Pairings set up

Do NOT crap out on me now!

Body has stepped up and announced loudly “ENOUGH BITCH”.   So…. that there is absolutely no misunderstanding …. this is NOT what I wanted and it is NOT so much better!What I have accomplished in the past few weeks is phenomenal, what it has done to me sucks!
Please-Please incredible wonderful, beautiful strong  heart do not crap out on me now!

Load-Unload-Repack-Load

In a few more hours unload again! It will be the last of the unloads to set up an exhibition, there are still 2 opportunities to take down these exhibits, that carry their own set of load and unload issues!

 Officially, I am half way through! And this is the BIG one coming up. If last week’s installation and opening reception are the harbinger of what is to come then it is going to be a fantastic week. However, as an artist my natural tendency is to zip right to the bad place…and that ugly voice in my head is running amuck….If last week went so well, surely the big “screw up” is right around the corner. The law of averages is not on my side. I am due for a big fall!  

When will I ever learn to relax, enjoy and revel in the NOW, rather than dipping into the future to borrow problems!  

Now….on to the next unload!

Breaking Down Creative Blocks

The Best Time to Celebrate

Every day I can create.

Every day I can laugh.

Every day I can love.

Every day is the best time to celebrate. 

Every day…..

Every day….

Every day….

2012 Artist Way Group Celebration of Creativity Day!  I am so blessed to have been in the company of all these magnificent creatives, that in itself is certainly reason to celebrate!

Shine My Life Like Light

For such a long time, I felt like I had no more to contribute.  Not creating, inspiring, nurturing was about as close to death and dying as I could ever be.  I believed what everyone else said, freely giving my power and trust to doctors and medicines. I trusted them and turned my back on my own miraculous power!
I have pushed harder and created more than I ever thought possible!

These past few weeks and the week to come are my announcement to the universe that I am. 
I am strong. 
I am a creative. 
I have so much more to give! 
I trust me and the universe,  and when I give everything I am,  the universe will give me what I need to keep going.
Let it be me…Let it be me!

Stacked and Staged

It has been so long since I have seen my work stacked and staged ready to go out for an installation and exhibition.  I forgot how overwhelmingly marvelous it feels to see all of these images  that came out of me in one place, and more grateful than words can express that they did.  

Everything Happens for a Reason....

When an unexpected door opens, I want to walk through it and explore all of the experiences it has to offer.  I am learning that  my life should be all about taking every opportunity that comes my way and trust (without judgment or expectation) that the Universe knows what I need!

All I have to do is screw up my courage, trust the Universe, do the work and laugh and laugh and laugh!

We're Up! Whew.....

2012 Artist's Way Celebration of Creativity.....Installation Day from Cheryl Evans on Vimeo.

And....it begins!

Today begins 2 of the most exciting and possibly exhausting weeks I have had with my art since…. 


Tonight we install the 2012 Artist’s Way Group (the group I facilitate) exhibition “Breaking Down Creative Blocks”. Each of the creatives, in addition to their own work, had the assignment to paint, sculpt, or “whatever “an 8” x 8” x 8” cube that will be suspended on a 20” x 20” black background. What I have seen of them so far is AMAZING! I cannot wait to see them all hung together! The opening reception for this exhibit is appropriately called a Celebration of Creativity (this Saturday 8-4) because we want it to be anything BUT another stuffy art exhibition. Artist’s Way openings have always been more than just another art opening but truly a celebration of our art and our time together as creatives!

Do the Walls Come Down?

Ah…today they do.

It is one of those crappy heart days and my feet look as if they belong to an elephant. But I could not stop. When a piece tells me, it is coming…. I can do nothing but let it flow through me and so it did!

What a wonderful feeling, to lose track of time and space while images pass through me and out of my hands. I have no idea where they come from or how they move from a feeling in my heart, a thought in my head to an image on the paper, but how blessed I am to have the experience. There is nothing, not a lousy heart day, swollen feet or anything else that can stand in the way! Alleluia-Alleluia!

Do the Walls Come Down? 
http://www.artistwayworks.com/Red%20Curtains.html

A Creative!

Creativity represents a miraculous coming together of the uninhibited energy of the child with its apparent opposite and enemy, the sense of order imposed on the disciplined adult intelligence. ~Norman Podhoretz

 Thank goodness the for the uninhibited energy of a child!

