life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Monday, October 31, 2016

Purple somethings????

I am truly not a WOO-WOO kind of girl but in the past six years this is the third time I have had some weirdness in my house.  None of it scary ghosty kind of stuff, well there was that once, but for the most part it is just kind of strange, maybe totally logically explained but still it is weird!  While taking pics of my Halloween house candle lit, these 2 pics showed up.  All of those purple dots by the candles were not actually there and certainly never seen and orb so purple.  However is orb are nothing but dust particles…ah well that explains it!  But purple???? Then up by the front door…purple swirls….I have no idea how that happened….but the 2 separate pic in different places have purple “somethings” in them?  There have been lots of things happening this week, lots of new ideas, new ways of living life… Wish I knew what purple meant?  What do you think?
"No Such thing" John Mayer

me.....




Sometimes….I am exhausted from the “you will feel better, if you think I am feeling better” performance.   I learned it early in life, and have been doing it  ever since to protect me.  If you do not know I am hurting, you will not ask questions.

I want desperately to figure out how not just perform so they think this is how I am….but to really really really be the happy, bright, smiling, laughing me! 


"Me" Paula Cole

Saturday, October 29, 2016

This is not giving up!

Every once in a great while the Universe conspires to let me know it is there and working….and at times screaming at me.  Yesterday it screamed at me!   The most unlikely set of circumstances were put into motion that I could not ignore.  Synchronicity was working in outrageous ways that could not be ignored!  All I had to do was walk in that path that was placed in front of me.  I wish I could explain to you how truly scary it was!  Afraid I would receive condemnation. Perhaps even more afraid that I might receive validation for that voice in my heart whose whispers keep getting louder and more insistent is right.

And all I can say is YES….yes to every bit of it.  Yes the whispers are valid….Yes the fear is real…YES…I have choices.  Yes…this is part of my life!  This is not giving up….this is living!


"Ants Marching"  Dave Mathews Band
  I had the magnificent opportunity to sit and talk to Dr. Tim Ihrig...I am so very grateful! 


 

Thursday, October 27, 2016

I wish I had of...



I do not have to go in fast, I just have to go in with all of my heart and that is always the hardest part.  It means risk!  So the mantra for me is to go in slowly, go in smart but go in with my whole heart.  Go in knowing that even if I loose….I will survive and I will be a better person for having gone there!  The big picture, the point is to never have to say…..I wish I had of…..

"In my Mind"  Amanda Palmer

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

I thought I already understood.....


Making a dent....

Always looking for my own unique way to make my dent, but then aren’t we all. Perhaps it does not need to be unique….maybe it just needs to be!  I am afraid if I get so caught up in creating my “unique” dent I may end up missing the opportunity to make any dent at all!  Maybe just being here, maybe just expressing myself, maybe just doing what I makes me feel good is “the dent” I need to make!

"So Much too Say"  Dave Matthews

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

You Ought to Try it!

 I still have no intention of explaining it…
 I still totally plan to get away with it, too!
I mean why would anyone even bother to ask me such a ridiculous question? Clearly this is what I was thinking! And...I suspect this is exactly the kind of rule breaking thought process that moves me forward, that keeps me engaged and more alive than I ever could have thought imaginable. You ought to try it!
"Good Girl"  Julian Moon

Monday, October 24, 2016

What I have to do...

I want and need to keep opening my life and my heart to all of the amazing opportunities that are out there just waiting for me.  I know that they are there…Each time I am hurt it is so easy and I suspect natural to shut down and protect myself.  Opening up, welcoming in new possibilities, and enjoying this journey, even the crappy parts, just seems counter intuitive.  But I know in my heart this is what I have to do!

"The Fault in Our Stars"  Troye Sivan

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Steering into the direction of the skid....

This is another one of those sayings that just seems to be counter intuitive.  You know like when the driver’s ed teacher told you “if your car goes into an out of control skid…do not stomp on the brakes or wildly try to steer out of it, instead…do not brake and steer into the direction of the skid”.  What in the world made the instructor think I could do that….it just is not a conscious decision it's instinct! I think it falls under the heading reflex survival.  I always felt that fearlessness comes from instinctive self-preservation, brute strength and unflappable resolve but maybe that is not how this real fearlessness works. I have inkling deep down in my heart that it is not about self preervation….that it is more about  about acceptance, love and tenderness.  I know….it does not make sense…but more like what that driver’s ed teacher said. 

