Fairy Godmother Synchronicity...

Funny how things fall together without any effort on my part.  Just paying attention and all kinds of connections and synchronicity seem to be showing up!

This morning I found myself wishing on a star, the first time I have ever really wished on a star, then I realized that my very first, and I might add my only ballet recital solo was to the song "When You Wish Upon a Star"  I was a dancing Fairy Godmother. Unfortunately,  I am a real  klutz, the ballet career was short lived and that may explain why I forgot all about it!

However,  it may be the reason I am so attracted to tiaras and magic wands. Although I clearly remember a magic wand as part of this lovely ensemble, it did not seem to make it into the photograph.  Tiara is on, magic wand is waving madly, and I am wishing on a star knowing that all of these coincidences mean something, Just wishing I knew what.
I need a Fairy Godmother...and I need her right now!


"When You Wish Upon a Star"  Rod Stewart

When You Wish Upon a Star.....

When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are

Anything your heart desires

Will come to you.

If your heart is in your dream

No request is too extreme

When you wish upon a star

As dreamers do.

Fate is kind,

She brings to those who love

The sweet fulfillment of

Their secret longing.

Like a bolt out of the blue

Fate steps in and sees you through

When you wish upon a star 

Your dreams come true

I am an artist!

And a perverse fantasy world,
is a most wonderful place!

I get to make up all of the rules!

Imagination is the only guiding factor.
Anything and everything is possible

Afraid to invite others into my world...
They will bring a whole mess of reality.
I did not think I was ready for reality,

But as it turns out, 
I am
I am an artist
and I am filling my reality 
full of unrealistic expectations!

And it makes me smile!


              "Smile" Uncle Kracker

The Comfort Zone

The most exciting things in my life come when I am willing to step outside of my comfort zone.

The most painful things in my life have also come when I am willing to step outside my comfort zone.

The catch is I do not get to know which one I am headed for when I take those first steps. 

 
And now I am way outside my comfort zone, and I still have no idea.

She's Come Undone...

Finished this piece last month for the Artist's Way Exhibit.  It has always been one of those from the "gut" works.  The neck cracked when fired, I almost quit.  But then realized that was going to be part of what I needed to say.

Yes she did not want to be here, did everything not to show up.  But showed up anyway if for no other reason than to say "She's Come Undone" but she is still here!

Loved her tenacity, loved how the light recognized and created the 3 shadows in my life. There they all are.....




"Undun" The Guess Who

That...I know!

Every day there are at least 47 questions I ask myself they always begin like this “What are you doing?” & “Why are you doing that?” Most of the time the answers are so easy, they take very little thought at all….
Laundry-need clean clothes
Marketing-out of food
Gas-want to go somewhere

In the studio, I never ask what or why. I create because it feels good and right. I have something to say and I do not have the words. All I want the viewer to know it is how I feel by using shapes, colors & texture. It works so well in the studio, but in the real world….it does not...they really do not want to know about feelings.

If you ask questions of me, I am most likely to skip the what and the why, not because I do not want you to know…. because I really do not know myself.
                                                                             Ask me how it made me feel, that.... I know!

What was I thinking????

OMG….there is nothing more embarrassing than screwing up my courage, trying something really new and different, and failing …..I mean it was a spectacular FAIL.
The good news….the failure although not caught in time, is manageable and exposure is minimal limiting my total degradation…
Oh dear God…..What was I thinking????

                                                           and NO I am not telling anyone what I did !

                                                                        
                                                                               "No Sugar Tonight"  Guess Who

Good and Bad Days....

There are ecstatic, wonderful celebrate life days and then there are these crappy, crummy, cannot get my shit together days. We all have dreadful days from time to time, but I have managed, for the most part, to avoid them at all costs! The price for this marvelous avoidance has simply been, do not allow anyone into my life enough that could impact my ability to maintain this level of blissful ignorance. If the crappy days are this bad in my isolation, I could not bare it if I were emotionally vulnerable and exposed to people, too.

I understand there is a direct necessary relationship and balance between joy and grief or light and dark, life and death. It is the yin yang of life. They all must exist together and in balance. I have to experience this grief in order to feel the joy that is available to me. But, I wrestle with so much concealed grief every day; I just cannot risk the chance of letting people too far into my life that could tip my own delicate balance. I am so much better at doing this by myself, although I may have just blown my own cover by posting it here.

And this day like all of the rest will surely pass.


"Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying"  Gerry and the Pacemakers

What's Next?

My life seems to flow in stages….I bet everyone’s does this may not be big news to anyone.

The biggest swath was dedicated to being a Momma, although sandwiched in there, out of necessity were years of working, too. The work was fulfilling, but I always knew that that particular job was not what I was “meant” to do. It was the beginning but not the end.