 It heals, invents, imagines, builds, sings, dances, plays, and loves!

I cannot imagine that I could possibly want to be anything else but…..

A creative!

Still have time to be....

I find myself rushing, worrying, grieving, and needing to have the next few weeks be perfect because I am afraid this will be my last chance to do these kinds of things.  

I need to relax, enjoy, and celebrate the process…

instead of suffering the end product.

I still have time to be everything I want to be.

Better than all of the other possibilities...

A creative life is full of fear, frustration, self-sabotage, procrastination, panic, and anxiety. But, it’s breathtaking flip side is a life full of inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun.

A creative experiences living from a unique point of view that provokes passion for life and art in everyone around them.

Even when it is really really really hard, it is better than all of the other possibilities.

"Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth."

"Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth." Pablo Picasso

Even when I do not want me or anyone else to see the truth of my own emotions, my art will betray me. The art is my Gladys Kravitz, prowling through my head and exposing all of my secrets to the world.

When choosing an image, my intention is not to reveal anything of myself; my only desire is to entertain with a pretty picture. However, as I move through that image it begins revealing me to me, and I know that eventually it is going to disclose these personal raw emotions to everyone.

Three weeks before the heart attack, a piece of abstract work came through me, it was so different from anything I had ever done.  Although it made no sense at the time, there it was telling me what was happening to my heart.
 
Sometimes my truth is evident, sometimes not, but the truth is always there right in front of me.

Confidence and Courage

Please give me more…
and if I cannot get more confidence and courage, can I please just have the audacity to fake it!  

For the next few weeks, I need the confidence and courage to move way outside my comfort zone. I do not want to slip back into the secure areas just because they feel good. I want to push well past the boundaries, all of the restrictions that limit me. I need to walk on the edge to prove to myself and everyone else that I can do it.  

So, even if I do not recover the confidence and courage that would make this easier, I know that I can pull this off with plain conviction, hard work and pain. Some of my most incredible accomplishments were born from this, not always confidence and courage.

It's Alright to Cry...

So much going on right now! Creating, framing, organizing, IRS and scholarship applications, teaching, house repairs and on and on and on. I used to be able to handle this (and more) without missing a step or breaking a sweat. It just flowed. Now I find every little piece of this life is a struggle, nothing coming easy!

My heart and body conspire to rebel at every inappropriate opportunity without consulting with me and certainly without my permission!

My ability to balance what I want to do and what this body is capable of doing is still exasperating. Each day is different, some days this body seems to be perfectly willing to allow me to accomplish anything and everything I want it to do, and then without warning, another day will arrive and it protests every move I make. There is no detectable rhyme or reason for which day will be good and which day will be bad. No way to predict and work around it, there are days there is nothing I can do but cry, then get back up and keep moving.

Wrestling with Grey

This one just did not want to arrive.  It was a struggle, not just artistically but I wrestled with it emotionally.  Color would go in then literally melt and disappear into the image. I have no explanation for that...It was very strange!

It maybe saying much more about me than I am ready to look at right now.

But then I heard this music and I just knew it was time to stop.  I knew that this is just the way it was supposed to be.  One lesson I have had a hard time learning is when to stop drawing, when to stop trying to make something right, when it is time to step back  and "let it be" before I over work it and ruin it.

and so this time I did....I just stopped.
Link to larger image and lyrics

Self-Sabotage

I have rediscovered one of my excellent talents that I thought I had long since walked away from,
self-sabotage.

It is my ability to seek out and find people, situations, and in general anything that will keep me from doing the work I love, that I am good at and that I am meant to do.

The question of how this has reemerged in my life is nowhere near as important as the why. The how is easy, it always is. The why I deliberately damage my ability to create art and myself is hard.  

This time, I recognized my ugly behavior before it consumed me. Is it enough to recognize self-sabotage to stop it or do I need to understand why I do it?

Maybe, there is no lesson...

People and events arrive in my life to teach. Sometimes I recognize the lessons right away, other times they are just not that obvious. Two have reemerged from my past, one’s lesson was immediate, the other, I still do not know.

I am beginning to wonder if the lesson is there, or am I too emotionally involved to see it.

