  So every time I feel like I need to do or not do something just for me, I feel guilty.  

I understand intellectually why I feel like this, but emotionally it still makes me feel horribly selfish.  I feel guilty asking for help or saying no, but I am in a place where I just do not have the resilience, the patience, the strength to be that strong anymore.  I keep pushing myself to the edges of my emotional and physical abilities.

Where is the line between giving and selfishness?  Do I keep pushing and giving until there is nothing left of me.... so others think I am a good person? 

"Better Off Now" Trent Dobbs

He has to....GO!!!

‘Oh no…here I go again!  My attempt to remain apolitical on my blog often gives way to feelings and emotions, and since this weekend. I feel like I am surely bleeding from having bit my tongue so much!

What happened in Charlottesville VA this past weekend was horrible!  White supremacy groups are and continue to be a blight on our society.  What we get from them, although intolerable, is expected.  What was not expected is that any president could possibly suggest that people carrying Nazi flags,  shouting  “Blood and Soil” (a well-known Nazi quote), “white lives matter”, “we are taking back the streets”, and “Jews will not replace us” could possibly be considered “very FINE people” that were just there to protest the removal of a statue of Robert E. Lee.  OMG…Really?

As long as this horrible man remains in office our most basic services, rights and freedoms will continue to erode. We have to make it stop….he has to go!

"Give Peace a Chance" John Lennon

3 Days of Peace & Music

"Happy Woodstock Day....48 years ago today the concert opened! One of my most prized possessions is my original Woodstock poster! It defined my generation! And it appears to be defining me NOW! It is a bit faded, has some wrinkles and is curling at the corners!"

This poster resides in my bedroom and is one of the first things I see every morning.  It is a marvelous reminder of my younger days and all of the excitement, the breaking rules, the music and the movements for peace that existed then.  I wonder if I would be as open and accepting of new and different ideas because of this generation. 

But, for a very few moments, every morning my memories fly back to a time where I was free and fearless…and I carry a little part of that with me every day!

"Woodstock" Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

Holy CRAP...I made it!

It was a wonderful night, and nothing does my heart more good than to celebrate with creatives as we get close to the end of class. Last night went quite well…the “newbies” were surprised but absolutely joined in and danced the Hokey Pokey….yep, we all toast each other’s creativity, throw confetti and then dance.  It always takes the edge off of the nervousness and reminds them this is about having fun and celebrating each other’s creative accomplishments.  All of the clocks sold at auction! Both or my original sculptural works sold…and that is another HOLY CRAP!  So there was so much overwhelming “sweet”….I suspect the “bitter” will come soon as it really settles in that this is my last Artist’s Way class….but for now I just want to bask in the “sweet” and celebrate…Holy CRAP I made it!  

"Brusied Not Broken"  Joss Stone

The last one...

Well, tonight is the last one.  After 23 years and 27 Artist’s Way Groups, I am hanging up my hat.  Tonight is the last Celebration of Creativity I will produce.  I confess it is bitter-sweet.  I am truly exhausted, but I am truly sad to have this part of my life ending.  So….I have been telling myself again and again…I will not have the time or the energy for new things to come into my life until I let go of some of the old things that consume so much of my energy.  Artist’s Way has been such a huge part of my life for such a long time, that it has become comfortable.  There is fear in leaving comfortable behind, but there is also excitement in finding and experimenting with the new.  Cross your fingers!

"The Skye Boat Song" Kathryn Jones Raya Yarbrough