I do not know how to do this….

About the time that I think I am ready to begin moving into a “new normal” waves of grief, guilt and just plain fear overtake me and I fall apart all over again.  It takes the smallest unexpected thing to ignite the insecurity and grief.  Yesterday a wonderful thoughtful picture sent from an artist friend of Skip helping us sweep up the confetti after last years Artist’s Way Celebration of Creativity.  It was the same exhibition I was going to last night and my first real social outing. All of a sudden I was incapacitated and melted into an emotional pitiful blob.  I was determined to be strong and push through…I did go, I just could not stay…I was overwhelmed and afraid…I am just not ready.  I am not ready for a world that he is not in…I do not know how to do this…

"How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?" Al Green

Nothing in this world....

There is absolutely nothing in this world that came close to preparing me to suddenly and unexpectedly lose the love of my life, the man I spent the past 46 years with, the father of my children, my best friend.  There are no words to describe the pain and the loss and the feeling of being so alone, even though my life is filled with people that love me and loved us. The hole in my heart and my life just seems incomprehensible at times…but I know somewhere in my heart that there is no choice but to move forward, honoring him, making him proud of me by being strong. 
I love and miss you so much….

"I Will"  Ben Taylor