I am just trying like crazy not to “stomp on the brakes or wildly steer out of the direction of the skid”.
"Ironic"  Alanis Morrisette

Saturday, October 22, 2016

I know...I know....language!

I know…I know….language!  But sometimes…just sometimes it should be considered appropriate when there is an important point that needs to be made.

I suspect this maybe one of them, but it is a tricky one for me….although I think there is a great deal of valuable counsel here! Unfortunately, I have vacillated back and forth and still have not figured out when the balance point is on this piece of what I perceive to be great advice.  I just wish I had a more definitive explanation of which“shit” this is applicable to.
"Strip Me" Natasha Bedinfield

Friday, October 21, 2016

Don't Allow.....


Every now and again one of “those” slips up behind me and takes me by surprise.  The big question I have to ask myself “is this real or imagined?”  For the most part people want to be supportive and loving, but there are a few whose mission seems to simply be to belittle and frustrate me and others.  I always wonder how can this possibly be?  I do not understand it.  All I can do I keep them away from heart.

     
"They Know"  Eric Bibb

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Twisted...

It would not be the first time I have heard that whispered behind my back and that is so OK!  Bent in some places makes room for spectacular things to happen.  Things that most people cannot believe could possibly be.  But they can and they do…. all you have to do is make up your mind to see things differently and you will very rarely be disappointed!
"You Get What You Give"  New Radicals

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

It's Happy Heart Day!


And....6 pink hearts!

Six years ago today was the first day of this most amazing part of my life.  It is also the 6th anniversary of my heart attack.  Each year I celebrate my incredible heart for the strength it has given me over these years by painting my chest....just my way of saying thank you my heart...thank you!


"All Star"  OrtoPlot

what I love....


Focusing on what I am good at…..I am not sure everyone would agree that I am “good” at it, but it makes me feel good!  I always have and I expect always will feel good around art and I am learning that I am good (kind of) around arts administration, but have so much to learn yet…a degree in it means absolutely nothing in the real world, it is like a whole new world.   

Getting ready to be on my second art grant review panel,  and although the first went well and I am nervous!  Kind of like a second date with someone I really like. I am learning to stay in and around the “what I love” all aspects of it!  It is after all, what I love.  It is always there
 and has never turned me away or ignored me 
(accept in Casselberry).
"Art" Tanya Davis

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

and those who were seen dancing....

I have never regretted choosing the only life I know how to live.  It took me years to finally find and claim my passion, creating, breaking rules, sharing, and pursuing a life that most will never understand.  It is what I am meant to do, where I thrive, where I love.  But when I hurt, tired and do not feel well, my strength wavers and I become frightened.  “Alone” turns into “lonely” and I begin to buy into most people’s idea that lonely is an unhealthy bad thing.  Fear, desperation and loneliness seep into my life and I think there will be some comfort in pushing myself back into the rules of the “acceptable person” box.  That  giving up who I am to follow others rules will make me more acceptable, others will like me and it will fix the loneliness.  It never does… if anything it makes everything worse!  It brings back all of those I am not good enough feelings of childhood. 

In my creative life I am alone, and it is a good thing, it is where I create, and it is my reality. Loneliness and alone are very different.  Lonely is desperate, sad and dangerous.  Lonely makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough, and I do not fit in. But in my creative world alone is empowering.  Alone I have no other’s idea of me that I need to live up to.  Alone is where I hear the music and can dance.
"Life I Know"  India Arie

Monday, October 17, 2016

Authentic decisions...

“Being” is hard.  When my feelings and struggles in life go against what others feel, it becomes controversial, non-compliant, argumentative even bully-ish.  It is so much easier to just agree.  Everyone would like me. I would be much less vulnerable but it would be a fear filled version of me, fear of not being liked, fear of not being right, fear of hurting others feelings, fear of being different, fear of living and fear of dying. It would be me continuing the life I no longer want.  

