life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Tuesday, January 31, 2017

I can say just about anything I want to here….(but I did not check the “adult content” box when I signed up, so there are SOME restrictions!)

SO…. here is the most important thing I have learned from the recent elections…..
Although I rarely state my specific political views…I have NEVER argued, berated or rebuked others personally for their comments and/or opinions on line.  Responses I have received have been for the most part encouraging.  Most of my FB friends seem to appreciate unprovocative relevant quotes, but there have been others that have been rude, ugly, and personal.  I have even been chastised for not clicking the “like” button on their post. I am tired of being expected to listen to others opinions, but most are unwilling to listen to mine.
Instead of simply responding to others, I am influencing peace and understanding. I am writing, emailing and calling the people that have the ability to make decisions and change. I am always open to intelligent and yes even passionate discussions, but not the rude and ugly ones. 

My lesson.....I do not discuss politics with those that are incapable of hearing both sides of a issue, before forming a decision or an opinion.
"Everybody's Talking" Nilson

Monday, January 30, 2017

Isn't She Lovely?

It was busy busy and at times overwhelming for me, I can only imagine how it must have been for Harper! 
Seems like yesterday she had just arrived, so fragile and tiny!  It hardly feels like it could be a year.  In addition to arriving at her one birthday, she was also baptized in a Catholic church.  So very different than how I feel and what I believe, but anything that is filled with that much love….has to be a good thing!

Love always comes with a big healthy dose of respect and honor for others thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  And this amazing little miracle girl reminder that perfect love is real!
"Isn't She Lovely"  Stevie Wonder

even when it hurts....

I was taught ages ago (I will NOT be defining the term ages) but as a young person, I grew up in a world that the mere color of your skin determined where you could and could not go.  I did not question, it was the world I grew up in.  As a teenager I moved from a small rural southern town to Miami.  It was a different world, and I was in shock.  Desegregation MEANT desegregation! My new school was a 50/50 mix.  I met and learned I was not different or better. It was not just skin color but ethnicity, too! The Cuban crisis was still “fresh” and I was introduced to a new culture and language too! All of it was different, scary, and wonderful at the same time. 

So when you call me a bleeding heart leftist liberal, I can only respond that it has nothing to do with politics, it is life experience.  And I want my life and my legacy to be about amazing life experiences and love…..(never fear and hate)   Love…even when it hurts. 


"For What it is Worth"  Buffalo Springfield

Friday, January 27, 2017

My Voice Matters




I think restoring my balance may need using my voice, well actually my words, to influence (I hope) the real world.  I am committing to writing those that should be representing me.  I know they will not always vote the way I would like them to, but I would like to think my voice matters.


"Don't You Forget About Me"  Lucy O'Byrne

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Out of Balance....

Ok..Ok… I confess….I have not been to the gym since 2015….and the cupcakes/no pants, last week!  There is a distinct possibility that my life is more out of balance than I originally thought.

I have said it several times, in several different ways that I truly do feel out of balance since the election and even more so since the inauguration.  I see some never take a stand, perhaps out of political and/or social politeness.    Maybe they do not know, or maybe they do not care, or GOD forbid, maybe they agree with what is happening to us.  And here is the scary thing…..maybe they think the same thing about me. I know I have sat silent, biting my tongue, reigning in my immediate responses or not responding at all to outrageous political misinformation that is flung at me on a daily basis, for no other reason than to NOT have a disagreement or suffer their wrath.  I am trying so hard to keep the peace with acquaintances, friends and family.  Desperately hanging on to a positive attitude and good relationships with others by a thread, I feel like I have sacrificed my own peace and balance. 
"Keep Breathing"  Ingrid Michaelson

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

And getting deeper by the day!

I have arrived at a point in my life that I could kind of sit back and enjoy life, perhaps have a chance to retard maybe even reverse the growth of the WTF wrinkles with the latest and greatest anti-wrinkle products.

Then we have an election…. and there are not enough words to express my unending day by day WTF shock  at the lies, the cabinet choices, the gag orders, the reversal of EPA concerns, women’s abortion rights and it goes on and on.  I can literally feel the wrinkles between my eyebrows getting deeper every day!

"Get Back" The Beatles

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Smile right back at me!




I will admit I have a healthy mess of raucous demons….they will not be easily tamed.  But I have managed a couple of the bigger more enthusiastic ones and will confess that my heart and soul are so much more calm, making room for more constructive things to happen to me.  I am not sure I am ready for my heart to “settle flat” but I would love for life to smile right back at me!


"Something New"  Tom Fletcher

Monday, January 23, 2017

Thank You

To all of those, known and unknown to me, that went into locations and situations that were new and scary and different to stand up for what they felt was important and right, you have my utmost appreciation and admiration….Thank you for marching for your ideals, and the ideals of so many more that could not be there……and me!



"Thank You"  Natalie Merchant

What?..... They don't?..... How the HELL did that happen?

When I was young my parents used the term half-truths to describe how I wheedled my way out of punishable offenses.  I suspect it may be in the DNA because both of my own sons were also experts at half-truths.  I would have bet my left elbow that one, if not both would grow up to be litigating attorneys. And for the record…half-truths, then (by my parents & I)  and now (as I watch my own sons parent), carry the same punishable results as lies.
  
