life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Courageous decisions

I do not know exactly how to let go, then I realize they were never really there.  Because I wanted them to be there, or others thought they were, does not make it so. We played the parts and did it well, but never shared the real feelings that go with the relationship. Relationships communicate on a heart level….we never have. I am only letting go of an "idea" that I thought should be, but never really was. Relationships are not automatic, it has to be acknowledged, honored, celebrated, shared.  I ask forgiveness and understanding, but I am losing something I never really had, but it hurts anyway.  My heart will always be open to what can be. 
"For the Good"  Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel

Monday, March 30, 2015

Running with it



My life and most of the people in it (except for a very few) have done a marvelous job of telling me, reminding me and chiding me for “not doing it right” the latest label that has been bestowed is “non-compliant”.  I was actually told that “I must learn to be compliant”.  When will any of them understand that it is my life, and I refuse to come to the end of it with tons of regrets and disappointments because I did it the way others wanted me to do it, compliant.  Why should I live their lives, chose their decisions, ignoring what my heart is screaming for,  I am taking non-compliant and running with it, but there is a big fat lump in my throat!....


  "Shine"  Jason Mraz

Monday, March 23, 2015

I can do it again....




I do not have to do it all in one day, just let go of some things, and get a little stronger in the others.  I can do this…I can do this…I can do this….I can do this alone.  I don’t want to do it but I can do it.  Small steps in the right direction, feel the pain and the joy with each step. I can do this, I can do this alone, one small step at a time.  I have done it before, I can do it again.



"Do it Again"  The Currys

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Dreaming




I’d rather be dreaming…I do not remember my dreams, (well one or two from childhood that were terrifying) I envy those that do.  It seems like an endless source of inspiration and insight.  Of course the experts say everyone dreams, just not everyone remembers them.  I wonder what my dreams would be like if I remembered them.  Maybe I use up all of my creativity during the day and have none left over for sleeping.

 But I think I would rather be dreaming.


"Dreaming" Loudon Wainright

Friday, March 20, 2015

Now...It makes sense...

I was telling the story of how I avoid the heinous porta-potty at art festivals by choosing a store or business close to where my tent is for the weekend and offer to trade them a print for access to their porcelain and running water facilities for the weekend.  It always works and I am liberated from all of the indecent vulgarity of temporary restrooms. 
She laughed and said, “now it makes sense”.  She could not figure out why she had seen one of my sand hill crane prints, that was obviously not in keeping with the boutique bakery café  foo-foo décor hanging in the ladies room.
   
"I Feel Good"  James Brown

Divine Balance




Yikes!  This one is full of land mines!  So immediately I know that I want art, fun, love but that comes with some heavy prices to pay.
I would love to get rid of the stuff I don’t want, but suspect it is inherently part of the stuff I do want.  If I got rid of one, would it automatically reduce or even completely remove the other?  Could I really get rid of what I don’t want, or is that part of a divine balance that will always reestablish itself?

Could it be that the more crap one has to deal with, means there is more joy and happiness is available to me? Divine Balance?


   "I Lived"  One Republic

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

How Will I know.....





Not certain if I am about  to launch or fall flat on my face.  How will I know is it worth the risk, do I push the fear aside and move forward anyway?


"You Will Never Know Me"  Rachel Robinson

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

They are still mine....



Feels good to be back in the studio!  Nothing feels quite as good as fingers covered in chalk, hand prints on my t-shirt because I had to quickly answer the phone.  The feelings of just letting go, letting it flow through me, always empower me.  It is the only time I really own the art.  The only time that what I think, where I draw, the colors I choose will make any difference.  When it is done....it is no longer mine, it is no longer a part of me.  I can not make any more changes.  I cannot add to or take away from. It belongs to the universe and will be here long after I am gone.


"Ave Maria"  Guy Farley (from Modigliani)

She left the gate open...just for me...

There are days I miss her so much!  And although she never was the wild Mother, she would like it to be remembered like that.   I am struggling with a decision and she would most likely tell me...forget what they want, just do it, do it the way you feel, do not compromise ideas,  thoughts or what my heart feels is right.  I have to move past whether people will like my work or not.  Move past whether it will sell or not.

She left the gate open...open myself to vulnerability, and you all know how much I hate that!  

"Secrets"  Maroon 5

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Art Festival from another perspective...



It is wonderful to share the experience of an art show with new emerging and aspiring artists. It makes my heart sing! So much fun to watch them receive the admiration and accolades for their talents they so richly deserve!  Even if I cannot do it....the "jazz" is still there helping them do it!

And I still get to participate in "other" ways!
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/lake/os-lk-art-festival-leesburg-20150312-story.html

Monday, March 9, 2015

Celebrating International Woman's Day with Maya

Phenomenal Woman

My superheroes!




I am drawn to these strong women, they give me strength, they remind me that there is nothing I cannot do, I am strong, and drama does not create energy it destroys it.