There is a very good chance I am wrong, but I am desperate enough to be willing to suffer the consequences of that possibility. I have lived emotionally alone and afraid most of my life.  Fear was the emotion that propelled all of my decisions.  Decisions were never about what was good or right for me, but  what was good for others,and what made me seem good and right to others.  There may have been and still might be lots of times where fear and what is good for me are the same. But I do not know how to tell the difference between the two.  It is the pain of beginning to make authentic decisions.
"Breaking Silence"  Janis Ian

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Aries Moon Dancing....check list!

This is an exciting Full Moon because it is an exuberant time of new possibilities when we must trust our intuition and recognize we have the opportunity to “go for”—whatever we want! The Full Moon in Aries gives us the courage of the adventurer and the spirit of the pioneer to forge ahead toward our goals.
During this Full Moon we have the opportunity to change our lives on an emotional level by standing up for ourselves, and taking care of our needs. We can make healthful changes to our body, for example by losing weight or improving our appearance. Or, we can take risks, we don’t normally take, to find the passionate love relationship we yearn for.
Here are some of the life-changing choices the energy of this Full Moon in Aries gives us the opportunity to make:
1. Be self-assertive and stand up for ourselves....check
Sometimes we just don’t stand up for ourselves. We turn the other cheek to avoid conflict and in the process become “door mats” for others to take advantage. It is not necessary for us to become “the Incredible Hulk” to get what we want.
However, during this Full Moon, we have the courage to communicate honestly and directly to let others know what we want and what are limits are.
2. Do something for us—not them....check
It is easy to be a giver and pay attention to everyone else’s needs but our own. We may find ourselves focusing all our attentions on pleasing and doing for others. For many—that means putting our spouses, children and friends before us.
During this Full Moon in Aries, we realize that emotionally—we must take care of ourselves. Sometimes, we need to be first! We are ready to pamper ourselves whether it’s going for a facial or massage or curling up in bed with a box of chocolates and a great book. Tonight, the family can serve us dinner or take us out for one.
3. Improve our bodies....check
This Full Moon brings us revelations about our physical body because Aries rules the first house of our physical body.
This is a revelation that can come for many of us with the Full Moon in Aries. We can finally change the habits that have gotten in the way of us being healthy and looking the way we want to look.
4. Do something rebellious...check
Aries is known as a sign that follows its desires and goes after what it wants with great passion. The element of surprise and the spirit of rebellion can be an emotional theme now with the Full Moon in Aries.
We often have the desire but lack the courage. That is not the case now.
 5. Find a passionate love relationship..check.
So often in life, we find ourselves settling for relationship that is mediocre. We feel no excitement for the person we’ve been dating. However, we lack the drive to go out into the singles world and find someone who fills us with passion and feels more like the soul mate we have always yearned for.
But this Full Moon in Aries inspires us and fills us with a renewed enthusiasm to find an exciting relationship, no matter how much failure or disappointment we may encounter along the way.
From Huffington Post 10-14-2016
I know….the  ultimate(cough-cough)                        authority...but hey...why not?
"Moondance"  Van Morrison

Friday, October 14, 2016

Enough is Enough!

I did not learn until just recently that I am not required out of politeness or obligation to participate in others negative behavior.  I am not required to react.  In fact I am learning that my reaction and/or response regardless of whether it is negative or positive tends to elicit even more bad behavior.  How much and/or how long I participate in others negative behavior is totally up to me!  In a world full of things that I have NO control over…. where I choose to invest my love, time and energy is the most precious thing I do control.  I am at a point in my life that I honor my happiness and I am not afraid to say to any one’s negative behavior.…..”Enough is enough”! 


"NO" Meghan Trainer

Thursday, October 13, 2016

It is no longer....

In the past I politely rode through the “he said-she said” political rhetoric with a grain of salt.  I shook my head when he called people names, like a school yard bully, but I still withheld my opinion.  I gave him every opportunity to become a legitimate honorable candidate.  But, I have watched him with words from his own mouth degrade Mexicans, the disabled, and most recently women and I have to draw my own line on what I accept as decent behavior.  I need to respect my own heart, my life and honor my own decency! 

"Sunshine"  Johnathan Edwards

Again...and again....and again!

I am embarrassed to admit it….but yes.  At one time my most spectacular screw ups were exactly what I wanted. I did not go into them thinking I was going to screw up that bad but I did!  And yes if I really practiced what I preached…even the things in life I have regretted I should be able to smugly stand here and say “yes I screwed up”, “I broke it” or “I should not have”  but I learned a valuable life lesson.  But what if I did not learn a damn thing, what if I just roar back in there and do it again, and again, and again?