Thank goodness, the term “alternate facts” had not yet made an appearance!  In the past, most of us listened to the different opinions, beliefs and views of others and had enlightening although often times contentious discussions.  When it was done and over we still respected one another.  We shared/argued points of views without condemning each other personally or feeling like it was our duty to change their minds and have them agree with us. 
  
The unfortunate typical childish technique now being used by so many adults, including our top political officials of  evading uncomfortable questions with irrelevant accusations and presenting “alternate facts” (AKA half-truths) is baffling.  However, the new twist of condemning the inquirer (and those associated) as unfairly attacking, aggressive, dishonest, and morally corrupt…. makes me crazy and…..I need no help with that and thank goodness my sons are grown!
"Be Honest"  Jason Mraz

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Pussy Hat FAIL



My intentions were to crochet myself a pussy hat in solidarity for today's Woman's March in DC and the world, unfortunately there was a minor glitch in the plan....I do not know how to crochet, and as it turns out...I am a slow crochet learner!

All of you amazing marchers (and crochet-ers) have my greatest admiration and appreciation!


"I'm a Woman"  Koko Taylor
(that cannot crochet)

"It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official."


 Theodore Roosevelt's words  “Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official, save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country. It is patriotic to support him insofar as he efficiently serves the country. It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country. In either event, it is unpatriotic not to tell the truth, whether about the president or anyone else.”

"They Know"  Eric Bibb

....the right thing.


In all of my life…I have never experienced an election or the politics of this past year. 

My heart aches to watch our country honor and bow to the unacceptable behaviors we would not accept from our own children, friends or loved ones.  It is my sincerest hope that good people with high ideals of peace, love and common good for all people will continue to lawfully press to the fullest extent our senators and representatives to do the right thing. 


"What's Going On"  Marvin Gaye

Friday, January 20, 2017

"ALT" TV

I am not sure I have ever been so grateful for “ALT” TV! 
I have tried over and over and over again to give this almost president… my honor and respect and each time he proves he does not deserve it….My sons would have been punished for making up stories for no other reason than degrade and undermine others…calling people debasing names…humiliating women….lying about money business dealings…making undeliverable promises…taking credit for other people’s work….cheating people….  I never supported that kind of behavior then, and I cannot celebrate or watch it today.

With sincere apologies and a desire to do the right thing I can forgive anyone and anything…but....


"Same as it Ever Was"  Michael Franti

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Middle finger at the ready!



Yeh..yeh…I am working on it…But it is not easy!

There is a fine, wicked and difficult line to cross when we get to this point in life, and there are not many that are even willing to talk about it…and this includes me.  I made a decision to move forward.   I want the same medical industry that has frustrated the hooey out of me, to reply and respect my decision.  But at this point there has been absolutely no response.  I guess I should not be surprised; I just need to stick to my guns, be strong, and keep my middle finger at the ready!


"Waiting for my Real Life to Begin"  Colin Hay

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Palliative Care

My dear friends, this is not how I wanted to share this with you, so please accept my apologies right up front. The thought of calling each of you separately and having to explain it  over and over again, was more than I could do...But it was important to me  that you hear this from me with calm resolved love and I did not want you to find out from others and panic unnecessarily.   Six weeks ago, after long soul searching and 6 years of extremely difficult, painful and expensive curative care I chose to begin palliative care through a local hospice organization.
I know the word hospice is scary, believe me...I know, but I need you all to understand that it is different now.  Hospice is the only way, in the state of Florida where terminal patients can receive palliative care, and palliative care is the type of medical care that is going to help me have the best  most productive, happy life I possibly can with all of the medical and emotional support I need.
Before making this decision, I had the most amazing opportunity to spend some time with a nationally known palliative care physician, Dr. Ihrig, He has been a magnificent gift to me and we still communicate via email and phone. It was a strange and unusual set of circumstances that brought him into my life and I truly believe that the Universe had a great deal to do with it.  He has a TED talk that I suspect will explain palliative care and my feelings much better than I ever could,  I have included his video if you want to understand more.  I love you all…. And I need you to know….I am not quitting….I am choosing to live the best life I can!

Ya' think ???

For those that think I have my shit together….all I can say is….I believe they are still accepting nominations for this years “Oscars”, I’ll send you the form, you can write in my name!

Between life changes, Trump inauguration (aughhhh), and general massive frustration, I feel like the tarnish is settling in on my “sparkle”.  Maybe I just need to go out somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs…hit something or someone.  Because I need my fucking sparkle…that’s why!

"Angry Eyes"  Loggins & Messina
I forgot how GREAT this song was, listening to it again...and again...and again

Friday, January 13, 2017

Secret Language

I have heard this all my life, gave it lip service all of my life, but did not really understand what it meant until recently.  I think I have mentioned before that the work has almost become my secret language.  I can say just about anything I want to say, regardless of how rude, opinionated, or inappropriate it may be….I can say it.  The fact that most will not understand it does not seem to make a difference to me….I just need to say it…and it does feel very good to say it.