The next identifiable stage was when I began painting and drawing. That erupted pretty quick and there was a gut feeling this was right. Many years on the eastern US art festival circuit finally allowed me to give up the picture framing business and Studio E, Inc. officially closed . It truly was one of the most exciting, challenging parts of my life. As I look back, I realize it was the part of my life that I most enjoyed and was truly satisfied both emotionally and financially.

I have attempted to go back and recreate that life, but I knew better, you cannot go backwards. It never works and this was not different. It was a miserable failure.

So… the question that plagues me is what is next. I am trying so hard to be patient and aware of opportunities. Clearly, teaching continues to show up and I do enjoy it, and there is a part of me deep down in my soul that knows this is part of why I am here.  Is this what I am supposed to leave on this earth. Creative Courage….is this what’s next…..creative courage. I need to find some, create some, and leave some.

        "Follow Me"  Uncle Kracker

No Fear!!!

Woo-Hoo ....I DID IT! 

NO FEAR! for all of those times when I just do not think I can do it.....I now have "no fear" tattooed on my foot to remind me....How strong I have got to be everyday, that I CHOOSE no fear....and  I am going to do it anyway!!!!
Bucket List #32-B check!
My first and will be my only tattoo!

Beginnings and Endings

September is here and summer is over. The semester has begun but there is more that my typical sadness that summer has ended, it is the last semester, at the end I will finally have the degree I have longed for. It truly is the beginning of the end.

Summer brought me some new beginnings and I am thrilled, fall looks like it is going to bring me some endings, some of my own choosing others not. But as sad as those endings may be, they will be making room for more beginnings.

So, to my endings I say goodbye, thank you for coming into my life I am a better person for all of the experiences. To my beginnings, I anticipate your arrivals and welcome all of the new lessons I have yet to learn.


    "Auld Lang Syne"  Mairi Campbell

10 Paradoxical Traits Of Creative People

From Fast Company

“I have devoted 30 years of research to how creative people live and work, to make more understandable the mysterious process by which they come up with new ideas and new things. If I had to express in one word what makes their personalities different from others, it's complexity. They show tendencies of thought and action that in most people are segregated. They contain contradictory extremes; instead of being an individual, each of them is a multitude." Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

1. Creative people have a great deal of physical energy, but they're also often quiet and at rest. They work long hours, with great concentration, while projecting an aura of freshness and enthusiasm.
2. Creative people tend to be smart yet naive at the same time. “It involves fluency, or the ability to generate a great quantity of ideas; flexibility, or the ability to switch from one perspective to another; and originality in picking unusual associations of ideas. These are the dimensions of thinking that most creativity tests measure and that most workshops try to enhance.”
3. Creative people combine playfulness and discipline, or responsibility and irresponsibility. But this playfulness doesn't go very far without its antithesis, a quality of doggedness, endurance, and perseverance. “Despite the carefree air that many creative people affect, most of them work late into the night and persist when less driven individuals would not. Vasari wrote in 1550 that when Renaissance painter Paolo Uccello was working out the laws of visual perspective, he would walk back and forth all night, muttering to himself: "What a beautiful thing is this perspective!" while his wife called him back to bed with no success.”
4. Creative people alternate between imagination and fantasy, and a rooted sense of reality. Great art and great science involve a leap of imagination into a world that is different from the present.
5. Creative people tend to be both extroverted and introverted. We're usually one or the other, either preferring to be in the thick of crowds or sitting on the sidelines and observing the passing show. Creative individuals, on the other hand, seem to exhibit both traits simultaneously.
6. Creative people are humble and proud at the same time. It is remarkable to meet a famous person who you expect to be arrogant or supercilious, only to encounter self-deprecation and shyness instead.
7. Creative people, to an extent, escape rigid gender role stereotyping. When tests of masculinity and femininity are given to young people, over and over one finds that creative and talented girls are more dominant and tough than other girls, and creative boys are more sensitive and less aggressive than their male peers.
8. Creative people are both rebellious and conservative. It is impossible to be creative without having first internalized an area of culture. So it's difficult to see how a person can be creative without being both traditional and conservative and at the same time rebellious and iconoclastic.
9. Most creative people are very passionate about their work, yet they can be extremely objective about it as well. Without the passion, we soon lose interest in a difficult task. Yet without being objective about it, our work is not very good and lacks credibility. Here is how the historian Natalie Davis puts it: "I think it is very important to find a way to be detached from what you write, so that you can't be so identified with your work that you can't accept criticism and response, and that is the danger of having as much affect as I do. But I am aware of that and of when I think it is particularly important to detach oneself from the work, and that is something where age really does help."
10. Creative people's openness and sensitivity often exposes them to suffering and pain, yet also to a great deal of enjoyment. “Perhaps the most important quality, the one that is most consistently present in all creative individuals, is the ability to enjoy the process of creation for its own sake. Without this trait, poets would give up striving for perfection and would write commercial jingles, economists would work for banks where they would earn at least twice as much as they do at universities, and physicists would stop doing basic research and join industrial laboratories where the conditions are better and the expectations more predictable.”

her fire...

a "burner" at heart....