Maybe things happen for no other reason than to enjoy life, enjoy the relationship and quit looking for a lesson.

Maybe I need to be patient and trust the lesson will reveal itself when the time is right.

Maybe, there is no lesson.

Monumental Choice

I know I need to move forward.  I know that staying in the same comfortable space is not living it is merely existing.  When I made that monumental choice to live with this disease rather than exist with it, I really had no idea that it would be the beginning of so many new decisions, new lessons, and new friends.   I am fairly certain that I will continue to make bad decisions, miss the lessons I should learn,  and connect with old friends too.  I am glad I made that monumental choice!

Celebrating Creativity

It has been, so far an incredible summer bringing far more into my life than I could have ever imagined!  Artist's Way and the new creatives have been a marvelous blessing!  I cannot wait to see what they are doing with thier "creative blocks"  I am certain I will be blown away!

Entering Every Experience

I realized some time ago that nothing was going to happen unless I was willing to put myself out there, while I have no idea what it is I want to happen.   How do I balance living in the now but continue to plan and create a tomorrow.   Getting back into making and showing art brings deadlines and judgments back into my life.  Letting new people into my life opens up a the possibility of emotional  disaster.  All of this is terrifying!

I have fully participated in every gift the Universe has presented, and although scared to death, am embracing and gratefully entering every experience one day at a time.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

How did we get to this century with ignorant chauvinistic men still functioning? Their bad behavior is alive and well and rude. In a day and age when there are so many wonderful good men that have embraced women with functioning brains, unfortunately there are still, the bad and ugly (spirited) that are still thriving and getting away with it! 

The only choice I have is how much of my energy will I allow the bad and the ugly to consume?

Impromptu Art

I had an interesting and very fun session this morning  in the studio with a bottle of blue paint that I knocked off the shelf.  Plan A.... was to get out of my sweaty gym clothes in the laundry room (on the other side of the studio) where they could be immediately washed then sprint directly to the shower.  In theory, the plan was flawless until I wiped out a bottle of blue acrylic paint as I streaked through the studio.  Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately in this case), you cannot get paint back in the bottle once it is out.  Having just finished a good walk I had admired how wonderfully strong my awesome heart has been recently, so it seemed appropriate to use the spilled paint on me, and so I painted a big “S” for Super Woman - Super heart on my chest.  Of course that meant deliberately breaking into some red and yellow paint,too, but it just had to be done!  I have a kick-butt awesome strong heart! Now if I could only find a cape!  (and NO I cannot post the picture here!)

So scary!

I have gotten a serious lesson about “putting it out there”.  The first time this past week, after I had put it out there, I had second thoughts, fear and doubt about how much of myself I was allowing strangers to see.  But before I could make changes I was considering, it was released.  I felt like I was standing naked in front of a host of unknowns, at my most vulnerable.  The wonderful thing is that I have gotten nothing but nice comments one piece has already sold a month before the show opens and literally a ba-zillion or at least my 2 gig bandwith transfer, the point where site goes down.   Holy Crap!
So I have screwed up my courage and put my true, OMG feelings out there again, without a clue about how they will be received.  This is so scary.

Got any idea how awesome this is?

Got any idea how awesome this is?

Tickets for "Pairings" went on sale today!  My first solo exhibition since….well  you know.  So many ugly days passed when  thought I was never going to be able have my art and my life back, but here it is!  Here it is!  Here it is!  Keep pushing-Keep pushing, I can never give up who I am and why I am here, ever again!

I get knocked down but I get up again, and I am dancing!

Marvelous Rhythm!

Life has a rhythm, and sometimes I need to pay more attention!  I let a dear artist friend slip out of my life several years ago.  Our paths seem to separate when his entire collection of art, more than 10 years of work was purchased by a major museum and his career took off on a course most artists can only dream about.  While I was still dragging my art and a tent all over the southeast, selling one piece at a time, he and his work were sky rocketing.   We lost touch and all of those wonderful conversations and shared experiences about art, creating and (augh….) art marketing slipped away. 

I did not realize how much I missed those brilliant exchanges. 

Then today, like no time had passed, our lives, art and awesome conversations began again, just like we had talked to each other last week.   We are both back in the studio, approaching the art from a new perspective, and learning how to say “no” to other people’s expectations of what art should or should not be. 