"Everybody's Talking"  Harry Nilson

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Submitted!



Up early, photographed work (that was finished enough to photo, but still needs work),corrected and formatted for submission, then sent them to "Nude Nite"now I cross my fingers and.... w a i t.
The worst part of all of this!
"Say What You Need to Say" 40 x 60
"Curves" 22 x 32

"Art" Tanya Davis

Looked into a fire and smiling!

It has been a week (and then some)….I had all but thrown my hands up and said “I quit” it has been a really really hard couple of months!  Then after saying “no” I am too sick to do Nude Nite this year….I asked myself why…..why not?  It is doing what I love doing. Creating and painting may just be how I have learned to love myself.  The last few days have been particularly brutal, failing frequently trying to create something new and different (for me).  I am pooped, I am sore, and my brain is “mush” but I have finished, well finished  and satisfied enough to photograph and send into the jury.  

I have looked into the fire and I am smiling!  Stay tuned for whether or not I am accepted in the exhibition!

"Bruised not Broken"  Joss Sone

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Say it OUT LOUD!

Energy….I want more ‘effing energy. 

I want to paint and create and LIVE . 
I want my heart to work right. 
I want a life of happy, creative, fun, loving, and yes….. perhaps a little naughty  stuff!

(I have pushed way past my boundary painting for Nude Nite…..I hope I get in!)

And since I have never said it out loud....
"Trump is an asshole"!


"Say What You Want to"  Sheryl Crow

So here is a new one....you know you are just way too tired when you step into the shower while still wearing your underwear....Holy Crap!

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I am busy...... painting





It is hard to explain….when so much of life has been spent taking care of others, taking care of me often makes me feel guilty and selfish…..although I will confess…that when I am creating I have no problem saying not now, later or NO.  

So please add “I am busy painting” first on this list!


"Turn, Turn, Turn"  The Byrds

Monday, January 9, 2017

Say What You Need to Say.....progress...

OMG…I think it might work!....2 days….no sagging….wish I could say the same thing about me!  Got other weirdness in the works that are equally, if not more engineering-ly challenged. Now that I know it will work, I can keep working and finish... AND NO…I just do not seem to be able to work flat.


"Say What You Need to Say"  John Mayer

"Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
 Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open (a wide heart)
 Say what you need to say"


John Mayer

...and bite me in the ass


There are some days that feel just like this...  I do not plan them….they do not announce themselves…they just happen.  They sneak up behind me when I least expect them and quite frankly when I think I am at my most vulnerable.....and bite me in the ass.  I know all creating comes with disgusting amounts of doubt and fear, but yesterday the emotional and physical exhaustion  it produced, bit me in the ass, chewed me up, and then spit me out!


"Have a Little Faith"  Michael Franti

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Woman Driver




This silly little “bean car” (because from the side it looks like a bean) has been around for all of the Evans grandchildren!  Beginning with Oliver 13 years ago.  I found it at a neighborhood garage sale, who knows how old it was even then.  Our first “drives” with Oliver were in St. Augustine at the Christmas parade.  It has been a part of every Evans little person since then.  Nana’s  silly little “bean car” has a new home and its very first woman driver and its very last Evans little driver, but oh my is she a cute one!


"Drive My Car"  The Beatles

Friday, January 6, 2017

FEISTY is on the way!


I have been officially labeled non-compliant for a while now….no big deal….but then yesterday I received an email regarding my s-icd that reminded me I should be proud of it! In fact, I am fairly certain, they should be the ones labeled non-compliant! Holy Crap! Watch out..... FEISTY is on it's way!


"I'm a Loser" The Beatles

Thursday, January 5, 2017

!t wAs a gReAT yEAr!

I know...I know...I am running late on this one....but this big canvas for the Nude Nite jury date 1/12 is chapping my ass!  Paddling as fast as I can, but dear god....I am much slower than I used to be!
Wait for it...the video seems to be like me sLOw (to load)!

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

I am the lucky one!



Living and celebrating!  I cannot remember who said this and on top of that, I am going to paraphrase poorly, but what keeps ringing in heart, is “you do not really figure out how to live, until you realize you are dying”.  And here is the real ugly part, by the time you figure this out; there will most likely be gross physical, mental or financial limitations.

 I am the lucky one!  These things have applied to me however I am still functioning, frustratingly slow and overwhelmingly tired, but wonderfully with little physical pain.  When I do function…. it is good.  I have my creativity, received unbelievable financial gift and  the most amazing hospice team…..
I AM LIVING!


"Walk the Walk"  Eric Bibb

Monday, January 2, 2017

What you.....

This works….I know it does! Well, it works for everything except for cellulite.  Creatives seem to have some of this kind of thought process automatically ingrained in us….but I suspect we all do!  I think we become afraid that our own thoughts and/or wants will make us different and not fit in with what others think we should be….  We cave into the social pressures of things like church, family, community, doctors, lovers, friends and this list can go on and on and on.  But as we get older, we have to answer the question, was this the life I wanted to live. Think, feel, imagine…I am creating myself!

"Evolve"  Anni DiFranco