When the rest of the country is celebrating Labor Day weekend, my heart and my imagination soar to the temporary city of Black Rock City, Nevada and the yearly one-week celebration of creativity known as Burning Man http://www.burningman.com/ . I have never been but I fill my creative soul by watching the live video feed, admiring the creative freedom of the art installations, and marveling at the incredible adverse conditions that these creatives are willing to endure just to be in each other’s company and create.  

It is easy to draw the similarities that exist at Burning Man with the collection of amazing artists that lived and created in Montmartre area of Paris France. The excitement and lights of the Moulin Rouge, the enlightened conversations of the cafés inspired them and they thrived artistically.

My body may be sitting in a little air conditioned concrete block house in central Florida, but my imagination is dancing among the creatives that are living for a week in the middle of a Nevada desert, practicing, celebrating and living their art.

                                                                               I am a “Burner” at heart.

http://www.theatlantic.com/infocus/2013/09/photos-of-burning-man-2013/100584/

not thinking....

When my direction in life is challenged, I find that I tend to run back into the art. The question then becomes is the creativity my tool for avoiding the problems or is it a way to deal with them. Tucked away in the studio I can focus singularly on the work. The studio is like my magic room, it is the one place I can go where reality cannot reach me.

Maybe there are times when dealing with reality and the problems of life are better served by not thinking about them at all.

and sometimes, they just "fall" out of me

Some days I struggle, no inspiration, some days plenty of inspiration but the work will not gel and then there are wonderful days like to day.  It just happens with so little effort!

" So just let it go and see where it lands."

not buying the stories....

"The next time you lose heart and you can't bear to experience what you're feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in. Instead of blaming our discomfort on outer circumstances or on our own weakness, we can choose to stay present and awake to our experience, not rejecting it, not grasping it, not buying the stories that we relentlessly tell ourselves. This is priceless advice that addresses the true cause of suffering - yours, mine, and that of all living beings."
—Pema Chodron

2013 Artist'sWay Celebration of Creativity....Deconstruction

And another awesome Summer Artist's Way Group
Dances into the Artist's Way Family of Creatives!

A wonderful exhibition a tremendous celebration of creativity.
What a magnificent summer! 

Worth it?

Have taken a few chances lately, they have the possibility of changing my life, but it is the “let it” part that brings my wheels to a grinding screeching halt. I have so much to figure out. There are dear friends and family that offer with help and advice but I seem to continue to be unable and/or unwilling to accept those offers. I promise I will look at the chances less critically, open my heart to more experiences and trust that these events are coming into my life for reasons that I just do not get to understand right now, but I will someday, I will.

The 2013 Artist's Way Exhibition is UP! DECONSTRUCTION

The Optional Tiara is Still Being Tested…

Fear sneaks into my life and even I forget that the only thing any of us are guaranteed is “now". In an effort to push a perfectly wonderful situation into the future; I managed to induce a full-scale meltdown that opened the door for all manner of ugly emotions to slip in! Control, anxiety and panic took advantage of the fear and marched back into my life in a matter of moments and I watched myself  being reduced to an unreasonable, blubbering and raging ball of doubt.

I sabotaged the peace and happiness of the moment by attempting to control and manipulate how it should look and feel like in the future. It was an ugly desperate attempt to hang on to the magic of now so I would still have it tomorrow. I cheated myself out of the joy that was available to me in that moment by allowing fear of the future to sneak into my life.

A wonderful and wise friend has given me a marvelous new gift. It gives me the power to contain the uncertainties of my future. It is an outrageous fear zapping magic wand and matching tiara! I can confirm that the magic wand works perfectly. The optional tiara is still being tested. There will be follow up reports!

If you've got butterflies entering your life....

My woefully overgrown back yard has been inundated with black and yellow butterflies.  Never less than 10 and sometimes almost 30, but will admit they are hard to count.  They are spectacular!  I cannot imagine what is drawing them here, and then my dear sweet friend began pointing out the obvious and more research turned this up.

 If you've got butterflies entering your life, perhaps you should look at your current situation and determine what stage you are at or what stage a particular issue is either in or moving through. That will help you decide what your next, most effective steps should be.

The fact that the butterflies in question are black and yellow is also significant. Yellow represents wisdom and black creativity. Look to your current situation from those points of view and you should be able to determine what needs your creative, wise attention.

Dave Matthew's Tampa Concert July 2013

It was the most perfect Tampa night!  There was good hard afternoon rain and the night air was cool made for a fantastic Dave Matthews Concert! 

A few beers, fantastic live music and the best company will be a night I will always remember.

And, OMG... Grey Street, did I mention Grey street was the encore!

I was magic!
http://www.cheryljonesevans.com/Grandarch.html

A whole new set of memories that I know we will giggle about forever....

always, always my sweet babes!