Quiet, elegant , boundless, strength and grace does not come easy.

"Sister"  Dave Matthews

Sunday, March 8, 2015

"See as the painter sees"

"To paint is to love again. It’s only when we look with eyes of love that we see as the painter sees. His is a love, moreover, which is free of possessiveness. What the painter sees he is duty-bound to share. Usually he makes us see and feel what ordinarily we ignore or are immune to. His manner of approaching the world tells us, in effect, that nothing is vile or hideous, nothing is stale, flat and unpalatable unless it be our own power of vision. To see is not merely to look. One must look-see. See into and around."  
Henry Miller

"From Me to You"  Janis Ian

I don't Know


This year’s art journal group is a really serious and deep bunch. Once a month I am forced to confront some really profound life issues, even when I don’t want too!  I am still not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but this  month the subject of my piece is “I Don’t Know”…and I am just leaving it at that!

"What does it mean?  I don't know.  
Really I don't know and it is not from lack of trying. Religion, philosophers, gurus, counselors, books, endless hours of meditation, reading and study...and I really do not know.
What happens to me if I never figure out, what it means?
What would happen if it does not mean anything?
Who would care?
Does God?  Other people, or is it just me?"

"Closer to Fine"  Indigo Girls

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Caution.....Ranting Ahead!

As a very young liberal, and practicing hippie/radical (according to my step-father) this was the mantra that was constantly being preached to me. He never saw protests and civil disobedience as a positive.
Years later, I have to agree with him to a certain point. As an older liberal and practicing and teaching artist this mantra “be a part of the solution” has become part of my life mission. Time and time again, volunteering being a part of the solution have been the most wonderful and fulfilling adventures of my life.….except when it comes to dealing with my very own city. The city I have lived in and volunteered for over 37 years have proven themselves to be the most frustrating example of fear and thanklessness, and I believe I am more qualified than most to make this observation.
So afraid of doing something wrong or “found out” they do nothing, they ignore those that want to participate and then ask for your support. Scared to think out of the box, they repeat the others creativity. Focused on one medium they ignore others. If you do not fit precisely into the mold you are ignored, rarely acknowledged, thanked or appreciated. Always treated like a bother, never seen as a willing contributor.  They make me feel small, unimportant, irrelevant, unworthy,  I wonder if they have any idea that they are turning their back on marvelous creatives that could be this city’s most amazing resource!
 
"Mr. Big Stuff"  Jean Knights

Friday, March 6, 2015

Can't Sleep....















I have had a lot of sleepless nights recently!  Maybe this is why….


"My Moon"  Mary Lambert

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Beautiful Disaster



I am a champion of  perfectly imperfect …. Daily!  The day after the first class is always full of “What did they think?  Was I effective?  Did I remember to tell them everything? “  And then I begin to doubt everything!  I hate when that happens!  So today I need to happily sit with myself this morning, content with being a beautiful disaster!

"Undun" The Guess Whoo

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Naked and Exposed

I feel vulnerable, naked and exposed! 

You would think After so many many years of facilitating the Artist’s Way you would think another  first class is just that another first class.  As each new group gets ready to start, IT begins….. I am scared to death, my heart pounds, I panic, I sweat, my throat is dry and my voice cracks! I wonder if they will notice.  Every fear you can imagine is lurking just under my skin. The terror is overwhelming, but I know on the other side of the fear, there is another unique and incredible journey waiting for me with creative experiences with new friends.

There is a new electricity and energy filling my heart!

"Say (All I Need)"  One Republic

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

As a bona fide control freak...


I cannot control what my physical heart does and I have tried! It has such a mind of it's own. Some days it feels like I am me, with absolutely no limitations, or evidence of heart failure, other days it rears it's ugly head announcing itself with swollen feet and hands, then it refuses to support even the easiest activities regardless of of my intent.

I am learning now how to listen but to hear my heart.  The only thing I have any control over is how I react to the day to day changes and challenges.
And....
as a bonafide control freak....


"The Heart of Life"  John Mayer

Monday, March 2, 2015

Sensitivity is my strength!

I cannot imagine that I could possibly experience anything more or better than how it feels to be sensitive.  But when you live this life, chances are you will do it alone.  It is hard for others to understand.  I have always viewed it as a deficit, often feeling damaged and unable to keep up, or even stupid not understanding why I was so hurt when others could simply walk through the same situation without blinking.
 
I wonder, are they more like me, are they just better at hiding and pretending?

Are they afraid... afraid of the pain when they cannot understand the gifts.

My heart sings when I see and feel other's sensitivity,
it means I am not alone!

Sensitivity is my strength!


"Shine"  Jason Mraz

Sunday, March 1, 2015

more or less





If I had a manifesto, 

I think this would be it!  
16 different words + just 3 more….

I AM HERE!




"I Will Be There for You"  Ann Reed