I guess at this point I should say I would not do it that way again, but  Nahhhhh….I would most likely do it exactly the same way!
"There she Goes"  OrtoPilot

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

a woman of strength....

I have always known in some areas of my life I am and have been a strong woman, I had to be, to create the "stay inside the lines" "Leave it to Beaver" family, it was my job to make the world believe that it was what we were..  I had to be strong, it was not a choice.  When I married I had the fairy tale vision of “happily ever after family” I had no idea of what it would turn into. I never would have chosen a life of married, make believe loneliness.  I had to be much stronger than many other married women I knew just  to survive and for the most part surviving was marginal. Maybe all of the loneliness and the times I was left alone to raise my family, work, manage the the house, repairs, cars and kids activities was in preparation for where I am now.  Now I am a woman of strength, loneliness and make believe and again I have had to be strong.  I am going through this most difficult part of my life alone.  Each day of this journey is harder and harder and I become stronger and stronger. I am not complaining, without this strength I do not think I would have made it this far, but sometimes, just every once and a while, it would be wonderful if it did not have to be.

"No Such Thing"  John Mayer

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

I deserve it!


I have no power to pass judgment on anyone but myself, and somehow  judging myself has become a full time job!  I have been, and I suspect I will continue to be hurt by what others may think, do or say.  After the original “stab” of pain, it is my choice how long I allow them or the situation to hurt me. My life is too precious to allow hurt and anger to consume any more of it.
"Waiting on the World to Change" John Mayer

Monday, October 10, 2016

I spoke my mind

And it did…and yes...my voice shook, I stewed over my words, I worried incessantly that I would hurt feelings or piss people off, but I spoke my mind.  It was important for me….I did it twice today. One rant has been met with great approval the other more personal has been met with silence.  I am afraid my brave attempt may have only been half successful.  I made the choice, I will have to live with the consequences.


"I'm a Woman"  Koko Taylor

The Face Book "Rant"

it is my choice.....

I am so grateful to have friends that actually, really and without judgment know me.  They are incredible gifts in my life. I am learning I no longer need to please everyone; I no longer need everyone to like me.  I am becoming strong enough to say no when I am uncomfortable.  The lesson has been to recognize before it is too late, those that function in chaos, those that are incapable to seeing and feeling others pain and those that suck my precious energy.  I am not saying I am right and they are wrong, it is their life, their choices, but I do not need to understand it or be a part of it. If it is uncomfortable I do not need to justify my feelings to anyone but me.  I honor them, I honor their choices, but I do not have to participate in them physically, spiritually or emotionally.
"Best Friends"  Jason Mraz

Sunday, October 9, 2016

I would not hire this man for any job!


My trust and my vote are earned....

I do not care how long ago it was said.
I do not care in what context it was said.
Those words clearly expressed just how this man feels about women. 

I would not hire this man for ANY job, 
and certainly not the leader of the US.


"To dismiss Trump's comments as "guy talk" is an instult to good men and boys.  This is what rape culture looks and sounds like." ~Brene' Brown

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Lukewarm is no good....

It feels like such a long time since I have been truly enthusiastic about life.  I have done things that I love with creatives, friends, and artists that I love, but it has all been done before.  I think maybe I have  desperately hanging on to the things I know will work, that I know are fun, that I know are safe.  Am I so afraid of failing that I only do the things I know will please others and be successful?  Have I given up the excitement of trying something new? Am I afraid of risking and  falling flat on my face, so afraid of failing that I do not even try anymore?  Lukewarm was OK for a while, but not now……
"Walk the Walk"  Eric Bibb

Friday, October 7, 2016

The updated umbrella effect



It is early early morning 6:00 AM to be specific, hurricane Matthew's eye wall is about 70-80 miles from us and so is the wind speed outside, But...amazingly the power is still on!  That means COFFEE!  Woo-Hoo!  That is so exciting!  It is pouring rain and there are some really squally wind gusts.  Apparently an overnight update has the eye of the storm a little further east; perhaps my “turn that hurricane” dance did have some effect.  Or it may be some of what I call the “umbrella effect”….if I have an umbrella with me it probably will not rain. Rain and nasty weather are most likely to happen when I am least prepared. And since I have a generator…maybe we will not lose power.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Here comes an adventure!