Bucket List Time......This time I get to spend an outrageous day, and night with 2 of the most spectacular people in my life. My 2 most awesome grown men sons. I am not sure what I ever did in this life to deserve them. I could shout a million times a day, how proud I am of them and it would still not be enough! I hope one day they will realize how truly magnificent they really are!

Life moved on, and we all got so busy with our lives, jobs, wives, grandchildren.  I want this chance to recapture the playing, the laughter and love we shared when we were all younger.

A Dave Matthews concert in Tampa, and looking forward to too much beer, silly booty shaking and the chance to make a whole new set of memories that I know we will giggle about forever! 

Head phones ON...Volume UP...World OFF!!!

3 days and counting DMB Tampa 2013

Can you hear me?

A night of Dave Matthews, too many beers, dancing and my boys (both of my phenomenal grown sons) might be exactly what I need to blow up this funk I am in.  I am ready to go!

Liar...Liar...Liar

Oh be still my heart, tell me this is true! This fear thing has been overwhelming recently; do not know where it came from, or how it could have possibly slipped into my life, undetected until it got such a horrendous grip on me.

Exploring new mediums, the loss of my sweet little girl kitty, pushing through and having to face some physical boundaries, and addressing, not so successfully some personal boundaries may have opened the door and let all of this fear into my life. I do not like it….I do not like it at all.

Liar….Liar….Liar

Open, Open, Damn it, Open

Why am I hanging on to the old proper, do good, closed self, a self that I recognize but do not like. I thought I had walked away from her to pursue a more open and accepting full life. 

Why can’t I let go and truly open up? 

I look back at some of my work and I see things I did not see when I was creating them. But now the message is clear and screaming at me….. let go, quit hiding, stop planning for the future, expose yourself, all of yourself, open up, open up!   

All of the sudden I see my work is betraying me and screaming to the world “liar” you are not strong, confident, open and honest, you are just afraid.

The "Fixer"

A new monster has tip toed into my life! The “fixer” arrived this week! Apparently hidden way down inside of me, he beckons me to go back into time and fix the things I screwed up. He insists that fixing my past is going to make my present better.

I am working on a project for the Artists Way 2013 Summer exhibition “Deconstruction” and struggling! What seemed to be a easy topic to portray is turning out to be a more difficult subject than I had originally anticipated!

The assignment- Take apart a piece of work (preferably one of my own) then reconstruct it into a new image. Simple, right? Wrong! Why is this giving me such a hard time?  

This work requires I step backwards look at and study previous and perhaps “not so great” creative decisions.

An internal argument has erupted between the “fixer” fanatically working to take apart an old piece to correct my mistakes, and me that just needs to take that old work and make something new in spite of the mistakes.  

Much harder than I had originally thought, and I furiously beat back the “fixer”.

Courage

"There is a secret medicine given only to those who hurt so hard they can't hope.
The hopers would feel slighted if they knew." — Rumi

The secret medicine is courage. Courage to let go.  Courage to grab on to.  Courage to see every situation for what it is, not what I want it to be, or as others might see it. Courage to accept that the ones that love me the most will never ever really understand how truly frightening this can be at times and how I chose to handle it.  The courage to follow my heart is what I need more than anything.

Why not me??

Yesterday’s noon news included one of their “health” reports, which I typically ignore, but this one was about the glorious results that were being recorded with the cardiac stem cell clinical trials. The very same trial that 2 years ago I actively campaigned to be a part of. I was on the short list for both Johns Hopkins and Shands but after extensive and invasive testing, I was inevitably deemed “not a viable candidate” for either of the trials. I was so sure I was going to be accepted, and was emotionally devastated, by both rejections. 

I have moved on, put the rejections behind me, but perhaps not as well as I thought. As the news video continued to broadcast this particular stem cell recipients glowing recovery, I found myself overwhelmed with those past feelings of elimination, anger welled up and I find myself wallowing in negativity.

I am angry, I want them to tell me, right now, why not me. Why didn’t you choose me!

I Chose the Blindfold

I chose this blind fold.

I have spent a lifetime carefully choosing what I did and did not want to see. The selection process was never based on fact, but on my life experiences and pre-programed expectations.

Realizing now that there is so much still to see, the question is “do I want to see it, experience it?”

The questions well up and I cannot decide if I am ready for so much truth.  

Make me Stronger

I want to be a very strong woman. However, I do not want tears. 

The question is…. can I do one without the other?

So many times in my past, when faced with difficulties I have put on my “emotional” suit of armor and muscled through the situation. I would not allow myself the luxury of emotion or more precisely fear, hurt, shame or any other negative feelings. I would control the situation (and my negative emotions) by simply walking away. I would consciously choose to focus on the positive, moving away from the negative people and/or situations as quickly as I possibly could.  

Looking back, it is beginning to feel like I am a champion at avoidance. 

Perhaps a strong woman is not just a tower of energy  but a fragile balance of the two sides. Strength and Weakness….Light and Dark …High and Low

Is it possible that exposing my shame, fear, hurt and weaknesses could make me stronger?

