life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Saturday, February 28, 2015

It is that simple...


It is that simple! 
Note…I did not say it was easy! 
Nothing about this is easy!

“Every step you have taken 
disappears with the tide
You're torn up and shaken 

with changing your mind
You haven't got the grace 

to say you'll finally decide
and you haven't got the strength to stay to fight”  Janis Ian


"From Me to You"  Janis Ian

Friday, February 27, 2015

but....this is my life!

I want to do all of those things I wanted to do, that for one reason or another I was too afraid to do because someone told me that I am not:
   lady like
   what a loving mother, wife, would do
   what a successful artist would do
   what a popular facilitator would do
   what a victorious Christian would do
   what an effective patient would do
I am not any of these things!
I will never get to do, be or dream what I want from this life until I can let go of what others think I should be.  I love and care about you all, but this is my life.  I want the journey to unfold, and not be afraid to go there!


"Someday"  Sugar Ray

Thursday, February 26, 2015

and yes....Braveheart, it is time!

Sometimes I feel like if I keep frittering around I am going to run out of time!
But then I am not exactly sure what it is I NEED to do.  There is a hollow place in my heart that desperately needs to be filled, I just cannot seem to figure out what to fill it with.  There are times I think I have a very clear picture of where I am going, and then without warning I fall off of the path and begin questioning. And the running out time thing, only seems to magnify the desperation.  “Why am I here????”   That is the question and the answer that give my life meaning.  I have got this one life and I have to make it mine!  And YES Braveheart it is time!

"Make it Mine"  Jason Mraz

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

If they only knew!

Orlando Weekly- 88 Most Amazing Photos
from Nude Nite 2015


......and what most do not know and will never know, is that part way through this piece I received my latest report from the cardiologist.  It said I was quite possibly in an emotional state of denial, in stage 3 heart failure, non-compliant, a poor historian and I need to have an ICD surgically implanted in my chest.  I tore it up and implanted it in the chest of my painting.  The work sold on the first night and was listed as one of the 88 most amazing photos in the Orlando Weekly.
REALLY...they do not think I emotionally understand what is happening to me?
If they only knew!

 
"Arms Around my Life"  Janis Ian

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Constantly becoming...



I feel changes coming.
They are in me and outside of me; the only thing I know for sure is that I cannot avoid them.  I am learning how to let them wash over me, pointing me and guiding me rather than denying and fighting them.
They are the lessons that promise I am becoming the person I am meant to be.  I have faith that my path will become clear and my life has meaning.

"Have a Little Faith"  Michael Franti

Monday, February 16, 2015

....it does not matter what they think!

Seriously, about the time that I really think that I do not care what “they” think, I get this message and in their opinion I am deceiving myself. What they do not understand is that I have been told that same thing by much more educated, responsible, sophisticated, experienced professionals than them and I do not pay attention to them either! 

I learn a little bit more about embracing the impossible everyday, it does not matter what they think!  I may not really be that special or magic, but there are times....


"And Your Bird Can Sing"  The Beatles

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Nude Nite with the "girls"!




It is so hard to explain Nude Nite...kind of like Christmas morning for adult artist,  with a touch of naughty (that you get away with) surrounded by incredible creativity, imagination and talent and NO RULES!  For 3 nights every year, if I am lucky enough to have my work accepted I have permission to push me, my art and my beliefs outside a life time of boundaries and it is always wonderful!


"American Baby"  Dave Matthews Band

Friday, February 13, 2015

What is your wildest dream?

If it were to be in a giant gallery,
-filled with people on opening night (with 2 more “opening” nights expecting even more people than tonight),
-running into great old friends,
-cheering on art friends painting live,
-being with your best friend,
-seeing AMAZING nude art and performance art
-AND selling 2 of my original (not my style, but oh so fun) art works….

I would say yes…this may be my wildest dream….well maybe not the wildest….
but really damn close!


"All Star"  ortoPilot

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Something from Nothing

One of the most amazing parts about Nude Nite, from an artist’s perspective, is seeing the magic that happens between the time we drop off art works to a cold empty warehouse and the outrageous Thursday night opening. It is a phenomenal collaboration between the Nude Nite organizers and artists that truly creates “something incredible from nothing more than an idea”!  
"Body Love"  Mary Lambert

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The answer is coming…and it was so easy!