Marvelous rhythm!

find some way to break the rules...

“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady.  I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there.  And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.”    –Nora Ephron

I let fear and disgusting amount of “proper-ness” slip into my life.  It has taken the death of a phenomenal female writer/director to remind me that neither my life nor my work will be better served by following other people’s ideas.   This revelation is just in time, as I am getting ready to do some serious editing to my next exhibition.  

Mediocrity serves others, but never serves me or my work.

Debby, it is time for you to move on...

4 days of rain...
OK-OK
That is enough!
Please stop it!

Lots of Balls in the Air….

Whew…can I keep them all up?

Artist Way Group in full swing, and beginning to get the group exhibition A.K.A.  Celebration of Creativity off the ground.  Boxes of boxes delivered!  Black Foam Board on the way and a mess of creatives chomping at the bit!  Still lots and lots to do! 

LCA Music and Art Pairings exhibit is moving slower.   Some of it my fault, other issues from the frame supply wholesaler, what a disaster. Catalog just about ready for the printer.  Tons of framing still to do not to mention packing to ship.   I can see some last minute all-nighters in my future. And I still do not have a firm installation date, YIKES!

Feeling good about stepping back up into a full schedule, but will confess it is much much more physically difficult than I had planned.

The real trick is going to be..... keeping all of these balls in the air!

This one was just too good!

Because she chooses…

If you stacked my good choices against my bad choices, the bad choices would surely tower over the good ones!  My life has been ever so much more exciting because I have made so many “bad” choices!  Those bad choices, hold the best memories and the greatest lessons of my fantastic life!

I do not regret any of my choices!

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Should have this one tattooed to my fore head! 
Living from emotions and heart, not always a good idea. 
I just do not know how to do it any other way, and I am not sure I would if I could.  
The unbridled giggleing  is worth the hurt.

Revealing my Feelings….

This is harder than it seems, some days I am better at it than others.  It is not just the difficulty of discovering and then revealing feelings, but how and who to reveal them to.

A very few have the strength to listen, most are afraid and none will understand what this truly feels like until they have been here.  And I would not wish this on anyone. 

Revealing my feelings means risking relationships. 

Celebrating!

Celebrating a friend’s good news,  celebrating a perfectly beautiful day.  Celebrating how incredibly fortunate I am to have so many wonderful people in my life.  I spend so much time and energy trying to forget, and then one quick fleeting event opens that ugly door and reality floods in and it is overwhelming.   It is horribly overwhelming, and I forget to celebrate all that I have. 
   Not celebrating years, celebrating days,  every day, every day, every day!

thought Monday would never end....

It went on and on and on and every hour that passed brought on new sets of problems.  I felt like I was stomping out fires the whole day.  It was one of those days that there was NO forward movement, all energy expended did nothing but MAINTAN or repair existing….Makes me think just how much of this  is worth spending my time, money and energy on.

It's a Fat Feet Day

Fat feet do not hurt, although they feel really weird.
Fat feet do not hurt, but they look incredibly disgusting.
Fat feet do not hurt, but it is a crappy reminder that my heart is struggling.
Fat feet do not hurt!

The Life that is Waiting...

I have always held hard and firm to this kind of creative free thinking, but am finding if more and more difficult to walk away from the old familiar life and plans. 

When life is running smoothly “letting go of the life I had planned” was a very easy and seductive statement.  But when it turned upside down,  I found myself running straight for all of those unreliable things that I had already stepped away from. Security, acceptance, and approval …….from everyone, but myself.

In rare spurts of clarity I recover small pieces of the past me but it is coming so uncomfortably slow and in weak moments that  find myself gravitating back  towards depending on others  for my security, acceptance and approval.

I know that I must be willing to get rid of my old life to move forward, but I want, NO I need, to hold on to some of my old life.  The woman that was invincible against all odds.  The woman that was physically strong, the woman that was emotionally formidable, not caring what others thought.  She had total control of who and what she let into her heart. 

Or given the current situation, I have to wonder is this what broke my heart?

I wonder if I should be heading back to the hard impenetrable emotions of my past life, or continue to leave myself vulnerable,  stripped and wide open for pain,  doubt and uncertainty to walk in.