90-year old slug

There is not one flipping minute of this past weekend I would trade for a million dollars.  I do not recall laughing as long and as loud as I did, but OMG the recovery has been brutal!  The last 3 days I have had the get-up-and-go of a 90-year-old slug and am desperately looking for something that resembles energy!    I have some body parts that are barking and other parts that are just plain DOA.   C’mon my awesome, phenomenal, kick-butt heart, catch up with me because I need to do a whole lot more of this!!

Pirates & Picasso weekend!

art....arrrrrrrrgh....and whooops!

Pirates & Picasso

This life, like everyone else has ups and downs and oh how I love the ups! I love the ups so much, I wonder if I do not invite the downs in a little quicker by playing so hard and wearing myself out??? Sounds like manic behavior...scarier still…bi-polar! AUGHHHHH!

It is not either, it is a simple cliché case of “making hay while the sun shines”. When you (and I do mean all of us) do not know what tomorrow will bring…..we should be, do and have the best of what today has to offer!  

And I am off to live another of my “bucket list” dreams! A weekend in St. Augustine, with a gallery walk, a Picasso exhibition and the long awaited bucket list trip of a cruise with phenomenal friends on a pirate ship with shifty pirates, busty wenches and an bar in the back of the boat. ARGHHHHH!

Listen, Smile, Agree...

W A R N I N G....
this blog post is pithy, sarcastic an most certainly offensive! Enter with extreme caution!

There have been occasions in my life that I have felt the need to or been asked to defend my decisions and actions. What each of these conditions have in common was that the person (persons) asking, were not interested in listening to my point of view, but  looking for an opportunity to let me know I was wrong, explain why they are right, and convince me to give up my position and climb back into their socially acceptable behavior box... 

In the past, I felt like my life style, decisions and honor were worth defending vehemently. When I was younger I proudly earned my reputation as a fiery red head by passionately and stubbornly arguing my points.

Recently I find I just do not have the time and energy to actively engage in those conversations anymore.

However, I do not want you to think I have become weak, soft, mellow or given up my feisty flamboyant attitude.  I have just adopted a new philosophy regarding my decisions.  "Listen, smile, agree and then do whatever the fuck you were gonna' do anyway"

Try Something Different

Like just about everyone…. my day begins with the same ritual…get up, start the coffee, unload the dishwasher and stare out of my kitchen window, think about the day ahead of me and sigh.

A few weeks ago I set this little guy outside the kitchen window to remind me to take a moment to sit and reflect, but this morning he talked back. He clearly spoke up and asked “Do you remember when I came into the world? I arrived the day you decided to let go of all that you thought you could do, to share a day with friends focused on doing something different, challenging yourself to create the uncomfortable, stretching past the familiar to carve concrete. Carve concrete???  It does not matter that I am not perfect or even good. I AM DIFFERENT and that in itself is good."

This morning he is saying something new, something I will strive to do every day, every day, every day….
Look past the routine...
embrace opportunities to move outside my comfort zone…..
try something different….
and trust that good only exists in the "different".

nobody

Rebel's Manifesto

Walking Away from the Crash

If recognizing the problem is half the battle, then I am well on my way!

I have no flipping clue what I am on my way to, just desperately need to move away from where I have been!

It is time to do, move, go, change, shift, refocus…..

“Think of yourself as an accident victim walking away from the crash: your old life has crashed and burned; your new life isn’t apparent yet. You may feel yourself to be temporarily without a vehicle. Just keep walking.”
                                        — Julia Cameron - The Artist’s Way

'Scuse me while I kiss the sky

Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things just don't seem the same
                                               ~ Jimi Hendricks


I have been stewing in a purple haze, not Jimi’s kind (rats) but the one that I know is familiar to other artists. I find myself asking over and over again, “is this “funk” part of the ongoing price of admission in an artist’s life, is it worth it and can I emotionally afford it?” (And…by the way, knowing that these artist funks are typical, or having been through it before does not make them any easier!!!)  

My creative identity has been cemented to a specific style of work for such a long time that it feels like any redirection will mean giving up what little recognition (and income) I have worked so hard to achieve.  

Life changes combined with the mounting frustration at my inability to make my very recognizable and financially productive body of work fresh, exciting or enlivening has pushed me into a nasty toxic emotional corner. A brooding corner where all of the work is boring, dark and stagnant. I feel trapped and snarled in the fear of letting go of my old familiar art style.

I knew that when I began moving back out into the art world, the smart thing to do would be come back with my recognizable work. I had no idea that taking this creative step backwards would come at such a high emotional price. It felt wrong right away, but I was fraudulently lured back into that art and life style I knew and was comfortable with when it was met with some commercial success. As the “funk” set in I immediately took some creative baby steps forward to an entirely different art medium and style, but rapidly retreated to the old established familiar work.  

