life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

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Monday, May 30, 2016

do not want to be afraid....

And here is another version of “do not die with regrets…. “    I have been told time, after time, that the most common sorrow just before death is not repentance for the wrong we have done but the regret for the things in life that you did not do.

And the question that bounces around in my head over and over again is why.  Why don’t we do the things we have always wanted to do?  Is it those rotten rules again?  Is it fear of being different?  Afraid to hurt someone we love?  Breaking the law?

What….what ...what stops me from doing all of those things that I want to do?  Why am I such a chicken about everything.  How is it that I am afraid of so many things
…..but I am not afraid to die.

"She is Not Afraid"  One  Direction






Sunday, May 29, 2016

Maybe it is magical STUFF....


I am different, but never really saw it as magic; it really is more like stuff!  But I am coming to accept my “stuff” as OK.  It is good that it is not like other people’s stuff; in fact I am even beginning to like my stuff.  Not all of it, but a good bunch of it.  I may not be magical, but I hope that my stuff is!


"Magic Bus"  The Who
(or....maybe it is the short bus, too!)

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Whose rules?

No one ever talks about rules, except when I have broken them.  When I broke rules, as I child I was spanked, as a teenager I was restricted and as an adult deprived (money or attention), at no time did anyone ever say there will be times that breaking rules is a good thing.  In addition, there are so many ridiculous rule makers, whose rules take precedence? God’s Rules, government rules, business rules, art rules and unwritten family rules, which ones are the most important, which ones have the least consequence when broken.  And of all of the rules which ones have consequences, and if they do claim consequences are they enforced?

The question is…which ones can I break and benefit from?  Who will it hurt, what if it hurts no one?  Are rules more about protecting others, or keeping me in line with normal? I always gravitate towards those that have broken the rules and become great in spite of the rules….but which rules can I break? Is 62 too late to be breaking rules?
"Born to be Wild" Steppenwolf

Friday, May 27, 2016

The first real casualty....

For the past several years, going to the Dave Matthew's Band concert July/Tampa has been a summer rite of passage for this old woman.  A reminder that I can "hang" with the best of them and that the music I love will heal and energize me. This year I am afraid it is going to be one of the first real casualties of my heart.  The crowds, the walking and climbing up into the stands of an outdoor venue, the heat and yes maybe even the beer drinking….(how can you go to a DMB concert without beer????)  have become more and more difficult.  I love the music, the excitement and watching creatives enjoying their work…. But, for the first time I am having to make choices….real choices and I do not like it...I do not like it at all!
However....I am going on notice….I am NOT giving up anything else this summer!

"Say Goodbye"  Dave Matthew's Band

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

"I meant to do that" moment.....

If 2 “wrongs” do not make a “right”, Can 2 really bad screw ups finally produce an “I meant to do that” moment?

  + One old boring  shirt, with the standard man shirt collar, standard breast pockets, and a 
ho-hum hem
 + a really bad attempt at a batik (cannot do anything else with it) scarf                        _______________________________________
                                                                                     =    anything….. other than a trip to Goodwill?


Well...if I whack off the sleeves and collar, cut up the batik , roll the raw edges and sew on the pieces and parts and I have a  free “new for me” summer shirt.  Maybe 2 (or more) wrongs can make a right!


"I Wonder What she is Doing Tonight"  Boyce & Hart

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

1 minute woman....it's a good thing!

An S-ICD (an implanted defibrillator) and these statistics are the reason I feel so much more confident, happy, more willing to try new things, to live, to love like I have not had the chance to in the past 5 years.  It is the most amazing opportunity at a second chance and I am not wasting it.  I am going to enjoy every minute every second on everything wonderful, fun and alive this life has to offer me!  What a lucky woman I am!

"Heart on My Sleeve"  Mary Lambert


Rumi check list....

Check…check…check and check!  It is not always easy but it is always worth it!  Amazing that a 12th century poet named Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī  from Persia (now Afghanistan) is currently the #1 selling poet in the United States.  Even way back then, we were told to conform, be comfortable, do not challenge the rules, and care about what others think of you.  But clearly Rumi suggests that greatness and happiness comes from doing just the opposite.  No wonder he is the #1 poet!

"A Way with Your Words"  Imaginary Cities

Monday, May 23, 2016

Earthing..... who knew?






And this might just be why I love walking just about any where in my bare feet....or as little shoe as is at all possible!



"Baby Elephant Walk"  Henry Mancini

I am worth...


When I was hurt by others actions or lack of ability to show their emotions, I (and others told me) they did not mean to hurt my feelings, they just could not love me the way I expected them to, it does not mean they loved me less. That always made me feel like I was broken, bad and needy for wanting too much. I gave  them all of my “power”.  The power to make me feel less than, not good enough, that I wanted too much and most important I learned how to believe, I did not deserve anything else or any more than what I was given.  I am learning to forgive, take back my power.  Love and appreciate me for who and what I am…Not what others think I am worth....
"You're the Only Thing in Your Way" Cloud Cult

Sunday, May 22, 2016

When the moon is full....

There are small but crazy amazing coincidences in life that point to the basic theory that there must be something bigger, more magic than any of us can truly understand.  When the moon is full, more babies are born and more crimes are committed without logical explanation, but I think one of the biggest unanswered “coincidences” is that the moon and women both have 28 day cycles. 