 What kind of life is waiting for me?

little girls cry, big girls say....

And I seem to be caught between the two….
I want to scream fuck…. just as soon as I finish crying.  All of the control I thought I had over my own life and emotions  have been seriously tested and I find myself in a ridiculous struggle with me.  This is not what I had planned and certainly not what I expected.

Damn!

I will not live in fear anymore!

I want a whole life.
not this stunted partial version of a life.
I will not live in fear anymore!

I am going to seize my days as fully as this heart and body permit,
I want passionate living to open me fully
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to open my heart until I become completely uninhibited,
free of doubt and worry.
I will not live in fear anymore.

I choose to risk my significance;
for a chance to experience a whole life,
full of unbridled strength, love and happiness.

I will not live in fear anymore!

Pay No Attention to the Woman Behind the Curtain

The other night among creative friends, we played an interesting card game.  It was more than a game and I have heard people talk about these kinds of cards, but never really felt compelled to participate in that kind of “tarot” like fortune telling.  As we went around the circle drawing cards and then reading and discussing the interpretation, I was absolutely astounded in how accurate the cards and the explanations seemed to be.

It was my turn, and I drew a right side up wolf.   The interpretation was a teacher, a teacher?  I thought that was interesting, but not so sure it was correct.  The truth is I do something that looks like teaching, but I never saw it as that.  For the most part I use Julia Cameron’s description of what I do, “facilitator”.  Facilitator made so much more sense.  I cannot teach anyone how to be creative, they already know .  I gently and safely facilitate their journey to the path of their own creativity and happiness.  I only help them see what is already there.  For the most part I feel like once a year we all go on a journey to the Wizard of OZ, where at the end Dorothy finds out all she had to do was click her heels and speak out loud what she wanted.  The power was within her all along.

Throughout the summer, new creatives will often compliment and thank me for what I do. Although I truly appreciate the accolades, my first reaction is like the exposed wizard in the movie hiding behind the curtain.  We are both desperately manipulating levers, and buttons frantically searching for the magic combination that will produce a big “ta-da” moment in life,  while sternly announcing,  “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”.

The wolf card says I am a teacher…
Julia Cameron calls it a facilitator;
I  just call it a creative.
I have the same fears and am just as scared as everyone else in class.  The only difference is I expose my fear and failures so others will see the grief and the joy of being an artist.  When I fail, when I succeed, it will give others the courage to do the same,
I just do it out loud.

Teacher?

Facilitator?

Pay no attention to the woman-teacher-facilitaror behind the curtain!
But watch the creative!

As the creative is carefully watching for her own teachers, past and present that will take her to that place in the world where  she is suppose to be.

Sunset and a Blue Moon...

Every once in a blue moon
the most phenomenal things can happen!

VoG Women Celebrations

It is seldom the big events of life that stick with me, but the small miracles and little celebrations that prove to be my life’s defining moments.

We have all walked together the past few years passing through unspeakable tragedies and remarkable successes.  Last night was like coming home to welcoming arms! 

Recently our friend had to move from her home she had loved and lived in for 17 years.  While she was there, she had shared the ownership with a special few, when she invited  us to come paint her fence and celebrate the creation of a new garden.   She is warm, loving, talented, supportive, honest, open, vulnerable and strong all wrapped up in a singular spectacular package.

She had to give up her little home and magnificent garden to make major life course corrections, and moved  into a small apartment,  bestowing  on those that loved her,  all of the treasures of that wonderful little garden that she could not take with her to the small gardenless apartment.  Her, bells, candles, plants, and precious ceramics all found new homes in each of our separate gardens and the memory of that special night that we painted her fence stayed alive in our hearts and imaginations.

It seemed so right that all of those garden gifts she shared with each of us return home to her as she begins this new part of her life in her brand new home with a brand new garden.   

And, so they did.   

I am reminded how lucky I am to have these extraordinary women to laugh with, grieve with, cry and celebrate life with.

Welcome home Elle, welcome home!

Outside the gates...