  I get irritated with my own fear and    incompetence.  I am so afraid of starting all over again that I just close down. I have shut out friends, family, creatives and anyone that I am afraid might think that is a frivolous selfish waste of time. But, worst of all I have shut down my own creativity. I know it is time to reach up in there and pull it back out regardless of what form the creativity takes.

 I know I have to do it, so please,

“Scuse’ me while I kiss the sky”!

working on it....

Every day, I must unlearn the ways that hold  me back, rid myself of negativity, and learn to fly all over again.  ~Leon Brown              
                                                                                working on it, damn it, working on it!!!!

I wonder...

I am eccentric, impractical, blunt and broken.

My days are often too dark, my nights too long.

I need attention, crave passion and long to be desired.

I trip over my own insecurities.

When words fail me and they often do, I communicate with images and music.

with all of my faults...

I wonder...

am I still worth loving?

 

Crazymaker: A L E R T

I have become really good at identifying and limiting the crazymakers in my life. You know…. those people that create and thrive in high drama, suck up your energy, disregard your time, discount your life, steal you away from your own purpose and direction and in general make you crazy (hence the name crazymaker).    

I have recently discovered one of the most insidious stealth crazymakers I have ever known! A crazymaker that is capable of stopping me dead in my tracks, redirecting my awareness away from all of the boundless positive energy and significant gratitude available to me. A crazymaker that is so incredibly sinister, detection has been almost impossible.

This devious crazymaker does not care whether I have the time or energy to participate in its distorted agenda.

This deceitful crazymaker dispenses personal destruction without the slightest hint of detection.

This cunning crazymaker truly deserves an academy award for the ability to hijack the marvelous authenticity of “now” and create a ridiculous destructive fantasy realm of          “what if”.  

This self-absorbed crazymaker ignores reality, snubs the truth, discounts common sense and disregards the blessings that exist now. 

May I introduce you to the most notorious crazymaker of all time

….ME….

 

I choose...

I need to remind myself every day, every day that it is my choice… I choose. It is alright to listen to advice and opinion but inevitably I am the responsible one that will redeem the rewards or suffer the consequences, I have to listen to my heart.

Quiet the outside, turn down the intensity of feelings and just listen to my heart, my instincts, deep down inside all of the answers are already there.

One foot in front of the other

When the only choice is to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving…that is what you do. On these crappy days I need to be vigilantly aware of how blessed I am that so many of my days are focused and full of purpose.

When these ugly days arrive, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other.

 One foot in front of the other....One foot in front of the other...One foot in front of the other

I have a confession...



What is seen as successful, fulfilled and happy is as simple as this.

if you expect nothing from anybody, you are never disappointed

Expect nothing…keeps my heart protected and lessens pain.

Expecting nothing... keeps me insulated, safe, strong, but extremely lonely.

I am incapable of trusting and unable let anyone fully into my heart and/or life.

I cannot afford the emotional cost.

Whew...it is not just me!
from 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy
14.  Give up attachment.  This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words

Grades are posted!

And… the semester from hell is finally signed, sealed and scored! I finished with an A in Linguistics. Not a bad class, language, semantics and what constitute a truth or a lie, especially as it applies to politicians, a hard class but very interesting.

Astronomy was a bitch! I figured I would be lying on a blanket with a bottle of wine, romantically staring up at the planets, figuring out constellations and the names of stars. I sure as hell did not figure on a massive dose of physics and quantum mechanics as part of it. I was woefully unprepared for the astronomical amount of (pardon the pun) math and science required to calculate chemical compositions, orbital speeds and rates of decay. I finished with an unimpressive C, but am thrilled that I passed at all. I am ready to dance in the streets! (If I had someone to celebrate with, it would be perfect!)

I am so ready for summer! Bring on the heat!

disconnect...

Seems simple, but for me this statement is full of guilt and selfishness instead of being an uncomplicated statement of self-care.

The sharing and engaging are easy; it is disconnecting that creates the problem. The disconnecting is the source of my angst.  

I want to be liked and loved...sacrificing my own feelings to make that happen.   

Am I the only one that does not know the difference between self-care and selfishness?  

How do I learn this?

What next?

I launched back into my life last year, thinking that was all I needed to do. It was a huge emotional step.   I rescued what I had lost by digging into the past, resuming life where I left off and evoking the courage I once had to continue on the path that seemed so right for me.  

I felt returning to my work, my art and the outdoor art show circuit was all I needed to do to reclaim my life. However, while I was physically and emotionally healing, life changed or maybe it was just me.  I did learn that I can do much more physically than I thought was possible, but found out that it often comes at a high price. I am learning that I cannot simply go backwards to the life I knew and had control of.  

There has been a shift in my world.  I felt like I knew and understood that my life would be different but I did not expect that my confidence, future and purpose would lose focus and become so muddy. I wanted to effortlessly slide backward into my comfortable life, but I see now that is not going to happen. I am going to have to work hard to move forward, create a new life and it scares me.