Doors open, but it is all on me whether I walk through them.  All of the sudden if feels like years of struggling to redirect my life into extreme life affirming meaning are opening up.  Opportunities keep revealing themselves and I want to take every one of them.  I want my life to be filled with absorbing every experience.  I want to enthusiastically consume them add my heart, my soul and my creativity to them, then put them back out in to the world.  Which is exactly the definition of fine art! 

The answer is coming…and it was so easy!

"Go Down Singing"  Michelle Chamel

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Scary as hell....



Did I really loose or was it the experience I needed to find out that none of this was me?  There are parts of it that I understand as a wife, mother and business owner I had to do.  At the time, I chose to do what others expected.   How much damage I did to myself by doing (almost) everything that was expected of me.  So many of those obligations are now finished, and I have the most amazing opportunity to be the “myself” I have always wished for…..and I have to tell you….it is as scary as hell!

"Sweet Dreams"  ortoPilot

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Change my mind....

Wouldn’t you think once you have felt the amazing power of changing your mind, changing how you think, changing what you believe, that it would get easier?
There are tons of quotes by great thinkers that share this message over and over and over. And still my first knee jerk reaction to everything challenging is to hold on to old programed thinking! To put my emotional guard up- protect me, let someone else convince me or worse yet make the decision for me, or just blindly do what I have always done without any thought at all.
None of these reactions will do anything but guarantee I repeat the same life situations over and over and over again with no chance of growth and new experiences.
I need to get comfortable with doing it different…changing how I think…really looking at what I want from this life, not what others think I should have or feel or do.


"I Believe"  Michael Franti

Friday, February 6, 2015

It begins and ends with me....

I have given power to situations, people and institutions that did not earn or deserve it.  I gave them my power for no other reason other than to be liked and loved, to fit in or get a pay check. Without reservation, I regret every single time I did that.  I look back and realize how much love and happiness I gave away, every time I gave my power away.  I am taking my power back, It all begins and ends with me.


"Iris"  Goo Goo Dolls

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Heart of the Matter

My annual February Heart Month RANT!

Through all of my years as a woman, the medical industry repeatedly smashed my boobs and scraped my cervix (even after I did not have one) checking for cancer.  Not once did any doctor check my heart, short of taking my pulse.  I am not opposed to other preventative tests, but why is the number one killer of women, more than all cancers combined, overlooked in women’s routine medical exams?

Take care of yourself, know the symptoms of Women’s Heart disease, they are NOT the same as men’s.  Insist that your doctor listen to your heart!  Please celebrate your life…. listen to your heart!

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Stripped, exposed and still.....hidden

"Careful With My Words"   Detail
Secrets…. the images will say what I am too afraid to say with my words. Yes, the work was created specifically for an exhibition, but I found in creating it that my anger and frustration emerged. Too afraid to say it out loud, but still desperately needing to be heard. 
I have a love for, no a need for texture. The work cried for pages from the book The End of Faith and buried in her chest is a copy of my latest cardiology report. Stripped, exposed and still....hidden.


"Strip Me"  Natasha Bedingfield

Every day I fight for all my future somethings , A thousand little wars I have to choose between...I could spend a lifetime earning things I don't need,...That's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty...Cause when it all boils down at the end of the day, It's what you do and say that makes you who you are...Makes you think about, think about it doesn't it,...Sometimes all it takes is one voice...And if you strip me, strip it all away, If you strip me, what would you find...If you strip me, strip it all away , I'll be alright...Take what you want steal my pride, Build me up or cut me down to size ...Shut me out but I'll just scream, I'm only one voice in a million...But you ain't taking that from me...I'm only one voice in a million.         Natasha Bedingfield

Monday, February 2, 2015

Me or the rest of you?


Fuck Heart Failure….
I am sick of pretending.  Who am I trying to fool?  
Me or the rest of you?
Some days I just have to get angry to survive!

"Big Girls Don't Cry"  Fergie

Sunday, February 1, 2015

The tough decision to let it go.

Mentally, emotionally and spiritually…letting go of a life time of expectations, real or imagined is much harder than I thought. On some level it feels like playing Jenga. If I pull out one block of “hard and fast” beliefs,  it impacts unexpected and unrelated beliefs or all of it falls apart and comes crashing down. Sometimes it does all crash down. On those days, my first reaction is to run back to all of my old rules and beliefs, they will guarantee I am right or protect me.  Ugly fears and the overwhelming need to be loved and liked screams at me and I think maybe I should hold on to some of it.  That is when I realize returning to the same rules, feelings and situations have produced a lifetime of fear resentments and unrealistic needs..

I have to make the tough decision to let it go.
"They"  Jem