Do not tell me…

what I cannot do... This heart, this body is well suited for telling me what I can and cannot do and right now it is telling me to push harder than I (my family, my friends and the doctors) ever thought possible. It is telling me to live now, live every moment to its fullest and embrace every incredible miracle! My physical heart may have some limitations but my emotional heart and my life are limitless. I will not lie down and quit, I will not waste my life regretting what I did not do! Do not tell me what I cannot do….not now!

One

Life....

5 more things....

I am grateful for

1.        AMAZING creative friends!  Not only talented,  but an absolute blast to be around.  How did I get so flippin lucky!?

2.       SISTERS…..whew!  Can never have enough, and I have the best! 

3.       My little studio, crammed full of colors and fun stuff, memories of what I used to be and the promise of what can still be!

4.       A husband that does not expect crappy “wifey woman” stuff.   If house chores and cooking don't get done because I am in the studio working (or having a bad day) NO BIG DEAL….

5.       And again - and always….my incredible heart!

Screwing Up My Courage!

Knees are shaking, heart is pounding…
This year’s summer Artist’s Way group is about to begin and my first thought is to run like hell to a safe hide out.  I worry that I will not have enough breath to talk as much as I need to especially the first class, when it is all me. 
I wonder how many of the new members of the group, will notice. 
Or will they care?
Can I be as candid, outrageous and enthusiastic as I need to be?  Can I still dance, sing and laugh like I used to? 
Can I let go of all of my fears and ego to embrace my own creativity enough to guide them back to theirs?
I have mourned the loss of the life I knew waiting patiently for a new life to miraculously appear…
It has not….
I am the one that allowed heart failure to take them away from me and now I want them back! 
It is time for me to screw up my courage and go get my life!

My Imagination...

I want to run away, hide from the world, dance on the deck under a full moon, skinny dip at sunrise, read silly books in deep comfy chairs, make sweet passionate love, sip wine at sunset and let the real world pass me by without  knowing I am here.
                                                                                My once in a "blue moon"!  

A Week in the Studio...

The house is a mess, weeds have taken over the flower bed, I have not cooked a thing in days (this is a good thing!), folded clean laundry stacked, but not put away and it does not bother me one bit!

I have nasty methylcellulose (from the wet layered papers) stuck in places on my body it should never be, and a cloud of chalk dust that follows me around like Pig-Pen in the Charley Brown comic strips.

Between paper layers drying, I’ve sung and danced (badly) to The Beatles, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Van Morrison, Led Zeppelin, Chicago , etc. as it blasts through the house (surprised the neighbors have not complained…yet)

The studio smells like an industrial “haz-mat” area from all of the spray fixative

I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs to all of my doubt and fear.

“Look out world…...SHEEEEEEEES BACK!”

There is NO drug in this world that could give this life back to me!

I had to figure it out alone...It had to be me...It is me!

Renaissance

"Play Me"

Ideas and work are exploding in my heart, head and studio.  For such a long time I have avoided going back to the layered paper pastel.  I did not want to fall back into the “it’s all about the marketing art production” and for all of the years I worked in the layered papers it required hours of standing on my feet.  I did not feel I like I would ever do this again.  My acts of creation have always been upright and active, I convinced myself that I could not do it any other way and grieved the loss.  How empowering to discover ….I can… still do it!


"You are the sun, I am the moon
You are the song, I am the tune,
Play me"             Neil Diamond

Blowing My Own Horn



"It's Complicated"

So much healing available to me when I am willing to look at my whole life, not just the “pretty”, “did it right” parts.  For the very first time ever, I am blowing my own horn and exposing the dark crooked places in my own heart, to me.

5 more things...

5 More Things I am Grateful for…

1.       My 2 wonderful sons, they have grown into such amazing men, and I am so proud of everything they are and will continue to accomplish in their lives.  Don’t know what I did to deserve the honor that brought them into my life, but I am so incredibly grateful!

2.       Another pile of dirty laundry (I hate laundry) but that pile of dirty clothes is a visual/physical reminder of the amazing living that was done this week, and I am grateful.

3.       My most magnificent heart, that even under the most difficult situations continues to do an awe-inspiring job of supporting my body and receiving glorious love.  I am grateful!

4.       The exciting new opportunity of an exhibition in August to create and show my art works.  That people still believe in me and my art work still has value.  I am grateful!