I am frightened, lost, and I hurt. I understand that this discomfort and uncertainty is not a punishment, but a necessary part of growth and transformation.  As much as I understand this concept intellectually it does not mitigate the emotional pain I feel. 

I do not know what is next, all I can do now is release my past and faded expectations.

Maybe the Universe is telling me....more creative facilitating

It was a great opening reception!  The Artist's Way Artists enjoyed themselves, they were proud of their accomplishments  Every single umbrella sold and the proceeds will fund 4 scholarships for summer art camp. 

ummmm.....and they missed my last name on both counts....what is that about????

Outside my Comfort Zone

"Umbrellas"   2013 Leesburg Artist's Way Group Exhibition

I wish all of the answers were more clear, but maybe all I need to do right now is just keep putting me, my art and my creativity out into the Universe without any expectations.  

Facilitating the Artist's Way in Leesburg introduced me to a brand new group of artists.  This should not come as any news to me or anyone else for that matter.  However, I was quickly reminded after the first class that they were all new.  I cannot remember the last time I taught or facilitated a class that there was not at least one "repeater" and sometimes more.  It was comfortable for me to begin a new group with friendly recognizable faces.  This time they were all newbies, not one familiar face with approving nods as I work through the chapters each week. 

Tonight was wonderful and different, as this new Artist's Way Group installed their remarkable exhibition.  All of these new artists trusted and believed in me.  They followed my lead and created and reached way outside of their comfort zone. What they have created is genuinely remarkable!

They are teaching me that maybe outside of my own comfort zone is where I should consider spending  more of my own  time.

Do I have to decide NOW???

It is not hard enough to have one life situation that craves a decision, but several people, circumstances, and life all demanding I decide NOW.  

Who and what is creating all of this pressure to make these decisions? I will freely admit there is a possibility that a good part of it is coming, not from others, but from me. I am the one looking for the clean, simple, easy life, but there appear to be times that life is going to be messy no matter what I do.


What is worth my love, my heart and my life to try harder?  

When is it time to walk away, stand still or move forward?

in my heart...

Expectations & Reality

Expected a marvelous successful art show but the reality sucked!

There is no other way to describe it. All of the expenses, all of the preparation, combined with all of the physical and emotional investment needed to do an outdoor art festival are no guarantee for success.

Although it would be easier to point out the faults of the show organization, and the many egregious deficiencies that included, little if any marketing, lack of staff involvement, way to many and poor quality crafts and the inclusion of “buy sell” vendors, I must assume the responsibility. I have to step up to the plate and acknowledge my part in the failure and sincerely look for the lessons I need to learn.

First, I have to recognize that I chose to do this show. Years ago, after many failed local shows, I opted to move out of this market. It was a very successful and lucrative decision.  

Unfortunately the fear created by an old difficult experience of being hospitalized while out of town blinded me. I am afraid (and perhaps rightfully so) that it will happen again.  

I expected I could start new by continuing with my same old work, in an area I already knew was not going to work for me. My fear insisted that I stay close to home with work I knew would sell…. 

I failed anyway.

I have the experience and common sense to know better but fear of failure crept into my life and rational thinking disappeared.

I need to look at me realistically, what I can do, where I can do it, honor my life situations and make some big hard decisions about how and where I move forward with my art and my life.

And most of all I need to remember
I cannot move forward by repeating past successes.
I cannot move forward without RISK.

 

 

and...a fantastic Friday night!

The weekend is not over yet, but has already been full of ups and downs but Friday night was the bomb!

Art show tent set up was dicey at times, with the afternoon winds gusting to 20-25 mph.  A tent with all of that canvas is a square sail without a boat.  We had to keep the thing weighed down all through the "building" process, and those ugly unyielding weights ended up just being more crap to trip on and over! 

However, we gratefully escaped the forecasted rain.  The local news stations (all of them) predicted a 50% chance of heavy thunderstorms.  This is never an ideal situation for an outdoor art show and especially one that opens at night! 

Against all odds, the opening night was dry, calm and beautiful.  The lighted art tents were spectacular, the live jazz was across the lake (ummmm pond) which was great to listen to.  The music traveling over the water produced the most magnificent sound and at perfect volume.

Then I had a spectacular surprise.  A visit from a bevy of my greatest "art girls"  Tory had an early opening at Gallery 1350 West (which explains that "drop dead" gorgeous black dress and heals) and they all came from her gallery opening down to see me.  No way I could ever explain to anyone how excited and tickled I was to see them all!  Skip played bar tender pouring wine behind the tent and we celebrated ART like only we can do in the tent, well after the show officially closed!

Friday night was a phenomenal start to what I had hoped would be a fantastic weekend, but Saturday produced minimal crowds and no sales. I am discouraged but hoping tomorrow is much much better. 

Regardless of what happens next, no one can take away the joy of sharing art, dear friends and a fantastic Friday night!