The moon is the only thing that is truly constant in my life, has always arrived on time and never lets me down.  I feel  more creative, happy, brave, loving and strong when the moon is full. The cycle that I look forward to and celebrate every month.  A most marvelous event that arrives every 28 days, that does not care if I am deserving or worthy….it just comes and makes me wonder, want to dance and smile….

"Dancing in the Moon Light"  King Harvest

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Magnificent Magnolias

I suspect for most southerners a blooming magnolia tree in the yard is no big deal….but for me….It is huge! 

First ….this is the tree I planted in honor of my Nana  when she died, must have been well over 25 years now.  She had a wonderful big magnolia in her front yard that we climbed as kids.  Of course what I could afford at the time was a stick with 2 leaves in a small pot.  Poor thing finally made it to about 4 feet tall when the boys used it as the front yard baseball second base.  It barely survived that summer!  But I managed to NOT kill it over the years and it is huge and blooming!

Second…I have this “thing” about being the fine southern lady, an aspiration I have never been able to truly pull off.  I cannot do frilly summer dresses, perfectly coiffed hair, and pointy toed high heels and I cannot grow vegetables in the back yard… I am more of a t-shirt and flip-flop, sit on the porch with a cocktail kind of gal.  But by GOD I have a magnificent blooming magnolia in my front yard.  That must be one of the top 10 “proper southern lady” requirement must have list.



This other thing blooming in the front yard may have something to do with me not making the official proper southern lady list....
but Oh MY!


                                   "ooooooo la-la"  The Faces

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Paradox

Predictable and reliable became synonymous in my mind and in my life and both of them were necessary to be successful.  I do not want to be predictable, but have strained to be just that.  In my art I was advised to stick with one style, in my life as a wife and parent the same advice was constantly given.  It was always difficult and uncomfortable, but like most of life, that is expected if you want to be a good person. It just cannot be that black or white.   I am a good person. I can be reliable and NOT predictable!
"Black or White" Micheal Jackson

Friday, May 13, 2016

I am not destroyed...


All of the emotional and physical pains I have survived in this past year have made me strong.  It has brought into sharp focus who I am and what I want my life to be.  It has to begin with me and it is not always easy.

                "Forgiveness"  Matthew West

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Perfect Imperfection



That is it!  That is what I want!  I want to be unapologetically comfortable in my own perfect imperfection!  What if….that is where my talent and power is?  When did I begin allowing my self-worth to become attached to what other people think?  I do not need anyone’s approval, they certainly cannot give or take anything away from my own perfect imperfection! I think the magic is and always will be in the NOT NEEDING and PERFECT IMPERFECTION! 


"And Your Bird Can Sing"  The Beatles

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

NEW WORD...unfitinedness

There have always been a few dear loved ones that did not care that I did not fit in and always supported my “unfitinedness” (un-fit-in'-ed-ness – the unbelievable ability to NOT fit in and not care what others think..... and very similar to unfuckwithable...there is a theme developing here!)   I will be forever grateful to that handful of lovelies in my life that encourage me to live, play, love, go after anything and everything I want from life,  no matter what.  They do not know it, but they have saved my life over and over and over again!

"Smuggler's Blues"  Glenn Fry
(has nothing to do with today's post, just wanted to hear and play it today!)

Monday, May 9, 2016

"ordinary" is an insult

I used to be so angry with my parents, teachers, rules, employers, society and any other entity that extolled the virtues of “fitting in” or “doing what everyone else was doing”.  Just being “good enough” was a full time program for me.  Appearing ordinary took all of the strength I had.  I was chronically reminded that I had never attained really attained ordinary,  I certainly was not good enough to even consider exquisite.   I do not want to be angry anymore……

"Angry Anymore"  Ani DiFranco

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Busy Busy Summer


Oh Boy...It is going to be a magnificent busy busy summer, and this does not include my week at the beach with the grands, an Atlanta trip, or a possible one woman show (jury still out on this one).

"Good Girl"  Julian Moon

There is a Hockey Puck in my Boob!

WARNING….grousing ahead!.....When I tell you there is a hockey puck in my boob…I am not kidding! Now add the fact that I put on a bra that just mashes that thing into my ribs and I think I have is a permanent bruise on my ribs. It is a chronic daily OUCH!  I know (and I am grateful) for everything it does and will do for me.  But the everyday pain provoked by an evening of lifting and installing art….it is screaming today!  Grrrrrrr......

"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood
psssst......I sold and delivered a big piece  too...yay me!

Friday, May 6, 2016

Words

There just is not quite any feeling like it.  Walking through a first time exhibition with nervous and excited emerging artists, then receiving the gift each of them give me…. their joy at accomplishing something they thought impossible!   Another Artist’s Way Exhibition is up and it is wonderful!  

WORDS!

"Beautiful Day"  Indie Arie

....walked through it before


And I have not only survived, but I think I have gotten stronger and just a little smarter each time I have survived!  In the long run, that really has nothing to do with anything special about me, it is just life.  The only real choice we get is do we choose to live our lives the way we want to or do we allow everything and everyone else dictate how we live it.

"Higher Ground"  Stevie Wonder