5.       My friends and family that love me, that I know are there to pick me up when I fall, but stand out of my way and let me fly.  There is no bigger gift they could give me and I am more grateful than any of them will ever know!

Next...

Just finished another semester,  the painted baby grand piano is finished and has had an exciting very successful unveiling with jazz singer Miss Jacqueline Jones, and the grand children have come and gone. 

The last 2 weeks were brutally busy!

What most people do not understand, and what no one tells you…. is how much unbridled energy comes from the doing! (NOT conserving my energy!)  Yes- it is hard….Yes-there were 4 times (that I will admit to) breaking down and crying that I just could not do this anymore, Yes-there were frustrating  times that I fell out and slept for hours in the middle of the day but the biggest YES of all….. I did it anyway!

Looking forward to summer and all of the exciting things I will be doing NEXT!

Wings & Pitch Forks

If an angel earns her wings every time a bell rings, Then I truly qualified for a pitchfork every time the text message signaled. Wicked wicked fun, the most I have laughed in years. The first time anyone has seen me as a real (not sick) person in what feels like forever. OMG…. I so needed this!

Holy Shit!

Fear is a Really Crappy Place

The hardest part about heart failure is….where I let the pain take my head.   Fear is a really crappy place.

I want her back

My well  worn  art show chair, a glass of pinot, a rising full moon, and a heart full of memories and my imagination should be soaring forward.  But, I am finding it is so much easier to drift backwards when I was confidently clear about who I was and where I was going.   Where is that Cheryl, I want her back!

That Cheryl  would never be afraid of teaching a new class; she would be reveling in anticipation.   I want her back.
   
That Cheryl would be dancing in moonlight celebrating a new exhibition opening  not second guessing herself, scared to death. 
I want her back!  Damn it, I want her back!

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Screwed up my courage and stepped on- or-over so many traditional boundaries yesterday that I have certainly set a record somewhere! 
It was terrific… 
So…. here is what I figured out in one afternoon
There is a huge amount of energy and power in doing what scares me. 
Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Nap Attack!!!

Getting to be a part of a dear creative friend’s  preparations to “launch” on to the art show circuit was a hoot!  Quite by coincidence, she bought a tent just like mine.  We had a tent virgin practice set up, in the front yard that involved wrestling  with “miles “ of canvas and retractable poles  not to mention all of the little tips and tricks  Skip and I have learned over the years including how to build the infamous Evans' Art Show Lanai….. so many grand stories happened behind our tent!   I had great fun watching them begin this adventure and for just a little while, I lived vicariously through them, but it also reminded me how much I loved and miss this life.

Could have been the belly laughs as we set that tent up for the first time or the bout of feeling sorry for myself  when they left or a combination of both,  but I was attacked by a nasty nap that snuck up on me …... I hate when that happens!

When the Past Catches Up....

For the most part, my past and the people that are in it, have followed me right through to the now.  No secrets, it is what it is.  But, through Facebook an old high school friend (actually much more than an old friend) and I have reconnected.  For a few minutes as I read or type, I feel like I am 16 again, with all of the memories and excitement of a giddy teenager.  As we exchange information about how our lives moved on, our parents, our children, spouses and jobs, I wonder are there rules about telling someone that you have a chronic terminal illness.  hmmmm?
Is it important?
Will it scare them?
Will I feel less than?
Do they care?
Is it too personal?
And….how the hell do you even start that conversation?????
Someone really does need to write a rule book on this! 

(For the record, I have decided not to, because at least in one person’s eyes, I am still whole and….I like that!)

New Batch of Stick People!

Problem With Perfection

Perfection is a standard that other people set. 
A standard that insures the rest of us feel inferior.

There will always be those who work hard to create images of perfection.  They become thinner, smarter, richer, and more successful, not because they need to be more perfect, but they need others to feel less perfect.  

Exploiting my imperfection is how some will exert power and control over me.

I can be “not” perfect without giving away my power.
I am not perfect and it is OK!

I Am NOT a Patient...

Even Webster knows...
Patient-(noun) a person who is under medical care or treatment.
Patient-(adjective) bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.

I am NOT a patient;

I am a person that is no longer patient with today’s medical industry!

I am a unique impatient person with a happy secret! 

If only my docs and nurses knew,

I am not a patient!