Thank you all!

What the HELL is a spring chicken, anyway?

The last couple of weeks I have become disgustingly aware of the fact that I am just NOT a spring

chicken any more. Just not popping back up after being sick and to add injury to insult, I seem to have brewed up another totally aggravating situation. Whether it is age or HF or a combination there is no question about how much it sucks!  

And just for the record….. What the HELL is a spring chicken, anyway?

I am pretty close now!

Another round of pneumonia, another bad experience with the medical industry. Eventually I am going to learn how to do this by myself, and I am pretty close now!

Oh, if there was some way I could I just have 1 ounce of their energy

                                                                                                                                                               

Having spent the most marvelous, active, energetic, busy, never a dull moment weekend with all 4 of my grandsons (ages 5-9) I can honestly say, OMG.....! Even though they are extremely well behaved boys, they are after all, little boys. There are no words that can begin to express how truly blessed I am to be close enough in both distance and emotions to spend vacation weekends with my children their wives and the next generation of Evans’s (even if they are all boys!) Wonderful, cannot hold still for one minute, little boys. Oh, if there was some way I could I just have 1 ounce of their energy.

I found it!

Several weeks ago, while madly rushing and framing for an art festival my tinker bell disappeared. It is an interesting piece of jewelry. A sterling silver ball that fits in a cradle that hangs on a chain around my neck. The ball has some kind of mechanism inside that makes the most wonderful sweet sound. It is a unique piece that not only functions as jewelry but keeps my nitro and med-alert tag hanging around on the backside of my neck. I don’t have be reminded or look at it or hear it wrangle around my neck unless I need it.

It was a gift from a dear sweet friend and my business partner for many years. We closed our business many years ago when she was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease and I continued with the picture framing business on my own. After 3 agonizing years she died. 

The tinker bell has been a constant and chronic reminder of how strong she was, and in the past few years the sweet sound reminds me that I too can be that strong.   

When I lost it, I was crushed. Finally, I gave up the search and accepted that maybe it was just how it was supposed to be. Maybe it was time to let go of old difficult memories. It was time to move on, move into the future and let go of the past, the loss and the pain. And, when I gave up looking for it, it appeared!

I missed having it around my neck, and I am so happy to have it back. Thank you Universe, I need her strength, I need her to remind me how strong I am going to have to be.

They Can Live in my Heart, but Not in My Life....

I have ruined many pieces of art overworking them, because I could not let go, I wanted it to look, feel and be different than it was.

So many times in my life, I could not let go of the way I think life, love, friends, siblings and relationships should fit into my life.  Mashing, coloring and reconfiguring them into something I could relate to while ignoring the truth of our situations.

Finally, I am beginning to see the harm I cause myself when I cannot let go of my own distorted views of reality.   I work too hard to make parts of life fit into what I think they should be rather than seeing and accepting them for what they truly are.  I cannot force others to see and share what is in my heart, or to honor what I see as important in my life.
 
The time has come to honor and acknowledge the wonderful experiences I have had, be grateful that I had them, then let go and move forward.  

They can and will be wonderful memories that will live forever in my heart, but not in my life.

Building the New

In the past few years, friends and family will tell me how wonderful I look, I always assume that means that I do not look sick. I am also grossly aware of when I am not looking so good, because those same incredible wonderful friends and family will not say anything at all. I suspect that falls under the heading “If you can’t say anything nice….”   

On the good days (and there are many more of those) I want to explain and justify why I am doing so much better than even the doctors and nurses expected, especially since most of the time I elect not to follow their instructions and medication. I am certainly not recommending this for anyone else, and I do not ignore them all of the time, but my body has been really good at letting me know when things are and are not working.   

It has been a journey and I will freely admit there have been wrong turns along the way. It has been hard to follow my “heart” (excuse the pun) against professional advice, but it has been the best thing I could have possibly done and it all boils down to one central idea that I have struggled to put into words. Then this morning a Socrates quote showed up on my FB page. His quote sang to my heart and it is the perfect explanation for my own magnificent healing!

Leesburg Art Festival is finished!!

-It was wonderful to return to the art festival circuit! 
-Packing was a bit awkward, but we figured it out.
-Tent went up relatively well, not as stiff or dusty as one might expect after being in storage for 4 years. 
-It was wicked cold and windy, but our tent held firm, and there were many artists with tents that did not.

-I got to sign the posters that had the image of my Heron on them, when people bought them.  I really felt like a movie star signing autographs. 
-I saw lots of old high school and neighborhood friends, was supported and cheered on by my Orlando art friends, and made new art friends.  Does it get any better???
-Moorings was selected for judging, but it did not win anything.  I was so tickled to have it picked up!
-All in all I sold 4 originals, (Dinghy, Great White Heron (after the show) Sax and Violin) and about a dozen prints. 
-It was hard, I was grossly tired, and I would (and will) do it again in a heart beat!!!
-I loved every minute!!!