Here comes an adventure! Some of it blowing in from the Atlantic another blowing in from my heart!  Both will bring their own set of adventure, either way I am gratefully ready for the challenges and the lessons that will come

….and I know in my heart I will be a much better person for having the experience!


"Connected"  Eric Bibb

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

until I get it right....


I think it is time for that ONE….. perception, thought, surrender, change, and leap.  It is just time to stop being afraid, stop thinking about what others think, stop following their rules.  It is time to experience everything life has offered me!  
And yes you have heard this rant from me before.... I am going to keep doing it until I get it right!

"She is Not Afraid"  One Directions

well crap.....

Well Crap, the official morning news called this “a long duration wind event”...REALLY????  And according to our “doom and gloom” weather forecaster we can expect winds up to 77+mph.  Are you kidding me”???  This is going to be a mess! At this point projections will have the eye of the storm riding up the coast and will be approximately 75 miles away from us at its closet point. I am doing my little happy gratitude thoughts this morning.  I am grateful I do not live on the coast, I am grateful that we will be on the “good” side of the storm, I am grateful that I live in a concrete block house, I am grateful the homeowners insurance is current…. I am grateful… I am grateful … but in mean time I am doing the official “turn the hurricane” dance while preparing to live without power for a while and stocking up a few extra bottles....I think this may be a hurricane party situation!
"Summer Breeze" Jason Mraz

no particular virtue....



I am not certain I could say this any better!  What I do know is, without fail, every time I have screwed up my courage and approached any life situation from a non-traditional point of view, I have not regretted it.  I understand there maybe merit in doing things the way they have always been done, but I have found more growth, joy and inspiration for living by doing it my (aka the wrong) way!


"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

one of those days.....

It is that time of year…when memories flood into my heart, then spill out through my eyes.  I still think every 8 PM phone call, must be Mom…(that was typically after the second or third glass of wine….she is my mother after all!) I remember getting frustrated with her, rolling my eyes over the phone, sure she somehow, someway could see me do it.  And then after a few moments of exasperation I would tell myself be in the moment, enjoy, laugh  and  remember that one day I will wish with all of my heart I could do just this..... Today is one of those days.


"Alone Again"  Gilbert O'Sullivan

Monday, October 3, 2016

...and it is ok

Some of my secrets are still unknown to me, some are.  I can feel them gathering and I do not know why.  

They are my own private stash of wishes, memories, realities and fantasies.  Some I have debuted and shared, others I have not, but maybe that was not the point.  

Maybe the only thing my secrets want me to do…. need to do is reveal themselves to me, acknowledge they are there, or choose whether or not to participate in them.  

The only thing I have to do is have the courage to admit that I have secrets and that it is ok.

"The Story of Your Life"  Matthew West

Sunday, October 2, 2016

A Faulty Equation....

CAUTION....Dangerous whining ahead! 
Most of the frustration of long term terminal situation is NOT dealing with the disease; it is trying to handle the business.  Yesterday’s mail sent me another two reminders that it is not about me or life, it is about the money.  Number 1 was a statement from last year’s insurance company (the one that canceled all Florida customers) paying the doctors’ bills from Aug. 2015 thru Dec. 2015, the very same bills that I had been turned over to an ugly aggressive collection agency for. Number 2 was a notice that my current insurance Humana, will no longer be available to me, which means for the 3rd consecutive year I will have to find another insurance company, via AHC.  The biggest part of this is not struggling with the physical complications of the disease, it is the economic hardship it has created for my family and the gross amount of life and energy  I spend desperately trying to convince myself that I am worth it.
"We Don't Care" Eric Bibb

Saturday, October 1, 2016

But wait....

Some of my thoughts are totally and wholly rude, irresponsible and cheeky.  But I have them and I suspect the rest of you do too.  It could be that the only difference between me and the “holier than thou, I am better than you” people could be this one  thing.  Maybe I am not a bad person for having the tacky “thought bubble” but might qualify as one of the good people by simply keeping my mouth shut.  But wait…..doesn’t that come with a boat load of its own problems?


"Something to Talk About"  Bonnie Raite